How do you stop obsessing and just let go?

[Sooverhim]

Well, I’ve been lurking on these boards for quite a while now, I registered a few days ago and today I have plucked up the courage to post

 

To give you a bit of background to my story, well it’s the same as pretty much all affair stories. I am a MW, with two teenage boys. My XMM is a married man with two grown up children. We had a 2 year affair which I ended a year ago last March. We absolutely adored each other, we found each other irresistible, so funny, so intelligent, so charismatic, so incredibly sexy, the sex was out of this world, as it usually tends to be. We thought we were soulmates, we thought we were destined to be together, we thought we were made for each other

 

On reflection it was just a typical affair, we were both in what your Pierre would describe as the “affair bubble”. It was all a fantasy, it wasn’t what certainly I thought it was or wanted it to be. For me it was what you would call an “exit affair”. I had checked out of my M, I was bored, I had fallen out of love with my H. I wanted to run off into the sunset with XMM and live happily ever after. He however didn’t feel the same way. For him it was a having his cake and eat it kind of affair. He is happily married, for 25 years, been together for 30, two adult grown up children both away and doing their own thing. He “loves his W but isn’t in love with her”, yes that old chestnut. Couldn’t leave her, wouldn’t leave her, couldn’t hurt her, she didn’t deserve it, she is such a wonderful person. Loved her but not the way he loved me, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know the story

 

Anyway, the trigger for me for ending it for good was last year when he booked a fabulous meditteranean cruise, just him and his W. It seems from reading these boards that vacations with spouses seem to be painful for a lot of people. I guess it makes you realise where you really stand i.e. that they are with the one they love, doing lovely things together, living happily ever after. And so the turning point for me was him and her going on this holiday of a lifetime together. It just so happened to accidentally coincide with their silver wedding anniversary, but he wasn’t celebrating it, it was nothing special. He would be thinking of me the whole time he was there, he would be missing me so desperately because he wouldn’t be able to text me. He was so sad about the whole thing. Well, I was devastated to say the least. I finally woke up and smelt the coffee. He was feeding me a whole lot of b*ll. Of course he was. He was playing it down to keep me sweet, to keep me available to him, fudging the reality of the situation. He is a happily married man, going on a fantastic holiday with his beloved to celebrate 25 years of marital bliss. Where did I fit into that equation? Well, I was providing him with sexual release that he didn’t get with his W. Apparently she didn’t like sex. Yes that old chestnut too. I told him it was over, I couldn’t do it any more. He was using me. I threw away my mobile phone and blocked my e-mails. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. It broke my heart. I really truly loved him and wanted to be with him. I would have left my H for him.

 

So, after I ended it I refocused my energies into my M and things with my H have improved a lot. We are a lot happier and I am happy with him. I will stay with him for the rest of my life and will never have another affair. However, I am still thinking of XMM a lot of the time. I am still obsessing about him. I don’t want to get back into a relationship with him. I don’t want to do any of that ever again. But, and this is the reason for my post, why can’t I just let this go? It is 15 months since I ended it with him. I tell myself to let it go. I tell myself to stop obsessing. But it’s not working. When I decided to register I chose the name “Sooverhim” but really it was wishful thinking, because I am not.

 

I know you will advise me to get Counselling. But I can't afford it. I live in Scotland and to get counselling I would need to be mentally ill, or suffering from anorexia, or an alcoholic or something. There is nothing medically or mentally wrong with me. I have to try and deal with this myself

 

Thanks for listening x

[Goodbye]

Welcome...I, too, wish there was a delete button in my mind and heart.

 

When you think about him, what are you thinking? You seem to get it, to understand the sad reality that he is a cake eater, that he has a marriage he wasn't about to give up and you provided him with esteem boost and sex and probably lots more. Do you miss him? Do you just miss the excitement of the affair? Is it just that you feel defeated, because ultimately he chose her?

 

The vacation is a tough one. I doubt any OW on this board would disagree with that. It would have been a deal breaker for me, certainly. My exMM claimed they never traveled together but I figured out that one time he claimed to be on a mini-vacation with some guy friends (guys don't do that, lol) he was really away with his wife. I asked for pictures, and all I got were pictures of things...statues, the hotel lobby, his rental car.

