Sarabi Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Goodness me...why do we do such silly things!? As you might know, I said on two occasions within the last two weeks that maybe it was best if it all ended for everybody's sakes. Unfair on his family, I am tired and want to move on/heal. I don't want to be friends...We discussed this...we had little contact, didn't see each other but we would still text. I began asking him why he was texting and talking to me and what purpose I served in his life...he said everyone needs someone they can discuss their problems with. Yesterday I finally got fed up and sent some messages asking why, if his wife was so perfect, he continued to keep talking to me and keep me in his life. Did he not want to let me go? Did he want me to be stuck thinking about him forever? Did he keep talking to me so that he could remind me how much he was suffering for his great love for his family and he wanted me to know that because of all their struggles, somehow it is true love and I mean nothing in comparison? Hmmmm...a few hours later I got a text about how I got him into so much trouble because she saw the messages and could I please leave him alone. Then later still, I got a phonecall... Then after the phonecall(which went unanswered), I got this message: " I would like you to leave me and my family alone. Forget you have ever known me. Do not think of me. I do not want to be a part of your life. I ask that you would no longer send me any further messages . I am happy with my family. Do not come between me and my family. Delete my number." I just feel like he needed to have the last word. To make it look like I am chasing him and he is the innocent party...I don't know why I did it (maybe Pierre will suggest validation...probably). Anyway. Please...from today I will start counting day 1 and every significant point afterwards we have a celebratory drink/shoutout on each milestone reached in NC and healing and loving ourselves more I really hope the bubble has finally burst and that there will be no more attempted contacts from either of us. Grrrrr!!! I'm so silly!!! But thanks for listening loveshackers! 4
Author Sarabi Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 For the record I will be doing my best to follow TaraMaiden's NC guide to the letter Including the "this number no longer exists your message could not be delivered" response..! 2
Goodbye Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 What an a$$. I suspect his wife was supervising his text? Yes, you should go NC now. It is time. Of course, I'd be tempted to tell him where to go...but, don't do that. Have dignity and try not to think about him. Bleck. 3
Author Sarabi Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 What an a$$. I suspect his wife was supervising his text? Yes, you should go NC now. It is time. Of course, I'd be tempted to tell him where to go...but, don't do that. Have dignity and try not to think about him. Bleck. I guess she must have been supervising them (remind me to do that if I get into a relationship because it must show an extreme, deep, caring love on my side ) Yeah. I didn't respond. I have nothing to say. He did request that I shouldn't... 2
thecharade Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Oh, I'm so sorry. That is exactly what would have happened to me, which is the very reason I asked myy exMM all of the hard questions beforehand. When I realized how wishywashy and selfish his behavior was, I pushed him away. He even told me once, "Well, yes, I would probably lie and do and say what she wanted to keep my family intact, but I'd get in touch with you soon after. We'll always be together." HUH???! As I've said several times, there are many men that need to do some serious soul searching on their relationship skills. They suck. They don't know or understand themselves, so how can anyone else? (Research supports this common lack of self awareness.) His text was your standard NC message as dictated by his wife. It included everything that SHE wanted him to say. The words are standard fare on the BS threads. Just let it all go. He's hurt you both needlessly. HE'S the problem, and having the last word won't change that. (He won't 'hear' you anyway.) Focus on that self protective shield of anger and resentment, and focus on men who mean what they say and say what they mean. You deserve nothing less. Good luck to you. You will be fine. (I'm 10 months into done and 3 months into NC. I'm surviving and doing better all the time.) 2
