denxnis Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 It's been 9 months. She messaged me twice a couple of months ago, both were pointless messages... "What are you doing in my neck of the woods", "Saw you heading towards blah blah, I think the road is closed off there". I never responded, there was no point. The other day I had a dream about her, since then I couldn't get her out of my mind... I tried to refrain from checking up on her fb but I did it and she has the other guy's picture all over her page just like she did with me... I thought the roller coaster ride was over, I guess I never really got off. Anyways, I shouldn't be complaining I have way too much in my life to be thankful for, but these moments of weakness seem to define my life. That empty feeling of loneliness cannot be filled... Cheers.
Jono85 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 It's been 9 months. She messaged me twice a couple of months ago, both were pointless messages... "What are you doing in my neck of the woods", "Saw you heading towards blah blah, I think the road is closed off there". I never responded, there was no point. The other day I had a dream about her, since then I couldn't get her out of my mind... I tried to refrain from checking up on her fb but I did it and she has the other guy's picture all over her page just like she did with me... I thought the roller coaster ride was over, I guess I never really got off. Anyways, I shouldn't be complaining I have way too much in my life to be thankful for, but these moments of weakness seem to define my life. That empty feeling of loneliness cannot be filled... Cheers. i can totally relate bud, i really can. i'm nearing 6 months NC (aside from me stupidly wishing her happy bday in march, to no response..sigh) and about exactly a year now from the BU. i still think about her every single day, and i'm still in the stage where i sort of hate her, and i'm still so vulnerable when i think about her. i feel hopeless; like it'll never go away. i'm so damaged b/c of it, it sucks. it's still so mindboggling to me, a year later, that she just threw in the towel and didn't want it anymore. as a guy, when you haven't done anything to justify being dumped (cheat, lie, abuse, etc) it's pretty damn crushing to the ego. mine still is in pieces. i haven't even tried to date anyone b/c i'm too fragile right now. a f-ing year later. i know it's not her fault that my life has been screwed by her actions, but the reality of it is, my life has been a mess since our breakup. this entire year has not been a waste, but there's been so much pain, and many wasted days b/c of it. i can only blame myself, but there's obviously a part of me that feels she's sort of responsible too. she was the one trying to get me to let my guard down the entire time, as i'm a bit of a commitment phobe, and i finally did, and that's when she tossed me. like it was all just a game. anyway man, just had to vent there. at least your ex acknowledges your existence. i know that's not even a consolation really, but to have mine not even once contact me, many would say it's better that way, but to me it's the worst. like she's completely forgotten our time and i'm not even an after thought. oh well. all we can do is try and grow. that's it. i think once we've grown enough, and our confidence is more restored, it will start getting better. realistcally, what that might mean, is finding a special someone. like you, lonliness KILLS me. i just don't believe you can be as happy alone as with someone special. i don't think i'll truly heal from this until i find that special person. but i'm def not ready to look for her yet; gotta have patience and just chip away at my insecurities for a while longer. 1
Author denxnis Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 The very fact that you are able to exhibit the characteristics of that undefinable word shows the true compassion and care you posses. My friend, you cannot wallow in self-pity for there are others who posses similar characteristics and are destined to find someone such as yourself. We will not forget those we loved but we can thank them for helping us become better people, spiritually and physically.
athousandquestions Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 anyway man, just had to vent there. at least your ex acknowledges your existence. i know that's not even a consolation really, but to have mine not even once contact me, many would say it's better that way, but to me it's the worst. like she's completely forgotten our time and i'm not even an after thought. oh well. I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but: The last person I broke up with, he pleaded. He was hurt, he tried desperately to get me to talk to him, and though I replied at first, I eventually stopped. I cut him off and stopped replying so he would stop contacting me. NOT because I didn't care but because I cared about him enough to know that if I replied, if I asked how he was, he would be hopeful that we would reconcile and it would hurt him. I resisted talking to someone I had once loved, and still cared deeply about, for MONTHS because I did NOT want a relationship and I knew he needed time to heal. I knew that eventually, one day, we would talk later on down the road, when both of us had moved on and held no grudge against the other. No, we are not friends now, but I believe and still do that I did the right thing by leaving him alone and allowing him to heal. Not because I didn't care, but because I did. As someone who is now brokenhearted who has had their ex contact them repeatedly, as many on the site have, it fricking kills. If my break had been clean and he had left me alone the way I had done with my exes, I firmly believe my recovery would be more swift. It does not always help to know that they were thinking of you. Because whether they text you/contact you or not the facts are the same: - They left us - They do not want to be with us - They do not care enough to want to reconcile with us - They do not miss us enough to want us back in their lives in any meaningful way. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Hey guys. I only hope you begin to feel better soon. Have you tried therapy? I only ask because it has been an immense help to me. I have also been doing a lot of soul searching and looking at why my life is the way it is. Kind of looking beyond my BU. And I am finding out quite a bit about myself that I never knew or discovered. In a way this makes me feel better as now I have something to work on to better myself. Some goals that will really pay off with some hard work... Well, wish I had more. Good luck!!!