 

What does your husband know about your 2 year affair? Do you think this could be what is holding you back from letting go of the exMM? Would telling your H the truth about your life set you free in a way? I wasn't married when I had my relationship with xMM, so my lasting unresolved feelings are more to do with my own loneliness and anger over the lies. Do you think being honest with your H could give you the peace of mind to truly reconcile and then maybe you could heal? I don't know...I'm not speaking from experience in that department, I can just imagine holding such a secret (if that is what you are doing) could keep you in an obsessive mind frame.

 

I'm in IC and don't really feel like it helps with all of this. I think time is the only healer. Time and filling your life with new stuff. Good luck.

[twosadthings]

The best way to get over him is tell your husband about him. That will keep your thoughts occupied on how to keep your marriage intact and you together with your husband for the rest of your life as you have said is your desire.

 

Twosadthings

[Sarabi]

I am glad things are getting better between you and your husband I am sure you too will be looking forward to celebrating your time together and different milestones as you go on.

As regards your username...think of it this way. You are not over him now...but if you keep in mind that you want to be "So Over Him" and keep telling yourself that you will get over him then perhaps in time it will come true. Not as instantly as we would like, which is hard but it will come.

I don't know...isn't it that law of attraction stuff? Think a certain way then you will be a certain way(?) like thinking positive attracts positive things into your life...believing you are over him and wanting to be over him means you will eventually be over him...

I know what I am trying to say!!!

By the way I am in the UK too...I know what you mean about counselling being expensive but I felt I really have to do it for me...I feel I had to get right with myself and understand myself.

Is there anyone who can offer discounted sessions? Any students or new starters looking for practice?

[Sooverhim]

Thanks very much for responding and for understanding.

 

Goodbye, I do get it, I really do, I got it even during the A, right from the beginning, I was just providing him with sexual fulfilment on the side, filling the void in his otherwise perfect life. It was knowing that which gave me the impetus to end it once and for all, to stop being used that way. What do I think about when I think of him? Well, I am reminiscing about the good times, how much fun we had together, how we made each other laugh, and of course the physical aspects. I miss that. I don’t experience the same intensity with my H, but I do understand that that is because I was having an A with XMM, and it was driven by hormones, excitement, newness, etc. And yes I am left with a feeling of sadness and am defeated because he chose to stay with her. Of course I always knew he would, but hoped he wouldn’t. He did used to dangle the carrot in front of my face the whole time …. “maybe one day things will be different and we can be together”, but it is an emptiness and sad feeling that I risked everything for nothing.

 

My H knows nothing of my A, and I see on these boards that there is lots of advice telling WS to confess, but I really don’t agree that any good would come of it. My H would be devastated, firstly he wouldn’t be able to believe that I did what I did, his heart would be broken, the trust would be gone. I don’t know whether he would be able to forgive me. It might give me some relief unburdening myself of my secret, but it would crush my H. I don’t see any reason why I should do that to him, other than for selfish reasons.

 

Revolutionary Road, I had never thought that the secret could be what’s keeping me obsessing, but that does make sense. I have nobody to share this with. All my friends are mutual friends with H, so it would be too risky to tell anyone. Also, I think that the obsessing is something I do out of boredom, which is so embarrassing to admit, but I think it’s because I have time on my hands and it gives my brain something to think about. I am also extra thinking about him at the moment because this is the time of year that he always goes away with his W, it was this time last year that he did the luxury cruise with her, so my olds wounds have been reopened. I agree completely with you RR about the compartment thing, and XMM was very comfortable with having me in a small compartment on the fringe of his wonderful life which was his big, main, wonderful, happy compartment. And I do occasionally daydream about being his little compartment again, just meeting up basically for sex. But it’s only a daydream. I wouldn’t ever do it. I’ve been there done that before and it was a hellish experience, absolute torture, not worth it at all

 

Sarabi, I really like your law of attraction thing, if I keep telling myself I’m so over him than eventually I will be .. positive reinforcement or something like that. I am so over him in one way, but in another I’m not. And you are right about celebrating milestones with my H, I do need to remind myself to focus on us, on our M and invest more time, energy and love into it. It does work and it does improve the M and makes me feel better, I’ve just fallen off the wagon a bit at the moment.

