Jack_Seven Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I am a 46 year old male, and cheated on my girlfriend of 25 years (we never married but lived together monogamously) just two months ago for the first time ever. (We have two 'kids' ie, 23 and 21 not at home) Prior to all this I was very overweight but lost 35kg and basically reinvented myself as very fit and healthy. Suddenly I started getting some female attention, which I had never had before (apart from this one girlfriend) and suddenly seemingly lost control of myself.... I should add that our relationship had stagnated to the point of both of us losing interest in sex, hardly spending any time together, arguing all the time... I went onto a site for married people to have affairs (I figured a married lady would be a 'level playing field' with both of us at risk and no chance of any relationship status change for either of us), posted a profile with no intention of actively pursuing anyone, just to see if anyone bites... Someone did... a married lady (39) - we started emailing, then online chat, we met, did various sex acts but not actual intercourse... then I got caught... GF caught me chatting and asked me what was going on. I was honest and told her. She actually said she understood and even apologized to me for 'driving me to this extent'.. and even said that I should have sex with AP in order to 'know what I wanted' ! On the condition that sex once and thats it - nothing else. So I did. Twice. Then I told GF it was over with AP - no communication from now on. Fast forward to today, a month or so later. We email each other every day, sometimes talk on phone (from my work) and plan future rendezvous. I cant stop. I don't want to stop. There's no mention of 'love' between AP and I. On the positive side, I love my GF more than anything else in the world, our relationship is fantastic now, sex every day, words of love between us all the time, but I just cant stop having contact with AP! Whats wrong with me? If GF finds out then its over. That would kill me. On the other hand, AP's husband caught her chatting to 'someone' (me) but she talked her way out of it... but if she is caught then divorce is a certainty (they have two kids, 3 and 6) especially since AP's husband divorced previous wife for cheating on him. Why do we take such huge risks and continue this? Its definately an emotional and sexual affair, but no 'love' ever mentioned. We talk about everything and cant wait to read each others emails every day. i dont love AP, but cant imagine not having her there to talk to (and occassional sex). Oh, GF and AP have each others mobile numbers... GF got number from my phone and sent threatening texts to AP.. AP never responded. GF is great now, no mention of AP at all. Unless she finds out this is still going on... GF also went to an investigator and got APs full name, address, home phone number... so she could call APs husband and cause world war 3. If she finds out... With such huge risks for both of us, why do we still do it? We dont even dare mention stopping it to each other... just going to ground and confining it to email (from secret accounts) and calls me at work. How do I stop? Should I? Why cant I have both? So conflicted, feel like I'm running with scissors all the time... Am I/we pathological? You can bash if you like, I no doubt deserve it.
Archanaart Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I just don't understand how you say you love your girlfriend but yet you still are seeing the other woman. It makes no sense to me how a person can hurt someone they supposedly love. However, my concern is with the two young children who could be possibly hurt. Isn't anyone thinking about them?! List of people who will be hurt by this: yourself, your girlfriend, your children, the other woman, her husband, and their children. As well, reputations and how your children will look at you. Have a good therapist ready.
Author Jack_Seven Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 I dont want to hurt my GF. I love her dearly. AP pursued me, initiating contact, suggesting we meet... Yes I got caught up in the thrill and excitement of it all, but now its evolved into something else, deep and meaningful close connection... but not love. Or is it love but I cannot possibly admit it? I dont know. GF is a manic depressive on medication, I know thats no excuse, but for years now its been so horrible living with her, yet I love her so much... Only now, after admitting to the initial affair has she completely changed, giving me so much attention (and vice-versa) if I could stop this affair we would be living on cloud nine... APs husband is also giving her much more attention (lack of which she said was behind her decision to join the site and pursue me) since he caught her chatting to me... Is it the "someone else is giving my partner attention" shock which has caused these improvements? So if we stopped everyone would be happy. I think. Yes I must need therapy.
