AliAria Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Hi everyone! I just wanted to post here to get something off of my chest that has been really bothering me for the past few years. I am at my wits end and just need someone to hear me out and/or give me validation that I'm not the only person experiencing this. Here goes... I've been with the same guy since I was 19. I'm 36 now and we still have not gotten married. However, we're in the process of planning a ceremony within the next 6 months, so I'm really excited about that. So, I've been in a steady relationship with the same guy for 17 years, which is longer than what many marriages last these days. Sounds great, right? Almost. The thing that's upsetting me the most inside is that my fiance and I haven't made love in years. If I remember correctly, the last time that we were intimate with each other was maybe about 6 years ago. And let me tell you that it hurts me deep inside. But wait, it gets complicated. When we first met, everything was wonderful. The passion was there, the intimacy was there, and we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. The thing is back when we first met, I had promised myself that I'd keep my virginity until I got married. However, about 5 years into the relationship I cracked and we ended up making love...many times. Things were perfect back then. It would take just one look or one kiss to set him off, but about 2 years later, things started to go downhill. Yes, I do understand that passion and intimacy can get stale the longer that you're in a relationship. But anyway, as I was saying, things started to go south for the winter. Due to unforeseen circumstances, we were forced to move--in with my parents until we got back on our feet. To keep things brief, my parents made things a living hell for us. I fell into a depression, and so did he, little things started to tick us off, and he started to put on weight. Luckily, we were able to get out of that situation in a few months' time, but we still had a hard time. Because of the economy, work was scarce. I managed to find work, but he didn't. Depression once again set in for him and he gained more weight. By then, it practically became an ordeal for me to receive any kind of affection from my fiance. I'd try to kiss him and he'd pull away. I'd try to hold his hand in public, and he'd pull away or act silly. I'd try to drape an arm around him, and he'd push me away. I'd try to snuggle up to him in the privacy of our own place, and he'd tickle me, which I didn't like. All I wanted was to be held, to be loved, to have that connection once again, but it wasn't happening. Love making dwindled to the point where it was practically non-existent. When we tried to make love, he'd try to skip all foreplay and go straight to the climax. Somehow he talked me into going on the pill and that he'd be more apt to making love to me again. So, I did that, but every time I'd try to initiate something, he'd push me away or claim that he didn't want to get me pregnant. I stayed on the pill for 3 years before giving up. We hadn't had sex at all during that time. Until this day, it's still pretty much the same. I've tried talking to him about it, but he thinks I'm nagging him. I've tried not talking to him about it in hopes that he'd "find" himself, but nothing's happened. I've tried to explain how much I want him to kiss me, to really hug me, hold me, anything--but he'd always give me some lame excuse like, "I hold you when we're sleeping all the time." I want to feel the connection while I'm awake! What really hurts is that because we're not married and because my fiance's having a hard time finding a job, he has no insurance. That means no doctor's visit for weight control, Viagra, counseling, any of that good stuff. And to be honest with everyone, I am scared. My biological clock is ticking away and I really would like to have a baby soon. But if he can't perform, then I don't know. I'm so scared that by the time we get married, treatment/counseling/whatever won't help. I'm so scared that when we finally do get married, he won't make love to me on my wedding night. That's all, really. I've been carrying all off this around with me for years and needed to get this out.
Author AliAria Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 One word: insurance. I have it, but don't know how much of it will be covered. Yes, I know that I should've pursued help sooner, but I was in a bad place financially for so long. Plus, I just felt as if this wasn't something I could talk about to anyone openly and candidly, so I kept things bottled up. Religion + certain cultural backgrounds can really do it to you.
Author AliAria Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Affair? No. He's with me. All indications are pointing to depression. If anyone has any ideas for natural remedies for him to try, then that would be great. I'm willing to start somewhere.
Els Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 IMO, your major concern should be with the depression spiral he is in, not the lack of sex. The lack of sex is only a symptom. I can understand financial issues, but I'm really not sure that there's absolutely no way you can both afford a psychologist? Don't bother with the viagra - that isn't going to solve your issue. If you desire to stay with him, you need to find a way to afford professional help for him, period. If you don't, or if the help doesn't work, or if he doesn't want to get help, then for your own sake you need to leave. Because if you get married and have a family with things the way they are, you aren't only going to waste much more money than you would have spent on a psychologist - you are also going to have wasted many more years of your life, which is by far more precious. 2
KungFuJoe Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 One thing people never realize. It's NEVER about the sex. It's always some underlying condition. In this case, it's VERY obvious...his depression. Instead of worrying about how to get more affection out of your man, you need to be focusing on how to get him the BEST HELP possible. I know that if my woman was hurting in anyway, insurance be damned, I would do WHATEVER it took to make sure she got everything she needed to get better. 2
Author AliAria Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Thank you, Elswyth and KungFuJoe! I do intend to go to counseling with my fiance, but as I had hinted (maybe a bit too poorly because I was getting emotional as I wrote my post) I'm just so damned worried about finances. And yes, I truly and honestly believe it's his depression that's a major factor in this. I've suffered from depression and am receiving treatment for my case, but my fiance isn't keen on the whole medication standpoint of it. He's seen how I've gone through "brain zaps" and doesn't want the same. I'm wondering what other ways he can get that himself balanced but in a non-chemical way. Of course, once that's under some control, he can start exercising more for his weight (we've been going on short walks and after a while I go through a running workout). The bottom line is that yes, it is hard for me to give him up. We have been through so much together, and each time everything was said and done, we were always left standing and supporting each other. I can't just leave him over something like this. I know that he needs my help, and I think that leaving over lack of sex isn't right. Leaving someone who's depressed and needs help is selfish. Please, don't anyone think that I just willy nilly want to bring kids into this tomorrow. I just want other ideas to try until I can work the whole counseling bit through. I am aware that my window is closing, so I'm scrambling, trying to find a solution. 1
Els Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Well, the key thing is that he NEEDS to desire to work on this with you. If he doesn't want to do anything to change things, then your hands are tied. This isn't the same as 'leaving over lack of sex'. This man is suffering from depression that he doesn't want to treat, he doesn't give you any affection 'while awake', he's unable to seek employment, and if you do have a family with him you are likely to be handling everything on your own while not receiving any emotional support. Please postpone the marriage until these issues have been ironed out, for your own sake. If your H isn't willing to risk medication to save your R, he'd better at least be very open and willing to try therapy. 1
oldshirt Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 My recommendation will be different from the others. I reccommend individual counseling for you to determine why you are willing to settle for such a dysfunctional, disappointing and dissatisfying partner and situation. A counselor may help you gather the strength and wherewithall to move on with your life and pursue the happiness and fulfillment you desire and deserve. You will never find happiness and contentment with this man because he is broken and defective. If you were to walk up to and approach an average normal guy on the street you would be in a better situation than you are with this guy. The problem here is you have settling and tolerating a situation very few women would tolerate more than a few weeks. He is a lost cause. If you want to find happiness and a good life you are going to hav to leave him behind to move forward on your own. A good counselor can help you do that.
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