carhill Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 In interpersonal relationships, I value interest above competence. 1
Star Gazer Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Yes, it would turn me off. Your field is much more complex than mine, but I get just as annoyed when a lay person talks to me about the intricacies of the law or factors involved in litigation risk as though they completely understand. It bugs. That said, I would find his interest endearing.
FitChick Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Perhaps the poor sap was told by exes that he never showed interest in what they did for a living and that he was too self-centered, so he sought to correct that flaw. If I were in the OP's position I would have simply said, "I would rather forget about work and just relax and get to know you better."
pcplod Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 You show great understanding of life and human nature.LS. If I do it is only because I am older, a lot older and that has given me more time to make mistakes and time to reflect on them. And I'm not even contemplating the mistakes yet to come in that. And just becuase I can think about it doesn't necessarily mean that I can do it. Just life, that is. Here's how I sort of personally see it. It's the simple things, the achievable things that matter. All the fame won't matter to you when you are dead. A terrible cliche I know but it has this awfulness for you when the reality of it to you strikes home. It's just like all those other cliches that you might sneer at when younger, more ambitious and lees grounded and realistic. Do you have to sacrifice yourself to achieve fame? Is that intrinsically right? "Money doesn't make you happy". But it enables you to fend off the fear and anxiety and depression of not being able to just survive. That then allows you the focus of mind to seek what would make you happy. Don't have children to make your mother happy. I'm not sure you should even have children to just make yourself happy, because there is no guarantee that will happen. I accept the biological imperative for the majority of women, but I do question it if for no other reason there are women out there who's sense of self, completeness apparently does not rest on becoming mothers. If your mother is like my mother, there are three things I would reflect on. Despite everything, she is glad she had you and that you are there.If she had to choose one thing and one thing only for her children, it is to know that they are happy and secure even after she has gone.That you should be there, can be there and are willing to be there when she is old enough that the thought of being alone and totally self-reliant worries her. Small things like feeling vulnerable or not being able to care for herself. If those things aren't there, central to your relationship, then I would wonder whether there is something wrong. I'm phlegmatic to the extent that I think that these three factors are core to even an okay relationship between a mother and her children. So, ask yourself what will make YOU happy, not what will make others happy. There is nothing fundamentally selfish in that if for no other reason that it enables you to just live. Your mother, if she is a wise woman, will know this all too well. Seek to be happy. Figure out what will probably make you happy.Let everything else flow from that.F**k convention if convention won't help you achieve happiness. Don't conform simply because that is what you are supposed to do, or because that is supposed to be the right thing. If it doesn't seem right to you, then it is not. The biggest achievement you will ever be in your life is to simply be yourself, the authentic self. It will be a bigger achievement than achieving fame, benefiting mankind or leaving a legacy. The reason being because it is the most difficult thing to do, to achieve, that and be happy and content within yourself. I am convinced that you can only achieve happiness through authenticity with yourself, that everything else is merely a step or a process towards achieving that or, on the negative side, a useless hindrance to achieving it. Sorry for rambling incoherently and incompletely, I am simply trying to bring too many threads of thought together. A final thought, think of those public figure-heads that you might consider "have achieved". Consider what they think of their achievements and where the would put them in the context of their lives now. Maybe Bill Gates, for one? Do you think what he achieved with Microsoft is more important than what he is doing right now? Important though that may have been to him then and whatever he thinks of it now, I am willing to bet that what he is doing now is more important simply because it is no longer just about him. Today is an achievement even if you only want to see what tomorrow brings.
KungFuJoe Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I'm a Systems Architect in IT, but no one EVER understands what I do when I mention it. So now I just say I work in "computers". Then they always respond with "Oh, so you fix printer issues and stuff like that?". Before, I used to say, "No...not like that at all...." and then try to explain, but lately I've just been saying, "Yeah...just like that". 2
pcplod Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I have tried and failed. Correction. You have failed so far. Would you regard yourself as a "high-achiever"? Would others regard you as a "high achiever"? I think one of the issues for high achievers is coming to terms with when they fail. For them, often, the concept and experience of failure is one that is impossible to come to terms with, even accept. At this point you should fully realise that succeeeding is not always totally and exclusively within your own remit and that it often requires the input of others. That prospect can be really scary if you have never truly experienced it before. A struggle like that is merely every day, bread-and-butter stuff to mere mortals like the rest of us.