Jono85 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 The very fact that you are able to exhibit the characteristics of that undefinable word shows the true compassion and care you posses. My friend, you cannot wallow in self-pity for there are others who posses similar characteristics and are destined to find someone such as yourself. We will not forget those we loved but we can thank them for helping us become better people, spiritually and physically. I hear you man. I feel like I know that one day I will look back and laugh at how I was caught up so much with this ex, and how I let it get the best of me at times. I do feel like this will fade at some point. But the longer it goes, the less confidence I have in that fact and more doubt seems to creep in that I'll ever be okay from this. But, what gives me hope is there have been a couple crushes I've had over this time. They didn't end up working out, but in those moments at least, for however many days/weeks, I didn't think/dwell about the ex nearly as much, I thought about the crushes. So I know that once I actually meet someone that I click with and we start to seriously date, that the ex will be a distant memory. It's just dealing with the time between now and then. And I've tried all that stuff. Forgiveness, thinking about the positive side about everything, and it works momentarily, but I know my inner deeper self is still upset with her and can't comprehend it, so that self always trumps whatever other positive conclusions I may have came to (eg. seeing all her flaws and concluding it was a blessing I got out when I did without any divorce/kids, etc.) It's a journey though, I know I'll get to that destination at some point.
Jono85 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but: The last person I broke up with, he pleaded. He was hurt, he tried desperately to get me to talk to him, and though I replied at first, I eventually stopped. I cut him off and stopped replying so he would stop contacting me. NOT because I didn't care but because I cared about him enough to know that if I replied, if I asked how he was, he would be hopeful that we would reconcile and it would hurt him. I resisted talking to someone I had once loved, and still cared deeply about, for MONTHS because I did NOT want a relationship and I knew he needed time to heal. I knew that eventually, one day, we would talk later on down the road, when both of us had moved on and held no grudge against the other. No, we are not friends now, but I believe and still do that I did the right thing by leaving him alone and allowing him to heal. Not because I didn't care, but because I did. As someone who is now brokenhearted who has had their ex contact them repeatedly, as many on the site have, it fricking kills. If my break had been clean and he had left me alone the way I had done with my exes, I firmly believe my recovery would be more swift. It does not always help to know that they were thinking of you. Because whether they text you/contact you or not the facts are the same: - They left us - They do not want to be with us - They do not care enough to want to reconcile with us - They do not miss us enough to want us back in their lives in any meaningful way. Yeah, I totally understand that, ignoring an ex to kill their hope. I think you did the right thing. I don't think you should reach out to try and be friends with someone you did this to imo. I think he should be the one to reach out to you at some point if that's what he wants. As of this moment (which could change..) if my ex ever contacted me down the road after ignoring my 'happy bday ____ all the best' message few months ago, I'd just get even more upset. She's chosen to cut me off completely, so don't EVER try and come back into my life. That's the way I feel. So I think if you're going to do that to an ex, you stay out of their life for good unless they invite you back in.
Jono85 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Hey guys. I only hope you begin to feel better soon. Have you tried therapy? I only ask because it has been an immense help to me. I have also been doing a lot of soul searching and looking at why my life is the way it is. Kind of looking beyond my BU. And I am finding out quite a bit about myself that I never knew or discovered. In a way this makes me feel better as now I have something to work on to better myself. Some goals that will really pay off with some hard work... Well, wish I had more. Good luck!!! I've tried counselling for a bit, but that was during my last relationship. I have bouts of social anxiety in certain situations, so I went for that. But I'm probably going to see if I can get some more counselling with this issue now. You're totally right though; if I were in great mental health (ie. confident about who I am, where I am in life, etc) I know this wouldn't be affecting me the way it is. That's the side of me that knows it's not my exes fault I've had a miserable year post-breakup. That's all on me. I'm taking the steps to improve my life, and I've made some breakthroughs but still a ways to go until I feel more confident with everything. I definitely feel I know my weaknesses though, it's just a matter of continuing to step further outside my comfort zone repeatedly so I can grow. I'm glad it's working so well for you. I definitely believe that's the only way to get past these things, is to grow as a person and become a better version of yourself. Otherwise, even if you find someone, your happiness is going to be directly related to that person and how he/she makes you feel. That's what I miss the most; the way she made me feel was amazing. But the only reason I crave that, and miss it so dearly, is b/c I'm not used to feeling that way. My self-esteem has been pretty low for a number of years (basically most of my 20s) and although I've had previous girlfriends, this one was really affectionate and loving and it made me feel so amazing. But I know that I can't ever let that happen again; to rely so heavily on someone else to make me feel worthy/whole. That's why I haven't been dating, I need to become happy and content with myself, before entering into any kind of relationship again. But you're right, we should all really take a look at ourselves, reflect, figure out what we need to do and work at to become more confident people. That's the positive that comes of this. I know if I were still in the relationship I probably wouldn't be doing such a heavy assessment of who I am, and what I need to work on. I'd be content spending weekends lazing around with her.
