Trulight Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 There is a MM I have worked with for the past 3 years. When I first met him sparks flew and then I found out he is married with kids. I was sad but didn't pursue him or lead him on. I found him shy around me and he would look at me when he thought i was not looking and throw out compliments but I just thought he was being friendly. Fast forward to today and I switched jobs and he got my contact info. He sent me a text saying how he was always happy when I'm working with him, that I am a special person and that he gets nervous around me. I couldn't believe it. I just said thank you and changed subjects. We sent a few emails back and forth and I told him I am nervous around him too and he wanted to know why but I didn't give him an answer. I also told him that I feel texting/emailing is crossing a boundary. He sent me a long email explaining that he's nervous and insecure about what he says and that he is sorry that it caused confusion. Yet he still old me i can contact him anytime and get in touch if I am in town. Now I'm more confused. I really want to email him and meet with him in person just to talk and see what he truly feels. Is he just wanting to see if I'm interested and leaving it up to me since he told me I can contact him anytime? Sorry for the long post.
MissBee Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Do you want an affair with him is the question? It's evident to me that if you allow it, you guys can quickly fall into one. Yet, you tell him you feel he is crossing boundaries...yet you also want to meet up to pursue it. So what do you want? Do you want an affair with him, as my wager is, if you do, he is more than open to it. 3
Goodbye Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Do yourself (and him) a huge favor and just end it now. End it before it begins. If you are even posting the question here, you completely understand the undertones of your communications with him. You can feel flattered if you wish...but now walk away. 2
aliveagain Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Is this who you are? Think real hard before jumping in with both feet because you can't take it back or have a do over once it starts. The only way you win is by destroying someone else's family. Just read in Infidelity, see some of the pain expressed by both OW/OM as well as the Betrayed Spouse's, this is where your going. What, there are no single me in your city? You have boundary issues, you should find out why, I would bet money that your past relationships haven't worked out and until you work on this issue you will continue to. 4
Pierre Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 There is a MM I have worked with for the past 3 years. When I first met him sparks flew and then I found out he is married with kids. I was sad but didn't pursue him or lead him on. I found him shy around me and he would look at me when he thought i was not looking and throw out compliments but I just thought he was being friendly. Fast forward to today and I switched jobs and he got my contact info. He sent me a text saying how he was always happy when I'm working with him, that I am a special person and that he gets nervous around me. I couldn't believe it. I just said thank you and changed subjects. We sent a few emails back and forth and I told him I am nervous around him too and he wanted to know why but I didn't give him an answer. I also told him that I feel texting/emailing is crossing a boundary. He sent me a long email explaining that he's nervous and insecure about what he says and that he is sorry that it caused confusion. Yet he still old me i can contact him anytime and get in touch if I am in town. Now I'm more confused. I really want to email him and meet with him in person just to talk and see what he truly feels. Is he just wanting to see if I'm interested and leaving it up to me since he told me I can contact him anytime? Sorry for the long post. Are you being naive on purpose? He wants an affair. He is looking for extramarital sex. He is testing to see if you are willing to be his OW. 2
Pierre Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 and this is how it begins. Next thing you know you wil be posting I couldn't help it we fell in love...um lust... Yes you can help it. Back off.Who cares what he feels. HE IS MARRIED. She will say: "It just happened, I never looked for an affair".:laugh::laugh: 2
Author Trulight Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 I am not naive. I just couldn't believe that he was actually interested in an affair with me. I've had feelings for him for 3 years. In those 3 years I ignored him...some days I wouldn't even say hi. Sometimes I would engage in a conversation and it would be so easy and natural and it scared me. So when I left and he started to text and email me what he did it was all very confusing. I was actually sad because he's married and its not ok to move forward. He pretty much left it in my hands after I told him I felt like we were crossing a boundary. I won't contact him even though I really want to. It's easier now that we don't live in the same city. This has been a learning lesson and that I have much empathy for the people who are in affairs. The emotional toll it takes must be so overwhelming that there are almost no words to describe them...for all people involved
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 It sounds like he enjoyed the game but wasn't willing to risk evolvement with an employee. Yes, he wants an affair but that doesn't mean he wants to ride off into the sunset. You are avoiding a world of hurt. 1
CarrieT Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I really want to email him and meet with him in person just to talk and see what he truly feels. Noooooooooo!!!!!! What would it do if you knew? Would it prove anything? How could having that kind of knowledge do anything but cause more problems? You are best to walk away... 2
Pierre Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I am not naive. I just couldn't believe that he was actually interested in an affair with me. Why? Why is so hard to believe he could want something with you? 2
