scorpio1978 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 So, after three weeks of NC, I had this feeling of wanting to invite my ex out for dinner. I can't explain it, but I have never felt more sure about something like I was about the decision to reach out. I had been battling the urge for weeks but on a whim, I actually had an amazing calm come over me, which was very new since I was always nervous around him and I went for it. I shot him a text, asking him out for dinner to his favorite place since I was craving that cuisine too and thought he might like to join. I told him if he wasn't comfortable, I understood and to have a nice day. He immediately responded with "that sounds amazing". Any other time, I wouldn't get a text for a few hours. For those who don't know my story, he's fresh out of a marriage. She left 7 months ago and we started dating about a month before the divorce was final. It finalized the week I broke up with him. I know, I am a jerk. I started to feel him pulling away about a week before I ended it, which made me push a little more. I ended it via text when I got the vibe he wasn't interested anymore and he told my co-worker that he thought everything was going well, but that he had a lot going on (obviously) I came across pushy and it was a red flag. I never dated anyone in this situation before, so my bad for not being patient and not communicating how I thought things were going or being understanding that he might still be having a bit of a hard time. Anyway, it's been pretty rough since he works in close proximity to me and I have been doing well with NC, but just felt the need to reach out for some reason. I am really glad I did. The ice was broken since we weren't speaking to each other previously and I will be honest, I was excited to see him. He could have ignored me or said no, you know? I picked the day and told him to pick the time. He used to be a last minute kind of guy, but solidified plans very early, which is new too. I picked him up and got the biggest smile and a smooch on the lips from him, which I wasn't expecting. We had an amazing dinner and for the first time, I felt like I could be myself around him. We joked, laughed, hi-fived and really enjoyed ourselves. The conversation flowed and he told me how happy he was. Maybe it was the food. There was no mention of the relationship, though I did tell him I missed hanging with him and left it at that. At the end of the date, he put his hand on the small of my back as we walked out of the restaurant and had his hand on my leg the entire time I drove like he used to when we were dating. I dropped him off and he grabbed my belt loop, pulled me close, and kissed me very passionately for several minutes actually. It was spectacular. Hands cupped around my face very gently, running his fingers through my hair, etc. There was no mention of going inside his place, so I know he wasn't trying to get laid. I wouldn't have anyway. I am not sure where to go from here really. I don't get the vibe that I was "friend-zoned", so that's good. Are we getting a second chance here or getting ahead of myself? I have vowed that if there is any chance at reconciling and starting fresh that I would not push, I would not drop lunch off at his office multiple times a week, I would not sleep with him until I was comfortable again (I think I rushed that too early on), and I would not get bent out of shape if I don't hear from him for a day or two. I know he is not dating anyone else and neither am I, though I am thinking about it. He is a simple guy- loves to fish, doesn't need drama, and he probably still has a lot of feelings to work out from his divorce, but I would like to see where this goes. What do I do now? Wait for him to make the next move and contact? Does this seem like a date or just a friendly dinner? I don't make out with my friends, so I am not sure. I am not going to wait around, but I would be lying if I said I didn't think about getting back together.
athousandquestions Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 You broke things off with him, right? I think it's obvious he wants to reconcile. You sound like the unsure one. I would take it slow, text him in a few days and tell him you had a good time. Ask him how he feels about it. See if he's interested in reconciling. You ended things so it's on you! 2
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 You broke things off with him, right? I think it's obvious he wants to reconcile. You sound like the unsure one. I would take it slow, text him in a few days and tell him you had a good time. Ask him how he feels about it. See if he's interested in reconciling. You ended things so it's on you! I felt like I was almost forced to end things because he was pulling away big time, but as I stepped back, I realized that I had a whole bunch of assumptions and was acting really sensitive and kinda "needy". I adored him and felt like things were perhaps a little more serious than they were. I met his family pretty early on, he invited me on a trip, etc. so when he pulled away, I decided to end it instead of getting hurt. Bad decision. I shouldn't have pushed. I know now not to do that. I am definitely into reconciling but I am terrified of messing up. I will see how things go in a few days. SLOW is the operative word here. Thanks for your input. I appreciate your time 1
StrongLass Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 You already partly answered your own question. That wasn't a friendly meetup, that was a DATE. Who the he11 makes out with friends? Since you two haven't officially talked about getting back together, treat him as you would any other man you're dating. If you're serious about not wanting to "wait around" then start dating other men. It sounds like you shouldn't really bring up any "let's get back together" discussion right now since even though you haven't been dating anyone you've been "thinking about it" which implies that you're not ready to commit to something steady again with him. If you DO want to commit to him be sure of yourself. Being on again/off again is awful (trust me -_-) If he had as much fun as you say he did he'll probably call you up very soon. Just be sure to keep things from getting hot n heavy too quickly again.