pcplod Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I'm a Systems Architect in IT, but no one EVER understands what I do when I mention it. So now I just say I work in "computers". Then they always respond with "Oh, so you fix printer issues and stuff like that?". Before, I used to say, "No...not like that at all...." and then try to explain, but lately I've just been saying, "Yeah...just like that". Yep Joe, I know exactly what you mean. "Don't systems architects design buildings or something? 1
Estate Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 As you all know, I do research for work. It's a mix of maths and genetics so most people don't get it (not trying to be condescending, just it's a highly specialized area and not exactly a fun date conversation, unless the guy works in the same field). I don't need a guy that understands/talks about it at all. I talk about it at work plenty so it's cool. Imagine if your date kept insisting on talking about your research. I try to steer the topic to something else. but he goes: "I googled you and saw your publication on xyz, tell me more about it". I give a brief explanation and he stops me 'Oh I totally get it. You did such and such...'. Every single word he said was so completely off the mark that I couldn't even bother correcting him Then he said "See! I bet you don't meet a guy every day that can talk to you about this stuff" This lack of self-awareness makes me lose attraction completely. I guess I should be flattered that someone is taking interest in my work? I just wish....that he either got it close to right or said nothing at all. Note: this is a past dating scenario Typical of a guy who has read a few PUA books and thinks he gets it but is waaaaaaaaaaaaay off. He's trying to build rapport by keeping you doing the talking "80/20 rule" and trying to show what a great conversationalist he is by being able to relate to you about anything. When I say he's looked at PUA books... I'm not saying it in a bad way... he might just be used to dates going a bit stale and loosing things to talk about so he's gone this route but given he's not really getting it, I highly doubt he's a PUA, just a guy looking for some help. If you like him, give him a chance, if not, don't make it harder.
Queen Zenobia Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I'm an economist. Happily married (to a fellow economist ) so I don't have any issues on dates. But I've often told people what I do and had people ask me for stock tips, or what they can do to lower their tax burden. I always tell them to consult google.
pcplod Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 ES. Don't just accept. Do like I did and do without. Poor though it may be, just accepting mediocrity will simply destroy your soul. Guaranteed. You don't even have to be half as self-aware, sentient and intelligent as you are for that to happen. Just ask any married woman out there who is still in a marriage that has no respect, trust, joy, happiness, love, or dare I say it, sex, as she considers does she suck it up for the kids sake, or does she file for divorce or does she, euphemistically, 'out-source'. It happens with much greater frequency than you might care to contemplate and more women file for divorce than men and little of it has to do with something fundamentally being wrong such as physical violence or emotional abuse. A phrase that they often use is "I love him, but I am not in love with him. And men use it frequently too. Just don't do it.
miss_jaclynrae Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 It is one thing to be intrigued and inquisitive... it is another to pretend you have a grasp of the concept.
RedRobin Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 No, the way you put it... that wouldn't turn me off. The only time it might get on my nerves is if I weren't allowed to have my own area of expertise or contribution... A lot of guys feel a lot of pressure to be viewed as in charge and strong... I too would put it into the 'trying to hard' category but would cut him some slack as long as it wasn't routine.
Els Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I'm a Systems Architect in IT, but no one EVER understands what I do when I mention it. So now I just say I work in "computers". Then they always respond with "Oh, so you fix printer issues and stuff like that?". Before, I used to say, "No...not like that at all...." and then try to explain, but lately I've just been saying, "Yeah...just like that". ROFL . This reminds me of some relatives who ask me to help them make youtube videos and powerpoint presentations, because apparently scientists should do anything and everything that's 'computer-related'...
Babolat Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 haha pclod, yes I tend to diss my job role too much by constantly telling people that it's boring. In fact, I don't find it boring at all, but some may feel intimidated so I try to minimize it. Interestingly, I have had some guys from all walks of life and education levels intuitively get the main concepts. I am always impressed when they are even sort of right. But this guy was just painful. Especially the fact that he kept bringing it up again and again. For the most part though, I want to be sexy and flirt on a date, so work talk tends to bring the mood down. Teaching a date is not my idea of fun :/ I have recently been on a date (more of a friendship kind of date) with a girl from work (we really never see each other, different departments, different buildings). The conversation moved into work and I quickly said "I have no desire to talk about work...can we stop?" She agreed, we stopped. I felt anxious and stressed when we started..I wanted to chill, relax, have a drink, go dance....
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