Archanaart Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I dont want to hurt my GF. I love her dearly. AP pursued me, initiating contact, suggesting we meet... Yes I got caught up in the thrill and excitement of it all, but now its evolved into something else, deep and meaningful close connection... but not love. Or is it love but I cannot possibly admit it? I dont know. GF is a manic depressive on medication, I know thats no excuse, but for years now its been so horrible living with her, yet I love her so much... Only now, after admitting to the initial affair has she completely changed, giving me so much attention (and vice-versa) if I could stop this affair we would be living on cloud nine... APs husband is also giving her much more attention (lack of which she said was behind her decision to join the site and pursue me) since he caught her chatting to me... Is it the "someone else is giving my partner attention" shock which has caused these improvements? So if we stopped everyone would be happy. I think. Yes I must need therapy. Well, worrying about her children is her problem. I just hope she realizes she could be ruining their lives in the long run. I understand your girlfriend is dealing with her own psychological issues but its important that you do what's best for you. I know it can be hard living with and loving someone who has a mental disorder but it should not be a reason for you to stay or feel the need to stay. I know that sounds mean but in the long run it can lead to resentment and anger. However, with that said this does not seem to be the case. When a person can feel their significant other slipping away they pick up their game and try their hardest to win back that person. It's like it's back to how it was in the beginning and the chase is on. Everyone begins to put in more effort and become more understanding and tolerant. People become comfortable with time and routine and they forget to add sparks and effort. Decide who you want to be with. and if its your girlfriend then I suggest going no contact with the other woman and focusing on your relationship with your girlfriend. By the way it seems like you're not only physically cheating on your girlfriend you're now cheating emotionally on your girlfriend by having a connection that can't keep you away from the other woman. I think you need to take a step back and reevaluate your love for your girlfriend, your relationship with her, your relationship with the other woman, and if you love the other woman. Figure it out and then maybe you'll get a better understanding. This is not any way shape or form fair to your girlfriend. She deserves the best and she deserves to be loved by a man who is not cheating on her. give her that change whether it be with you or someone else. 1
hoping2heal Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Is it possible that.. 1. You think that somehow doing what you are is making your relationship better and you fear if the affair were to end, things would go back to their former unhappy state? or 2. You want to get caught and be set free? It's kind of mind boggling that both your girlfriend, and AP's husband know you're both chatting to someone AND that your girlfriend has AP's contact info and yet that hasn't discouraged either of you. Something deeper has to be going on here if you really don't want to be exposed in total. 1
Author Jack_Seven Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Is it possible that.. 1. You think that somehow doing what you are is making your relationship better and you fear if the affair were to end, things would go back to their former unhappy state? or 2. You want to get caught and be set free? It's kind of mind boggling that both your girlfriend, and AP's husband know you're both chatting to someone AND that your girlfriend has AP's contact info and yet that hasn't discouraged either of you. Something deeper has to be going on here if you really don't want to be exposed in total. 1. No, dont have that thought at all. 2. No, definately dont want to get caught (again) AP's husband was satisfied with AP's answer, which was basically "just chatting to someone outside of our lives who has similar relationship issues as us". AP's husband did initially mention separation and divorce when he discovered chatting... but they have reconciled and all is well with them now. AP doesn't know that my girlfriend has all her contact info, just AP's mobile number. AP only has my email address and mobile number. I agree it would seem that I want to get caught given all the facts.... but I definately do not. And so far (2 weeks after affair 'ended') there have been no issues... Last indiscretion was a week ago when I took a long lunch and met AP and had sex in her car.... damn it was good.... what a bastard I am. Yes I hate myself. Shes like an addictive drug... want to quit but cant.
AbeNormal Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 "and basically reinvented myself as very fit and healthy" Not from my point of view (based upon a quick read). I'd say very unfit and unhealthy.
Author Jack_Seven Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 from a physical perspective. Yes, otherwise not. Thanks for the insightful, useful comment.
ver13 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 You tell us, no one is forcing you to continue on like, this it's your choice. In the end you are the one that will lose the most out of all this. Your relationship of some many years in the bin etc... this isn't heroin that requires detox and rehab. This is just you acting responsibly and either getting your R straight with the GF or OW you choose. Either way you lose one of them it just comes down to who is the most important to you. The dramatic "we can't stop" get's you nothing here. If a little a$$ has you wanting to leave your family just do it.
Author Jack_Seven Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Please don't bother replying to this thread any more. Have said too much already and identification is a real threat. Will not be logging in again. Thank you and goodnight.
