SerCay Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 My current boyfriend is really sweet..except 1 thing he does a lot! Whenever there's an important thing coming up, like vacation, or a job interview for me, or after my exam week, he picks a fight and stays mad longer than usual :S Eg. today he was supposed to go with me to an audition, Sunday he threw a tantrum, and he didnt come with me today...we were supposed to go do something together after the audition as well. A couple of weeks ago he cancelled an outing because we had a fight, without asking me if he should cancel it. Is this a trait that is seen often? and what do you guys think is tells about someone? Have any of you ever had this???
Author SerCay Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 The first thing you need to do is address this issue calmly but directly, although given his pattern of behavior he may simply pick yet another fight. I've seen this before -- as many others have -- in people around certain holidays or important events (i.e., Christmas, Valentine's Day, Birthdays, weddings, etc) though not so much before a fairly innocuous event like an exam or interview. However it's usually a sign of something fairly serious going on; cheating and cheapness being among them. Second of all, next time he tries this, simply refuse to take the bait. Since you're obviously aware of his tactics, do not give in to them. This won't solve much of anything but it will both serve as a nice way to beat him as his own game and also see what other excuses he might try to come up with. Yes i will address him indeed..The times before I got really kranky and then almost screwed up the upcoming event concerning, but this time I stayed calm because now i see the pattern.. I did stay very calm and just called him last night to ask if he was still coming with me, he said he was still sick and would see how he feels tomorrow...Even though he knew it was in the early morning I had to go. So I just said, well, ok you see how you feel in the morning bye..and hung up..
Author SerCay Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Well obviously he's not interested in accompanying you to important events which may indicate he's simply not really (or no longer) interested in you. Has he always been like this and how long have you been together? we've been together (on and off) 3 years now..yes he has always been like this :S
KatZee Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 It seems he's purposely sabotaging days in which you ask him to attend because he's either not interested in being a real part of your life, or has no interest in things you do. Neither are great signs and I'm wondering why you stay with someone who has obvious commitment issues? 3
Author SerCay Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 It seems he's purposely sabotaging days in which you ask him to attend because he's either not interested in being a real part of your life, or has no interest in things you do. Neither are great signs and I'm wondering why you stay with someone who has obvious commitment issues? I dont know katzee..its a;ways like this..he offered to pay for the course im auditioning for, but then he throws a tantrum when the day actually comes and i go alone. contradictions all the time...if he werent interested i dont think he's be willing to pay for it
pcplod Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Unless there are other factors involved, it sounds mightily manipulative, not that it is fooling you for a moment. I suspect that he will never change his ways. It is pretty fundamental conditioning, apart from which he will tell you that it is all in your imagination and there is nothing wrong with either 'it' or him, to boot. 1
KatZee Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I dont know katzee..its a;ways like this..he offered to pay for the course im auditioning for, but then he throws a tantrum when the day actually comes and i go alone. contradictions all the time...if he werent interested i dont think he's be willing to pay for it Funding money doesn't have anything to do with him being interested. His actions are that of a person who can't be bothered to attend anything that goes on in your life. Again, why are you with someone who is expressing very clearly that he's uninterested in doing anything with you? Maybe he's just selfish and he wants to do what he wants to do. Do you jump and go to everything he has going on? If so, I'd stop. 1
carhill Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Is this a trait that is seen often? and what do you guys think is tells about someone? Have any of you ever had this??? IMO, if you get to the root of his fear, you'll find the answer. I strongly suspect he's afraid of something. 1
Author SerCay Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 IMO, if you get to the root of his fear, you'll find the answer. I strongly suspect he's afraid of something. Really? what do you think he's afraid of?
Author SerCay Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Unless there are other factors involved, it sounds mightily manipulative, not that it is fooling you for a moment. I suspect that he will never change his ways. It is pretty fundamental conditioning, apart from which he will tell you that it is all in your imagination and there is nothing wrong with either 'it' or him, to boot. How do you think he's unconsciously trying to manipulate me? eg. he's trying to make clear he doesnt want me to go either or something?
