lexxxxxy Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 (edited) Hey guys n gals, hey guys really need some advice.. me and my ex broke up after 5.5years after she told me she cheated on me once with her ex by hooking up and giving him a blowwjobb and told me 6months later. The same guy she was with for 3months prior to us getting together and she told me he treated her like shieeettt. He now has a kid with some random chick that's hes not even with and just seems like a sleeze that gets around. We tried to sort of make it work but it wasn't and she felt really terrible and sorry about it and i found it very hard to accept after 5 years of being loyal, buying her nice things and doing many things for this girl and even gave her one of my cars because she crashed hers and her parents wouldnt help her out, always bought her nice gifts, always complemented her to make her feel better and just in general did the right thing by her. She broke up with me on valentines day and a week later it was my bday and she didnt even wish me happy bday after all these years together. we have now been on no contact for 4 months and its her bday in a week, just wondering do you guys think will ever hear from her again? should i tell her happy bday in a text message? or just leave it be and work on getting over her? i havnt dated a girl sinse and i feel pretty emotional still over this to the point i still cry every few days about it cause i did really love her and did not see this coming at all. She always told me she wouldnt ever do that to me nor could she see herself with another guy etc etc. Im just worried as i havnt seen her or heard from her sinse we broke up 4 months ago i dont want to come across desperate or asif im running back to her if i contact her by messaging happy bday. i do know she added that same ex on facebook bout a month ago so quite possibly she may be seeing him or having sex with him or hanging out or talking to him. What do you guys think? im just finding it hard to let up and forget about her Thanks in advance for any advice Edited June 25, 2013 by lexxxxxy
ExpatInItaly Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I wouldn't text her. She hasn't contacted you, but you can see that she IS in contact with her ex again. Under other circumstances, it might be alright to wish an ex a happy birthday. In this case, however, she treated you badly and hasn't bothered to get in touch. In time, you'll realize you dodged a huge bullet here and you'll be thankful you didn't reach out to her. She isn't worth it.
TaraMaiden Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 ...... just wondering do you guys think will ever hear from her again? should i tell her happy bday in a text message? No. or just leave it be and work on getting over her? Yup. What do you guys think? im just finding it hard to let up and forget about her. Thanks in advance for any advice Forget all and every and any idea of ever contacting her again. Read the No Contact Guide in my signature. She's gone. It's been 4 months with nothing and trust me, this is as big a chunk of evidence as you'll ever need, that she has totally moved on and gone. Work on stepping forward, moving on and healing. This is no longer anything about her. This is now, about you. Healing and being happy. It takes time, but the first thing you need to do, is to accept it, and let go.
Author lexxxxxy Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 (edited) thanks for the reply guys what your saying i totally agree with, i just still feel really lonely at nights and always think about her, i think its really affected me so much because it was so unexpected and all them things i done for her i dont know how she could ask this way towards me just makes me freak out abit at the amount of time and my youth ive lost in this relationship (im 25 now, we were together sinse i was 19). we used to hang out and spend almost every night together all those years and we were like best friends she would always tell me that. Ive had a few times where a blocked number has called me very late at night and would just hang up when i say hello and i suspect it might be her and also she does have abit of pride so i dont see her reaching out to me as much as she would actually like too. I just need to somehow get the idea of talking or seeing her again out of my head, i dont want her back but for some stupid reason i do want to see her again and talk, maybe because when we did break up i didn't feel any closure what so ever. It was weird because the day we did break up we actually had sex just before she left (maybe for last time?) and when she left she told me it would never be completely over and that this wouldnt be the last time we would be together?? maybe thats why that hope is still there?? Oh and i forgot to mention her reason for giving him a blloowwjob was that he was being really pushy and was trying to have sex with her and she didnt so she just did that to get him off her back and then she told me she layed there awake all night staring out the window at the moon?? some alcohol was involved but i doubt she didnt know what she was doing sounded like the most retarded excuse ever right? Edited June 25, 2013 by lexxxxxy
BeholdtheMan Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 *snip*She cheats on you and breaks up with you... Yeah, time to move on bro. Be grateful that she broke up with you as you probably wouldn't have had the strength to do it yourself. Now you're free to move on and find someone who deserves you! Maintain no contact. Don't contact her at all. Move on with your life. You'll find someone better. Good luck!