 

Thanks again for being here, and by the way, I’ve looked at lots of different forums, and this one is by far the best:)

[Goodbye]

You keep saying your exMM's marriage and life are wonderful. While he might not be inclined to leave, that doesn't mean his life is wonderful. I do hope that in wonderful marriages there isn't room for cheating. Maybe I'm wrong.

 

Yes. The covert nature of an affair keeps you so isolated. I've found my grieving for the exMM to be far more difficult that any other break up...including my divorce, because I am alone in my grief. Very few friends knew about the relationship. The exMM and I were like an island. Fantasy island. It really does create an obsessive quality being stuck in your head alone to figure out all the emotional crap.

 

Do you really think you are doing yours H a favor by shielding him from the truth? I'm not a big advocate of "all affairs must be exposed" but I suspect it is going to be a llloooonnnggg lonely marriage if you can't tell the whole truth about your life.

[ComingInHot]

sooverhim, I believe it is hard to leave things behind when the feelings we had/have about them were still on a "high".

 

I think Pierre would say (cause he disappeared again ), an A doesn't usually end like the natural death of a "normal" relationship.

 

It may also be a consequense thing. Your A was never found out by MM's BW or Your BH, so you have never Experienced the pain that Your actions have caused others. A-lot of times living through the consequences can help end the obsessing of the AP. I think that's where the "tell your spouse" advise is coming from.

 

You mentioned this was, for you, an "exit A". What changed? Why not continue w/a Separation & D?

Maybe a Separation would help You to see what it is Really You stand to lose. You may be able to see for yourself whether or not you truly want to continue w/your H & M, or that you need to move on...

 

The BEST information given you is TIME. Start using it Wisely*

[Sooverhim]

I do think XMM's marriage is wonderful Goodbye, and that he is very happy in it. He told me often enough. When he talked about his wife the love he feels for her was very evident in the tone of his voice and the way his face softened. The only thing lacking was that he was apparently no longer attracted to her and she didn't like sex, so that side of things had become disappointing to him. I do believe he genuinely did love me, but I agree with Pierre's description of the affair bubble. I do believe he loved me just in that compartment. He didn't want me in any other compartment, and he did not want to damage his main compartment.

 

I do think it is better for my H NOT to know about my A, I do think very strongly that it would be incredibly distressing for him to know what I did to him behind his back, and telling him could very well destroy our marriage. We are happy now, I am just hanging on to some of those old feelings for XMM, and I need to stop doing that.

[Sooverhim]

sooverhim, I believe it is hard to leave things behind when the feelings we had/have about them were still on a "high".

 

I think Pierre would say (cause he disappeared again ), an A doesn't usually end like the natural death of a "normal" relationship.

 

It may also be a consequense thing. Your A was never found out by MM's BW or Your BH, so you have never Experienced the pain that Your actions have caused others. A-lot of times living through the consequences can help end the obsessing of the AP. I think that's where the "tell your spouse" advise is coming from.

 

You mentioned this was, for you, an "exit A". What changed? Why not continue w/a Separation & D?

Maybe a Separation would help You to see what it is Really You stand to lose. You may be able to see for yourself whether or not you truly want to continue w/your H & M, or that you need to move on...

 

The BEST information given you is TIME. Start using it Wisely*

 

Hi Cominginhot!

 

What changed was that I spoke to my H, actually on the day after I ended my A, to say that I was unhappy, we had drifted apart, I was lonely, and that we needed to spend time together and improve our M, otherwise I was thinking of leaving. My H has been wonderful about working on our M, and as a result we have become much closer. I do want to carry on being married to my H and have no desire to have another A, not now not ever.

[ComingInHot]

sooverhim, that's wonderful!! Just the fact that you Talked to him, told him where you were and how you were feeling, is Great!

It allows your H to do, well, exactly what he is doing now*

 

Just so you you know, it is very possible (I've not only witnessed it but Been there) to fall in love/out of love then in love/out of love then in... many times w/your spiuse over the course of a life long M! But you You Both have to be open to the work (yes Work) to make it happen*

 

As far as MM, I don't know how one gets over an AP. From reading here, it can be a long arduous road. But it does happen.