Author SerCay Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Funding money doesn't have anything to do with him being interested. His actions are that of a person who can't be bothered to attend anything that goes on in your life. Again, why are you with someone who is expressing very clearly that he's uninterested in doing anything with you? Maybe he's just selfish and he wants to do what he wants to do. Do you jump and go to everything he has going on? If so, I'd stop. He's very keen on his money..thats why it's a big deal for him to offer to pay it. It's not that he doesnt want to do anyting with me, we do plenty of things, this occurs when it's something that's important for ME...like, if its a movie, or dinner or whatever we both enjoy he's all game. its just my important things, like birthday like dragoness mentioned and audition etc.. I used to jumo and go to everything he had going on, but I stopped..For the same appearant reason he does the thing this topic is about. I dont throw tantrums though I just say I have important things going on. But still..even if I were angry with him, and this happened in the past, and he has something coming up, I used to never cancel important things or bail out..I always think thats childish...
KatZee Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I used to never cancel important things or bail out..I always think thats childish... Well, there's a fundamental compatibility issue here then. You've been with him 3 years so it's clear this is what he does. You can either talk to him like a mature adult and get to the bottom of why he always acts so childish, and you fix it, OR you can realize that this is who your boyfriend is, a childish manipulator who will never be fully invested in your life and passions. It's your choice whether to stay or go. 1
carhill Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Really? what do you think he's afraid of? The only true answer is in his mind. However, it might be worthwhile to read up on attachment styles and look for any commonalities. Would you say he's generally extroverted or introverted? 1
Feelin Frisky Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 My ex ruined every important event. Nothing ever seemed to matter to her about timing. It didn't matter if it was 3 seconds to midnight on New Years Eve and all the other couples at the party were ready to smooch--if anything even slightly rubbed her wrong she's over-react. And eventually it led to violence I would not abide. One of my birthdays was so ruined by her I really came close to it. I drove over a hundred miles an hour to get home and get her out of my sight. Eventually she hit me--in the eye while my eyes were closed--and I belted the shi+ out of her in public for it. Where do you go from there? Some people--sexy, talented in bed, persistent in want to make up and try again--are just TOXIC monsters whose misery defies any kind of logic or reason. Just my luck to put my marriage eggs in that kind of basket. 1
AndrewJDC Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Really? what do you think he's afraid of? zombies are pretty scary, that could be it.
Author SerCay Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 The only true answer is in his mind. However, it might be worthwhile to read up on attachment styles and look for any commonalities. Would you say he's generally extroverted or introverted? Absolutely introverted..he's an avoidant attacher, I have read about it a lot I think you might be right. About him being afraid. He's always thinking I don't care for him as much as he does for me and comlains about this constantly. Some people--sexy, talented in bed, persistent in want to make up and try again--are just TOXIC monsters whose misery defies any kind of logic or reason. I am really really feeling this line.
pcplod Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 How do you think he's unconsciously trying to manipulate me? eg. he's trying to make clear he doesnt want me to go either or something? It is a pretty classical tactic to engineer a fight over something that you don't want to do. That breaks any internal sense of obligation. It doesn't have to be about whether you want or should go, just that he doesn't. Rather than discuss it and confront the possible stress involved that way you just let the resentment or negativity reach boiling point and then let it blow! A lack of negotiation skills and dealing with stress and anxiety is often at the heart of it. Also dealing with someone else who isn't good at negotiation can always be a factor. Think about it, you don't want to do something but instead of saying so, you agree instead, knowing full-well that you have no real intention of doing it and that instead there will be a fight about it... Crazy or whut? 1
FitChick Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 If your focus and attention is any place but on him, he doesn't like it. 2
salparadise Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Really? what do you think he's afraid of? It's fear of abandonment. I'd bet on it. My ex was the same way, very much like Feelin Frisky's story, just the details are different. Their fear/emptiness/stress reach a point of being overwhelming and they "split." My ex would do it before holidays, birthdays, trips, times when I had something to celebrate like an award or achievement, or anytime things didn't go her way or if she'd have a problem at work. She also just had a regular schedule which was roughly 14 days, rarely would she could go a month. "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is the book to read. In the meantime, quit engaging and just say I'm sorry you're upset, and then let them throw the tantrum all by themselves. If they go on the attack just ignore and leave the room. 1
tbf Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 This is called childish, passive-aggressive, selfish behaviour. Why do people put up with it? 1
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