Ex re-initiated phone contact but I'm not sure what he's trying to say..!!

[AutumnWind]

I'm confused about the current situation with my ex!!! To sum it up quick, we were together for 4 years, lived together for 2, in a very close and caring relationship but with some fighting/tension at the same time. Then I went abroad for a year while we were both uncertain about our relationship (family, stress issues) and in that time he started dating/showing interest in other girls and I did some dating too, as it seemed like we were moving in different directions.... He's 23 and I'm 25 so part of it seemed like his need to "play the field" a bit since we had been together since age 18/20 and he became a bit commitment phobic about our "future" and not having "experienced" enough as far as dating other women...

 

But now, a whole year since we've seen each other (we did stay in friendly contact through email/chat), I am back in the country but in another state, called him a few times in Sept. because I started missing him a lot and then stopped because he seemed friendly but not romantically interested. BUT after this period of about 2 weeks, I have gotten 3 calls from HIM suddenly this past week (Fri, Sun, Tue), and he sounds kind of different, a bit emotionally intense and hard to "read" but he wanted to know (in a joking sort of way) if I'm dating anyone and when I mentioned the most recent guy he seemed kind of upset (he was like "oh, oh, ok, well, i don't mean to intrude, i won't ask you any more about that...") and he said that he just wanted to call me, had been wanting to for some time.... But nothing more specific than that. We were kind of flirtatious on the phone and had good conversations but nothing about the relationship was mentioned...

 

I don't think it hurt to mention that I was dating this other guy, since my ex-bf was the one who definitively told me he thought it was over between us, hence I've been feeling the need to show my independence and that I'm moving on with my life... but now recently he is acting rather different and if he's interested again, I definitely would be too, I still have feelings for him! I know from a friend of his that he isn't dating anyone right now and so it seems the field might be clear for both of us to move back towards each other if we want (this thing with me and the other guy is not serious at all - it's just been a few weeks)... I just need advice on whether I'm interpreting this right and if so, how to show him the door is open without seeming too pushy or needy at the same time... I was thinking of visiting him over a school break (we're both in grad school), would that be a good idea?? Any advice or suggestions???

[netrie]

Go say hello to him and see how things go... Be safe.

[Weird]

I say play it cool and hang out in a friendly way and time will tell if he sees the door is open and wants to reconcile. Just don't press it...that will not be good.

[Miss Perfection]

-----this thing with me and the other guy is not serious at all - it's just been a few weeks----

 

What the HELL???

Why in gods name did you hook up with this guy knowing that you still have feelings for your EX and would drop this guy in a new york minute to be with your EX again. Stop being so selfish and think about his feelings, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. I bet this guy takes you seriously and when you drop him he will be wondering what he did wrong and be depressed while you go on living like nothing happened. This is the type of CRAP that pisses me off.........YOU have serious problems. If I were your EX I wouldn't even dare come near you. GROW UP...oh wait, you are 25yrs old...hrmm im confused here.

 

I'll be ready to tell the poor guy what happened when he makes a thread..."I was falling in love with this girl...but she left me for her EX...what did I do wrong? I want to kill myself. PLEASE HELP"

 

Sorry for attacking you like this but I only do it to make you realize what you are doing.

[Weird]

I totally missed that line in the original post...

 

Yeah, tell this enw guy what's up. I would not like it if I was dating some girl who still had feelings for her ex and would drop me like a bad habit if the ex showed interest.

 

Rebound relationship bad...but Beautiful on this forum thinks they are good and healthy. haha

[mr.jon]

Two Things

 

1.

I think after a year you're allowed to see other people

 

I think if there were some serious feelings involved then you have to tell the other person

that you still have feelings for an ex.

 

If you are just casually seeing someone though then that's fine, besides that's how you find stuff out about yourself and how you know if you are truly over someone or not

 

Plus if she's seeing another guy casually it will get her ex thinking and force him to make a move faster.