TaraMaiden Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 thanks for the reply guys what your saying i totally agree with, i just still feel really lonely at nights and always think about her, i think its really affected me so much because it was so unexpected and all them things i done for her i dont know how she could ask this way towards me just makes me freak out abit at the amount of time and my youth ive lost in this relationship (im 25 now, we were together sinse i was 19). Oh, please.... life isn't over for god's sake! I got married 2 years ago, and I'm in my mid 50's, so don't go all droopy, 'woe is me', because I'm sorry, it doesn't wash, not in this camp! Contacting her to wish her a happy birthday won't cure the 'lonely nights blues'. Guaranteed the opposite in fact. we used to hang out and spend almost every night together all those years and we were like best friends she would always tell me that. Yes....and? I had a dog like that once. best buddy of my life. Ive had a few times where a blocked number has called me very late at night and would just hang up when i say hello and i suspect it might be her and also she does have abit of pride so i dont see her reaching out to me as much as she would actually like too. If a blocked number calls you, then it's not blocked.... is it? If I block a number, I never get called by it. Or even notified.... I just need to somehow get the idea of talking or seeing her again out of my head, i dont want her back but for some stupid reason i do want to see her again and talk, maybe because when we did break up i didn't feel any closure what so ever. Ah yes. The big 'Closure' deal. Here's the thing: Closure never comes from them. EVER. It can only ever come from you. Because you need to know, understand and accept IT'S O.V.E.R. Everybody always wnats 'closure' form the ex. It can never happen, because if and as and when you see them, to get this magical 'closure' stuff done with - it only brings up new feelings, questions pain and heartache. Forget it. Not going to happen.... It was weird because the day we did break up we actually had sex just before she left (maybe for last time?) and when she left she told me it would never be completely over and that this wouldnt be the last time we would be together?? maybe thats why that hope is still there?? Yeah. That's 'breadcrumbs'. Feeds their Ego. Ensures you don't forget them, hold them in your heart and lets you down with a hope. Fat chance. Hope contains zero guarantee. Forget that. She just said it to 'be nice' because you'd just had sex. She didn't want to leave you with the impression you'd just been had. Literally. Oh and i forgot to mention her reason for giving him a blloowwjob was that he was being really pushy and was trying to have sex with her and she didnt so she just did that to get him off her back and then she told me she layed there awake all night staring out the window at the moon?? some alcohol was involved but i doubt she didnt know what she was doing sounded like the most retarded excuse ever right? Nooooooo! Really?? YA THINK - ?!? 1
Author lexxxxxy Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 thanks so much for taking the time to respond and read through what i wrote. It just really sucks i wish id never met her! let alone spend those years with her not know how much of a dog shes turned out to be. I just wonder why do you think shes done this? like as in cheated on me after all these years especially with an ex whos some fkkktard? bored of me? liked the attention? slut? A little before we broke up she brought up marriage in topic and i got the idea she was wondering why id hadnt asked her yet ????.. how could she even bring that up knowing what shes done by cheating wtf?
eleve82 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 You'll probably never know.. But while we're hypothesising.. Maybe she got tired of waiting for something to happen (proposal wise) or started getting bored and looked for attention elsewhere. Maybe her ex was an easy way out to find a way to break up with you. Maybe she's confused. But really, the way she's treated you kind of says everything (even if we're only hearing your side of the story). For any relationship to have a glimmer of hope, trust is an important component and that has already been ruined. I'd say don't give more than she does. Ie no wishing her happy birthday!!
