bambiwboone Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 After the stalking and craziness he has finally messaged me. He asked me if I could talk. I said yes. He told me he wanted to tell me he was sorry for everything he had done to me and said. He told me for what it was worth he missed talking to me and I could even show his wife the message. It was a very bizarre conversation. He asked me so many questions. Like if I was still interested in him. And why I was, he called himself a peace of ****. Told me that it has been so hard and I don't even know how hard it's been for him. He said he didn't even want to get out of bed in the morning. Financially, they are broke. They still fight about the same things. I asked if he missed me ( rather than just talking to me) he said he couldn't answer that because he shouldn't even be talking to me. Then I was like why are you talking to me then, he replied because I miss talking to you. He apolagized over and over. I felt so bad for him. He was crying. I am so taken back because I truely thought he didn't give a **** about any of this. He then messaged me again this morning, Saying he was sorry for messaging me so late Sat. Asked how things were going for me. If my husband and i were still seperated. Apolagized again, told me he didn't want things to go bad again ( wth?) He really doesn't want me to hate him he kept saying. One thing that struck me was I said something about would she be upset if she new you were talking to me again, he said yes. A couple min later he wrote "so you could probably have me back if you want me. What is he doing? Just playing with my mind? I am so happy to hear from him, but I remember how bad he hurt me and that scares me to death!! Anyone had this happen. Four months past DD
Praying4Peace Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I don't have time for a longer response, but I'll post one later: He wants her to kick him out again so this time he can just leave. That's what he meant by 'you can show her this' and 'you could probably have me back if you wanted' He feels like guilty **** and can't do it himself. You probably can understand, as you are married too. No one wants to be the bad guy who says "Ok, I'm done!" Four months out and NC, he needs a big hoopla/Dday so he can walk out. It's not like he has the guts to just tell her "Yeah, its been four months and I think I want out even though I told you before I'd try and work it out." That even makes me shake in my boots and I'm quite the gutsy one!!! 1
Author bambiwboone Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 I was sort of wondering that was the case also. If he really wanted me or use me as a way out. Uggh
Author bambiwboone Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Oh lol. He is suck an illusive person, I just really have no idea. I am literally dumbfounded and I just feel to jaded to even ask what he is doing.
2sunny Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 He's checking to be sure you're going to resume the affair. Apparently you will...since you stepped right into communicating with him. 2
Goodbye Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I think he was probably having a low esteem moment and wanted a boost. He wanted to know you are still into him. He is probably unhappy in his marriage but can't get his act together to leave. If he is doing what P4P suggested, I think he is doing it subconsciously. I doubt he really wants his wife to find out and be livid. What happened four months ago on your D day? 2
Author bambiwboone Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 I think he was probably having a low esteem moment and wanted a boost. He wanted to know you are still into him. He is probably unhappy in his marriage but can't get his act together to leave. If he is doing what P4P suggested, I think he is doing it subconsciously. I doubt he really wants his wife to find out and be livid. What happened four months ago on your D day? It was a mess. I essentially got tired of his back and forth. He came over told me he was going to leave. Then talked to his daughter changed his mind the next day called me and said he wasn't. This was like the third time he had done this, and I just lost it. Told his wife. Of course then he wouldn't talk to me at all. Told me he never had real feelings for me. He wanted me out of his life forever. He told her I was just his friend that went to far and he was just using me to talk to. Then a few weeks later he would follow me round. It was rather odd. He made up a fake email to text my new phone number from, I got his ip address when I got on my gmail and emailed it and he emailed me back, it was his ip. I know this because i got it from his other email account. He pretended he was someone else and asked me question. Very strange. I told on him. That insued another fight. Where he told me he don't have feelings for me and never will. I need to stay out of his life (HIS LIFE) . He called me told ME I had to stop this ****, which he was the one doing it. I told him on the phone I didn't want him, in fact I hated his guts. He ruined my life and treated me lower than anyone had ever treated me. He continued to go by my daughters softball games. He would go to the games that my daughter would play his niece, I coach my daughter. Just a mess and exhausting four months. Of fighting, stalking, police calling............i'm so broke down. I sort of think he likes his ego stroked to. He wants to validated. IDK