AbeNormal Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 (edited) Jack, Take a breather. No one on this board knows you in real life. Not all responses are what you might wish for - and not all might even seem "rational" from your current perspective (again, no one knows you as you really are). Take a breather. But perhaps think about coming back - it might very well be that someone will have something to say that will help you process your situation... Sorry if my comment/post above seemed snarky or harsh. My apologies. Edited June 25, 2013 by AbeNormal
Author Jack_Seven Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 (edited) OK, couldn't resist checking back in.... Fair enough AbeNormal, point taken. A few things come to mind. 1. Since I cant talk to anyone about this whole mess, this forum seemed a good place to get some feedback 2. i did expect a lot of bashing... i know I deserve it. 3. I am somewhat sensitive and when it actually comes it does sting a lot. But nothing compared to the 'sting' if this whole thing is found out of course. 4. I really haven't had many good friends in life (in fact my GF and her paranoia years ago lost me most of my friends, as I could never go anywhere with them and they eventually gave up on me) Yes I know I'm whining but I think it does provide some context (not excuses) for my behavior. Her paranoia was always unfounded, I never cheated on her in 25 years. So this OW has become a true friend and confidante as well as a lover. We can talk about absolutely anything, I've never had that ability with anyone, including my GF. So yes its a very deep connection, but its not love. Does that change anything in the view of an outsider? Edited June 25, 2013 by Jack_Seven wrong number of points
AbeNormal Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Jack, Glad you are back! Be patient and wait for some responses. I only made it to your third bullet - because I am exhausted/wiped at the moment. But I am am very sensitive as well, so I emphasize with that. Anyway, hang around and you might get some good advice. [i am on the other side - betrayed - and am still in much pain. Much pain. But ...]
BeholdtheMan Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 On the positive side, I love my GF more than anything else in the worldLet's cut the bullsh*t here. There clearly is something in this world you love more than your GF: cheating on her with AP Whats wrong with me?You're selfish and deceptive. You lack the self-control to stop. Your incredible, heart-felt love for your GF clearly isn't sufficient motivation for you to stop cheating. Your love doesn't mean much does it? I'll be honest with you. Your relationship with your GF sounds totally fu**ed up. Have the good grace not to attempt eating and having your cake. Tell your GF if the truth. Good news is...if she leaves you, you're free to play the field with that fit body of yours
SmokeRat Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Let's cut the bullsh*t here. There clearly is something in this world you love more than your GF: cheating on her with AP You're selfish and deceptive. You lack the self-control to stop. Your incredible, heart-felt love for your GF clearly isn't sufficient motivation for you to stop cheating. Your love doesn't mean much does it? I'll be honest with you. Your relationship with your GF sounds totally fu**ed up. Have the good grace not to attempt eating and having your cake. Tell your GF if the truth. Good news is...if she leaves you, you're free to play the field with that fit body of yours THIS X 10,000,000 Emphasis on the selfish, deceptive, cowardly, dishonourable and pathetic behavior. BeholdtheMan, I think we have it all wrong brother. Seriously. Maybe this Cake Eating thing really is where it's at......
Spark1111 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Hmmm....Did you date in High School? I'm serious. Now that you are this buff guy, I think you are hell-bent to have the adolescence you never had. Attracting girls....chasing the Football Quarterback's steady. And that includes rebelling against Mommy (your GF) by sneaking around with your AP in the back of daddy's car. Of course all this forbidden, clandestine sex is blowing your sneaker's off. It IS like being 17 again, and can actually be very addicting for someone who did not date at 17. The hormones are the same and just as addicting too. But realize, it all comes at a cost to play the field while in a committed relationship. So, why not separate from your loving and trying GF? Play the field with all these women and tell her to date also. Get it out of your system, but be HONEST about it. As for your AP, that needs to stop now, unless you are looking for her H to possibly come after you with the intent of bodily harm, or he harms her, or the children suffer. 1
SmokeRat Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Spark, OR, and this is a very large OR (hence the CAPS), he could man up and stop acting like a love-struck teenager. Maturity, honour, respect, loyalty, morality and being just are things this 'man' needs to learn and adapt to. 4
carhill Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Why do we take such huge risks and continue this? Limerence surrounding sexual contact and 'talking' (connection) is something you haven't apparently experienced in a couple decades so that, combined with your emotional state reflecting your increased age, offer a powerful draw to this experience. It's part of the human experience to feel such things. Normal. That said, you have choices. How do I stop? Should I? Why cant I have both? Exposure/Disclosure, especially bi-laterally, and transparency usually work well to ending such associations. Should you stop? Well, that's a personal decision. Choices have consequences. If you're comfortable with the range of consequences you're now faced with, then proceed. Plenty of people do, as evidenced by real life anecdotes and postings on these forums. You can have both in an open relationship. That means all parties agree to polyamory by selected or all parties. You would necessarily agree, in principal, to supporting your GF/life partner in her pursuit of a lover, if she so chose. Would you like that? There are plenty of people who do. Look into it. Am I/we pathological? You can bash if you like, I no doubt deserve it. IMO, you're human and facing a life challenge. I hope you work it out in a way which is healthy for you. Good luck. 2