richard9 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Jono85 you're not alone, your words could be mine! It still hurts 8 months after break up when she left me, and I too have social anxiety at times. She was so special to me and its the hardest thing. Stay strong my friend, im sure we will both make it. And perhaps someone else who we can call special will come into our lives. 1
IS IT Better late Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 But the only reason I crave that, and miss it so dearly, is b/c I'm not used to feeling that way. My self-esteem has been pretty low for a number of years (basically most of my 20s) and although I've had previous girlfriends, this one was really affectionate and loving and it made me feel so amazing. But I know that I can't ever let that happen again; Jono, I know all too well about you said above. There's something really powerful when a girl is very affectionate it makes you feel amazing. And when that is taken away from us and we're not sure when we will get that back it's really unbearable torture. When I think back about my situation it was not ideal and she was not perfect for me but the fact the she made me feel so damn good is what is I miss the most. And I crave it like an addict. I need to find my new fix! 2
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I've tried counselling for a bit, but that was during my last relationship. I have bouts of social anxiety in certain situations, so I went for that. But I'm probably going to see if I can get some more counselling with this issue now. You're totally right though; if I were in great mental health (ie. confident about who I am, where I am in life, etc) I know this wouldn't be affecting me the way it is. That's the side of me that knows it's not my exes fault I've had a miserable year post-breakup. That's all on me. I'm taking the steps to improve my life, and I've made some breakthroughs but still a ways to go until I feel more confident with everything. I definitely feel I know my weaknesses though, it's just a matter of continuing to step further outside my comfort zone repeatedly so I can grow. I'm glad it's working so well for you. I definitely believe that's the only way to get past these things, is to grow as a person and become a better version of yourself. Otherwise, even if you find someone, your happiness is going to be directly related to that person and how he/she makes you feel. That's what I miss the most; the way she made me feel was amazing. But the only reason I crave that, and miss it so dearly, is b/c I'm not used to feeling that way. My self-esteem has been pretty low for a number of years (basically most of my 20s) and although I've had previous girlfriends, this one was really affectionate and loving and it made me feel so amazing. But I know that I can't ever let that happen again; to rely so heavily on someone else to make me feel worthy/whole. That's why I haven't been dating, I need to become happy and content with myself, before entering into any kind of relationship again. But you're right, we should all really take a look at ourselves, reflect, figure out what we need to do and work at to become more confident people. That's the positive that comes of this. I know if I were still in the relationship I probably wouldn't be doing such a heavy assessment of who I am, and what I need to work on. I'd be content spending weekends lazing around with her. Nice work. Sounds like you have a solid plan in place. Just know that you are not alone. This has been traumatic for me as well. One book I have found particularly insightful is "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. It's funny, because it mirrors the things my therapist and I have been discussing. Issues from early childhood… Also, "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. This one is pretty deep, but very insightful as well… Get it on MP3 if ya can. Much easier to listen to than read. LOL!! Good luck and hang in there!!!
Jono85 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Nice work. Sounds like you have a solid plan in place. Just know that you are not alone. This has been traumatic for me as well. One book I have found particularly insightful is "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. It's funny, because it mirrors the things my therapist and I have been discussing. Issues from early childhood… Also, "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. This one is pretty deep, but very insightful as well… Get it on MP3 if ya can. Much easier to listen to than read. LOL!! Good luck and hang in there!!! Yeah I've read The Power of Now; I thought it was okay, but maybe a bit unrealistic. I'll admit I didn't really put a ton of effort into trying to practise what it preached, but I remember thinking that in theory it all made sense, but to put into practise seemed like a fantasy. Again though, I might give it another shot, or the MP3 instead like you suggested lol. I'll take a look about the Toxic Parents book, thanks.
BigTuna Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I can relate to everyone's words in this thread massively. It's insane to think it's nearly been 7 months post-BU. There are days when I feel like I'm better but then one knock comes along and it's like a smash in the face, because I haven't that partner anymore that would help soften the blow. The easy solution would be to get a new gf, but it's something I can not do. Someone said it perfectly, that without any self-esteem and personal drive you're just gonna grind your partner down because they turn into your world. I desperately dont want another relationship like that. Ever since I've been single I've threw myself into my career, achieved personal goals (driving test, car) and have ventured out of my comfort zone. But then a knock to your confidence comes along, mine in particular was my manager being a total prick, and you're left reeling missing your other half. It was me & her against the world now it's just me. It can be a long road to recovery.
