My GF is a commitmentphobe after 5 years...what to do?

[NextStep?]

Well heres my story...I have been in a relationship now with a great girl for almost 5 years. Im 33 and she is 30. I feel that over the last few months (maybe 6-8) My GF has been not acting herself. She is hot & cold with me so often that I absolutely dont know how she feels most of the time. During the past 6-8 months our sex life has been sporadic at best. The sex itself hasnt been the best either, lacking the passion of the last few years. I suppose a little history is on order...

 

We met each other while studying IT together at a post graduate program, and upon our graduation moved together to California to join the masses who were going to make their fortunes with the rising dot coms. We actually made out ok during the period that we were there even after the bubble burst. We intially lived together, but she made it clear from the beginning that she wasnt ready for this step, but due to circumstances, she would be ok with it as long as it was or a 6 month term. I didnt want to make her live with me if she wasnt ready, so after 6 months we got our seperate places. I lived alone and she lived with roomates she found. We were together all the time though (evening and weekends) and were quite happy by all accounts. After about a year and half of living apart she said she was ready for us to live together again. I was always ready, so we moved in together once again. This is where the trouble starts. During this time, I was VERY heavily into PC video games (one in particular called Warcraft). It totally consumed me, and I really did neglect my gf during this time. She would plead for me to come to bed so that we could make love, (she wouldnt say that, but it was implied). Sometimes I would, and sometimes I wouldnt. Im not sure quite what got into me back then, as I now dont play the game anymore realizing the grasp it had on me. At any rate, she saw me as wasting my life away on this game and became (rightfully so) disenfranchised with me. She lost interest in sex, and just let me do my own thing.

 

We decided to move back to our native Canada after living together for about a year and a half in Calif. She decided to go back to school to study nursing in my hometown, but would first spend the summer with her folks. During the time that the summer went on, I apologised to her about my constant gaming when we were in California, and assured her it was a thing of the past. I have remained true to my word and have NEVER touched it since then. I have also started exercising again and have lost 20lbs, and gained alot of muscle. I am now in terrific shape, I dote on her like crazy, I went all out for her 30th bday, I have a great job, and were it not for what Im feeling I would have proposed to her. Despite everything, I still feel she is keeping me at arms length. Im ashamed to say that in my paranoia about what could be causing this I looked into her email and found notes to her friends that are heartbreaking. She has mentioned to one friend that she does not understand how she can be in love with me and yet choose not to be with me by making a decesion that she knows will end us. Yet this is the way she is feeling now. She also says to her friend she doesnt know why she is the way she is. It made me sick to read that...

 

I have asked her at length as to why she is keeping me distant, and she has no real answers..she says she loves me absolutely, but she cant explain why she rejects me (sexually) 90% of the time when I try to vie for her affection, nor why she would make a decesion that she knows would end us. 5 Years we have been together and I just cant understand this. One thing that helps a little, is that she says that she did the exact same thing with her last BF of 5 years. He ended up cheating on her, so her decesion to leave him was easy. I have done nor would I do anything of the sort, but somehow...I still feel we are heading in that direction. She confesses she has a fear of commitment and thats why the issue of marriage, kids is taboo between us.

 

Due to our sex lives being almost non-existant, I surmised that she may be having an affair, and again Im ashamed to say have been regularly checking her email. She has never been dishonest with me and I have found absolutely no evidence of anything in terms of someone else being in the picture. SHe has also calmy assured me that no one else is in the picture. The more this goes on though, the more paranoid I get. I was never like this before and feel like Im caught in this destructive cycle. I dont want this consuming me and I also want to save this relationship if at all possible. Any help at all would be appreciated. Thanks for letting me get a few things off my chest.

[nextstep]

Any help at all...or any experience with an issue like this would be truly appreciated.

[PUHLEEEZE.....]

Ok, I'll bite... If she hasn 't made up her mind by now, she ain't gonna... Time to cut your losses and find someone who wants to be committed and have your babies.

[Hon]

I am dealing with the same thing with a boyfriend of one year. Pursued me intensely in the beginning, then when he knew he had me he got cold feet. He also has a history of troubled relationships. From the books I read, if you don't want to break up, the best thing to do is withdraw yourself, don't be available as much and don't make explanations. Then, when she is puzzled and frustrated, tell her that the only way you will continue to date her is to go with you to couple's counseling. In order to be sure that she is as motivated as you, tell her that she has to make the arrangements for the counseling within a set time.

I haven't gone this route myself, but I do notice that when I back off the relationship and am not as immediately responsive to his calls and emails he starts getting nervous. I'm a bit of a commitment phobe myself so maybe I have unconsciously chosen this type of relationship for now.

[missopinionated]

What should you do? Grow up and move on!!!

 

Unless you BOTH want to live a miserable life, move on.

 

You're a big boy. You're young and you will NOT be alone forever.

 

Move out, go date, drink to much once in a while, screw around for a bit (wrap the meat though, please) and then, in a year or two, refocus.

 

If it weren't for what you're feeling?? What, the part where you're feeling like you should move on? If you propose to this girl, you will spend a ton of money on a wedding that neither of you wants and which will end within two years. God. and gay marriages bug people....

 

MOVE ON!