[Sooverhim]

sooverhim, that's wonderful!! Just the fact that you Talked to him, told him where you were and how you were feeling, is Great!

It allows your H to do, well, exactly what he is doing now*

 

Just so you you know, it is very possible (I've not only witnessed it but Been there) to fall in love/out of love then in love/out of love then in... many times w/your spiuse over the course of a life long M! But you You Both have to be open to the work (yes Work) to make it happen*

 

As far as MM, I don't know how one gets over an AP. From reading here, it can be a long arduous road. But it does happen.

 

I'm just so sad CIH that I didn't talk to my H about how I was feeling BEFORE I went off on my self-indulgent journey into fantasy-A-land, it was a very very stupid thing to do, it brought me so much pain and heartbreak and I am very lucky not to have had a D day. I am working on falling back in love with my H, and that's the thing, it does take WORK. But at least I no longer love XMM, so I have made a lot of progress. And I do live a real life in the real world now. I'd never go back to living a life of deception, lies, disappointment and continual rejection again.

 

My H is a good man, and so devoted to me, I did such a terrible thing. Wouldn't it be good if people read on these boards BEFORE embarking on an A, I'm sure it would make them think twice:)

[skywriter]

Well, I’ve been lurking on these boards for quite a while now, I registered a few days ago and today I have plucked up the courage to post

 

To give you a bit of background to my story, well it’s the same as pretty much all affair stories. I am a MW, with two teenage boys. My XMM is a married man with two grown up children. We had a 2 year affair which I ended a year ago last March. We absolutely adored each other, we found each other irresistible, so funny, so intelligent, so charismatic, so incredibly sexy, the sex was out of this world, as it usually tends to be. We thought we were soulmates, we thought we were destined to be together, we thought we were made for each other

 

On reflection it was just a typical affair, we were both in what your Pierre would describe as the “affair bubble”. It was all a fantasy, it wasn’t what certainly I thought it was or wanted it to be. For me it was what you would call an “exit affair”. I had checked out of my M, I was bored, I had fallen out of love with my H. I wanted to run off into the sunset with XMM and live happily ever after. He however didn’t feel the same way. For him it was a having his cake and eat it kind of affair. He is happily married, for 25 years, been together for 30, two adult grown up children both away and doing their own thing. He “loves his W but isn’t in love with her”, yes that old chestnut. Couldn’t leave her, wouldn’t leave her, couldn’t hurt her, she didn’t deserve it, she is such a wonderful person. Loved her but not the way he loved me, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know the story

 

Anyway, the trigger for me for ending it for good was last year when he booked a fabulous meditteranean cruise, just him and his W. It seems from reading these boards that vacations with spouses seem to be painful for a lot of people. I guess it makes you realise where you really stand i.e. that they are with the one they love, doing lovely things together, living happily ever after. And so the turning point for me was him and her going on this holiday of a lifetime together. It just so happened to accidentally coincide with their silver wedding anniversary, but he wasn’t celebrating it, it was nothing special. He would be thinking of me the whole time he was there, he would be missing me so desperately because he wouldn’t be able to text me. He was so sad about the whole thing. Well, I was devastated to say the least. I finally woke up and smelt the coffee. He was feeding me a whole lot of b*ll. Of course he was. He was playing it down to keep me sweet, to keep me available to him, fudging the reality of the situation. He is a happily married man, going on a fantastic holiday with his beloved to celebrate 25 years of marital bliss. Where did I fit into that equation? Well, I was providing him with sexual release that he didn’t get with his W. Apparently she didn’t like sex. Yes that old chestnut too. I told him it was over, I couldn’t do it any more. He was using me. I threw away my mobile phone and blocked my e-mails. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. It broke my heart. I really truly loved him and wanted to be with him. I would have left my H for him.

 

So, after I ended it I refocused my energies into my M and things with my H have improved a lot. We are a lot happier and I am happy with him. I will stay with him for the rest of my life and will never have another affair. However, I am still thinking of XMM a lot of the time. I am still obsessing about him. I don’t want to get back into a relationship with him. I don’t want to do any of that ever again. But, and this is the reason for my post, why can’t I just let this go? It is 15 months since I ended it with him. I tell myself to let it go. I tell myself to stop obsessing. But it’s not working. When I decided to register I chose the name “Sooverhim” but really it was wishful thinking, because I am not.