TaraMaiden Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 (edited) thanks so much for taking the time to respond and read through what i wrote. Hey, no problem...It's my day off, so I got the time.... It just really sucks i wish id never met her! let alone spend those years with her not know how much of a dog shes turned out to be. No... You should be grateful for times like these. Times like these help you establish and reinforce your own boundaries. They're a learning curve and a growing experience. It's all grist to the mill, and helps you see a bigger picture. When someone's an @ssh0le, loving them makes you blind to that - until they crap on you.... I just wonder why do you think shes done this? Does it matter? like as in cheated on me after all these years There's no 'time-limit' on cheating. It happens to a lot of people, regardless of how long they've been together... especially with an ex whos some fkkktard? Water finds its own level, as I've read on this forum..... bored of me? Possibly... liked the attention? Possibly... slut? Now that's unnecessary. And not nice. A little before we broke up she brought up marriage in topic and i got the idea she was wondering why id hadnt asked her yet ????.. how could she even bring that up knowing what shes done by cheating wtf? See, you're asking the pointless questions again. It's this closure schytt you're hammering on. Forget it, ok? Edited June 25, 2013 by TaraMaiden
Author lexxxxxy Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 cheers for the responses guys... appreciate it what do you guys think i need to do to get me to stop thinking about her and still 4months later feeling so hurt and betrayed i try hang out with my mates and i go to gym and work alot but it just still doesnt feel right maybe i need to see a shrink?
TaraMaiden Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 You'll be thinking about her for a long time. memories are memories - there's no point seeing anyone professionally,. if all you want to do is to stop thinking, and 'forget'. The problem is - people think that's a problem. It isn't. It's what you DO with those thoughts - that is the problem.... I read something on the internet, a while back, that struck a chord.... Basically it said that when you're in true mental distress, the distress lasts for 12 minutes or so. After that, it's self-inflicted. A stack of people came back with arguments against this fact: That drug addicts can take years to get over their pain, bereavement is permanent because someone is gone you can't replace them... They were missing the point. If a thought that provokes the pain comes into your head, that thought generates that pain for around 12 minutes at a time. Any prolongation of that pain, is something you are psychologically inflicting upon yourself, by perpetuating that pain. So the thing to do, is to not permit that pain to 'snowball.' This is the problem with situations like this: Those nursing a broken/healing heart, can't "just leave it there".... They begin the snowballing... that is, they have the grain of an embryonic thought, and instead of leaving it, they begin to roll it DOWN the hill, accumulating more 'snow' as they go, turning this fleeting little notion into a great big story complete with chapter, verse, footnotes and date references.... The trick is to not start rolling the snowball. Pick it up and throw it, and move on. It takes time to 'get over' a relationship of any kind. But in your healing process, learn to spot, to recognise, where the real 'pain' should stop, and where you begin with the self-inflicted 'pain'. Pain is valid. Emotions are valid. They deserve to be honoured. But if we self-inflict, we actually do those honourable feelings an injustice, because we coat them and embellish them with our own story, and blur the edges of their raw honesty. The self inflicted pain begins when you begin to labour the point. When you diversify from the original thought and take that line of thinking into a completely new and unrelated zone. you may THINK it's all related, but it's not. For example: (totally invented and just to demonstrate....) You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accuses you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what she was wearing, other things she said.... Here it is again, with the original thought, and where the point starts getting laboured... (1) You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accuses you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, [highlight]snowballing starts here[/highlight] (2) but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what she was wearing, other things she said.... See what happened there? You began the snowballing, adding, embellishing, expanding - and feeding your own pain. Feel the feeling (1). Don't labour the point (2).
Author lexxxxxy Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 awesome read i totally understand that!!! thanks so much
crazy1234 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 why do u even want to hear from her now?She did what she had to.She chose to cheat and its never to late to realize that bad things should be overlooked.I dont know honestly if you'll hear from her,but i really think u should let it be the way it is.I get it You loved her,we all did love some undeserving people dearly.But,She aint you'r girl.If she was she wouldnt do all that.So yeah dont call her and maintain complete NC.
Author lexxxxxy Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 i really don't even know why i do want to hear from her?? just cause i guess we spent 5 years together ALL the time almost everyday and we used to do everything together, just feel weird not having her around but yeh... i hear you guys im definitely not going to break no contact and work on getting over it and not thinking about her
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