 

2.

Be Careful

Me and my 2 and a half year girlfriend broke up 4 mo's ago.

 

During the summer she had a couple of casual flings and I went on some miserable dates.

I discovered I really want to be with her, she discovered she needs to be single. [We're both 22]

 

A month ago we hooked up again because she said she misses me in her life and wants to give our relationship the respect it deserves by trying it again but that we should take it slow because she needs her space and doesn't want to depend on me the way she did before

 

She phones me six times that week and we hang out 3 or 4 nights and end up making out every time we hang out.

 

Wow things were going great.

At the end of this week, she phones me and tells me this isn't working, even though less than 24 hours ago she was telling me how she wanted to try this relationship again, and phoned me at work in the afternoon and said I should come meet her now because she "wants" me.

 

I still love my ex alot still, but I am seeing someone else as well

 

If things start to get serious than I can see whether my feelings for my ex are stonger than those for this new girl

 

But until that happens I think having fun and dating someone casually is fine

 

And I will definitely tell my ex that I am seeing someone if she asks, after all she went out of her way to tell me she was sleeping with someone else

 

And your ex will start really thinking about what they lost and if it was worth it to dump you

[AutumnWind]

Wow. It seems I pissed some people off!! An explanation might help... I didn't mean I wasn't taking the new guy seriously, I certainly WAS when we started hanging out, it was just casual dating though and I started to realize pretty soon that it wasn't going to go anywhere as we didn't have that "spark" between us. It was a genuine attempt on my part to try meeting new guys and see how it developed, but as it turns out, it just made me miss my ex. And it hadn't been very long with this other guy, we were just friends mostly but then it seemed more like dating, and so, since I certainly DIDN'T want to hurt anyone for my own selfish gratification, I told him as soon as I realized it that I had some personal issues I needed to work out and that I needed time to myself. He was cool about it, he said that was fine, and we could hang out again if I wanted to later... So... it's just that I kept my remarks about the situation more vague when talking to my ex, as I figured it didn't hurt to keep him guessing a bit... I told him that I had been dating someone recently and that was it...

 

Anyway, he (my ex) is certainly being about as confusing as possible now though... He's called me a few more times since then while I haven't initiated any calls... But he's vague and sort of hard to read on the phone, though he certainly seems VERY curious about my love life now. We still have kind of flirtatious conversations and laugh and joke quite a bit. I completely avoid any mention of more emotional/serious issues since that seems to be working better for now... That kind of stuff usually scares him off pretty quick.

 

Most recently though he talked to me for a while about having wanted to date this other girl he'd met a while back and it seems she ended up going out with someone else and he was upset about that right then. It's not that he knew her too well, but he seems to want to still "play the field" so I'm confused as hell. It would also be his 4th love interest in just 6 months! I wanted to ask "why are you telling ME this??" especially since HE is the one who said it was over and yet now he's calling me and keeps quizzing me about my love life at the same time... I don't want to be anyone's emotional safety net or "backup", but then maybe I'm misinterpreting that... Also, he sent me a birthday present with a sweet message that I just got and yet his most recent email was a bit abrupt and reserved again (I think I made the mistake of warming up too much and showing more affection and interest in my last email).

 

I want to be genuine in my interactions on the one hand, but I don't want to scare him off from this "new" relationship we're developing either... After all, it's been a whole year and we have changed in that time... I honestly don't know what approach is best to take. Should I just back off for a while and not contact him at all or keep the connection we seem to have and keep communicating (without initiating anything)?

[daphne]

Autumn,

 

I wouldn't worry about scaring him off with the new guy to be honest. I would worry that you are allowing yourself to still have feelings for a guy who is CLEARLY not interested in dating you right now. He, like many other guys, may want what he can't have while you are dating someone else but a guy who wanted you back wouldn't be telling you about all of the other girls. It's assanine and he's immature.