 

I know you will advise me to get Counselling. But I can't afford it. I live in Scotland and to get counselling I would need to be mentally ill, or suffering from anorexia, or an alcoholic or something. There is nothing medically or mentally wrong with me. I have to try and deal with this myself

 

Thanks for listening x

 

Sooverhim,

 

I am single , have been out of my A for a little over 13 months now. I had a difficult time for the first seven months.

 

I just did alot of walking and thinking rationally about my situation. I posted here often, and replied alot to others, focusing more on helping others.

 

You can do this, forgive yourself, don't romanticize the A, thinking about good times you might have shared. If something does come to mind about your A, think it through and give it an ending. Then tell yourself it's ok to let it go now and move forward with your life now.

 

Make new memories with your H. Give yourself things to look forward to.

 

 

These are just some of the things I've been doing for myself. I hope some of it is useful and helpful. Good luck to you.

[Pierre]

OP:

 

 

The affair lasted two years. It will be a minimum of two years of 100% NC before you cross the river to the other side.

 

Affairs end when the romance is at an all time high. So it it is much harder to end an affair than a typical open relationship that dies at its low point.

 

I congratulate you for knowing the whole affair scene is mundane and cliche. And by the way you are not that different than your lover. The two of you are cake eaters. You are people that need others to be happy.

[Sooverhim]

OP:

 

 

The affair lasted two years. It will be a minimum of two years of 100% NC before you cross the river to the other side.

 

Affairs end when the romance is at an all time high. So it it is much harder to end an affair than a typical open relationship that dies at its low point.

 

I congratulate you for knowing the whole affair scene is mundane and cliche. And by the way you are not that different than your lover. The two of you are cake eaters. You are people that need others to be happy.

 

Thanks Pierre! Well we last had contact last September when he appeared outside my work to tell me how much he still loved me. I told him to go away, I'm not playing that game any more. So I still have 15 months of NC to go.

 

I absolutely agree with you that I was cake eating too, and I was using him just as much as he used me, in a different way though. For me it wasn't so much the sex, though I thoroughly enjoyed it, but I loved having all the attention, being told how beautiful I am (I'm not by the way, I am plain) how sexy, how funny. Lots and lots of ego stroking from both of us. A bog-standard common or garden A, pure and simple, nothing more nothing less:o

[skywriter]

Reading your post, you sound very insightful about your A. I believe you're gonna be just fine.

 

Once you sink your heels in, forgive yourself, find healthier distractions, you'll be on your way to moving forward.

[BrokenPrincess]

I do agree that the secretiveness has a lot to do with it. Everything is bottled inside for you to work through by yourself. I've been doing IC but it really isn't helping much, except as a safe outlet to talk. My H doesn't know of my A either.

 

I also kept an online journal during and after my A, not published or anything, but it gave me a place to vent. Later, it was/is therapeutic to me to also read back through the last year and remember some of the BAD feelings I had in my A instead of just the good--the insecurity, paranoia, stress, anxiety about my H finding out, etc.

 

I'm sorry you're still hurting but am glad to hear your M is back on track. I hope I can say the same in another year....

[Pierre]

Thanks Pierre! Well we last had contact last September when he appeared outside my work to tell me how much he still loved me. I told him to go away, I'm not playing that game any more. So I still have 15 months of NC to go.

 

I absolutely agree with you that I was cake eating too, and I was using him just as much as he used me, in a different way though. For me it wasn't so much the sex, though I thoroughly enjoyed it, but I loved having all the attention, being told how beautiful I am (I'm not by the way, I am plain) how sexy, how funny. Lots and lots of ego stroking from both of us. A bog-standard common or garden A, pure and simple, nothing more nothing less:o

 

Many that have affairs love external validation. And in turn they provide massive validation to the affair partner. It is a win win situation for the affair partners. It is all wonderful in the affair bubble. However, if the bubble breaks things go sour.

 

 

Don't worry, you are normal!:p

[jlola]

Many that have affairs love external validation. And in turn they provide massive validation to the affair partner. It is a win win situation for the affair partners. It is all wonderful in the affair bubble. However, if the bubble breaks things go sour.