waterwoman Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 "How do I stop? Should I? Why cant I have both? " You can. If your gf agrees. Would she? Otherwise you can't, because it's selfish and unfair. That is also the reason why you should stop. The other reason you should stop is because the pain you will cause the GF that you say you love will be 100x worse this time. 1
aliveagain Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 My ex didn't think I would find out, key word "ex". Your standing in quicksand and by your own doing. Is everything you have worth the bit of strange on the side? You've been caught once, there's no second chance, you don't know what she knows at this point, you think your smart but then again so did my "ex". Could some of your weight loss be from the loss of your Frontal Lobe? 1
janedoe67 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I know the intensity of those affair feelings, but I very seriously doubt that it is love. I know...it feels like it is. But affairs are inherently based in selfishness, and real love is not. It is likely a very intense attraction, a very strong sense of being validated and admired, and of course lots of lust. The thing is, if you were single then none of these things would necessarily be bad. But in experiencing them you are betraying someone with whom you have had a long term commitment (which is a more accurate picture of love than a bunch of chemicals is). It isn't going to feel good to stop. If you are waiting until stopping doesn't hurt, then you will never stop. But you CAN stop. You just....stop. You block all ways to communicate. You come clean so you can be accountable. And you deal with the really terrible feelings of withdrawal because they do fade if you are serious about working on your long term relationship. Simple and easy are not the same thing. 2
HopingAgain Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 You CAN stop. You just don't WANT to. And I hope when your "girlfriend" finds out, and she will eventually, that SHE just "won't want to" with you anymore either, and leaves you.
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Why do we take such huge risks and continue this? It's probably the physical and emotional high. Its definately an emotional and sexual affair, but no 'love' ever mentioned. We talk about everything and cant wait to read each others emails every day. i dont love AP, but cant imagine not having her there to talk to (and occassional sex). This is problematic, as you're both in committed relationships with other people. AP's husband wouldn't be alright with an open relationship (based on the fact that he left his last wife for cheating), and I doubt your spouse will be open to it, either. If things are getting better with your wife (as twisted as it may seem, though I don't know how to view it, myself), you need to really think about whether you want to stay in your marriage, or not. Oh, GF and AP have each others mobile numbers... GF got number from my phone and sent threatening texts to AP.. AP never responded. GF is great now, no mention of AP at all. Unless she finds out this is still going on... GF also went to an investigator and got APs full name, address, home phone number... so she could call APs husband and cause world war 3. If she finds out... This, I think, is all the reason you need to realize the dire situation you're in. Even if your GF has been good about everything lately, she might still think about it from time-to-time. What happens when things stop being great, again? What happens the next time she's mad at you, or you two fight? She may very well do what she's threatened to do. In fact, with her having all of this information, I'm surprised things are going well...to me, that sounds like a red flag. As though you're being lulled into a false sense of security. With such huge risks for both of us, why do we still do it? We dont even dare mention stopping it to each other... just going to ground and confining it to email (from secret accounts) and calls me at work. It's hard to say why you're taking such a big risk. Perhaps the thrill is too great to the both of you-or perhaps this is what needs to happen. If/when you get caught, and she gets caught, this is all going to blow up terribly. I really think you should consider ending the affair, is your AP isn't interested in anything more coming from it. How do I stop? Should I? Why cant I have both? It really comes down to will power. You either stop, or you make the decision to come clean to your GF, and go from there. You should stop the affair, if you really want things to work out with you and your GF. Even if you wanted to leave her, you shouldn't base that desire on time with your AP. What does your AP want? You stated before neither one talks of leaving the current relationships-but there's no talk of ending the affair, either. I really don't think you'll be able to have both; at least, not forever. If your GF has already found out, or at the very least, has been suspicious, and your AP is having the same on her end-it's only a matter of time before the whole thing comes crashing down. So conflicted, feel like I'm running with scissors all the time... Am I/we pathological? You can bash if you like, I no doubt deserve it. I won't bash, since I'm having my own problems. But I do suggest making a choice, and being prepared for the consequences that follow it. Best of luck.
Recommended Posts