ComingInHot Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Hey Sarabi! I can't believe this jackhole is Still yanking your chain!! :mad: The simple answer; the final word doesn't necessarily have to be word/s it can be action, and/or Silence. The one having the Final "say" is the one, in my opinion, that Turns Away. Think of it like this; in some cultures, if a member "breaks a rule, vow, disgraces the family/group, the group jointly and sometimes in a public setting, all rise together and physically Turn their backs on that individual. Stating the fact that the individual is "dead to them. The individual can scream, cry, berate, not leave, but the response is Still the same, nothing. To me, in an A stitch, that Turning away, is the "Final Word". When You are ready sweet Sarabi You Will Turn Away* ' 2
Author Sarabi Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Oh, I'm so sorry. That is exactly what would have happened to me, which is the very reason I asked myy exMM all of the hard questions beforehand. When I realized how wishywashy and selfish his behavior was, I pushed him away. He even told me once, "Well, yes, I would probably lie and do and say what she wanted to keep my family intact, but I'd get in touch with you soon after. We'll always be together." HUH???! As I've said several times, there are many men that need to do some serious soul searching on their relationship skills. They suck. They don't know or understand themselves, so how can anyone else? (Research supports this common lack of self awareness.) His text was your standard NC message as dictated by his wife. It included everything that SHE wanted him to say. The words are standard fare on the BS threads. Just let it all go. He's hurt you both needlessly. HE'S the problem, and having the last word won't change that. (He won't 'hear' you anyway.) Focus on that self protective shield of anger and resentment, and focus on men who mean what they say and say what they mean. You deserve nothing less. Good luck to you. You will be fine. (I'm 10 months into done and 3 months into NC. I'm surviving and doing better all the time.) I definitely have my fair share of problems...but for them to act as if everything is ok wjthout taking a good look at themselves...? I think maybe a relationship can help mask the problems or issues under the surface, so people are seemingly happy and have no real reason to work on themselves. Anyway. I do not wish him or her any harm. I hope I can get over it all and come out smiling at the end
Author Sarabi Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Hey Sarabi! I can't believe this jackhole is Still yanking your chain!! :mad: The simple answer; the final word doesn't necessarily have to be word/s it can be action, and/or Silence. The one having the Final "say" is the one, in my opinion, that Turns Away. Think of it like this; in some cultures, if a member "breaks a rule, vow, disgraces the family/group, the group jointly and sometimes in a public setting, all rise together and physically Turn their backs on that individual. Stating the fact that the individual is "dead to them. The individual can scream, cry, berate, not leave, but the response is Still the same, nothing. To me, in an A stitch, that Turning away, is the "Final Word". When You are ready sweet Sarabi You Will Turn Away* ' The analogy is very good I am ready I have been ready for a while...and I think the last link in that chain he yanked has finally been severed. so now I am turning and taking my few tentative steps away... I guess I did have the final "word"...Because I was the one who kept quiet and went away in silence
Summer Breeze Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I'd bet you dollars to donuts that won't be the last word. He'll be back. The NC message you got appears to have been sent with supervision but I bet it doesn't end up being the last one he sends, only the last she knows about. I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. Keep the faith and your head held high. At least you have the strength to walk away from him. I feel sorry for his BS.
BrokenPrincess Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Then after the phonecall(which went unanswered), I got this message: "I would like you to leave me and my family alone. Forget you have ever known me. Do not think of me. I do not want to be a part of your life. I ask that you would no longer send me any further messages . I am happy with my family. Do not come between me and my family. Delete my number." I just feel like he needed to have the last word. UGH YUCK Seriously? As Summer said, sounds like it was probably sent at his W's request. I'll bet he gets in contact again too. On a side note, this concept of having the last word has actually crossed my mind. My xMM ended it with me via email, and I did not ever respond. Sometimes I feel pissed about this, that he could just end it with a typed "goodbye" and I don't even get to say one thing back. My imaginary responses alternate between nice & sweet and downright pissy & petty. But at the end of the day, it's NC so he gets the last word. And if I ever broke NC and he sent me back a note like that, I feel like I would be crushed all over again. Good luck and congrats on Day 1!