Jono85 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I can relate to everyone's words in this thread massively. It's insane to think it's nearly been 7 months post-BU. There are days when I feel like I'm better but then one knock comes along and it's like a smash in the face, because I haven't that partner anymore that would help soften the blow. The easy solution would be to get a new gf, but it's something I can not do. Someone said it perfectly, that without any self-esteem and personal drive you're just gonna grind your partner down because they turn into your world. I desperately dont want another relationship like that. Ever since I've been single I've threw myself into my career, achieved personal goals (driving test, car) and have ventured out of my comfort zone. But then a knock to your confidence comes along, mine in particular was my manager being a total prick, and you're left reeling missing your other half. It was me & her against the world now it's just me. It can be a long road to recovery. Yeah man, that's just it. The roller-coaster is crazyyy. I feel like I know it so well now, I no longer get too excited when I have a great week where I'm laughing to myself thinking "I can't believe I pined for my ex for so long! It's really nothing" etc. etc. I've been through great stretches like that, of a week, two weeks, not too much longer than a few weeks though. And then I come crashing down one day. You never know when it's going to hit you; sometimes in the most unexpected ways (maybe out with family watching a movie or something). And there's still so many things I just won't do (eg. cook a couple meals that were favourites to cook together with the ex, listen to music we would always listen to, esp when 'intimate', go anywhere close to where she lives, etc etc) lol. Just know it could ruin my mood, ah well. I guess the positive is, that personally anyway, my weak stretches don't seem to last nearly as long as they used to, and don't come as often. Baby steps. Glad you're taking the mature approach as well, and getting your sh*t together. The manager stuff isn't even a reflection on you whatsoever, try not to take that personally. There's lots of a**holes in this world, or at the very least people going through their own sh*t and taking it out on others. Keep up the hard work. If there's one thing I can say that happens 90+% of the time in my life anyway, is that good things always follow hard work. I can't say I've busted my a** even a fraction amount of the time I should have, and that's something I'm working on, but every time I do, I always see positive results. There really is no substitute. Keep it going! 1
BigTuna Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Yeah man, that's just it. The roller-coaster is crazyyy. I feel like I know it so well now, I no longer get too excited when I have a great week where I'm laughing to myself thinking "I can't believe I pined for my ex for so long! It's really nothing" etc. etc. I've been through great stretches like that, of a week, two weeks, not too much longer than a few weeks though. And then I come crashing down one day. You never know when it's going to hit you; sometimes in the most unexpected ways (maybe out with family watching a movie or something). And there's still so many things I just won't do (eg. cook a couple meals that were favourites to cook together with the ex, listen to music we would always listen to, esp when 'intimate', go anywhere close to where she lives, etc etc) lol. Just know it could ruin my mood, ah well. I guess the positive is, that personally anyway, my weak stretches don't seem to last nearly as long as they used to, and don't come as often. Baby steps. Glad you're taking the mature approach as well, and getting your sh*t together. The manager stuff isn't even a reflection on you whatsoever, try not to take that personally. There's lots of a**holes in this world, or at the very least people going through their own sh*t and taking it out on others. Keep up the hard work. If there's one thing I can say that happens 90+% of the time in my life anyway, is that good things always follow hard work. I can't say I've busted my a** even a fraction amount of the time I should have, and that's something I'm working on, but every time I do, I always see positive results. There really is no substitute. Keep it going! I'm exactly the same mate. This particular incident with my manager is that he made a joke about "her" (we're friends as well as colleagues) but I interpreted it quite maliciously. For literally the past few days I've just been moping about because of it. Sometimes I feel like I need a completely clean break from everything I know because everyone knows the fine details about what happened. You really have to do everything for yourself, because some people knowingly or unknowingly will knock you down. So yeah, I'm maybe still fighting for complete indifference. Her memory can still move me quite a bit. But ya'kno, most of the time I'm in a fighting mood. Rolling with the punches so to speak. For a good portion of my old relationship I was on anti-depressants (none of her doing, & I like to think they didn't affect the relationship?) but I refuse to go back on them. Which is ironic because the past 6 months have been the toughest of my life! But it's all toward making me a stronger character. That's not to say I haven't leaned on anything, a couple of months back I was boozing by myself far too often, but I've kicked it. But yeah, Jono, and the others in this thread, I wish you all the best I reckon we'll all get there! I think a bloke with some sensitivity & a bit of depth is a catch, right?! haha
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