pteromom Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I am not naive. I just couldn't believe that he was actually interested in an affair with me. Why not? If you are willing and he's a cheater, why would he turn down a woman who is offering her body up to him? The flaw in your thinking is assuming that because he would be open to an affair, that means he is feeling the same thing YOU are feeling. You may be feeling butterflies and dizzy and romantic, and he may just be wondering what your boobs feel like. You have to remember that your feelings for him are largely based on fantasy. You don't know that much about him, so you've filled in all the blanks with positive things. You imagine he's a wonderful kisser, great in bed, able to make you feel loved and secure and happy, but in reality you don't know if any of this is true. So recognize that he is just an object you have projected your fantasies onto. When you sit around daydreaming about him, it could just as well be an actor or an old boyfriend. Just because his face is in your fantasies does not make your fantasies real. You are smart to walk away. No good could come from this. Think it through to the end. Scenario 1: you have an affair, then he cuts it off and goes back to his wife. You are left devastated, in pain, hurt, lost, alone. Scenario 2: you have an affair, and he leaves his wife for you. You now have a lifetime of dealing with angry hurt messed-up kids, a hurt vengeful ex-wife, and his whole side of the family who think you are a floozy who destroyed his marriage. Neither is an ideal situation, and not what you would choose for yourself. So why even start walking down that path? 4
Louanne Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Stay away. Affairs break your heart and leave you with nothing. 1
Author Trulight Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Thank you all for the advice. It's helping me to see clarity in the situation. I did create my own fantasy about him. Sure ive spoken with him at work and we have a lot of fun but I really don't know who he is. It's best to stay away and while it hurts because I did feel a connection I know it's for the better. It's one thing down the road if he gets divorced and wants to date and I'm single. it's another for him to be selfish and hurt his wife, children and me. I won't contact him or see him. Thank you. 3
Author Trulight Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Absolutely not waiting. I meant, if its meant to be something would bring us together if not oh well. Life goes on. But would I really want to be with a man like him who seeks other women? No. 3
Pierre Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Absolutely not waiting. I meant, if its meant to be something would bring us together if not oh well. Life goes on. But would I really want to be with a man like him who seeks other women? No. Do you realize that women that have very high self esteem would not pay married men one second of attention. These cheating men tend tom find women whom they feel are receptive to EMRs. 2
Author Trulight Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Pierre. I believe 100% what you said. It's like women with low self-esteem have a flashing light on their head. It's truly sad. I don't know why this man was after me. I feel more confident and carry myself better than ever before. Maybe he thought it was a challenge? But right when I told him that I feel like communicating with him is crossing a boundary he stopped and told me I can contact him anytime. He also somewhat backtracked and changed how he said some things. At first he said "I miss you already" then it was "I already miss working with you and joking around with you". Some men....now I'm kinda upset that he would want to drag me into his unhappiness and create turmoil in my life. 1
georgia girl Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Trulight, I have a theory about situations like yours. These crop up when unfortunately - and I think especially for women - we've been lonely for too long. We suddenly begin to compromise our standards, even if we're not doing is consciously. And someone who would never have crossed our minds before because of some big disqualifying characteristic (married, irresponsible, divorced with a whole lotta baggage... fill in your own disqualifying characteristic), becomes an eligible partner. The danger in this is that as a person, you established those disqualifying characteristics for yourself when you weren't lonely but in fact much stronger and were ready to wait for a potential partner who could meet your needs. When you become willing to sacrifice those needs, well, you put yourself in a very vulnerable situation. While I never dated anyone who was committed or married, I did date someone when I was lonely for too long who really screwed up my life for awhile. He was a huge commitment phobe and for the nearly three years we dated, I was tortured. I went through things by myself (including a hysterectomy), because it was too much pressure for him to be there for me. It really beat me down and I found myself actually making excuses FOR him about why he couldn't be there for me. When I read a lot of the posts by women struggling as an affair partner, I see that same pain and those same excuses. I have no idea how I really got the strength to walk away from that guy. There were breakups and makeups galore and one day I was just too tired to do the makeup anymore. At that point, I focused on me and really getting back to what I wanted in a partner and discounting anyone who had the disqualifying attribute of being commitment phobic. I met my husband shortly after that and because I was unwilling to compromise on my big needs - little ones I can still handle myself, thank you - I got the man I wanted on my terms. I offer this because I was you. Lonely and single. And darn it, it can feel like all the good ones are taken and at least this guy, while taken, is interested. But, he's not interested in the right way. If he was, he wouldn't even put his toe in the water until his left hand was ringless. You want the guy that can meet all of your big needs... not just 90%. Hold out for the right guy. They always come along and you'll be so glad you didn't miss your opportunity for him because you were still trying to work it out with the wrong guy. (An interesting side note to my story: I could have met my husband a few months after I met my ex-boyfriend at a time when he was showing his true colors for the first time, but I turned down the opportunity. I regret it so much, but am glad the right thing happened even if it did take an additional 3.5 years.)
Nattie Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Do you realize that women that have very high self esteem would not pay married men one second of attention. These cheating men tend tom find women whom they feel are receptive to EMRs. Sometimes Pierre... I fed into the flattery 100%, but my self esteem is right up there I'm actually a tad embarassed that I let him have me... he's very good looking, but lets just say I didn't reach my full potential. It was more that our personalities clicked, we both had this crude sarcastic sense of humor, and made each other laugh nonstop. OP, to answer your question, yes, MM is interested in starting something. You could sure have a lot of fun getting that "something" started, but fast forward down the road, statistics show that you will either end it because you're alone and hurt, OR he will end it for you because he's married. If you can resist the temptation, I'd say save yourself the drama Good luck to you!!
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