spice4life Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I don't even care who gets the last word...lol. I just want to live a normal life and quit thinking about affairs. In the end does it matter anyway? 3
TaraMaiden Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Here it is, in all its glory: Text Blocker activated. Your message was not delivered. Further attempts will result in this service being charged to your account. There you go. 2
spice4life Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Here it is, in all its glory: Text Blocker activated. Your message was not delivered. Further attempts will result in this service being charged to your account. There you go. LOL. I'm finally at a point where I don't need anything like this thankfully. I feel strong enough in my convictions now that it won't matter anymore. Sarabi, don't worry about how he makes you look to his wife because you're out of it now. Eventually it will all die down and be a distant memory. My attitude if my xMM made it look like I was chasing him is, if it makes him feel better that's fine. I'm not worried about it anymore. It sounds like you are there too. Just keep on keepin on girl. There are better days ahead! 2
jlola Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I'd bet you dollars to donuts that won't be the last word. He'll be back. The NC message you got appears to have been sent with supervision but I bet it doesn't end up being the last one he sends, only the last she knows about. I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. Keep the faith and your head held high. At least you have the strength to walk away from him. I feel sorry for his BS. This seems like an all too common thing to do by MM when he needs to save his butt. Excuses are made that he is supervised and this is why he is doing it. The reality is, he will be back when he thinks it is safe. Worse yet, he knows he will be taken back by shedding a few tears and declaring undying love. I cannot understand when proof of such cowardly behavior is shown, MM are still being given the benefit of the doubt. "He must love me" He can't stay away" "He is heartbroken and crying and in pain over losing me". He is heartbroken alright, but it is all about him. These men, married or single play the same push-pull game. And they have your number. They know exactly how long to wait before trying to get back in. If they call you too soon, you will tell them to get lost. But if they wait awhile, you will be longing and willing to forgive anything to alleviate the heartbreak. Every woman needs to understand what the word "manipulation" means,what "push-pull" means and what an emotionally unavailable man is. They are game players who are addicted to the infatuation, the ego strokes, the romance and the longing. It is about escaping real life. Most of the time it is a character flaw. Even if you were married to him, eventually the everyday reality of life would soon have him searching for that thrill again. A real man is unhappy with a situation and leaves. Not whine about the wife, but stays put to play martyr. I was speaking with a woman the other day. She has 4 children. 3 finished grad school,youngest just graduated college. She told me she married at a very young age. Had no college education. But her husband was emotionally abusive,also a cheater. At the age of 25 with 4 small kids in tow and nowhere to go she left him. She said she left him while still very much in love with him. But it had to be done for her sanity and self respect. She worked 2,sometimes 3 jobs. But she did it. Her ex-husband was at the graduation and she said the relationship with the kids was always good for him. In fact they always lived nearby. She just knew she could not stay in this situation. If a 25 year old woman with 4 children had the guts to walk away from a bad situation. I wonder why a man cannot. They are the true cowards. But I guess women love the cowards since they get to feel sorry for this martyr and feel they are the savior. 5
MissBee Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Goodness me...why do we do such silly things!? As you might know, I said on two occasions within the last two weeks that maybe it was best if it all ended for everybody's sakes. Unfair on his family, I am tired and want to move on/heal. I don't want to be friends...We discussed this...we had little contact, didn't see each other but we would still text. I began asking him why he was texting and talking to me and what purpose I served in his life...he said everyone needs someone they can discuss their problems with. Yesterday I finally got fed up and sent some messages asking why, if his wife was so perfect, he continued to keep talking to me and keep me in his life. Did he not want to let me go? Did he want me to be stuck thinking about him forever? Did he keep talking to me so that he could remind me how much he was suffering for his great love for his family and he wanted me to know that because of all their struggles, somehow it is true love and I mean nothing in comparison? Hmmmm...a few hours later I got a text about how I got him into so much trouble because she saw the messages and could I please leave him alone. Then later still, I got a phonecall... Then after the phonecall(which went unanswered), I got this message: " I would like you to leave me and my family alone. Forget