jlola Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Is there a book out there to tell these men how to act ? The behaviors of these MM seem so common it is scary. I bet looking through this forum you ill read a large majority of OW have described this exact same behavior. I think many believable he must be in love and cannot stay away. I think it's all about the ego boost and romance. The stories never seem to end well. Eventually OW wise up and stop playing games with selfish MM. 1
ladydesigner Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Is there a book out there to tell these men how to act ? The behaviors of these MM seem so common it is scary. I bet looking through this forum you ill read a large majority of OW have described this exact same behavior. I think many believable he must be in love and cannot stay away. I think it's all about the ego boost and romance. The stories never seem to end well. Eventually OW wise up and stop playing games with selfish MM. I know right I can see right through my WH now. Mine strayed for the ego boost and romance as well. It may have been love who knows I'm not doubting anything at this point. I do however commend the OW who do wise up and stop playing games with these MM. It really is the MM/MW who are the puppetmaster it seems.
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 His past behaviour with you-stalking you, but then making it seem like you were the one doing it-is pretty messed up. I don't blame you for being outraged with him, at the time. I'm not sure what to make of his apologies; it's entirely possible they're heartfelt, that he truly feels bad for all the hell he put you through. It's also possible that he needs validation from someone-since he and his wife are still having problems-and has come to you, whom was once a source of comfort (and more). He may not even know he's doing it (as someone else pointed out), but it's possible his guilt is a mixture of genuine remorse for what he did, and self-pity. I'm sure it's been really difficult for you. I haven't had the same situation, but I do know what it's like to force yourself not to contact someone...and when a lot of time passes, and they reach out to you, you become vulnerable, all over again. You may have been doing well for a few weeks or so, then Bam! You feel like your chest is caught in a vice. Tread carefully, hon. No one here can really tell you what to do, or how to do it. But I really suggest not telling his W again. It really sounds like he wants that-or at least, to some extent. He doesn't want to own up to it, himself; he wants her to be the one to end their relationship. If you gave into that, you'd be an unwitting pawn. Not saying he's intentionally using you in that regard-but it does look like he's looking to someone else to solve his problems. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you do it for you. I truly wish you the best of luck with this.
Author bambiwboone Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 So why are you talking to him? Validation for you? Do you want back in the affair? Good question, I don't know.
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 He isn't in love with you, he's lusting and attracted. He is looking for an affair again, he is NOT looking to divorce and start a new life with you. Men who are truly in love do NOT act this way, nor do they act like total d.ickwads. Your MM was fishing and making sure you weren't angry at him, that you were still into him. Ego feed! That's it. Sorry but I hope you don't get your hopes up again. Ask yourself WHY on earth after 4 months of NC, 4 months of YOU beginning to detach and heal, you'd actually give him the time of day. This man is POISON, please get back into NC mode and tell him to leave you alone.
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Good question, I don't know. My guess is, partial ego feed..He made you feel good again, showed some interest. But that AIN'T love. It's unhealthy attachment, unhealthy dynamic and addicted to affair feelings that were felt during your A with him. You do know, think about it. Really try to be objective and pretend your best friend is in your shoes and you're giving her advice. Might give you a new/different perspective on things. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 My guess is, partial ego feed..He made you feel good again, showed some interest. But that AIN'T love. It's unhealthy attachment, unhealthy dynamic and addicted to affair feelings that were felt during your A with him. You do know, think about it. Really try to be objective and pretend your best friend is in your shoes and you're giving her advice. Might give you a new/different perspective on things. It's difficult advice to follow, but I agree with whichwayisup; it may help you get through this much better.
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