 

 

Don't worry, you are normal!:p

 

Look up words such as "affair bubble infatuation". Interesting reading how your body produces chemicals much like cocaine to keep you hooked and dependent during an affair.

 

It is fascinating what science is learning about love and certain dynamics that "reinforce" crazy feelings. Such as secrets,intermittent rewards,push-pull, longing,fantasy. All do something to your brain and throws logic out the window. Creates a false "soulmate" experience.

[chalkfarm]

I do think it is better for my H NOT to know about my A, I do think very strongly that it would be incredibly distressing for him to know what I did to him behind his back, and telling him could very well destroy our marriage. We are happy now, I am just hanging on to some of those old feelings for XMM, and I need to stop doing that.

 

Hello SoOverHim,

 

This crap takes a LONG time to move past for us girlies. I've been checking back here for 3 years. THREE YEARS! Were my XMM completely out of my head, I would be completely out of here.

 

I think the idea of having a specific time for obsessing is a good idea. It is commonly spoken of in therapy situations.

 

For what it is worth, it took me 1 year, 6 months and 10 days to feel a significant shift in my feelings. And after that, things got slowly but progressively better.

 

I can tell you what I posted recently about "the thoughts" -

 

"The man crosses my mind daily but it is FAR from overwhelming.

 

"I think absolutely no good thoughts about him. Or at least I try to think only negative things. I refuse to pine.

 

"When the break happened, I killed him in my mind. Literally. I stabbed him in the heart like some kind of maniac. My tools even evolved from a large kitchen knife to a smaller more manageable ice pick. The latter required more physical action on my part but it was easier to wield - made it between the ribs with ease, effectively punctured kidneys and the sternum."

 

Others posted that they refused to vilify their affair partner or deny the importance of the past relationship. Well, I am sorry but my XMM is "a threat to MY happiness and well being. A menace to MY self esteem." He deserves no pride of place in my heart or thoughts.

 

As for therapy, I truly believe that you need a safe place to talk out all of this "stuff". If IC isn't an option, think about group therapy. It is half the cost and with a good leader, there is no judgement.

 

Also, the sadness that you say you are feeling is depression. They were the first words I spoke to my therapist. Through a deluge of tears I told him that I just felt "so sad".

 

And last but not least, I asked my shrink (PHD medical doctor with 40 years in the biz) about this wide spread idea that a betrayed spouse must be told about the affair. He said he would not advocate confessing unless motivated by the desire to end a marriage or simply hurt the spouse. I understand the idea that confessing might end the obsessive thinking but at what cost?

[Sooverhim]

Hi Chalkfarm!

 

Thank you so much for your insightful and supportive post, I very much appreciate it. It's good to hear that you have found a way to deal with your obsessive thoughts. I do find seeing my XMM as he really is, with my eyes open and a realistic view does massively help blow away any fond memories. Although I did my fair share of "cake eating" he was a master of manipulation, feeding me half truths, lies of omission and just blatant lies in order to keep me hanging on, and I've been reminding myself of all that over the last couple of days, and am thinking of him in a more detached disdainful sort of way.

 

Great advice about the group therapy, I will look into that. I also think there could be free group counselling advertised in the medical centre, so will check that out tomorrow.

 

Thank you also for your advice about confessing to my H. I see it is very strongly advocated on these boards, but am absolutely certain that it would be the worse thing I could possibly do to my H. I totally agree with your shrink ... it would be a sure fire way to end my M and hurt my H, and seeing as though we are now very happy together, back in love and enjoying each other it would be absolute insanity for me to throw a grenade into all of that, just so that I could relieve myself of the burden of my secret. In the big scheme of things it's not that much of a burden

[chalkfarm]

...we are now very happy together, back in love and enjoying each other

 

This is really wonderful! A true bright light! You are indeed a lucky woman.

[Darth Vader]

Hi Cominginhot!

 

What changed was that I spoke to my H, actually on the day after I ended my A, to say that I was unhappy, we had drifted apart, I was lonely, and that we needed to spend time together and improve our M, otherwise I was thinking of leaving. My H has been wonderful about working on our M, and as a result we have become much closer. I do want to carry on being married to my H and have no desire to have another A, not now not ever.