you have ever known me. Do not think of me. I do not want to be a part of your life. I ask that you would no longer send me any further messages . I am happy with my family. Do not come between me and my family. Delete my number." I just feel like he needed to have the last word. To make it look like I am chasing him and he is the innocent party...I don't know why I did it (maybe Pierre will suggest validation...probably). Anyway. Please...from today I will start counting day 1 and every significant point afterwards we have a celebratory drink/shoutout on each milestone reached in NC and healing and loving ourselves more I really hope the bubble has finally burst and that there will be no more attempted contacts from either of us. Grrrrr!!! I'm so silly!!! But thanks for listening loveshackers! Yess NC please. I heard this story before. I recall one of your first posts was about something like this. Essentially him telling you you meant nothing or something of the sort and leave him alone. Here it goes again. I have been where you are. Talking to this person, yet asking them why they're talking to you lol smh . Reality is, you give these people the time of day and they accept it, it's not very deep, as you can see. It's less important why he talks to you, rather, why you talk to him or even care is more important. Don't allow him to disrespect and humiliate you further. Please let this be the LAST! My A ended pretty innocuously. No dday, no harsh words, and certainly, had he insulted me or pretended I was chasing him, my anger as well as pride would go into overdrive causing me to NEVER EVER speak to him again. Good job for realizing the silliness and good luck in closing the door on this nonsense forever. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Goodness me...why do we do such silly things!? As you might know, I said on two occasions within the last two weeks that maybe it was best if it all ended for everybody's sakes. Unfair on his family, I am tired and want to move on/heal. I don't want to be friends...We discussed this...we had little contact, didn't see each other but we would still text. I began asking him why he was texting and talking to me and what purpose I served in his life...he said everyone needs someone they can discuss their problems with. Yesterday I finally got fed up and sent some messages asking why, if his wife was so perfect, he continued to keep talking to me and keep me in his life. Did he not want to let me go? Did he want me to be stuck thinking about him forever? Did he keep talking to me so that he could remind me how much he was suffering for his great love for his family and he wanted me to know that because of all their struggles, somehow it is true love and I mean nothing in comparison? Hmmmm...a few hours later I got a text about how I got him into so much trouble because she saw the messages and could I please leave him alone. Then later still, I got a phonecall... Then after the phonecall(which went unanswered), I got this message: " I would like you to leave me and my family alone. Forget you have ever known me. Do not think of me. I do not want to be a part of your life. I ask that you would no longer send me any further messages . I am happy with my family. Do not come between me and my family. Delete my number." I just feel like he needed to have the last word. To make it look like I am chasing him and he is the innocent party...I don't know why I did it (maybe Pierre will suggest validation...probably). Anyway. Please...from today I will start counting day 1 and every significant point afterwards we have a celebratory drink/shoutout on each milestone reached in NC and healing and loving ourselves more I really hope the bubble has finally burst and that there will be no more attempted contacts from either of us. Grrrrr!!! I'm so silly!!! But thanks for listening loveshackers! He sounds like a colossal ass-hat. If you got him in trouble with his wife, it's entirely possible she hovered over him and told him what to say, or did the texting, herself. Either way, you're better off without. If he had to make you look like the chaser, he's a pretty pathetic individual. Be happy, Sarabi! You know longer have to deal with anymore of his b.s. ever again. 1
sweet_pea Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I guess she must have been supervising them (remind me to do that if I get into a relationship because it must show an extreme, deep, caring love on my side ) Yeah. I didn't respond. I have nothing to say. He did request that I shouldn't... Ok, as a BS, I couldn't let this comment go. The woman is devastated that her husband has cheated on her, of course (for some), she will look over/ "supervise" texts, especially sent between you (OW) and him (MM). I don't understand why some OW/M make little digs about things like this. Do you really expect a BS not to "check?" She probably didn't do that during their relationship, but with an affair, things change. Anywho.... KEEP NC, girl! He really sounds like an a** and good on you for trying (and succeeding?) in moving on! I'm sure he'll try to sneak in a few texts/calls... steer clear! FOCUS ON YOU, lady! Good luck 3
carhill Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 who gets to have the last word...? Generally, the person who cares the most about having it. In your case, based on the OP, I'd call his last word your gift. 2