 

take care of yourself. He doesn't know what he wants and that's pretty clear. If he wants what he can't have, give him that. Don't let him have you.

[AutumnWind]

Well... we talked again - I called to say thanks for the present (first call I made since Sept). He seemed genuinely happy to hear from me, excused himself from his companion and went outside the bldg to take the call, asked if I liked the CD, had I listened to it yet, etc. The best conversation we've had in months, very affectionate, just talking and sharing what's going on with our lives... No mention of relationships (between us/ any other love interests). At the end he was like "hey, if you need anything whenever, if I can help you out with anything, if you want to talk, call me, ok?" in a pretty affectionate tone. I said "yup, thanks, and you too"...

 

He was with a girl at the time I called though... I didn't ask who she was but he said they were just studying together and said that lots of people did that at his school, it was just better to have company cos it gets lonely studying in your apartment alone... but I don't know...

 

I know from a mutual friend that he (the ex) has admitted to feeling lonely and said he misses "being in a relationship" BUT he made no mention of wanting ME back in particular, though I'm the only person he's had a long-term R/L with, so does that mean he wants to find something similar with someone else or is there some possibility we still have a chance? How easy is that, to "replace" someone in a serious relationship like that?? Since he's not really a "player" at all normally, why has he uncharacteristically been switching his attention from one girl to the next so quickly?? I also noticed from a picture he sent me in August that he kept my photograph on his desk the whole year I was abroad... Hmm. I guess I'm just wondering if other ppl have similar situations in their past and have feedback that might help me figure him out?? Is it common for people to keep in close touch after a 4-year relationship and be able to convert it to a "friendship" without any trouble? Especially if there seems to be jealousy present about dating new people? Also, if distance was a big factor in the breakup, would meeting in person help to resolve the confusion?

 

I do know that I would like to give this another shot if he shows any desire to (since I also went through a questioning period) but more than anything, I just want to clear up the confusion and move forward, either way!! I don't want to be stuck in a dead-end situation and I can't tell if I'm deluding myself with wishful thinking or if there's something going on!!

[Weird]

ok...so did you break up with this new guy?

[Lonestar]

what's up, Weird?

 

So why does she have to break up with the other guy just because she still has feelings for her ex? She said they've only been dating for a few weeks. It's obviously casual, so she really doesn't owe this other guy anything unless she's made a commitment or promises otherwise.

 

Dating can be just that... dating. I dated a bunch of guys casually while I still had feelings for my ex, and never once did I give any of them the indication that I would get serious.

[head/heels]

lonestar is right....dating is dating and casual ....if everyone had to be ready for a long tern serious relationship all the time without any baggage or loving/missing another.. no one would ever be with someone else...

 

besides maybe the other guy doesnt want to be serious and just date he casually?

[Weird]

Um, ok. I'll be honest, I didn't read her last big reply so didn't see the type of deal she has with this new guy. My bad. hehehe

[Lonestar]

Weird, I love it when you admit you're wrong. It sends a tingle up my spine.

 

LMAO!

[Weird]

Originally posted by Lonestar

Weird, I love it when you admit you're wrong. It sends a tingle up my spine.

 

LMAO!

 

haha, I think my ex likes it too based on the fact when we hung out last week I told her she was right with two things we disgareed with and she was all happy

[head/heels]

700+ site WEIRD....i know you said she wont call for a month or the middle of next month....but i think otherwise...but you know her better so i guess we shall see!

 

good luck!

[Weird]

Originally posted by head/heels

700+ site WEIRD....i know you said she wont call for a month or the middle of next month....but i think otherwise...but you know her better so i guess we shall see!

 

good luck!

 

haha, what are you talking about?

[head/heels]

nevermind...i thought you were in talkings with your ex and i hadnt heard from you in a while...sorry.. might just be me mixing people up in my head!

[Weird]

oh, ok.

 

I do currently talk to my ex.

[head/heels]

see you on the other posting topics