 

 

Sure your Husband's fixing the marriage, under false pretenses! He'll find out about the affair someday, BS's almost always do!

[Darth Vader]

I'm just so sad CIH that I didn't talk to my H about how I was feeling BEFORE I went off on my self-indulgent journey into fantasy-A-land, it was a very very stupid thing to do, it brought me so much pain and heartbreak and I am very lucky not to have had a D day. I am working on falling back in love with my H, and that's the thing, it does take WORK. But at least I no longer love XMM, so I have made a lot of progress. And I do live a real life in the real world now. I'd never go back to living a life of deception, lies, disappointment and continual rejection again.

 

My H is a good man, and so devoted to me, I did such a terrible thing. Wouldn't it be good if people read on these boards BEFORE embarking on an A, I'm sure it would make them think twice:)

 

 

Except for the very fact that you still are living in that lifestyle! Not to mention forcing your Husband to live a Lie rather than him having a choice as to how he wants to live his life and whom he wishes to spend it with!

 

My point is, TELL YOUR HUSBAND THE TRUTH!

[Sooverhim]

Except for the very fact that you still are living in that lifestyle! Not to mention forcing your Husband to live a Lie rather than him having a choice as to how he wants to live his life and whom he wishes to spend it with!

 

My point is, TELL YOUR HUSBAND THE TRUTH!

 

Sorry for the delay in responding to this, I have only just noticed your replies to my thread.

 

I don't understand this forum's obsession with telling BS at all costs, no matter what the circumstances.

 

I ended my A 16 months ago. Things have changed a lot since then. I have changed a lot. My H is very happy, I am very happy, our M is better than it has been since our children were little. Why on earth would I break my H's heart now and destroy our M by telling him about an A that I had in the past which I realise was a terrible mistake and wish desperately that I had never done. To me that is utter stupidity! Possibly I should have told him at the time. Definately I should I have told him I was thinking about it before doing it. But absolutely no way should I tell him now and ruin everything for both of us and our children!

 

I don't know whether telling BSs at all costs is something that self-help books spout as the only way forward, or whether it's therapists, or whether it is just this forum, or other forums. I can tell you now and anybody else who follows this mentality, that it is not what is best under the circumstances for me and my family.

 

I could add an angry face to my post too to emphasise my point, but I think it's childish, so I wont bother!

[Ps33]

Sorry for the delay in responding to this, I have only just noticed your replies to my thread.

 

I don't understand this forum's obsession with telling BS at all costs, no matter what the circumstances.

 

I ended my A 16 months ago. Things have changed a lot since then. I have changed a lot. My H is very happy, I am very happy, our M is better than it has been since our children were little. Why on earth would I break my H's heart now and destroy our M by telling him about an A that I had in the past which I realise was a terrible mistake and wish desperately that I had never done. To me that is utter stupidity! Possibly I should have told him at the time. Definately I should I have told him I was thinking about it before doing it. But absolutely no way should I tell him now and ruin everything for both of us and our children!

 

I don't know whether telling BSs at all costs is something that self-help books spout as the only way forward, or whether it's therapists, or whether it is just this forum, or other forums. I can tell you now and anybody else who follows this mentality, that it is not what is best under the circumstances for me and my family.

 

I could add an angry face to my post too to emphasise my point, but I think it's childish, so I wont bother!

 

 

I think the point is.. While he doesn't know, you are still betraying him. You still hold a secret with another man over him and something that he would want to know. He has the right to an honest and faithful relationship, one that you could still give him but your taking that choice from him. He has the right to know who he's with and the choice whether to love her for her flaws or not.

 

I'm not judging but after advice on here I knew I had to give my fiance the choice. After a few months she is only beginning to speak to me again. I hope one day she forgives me and we can move forward but it's a chance I took when I decided to cheat.

 

I couldn't live a lie longer. For me, and only me, so again please don't feel I'm judging you, I didn't want my mistakes to define me. We all make them, it's how we pick up the pieces that matters I think. The affair I had will be a blot in my life not a skeleton that I have to carry and hide. Once it was out, it cleared my mind and refocused it instantly. I needed it out there too. People may suggest that is selfish but giving my partner the choice and control over her love for me, I believe, is truly unselfish.