ladydesigner Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 This seems like an all too common thing to do by MM when he needs to save his butt. Excuses are made that he is supervised and this is why he is doing it. The reality is, he will be back when he thinks it is safe. Worse yet, he knows he will be taken back by shedding a few tears and declaring undying love. I cannot understand when proof of such cowardly behavior is shown, MM are still being given the benefit of the doubt. "He must love me" He can't stay away" "He is heartbroken and crying and in pain over losing me". He is heartbroken alright, but it is all about him. These men, married or single play the same push-pull game. And they have your number. They know exactly how long to wait before trying to get back in. If they call you too soon, you will tell them to get lost. But if they wait awhile, you will be longing and willing to forgive anything to alleviate the heartbreak. Every woman needs to understand what the word "manipulation" means,what "push-pull" means and what an emotionally unavailable man is. They are game players who are addicted to the infatuation, the ego strokes, the romance and the longing. It is about escaping real life. Most of the time it is a character flaw. Even if you were married to him, eventually the everyday reality of life would soon have him searching for that thrill again. A real man is unhappy with a situation and leaves. Not whine about the wife, but stays put to play martyr. I was speaking with a woman the other day. She has 4 children. 3 finished grad school,youngest just graduated college. She told me she married at a very young age. Had no college education. But her husband was emotionally abusive,also a cheater. At the age of 25 with 4 small kids in tow and nowhere to go she left him. She said she left him while still very much in love with him. But it had to be done for her sanity and self respect. She worked 2,sometimes 3 jobs. But she did it. Her ex-husband was at the graduation and she said the relationship with the kids was always good for him. In fact they always lived nearby. She just knew she could not stay in this situation. If a 25 year old woman with 4 children had the guts to walk away from a bad situation. I wonder why a man cannot. They are the true cowards. But I guess women love the cowards since they get to feel sorry for this martyr and feel they are the savior. I just wanted to point out how true the bolded is. Not all MM are character flawed but I would say most fit the bill. In fact I didn't even see this myself until after our 4th DDay. The MOW thinks my WH is just such a stand up man she has no idea who this man even is. MOW just contacted me the other day and basically told me my WH was staying with me because he was afraid I was going to commit suicide. Excuse me? I have kicked this man out more times than I can count, if he wanted to be with her I gave him the okay. He knows this too. He said he loves me and made his choice and does not want a relationship with her. MOW also told me that my WH should want to come home to me because he loves me not because I am controlling him LOL. Like I have him chained to a bed . 1
georgia girl Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I will be the rabble-rouser here - and possibly just because I've had a pretty bad day where everyone else has blamed me for their failures. I would print off every single text message sent to me over the past few weeks of no contact. Then, I would cancel that phone and get a new number. Finally, I would send the texts certified mail to his wife. If I wasn't sure she would get it at home, I'd mail them to her office. I would also include in it a letter stating that I no longer wished any contact from her husband and give her your cell phone number so that she could call and determine for herself that you had cancelled the phone. Any email account, facebook or other social media he had access to would be shut off. Then, like the other posters have said, I would not say one more word. To him, to her, to anyone. If they ask you if you knew him, I would say, "Not well." (How can you? You never got to know the real him.) I would rearrange my life so that I never had to see either one of them again. I'd even change grocery stores, favorite restaurants. My feeling is if you want me out of your life, I'm gone. But, I will have honesty and vindication before I leave. And no, you will NEVER, EVER be able to argue what I said because I won't be there to argue about it ever again. Just me... gosh, I'm angry today. 4
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Ok, as a BS, I couldn't let this comment go. The woman is devastated that her husband has cheated on her, of course (for some), she will look over/ "supervise" texts, especially sent between you (OW) and him (MM). I don't understand why some OW/M make little digs about things like this. Do you really expect a BS not to "check?" She probably didn't do that during their relationship, but with an affair, things change. I don't think it was intended as a dig. I made the same statement myself (about supervision, not knowing it had already been said), because it's a likelihood. No one said anything about the BS being in the wrong, if she did take such action. It just seems like his response was written by someone other than the MM.
Author Sarabi Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 Here it is, in all its glory: Text Blocker activated. Your message was not delivered. Further attempts will result in this service being charged to your account. There you go. thank you!!! :-) this is typed and saved ready in a blank message on my phone...you never can tell when you might need it!!! By the way...am loving the little addition about how if you continue to text, it will be charged your account...LOVE IT!!! 1
sweet_pea Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I don't think it was intended as a dig. I made the same statement myself (about supervision, not knowing it had already been said), because it's a likelihood. No one said anything about the BS being in the wrong, if she did take such action. It just seems like his response was written by someone other than the MM. The whole "remind me to do that if I get into a relationship because it must show an extreme, deep, caring love on my side" ALONG with the eye-rolling emoticon made me think it was a dig. That's just my interpretation, is all. 1
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Goodness me...why do we do such silly things!? As you might know, I said on two occasions within the last two weeks that maybe it was best if it all ended for everybody's sakes. Unfair on his family, I am tired and want to move on/heal. I don't want to be friends...We discussed this...we had little contact, didn't see each other but we would still text. I began asking him why he was texting and talking to me and what purpose I served in his life...he said everyone needs someone they can discuss their problems with. Yesterday I finally got fed up and sent some messages asking why, if his wife was so perfect, he continued to keep talking to me and keep me in his life. Did he not want to let me go? Did he want me to be stuck thinking about him forever? Did he keep talking to me so that he could remind me how much he was suffering for his great love for his family and he wanted me to know that because of all their struggles, somehow it is true love and I mean nothing in comparison? Hmmmm...a few hours later I got a text about how I got him into so much trouble because she saw the messages and could I please leave him alone. Then later still, I got a phonecall... Then after the phonecall(which went unanswered), I got this message: " I would like you to leave me and my family alone. Forget you have ever known me. Do not think of me. I do not want to be a part of your life. I ask that you would no longer send me any further messages . I am happy with my family. Do not come between me and my family. Delete my number." I just feel like he needed to have the last word. To make it look like I am chasing him and he is the innocent party...I don't know why I did it (maybe Pierre will suggest validation...probably). Anyway. Please...from today I will start counting day 1 and every significant point afterwards we have a celebratory drink/shoutout on each milestone reached in NC and healing and loving ourselves more I really hope the bubble has finally burst and that there will be no more attempted contacts from either of us. Grrrrr!!! I'm so silly!!! But thanks for listening loveshackers! He is done with you, understand that. So, leave him alone. Any attempt now of making contact makes you look bad and also, where's YOUR pride and ego in all this? You should be saying to yourself, "OK, F-U! I'm done. Number deleted. You're dead to me." and just grieve the loss and let go. No more thinking or wondering about him and his wife. Absolutely nothing.
Praying4Peace Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I just wanted to point out how true the bolded is. Not all MM are character flawed but I would say most fit the bill. In fact I didn't even see this myself until after our 4th DDay. The MOW thinks my WH is just such a stand up man she has no idea who this man even is. MOW just contacted me the other day and basically told me my WH was staying with me because he was afraid I was going to commit suicide. Excuse me? I have kicked this man out more times than I can count, if he wanted to be with her I gave him the okay. He knows this too. He said he loves me and made his choice and does not want a relationship with her. MOW also told me that my WH should want to come home to me because he loves me not because I am controlling him LOL. Like I have him chained to a bed . Please know that he is telling her the same lies/crap/bs that he's telling you. I doubt she's making this up. He's a jerkoff who doesn't deserve any of you. I do realize it's harder for you to walk away, and I understand. I just think it sucks. Doesn't it piss you off?? ETA: Actually, I don't know what the MOW is like in your circumstances but he doesn't deserve YOU if he's talking about you like this and being such an asshat liar.
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