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 You already partly answered your own question. That wasn't a friendly meetup, that was a DATE. Who the he11 makes out with friends? Since you two haven't officially talked about getting back together, treat him as you would any other man you're dating. If you're serious about not wanting to "wait around" then start dating other men. It sounds like you shouldn't really bring up any "let's get back together" discussion right now since even though you haven't been dating anyone you've been "thinking about it" which implies that you're not ready to commit to something steady again with him. If you DO want to commit to him be sure of yourself. Being on again/off again is awful (trust me -_-) If he had as much fun as you say he did he'll probably call you up very soon. Just be sure to keep things from getting hot n heavy too quickly again. I am definitely 100% into reconciling. I thought about dating other people because perhaps it would take my mind off of him a little? I am just thinking of everything possible not to come on too strong again and to try and occupy my time. Bad idea? I took these last several weeks to really take a step back and figure out what I am doing, what I want, and how I should and should not behave. I have some work to do on myself, but I felt so comfortable with him last night that I really felt good about stuff. I think it's a blessing that he even said yes because he straight up ignored me for quite a while and gave my co-worker the impression that he was finished with me. Who knows? This might be nothing. I love making out with people. Maybe he just felt like smooching. But, it could really be the start of something good. I am hoping for the latter. Thanks so much!
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 From everything you said about your dinner with him, I'd say he's interested in picking things up again between you. Still, take it slower this time around; it's great that you realized your errors from before (as well meaning as you had been), and that you're making a conscious effort to avoid the "needy" behaviour from before. Give it some time-maybe a few more dinners or hang outs-and ask him what he's feeling or thinking when it comes to the two of you. Make sure he knows you're asking in the interest of making sure there are no misunderstandings. If he confirms what your dinner with him looked like, then I'd say go for it! I wish you luck!
Simon Phoenix Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Has he corrected whatever caused you to break up with him in the first place? I mean, it's great that the date went well, but if that hasn't been corrected, you are going to be right back where you were before. That's what you need to determine. I almost think you went back to this because you were lonely and missing him and nothing has been solved. If it has, then you have a shot to make this work. If not, just a big waste of time and emotion. Not trying to be a Debbie Downer, just giving you stuff you need to consider.
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Simon, It's a little hard to tell, as it has only been 2 days. He may still have a road of recovery form the divorce, as it really knocked him on his butt and only he can help himself with that. If that's the case, I have no choice but to hang in there and see what happens or walk away. I already walked away and it didn't feel like the right decision. I don't feel like it was loneliness, as I have had plenty of suitors, it just felt wrong not being with him if that makes sense. I am not going to reach out as much as I did in the past. he has a lot of trips coming up for his hobby and I don't want to interfere with that, but at the same time, I will need to get myself into a position where I can evaluate the relationship a little better and it's hard to do that when he haven't spoken since the date. I am trying to break behaviors that he didn't like and I realize were too forceful such as calling a lot, etc., but at the end of the day, I need to be happy and need to be myself, so we will see where this goes, if anywhere. There was no planning of hanging out again, so it's hard to gauge You do bring up a very valid point though and it's something for me to consider, so thank you! 2
inaya42 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 scorpio! i am so happy for you. your evening sounds lovely. it took a lot of courage for you to initiate the date and for you to remain lovely, gracious, and open throughout. did you and your ex/potential beau discuss the relationship at all: what went wrong, what you would like going forward? i do think a bit of optimism and a bit of caution are advised here. this man likes you! he always has, and this was never in question. the only question is whether he has it in him or not to be in a relationship with you. this is not likely something he even knows yet. and even with a slow and deliberate courtship, emotional unavailability has a way of popping up and ruining things. i am a scorpio too, and the theme for this year is emotional independence. even as you explore the potential of a reconciliation, please remember to keep your self-esteem solid and separate from anything going on with this guy. you have given him the sweetest opening; it is now up to him to build the relationship -- let him. good luck!
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 scorpio! i am so happy for you. your evening sounds lovely. it took a lot of courage for you to initiate the date and for you to remain lovely, gracious, and open throughout. did you and your ex/potential beau discuss the relationship at all: what went wrong, what you would like going forward? i do think a bit of optimism and a bit of caution are advised here. this man likes you! he always has, and this was never in question. the only question is whether he has it in him or not to be in a relationship with you. this is not likely something he even knows yet. and even with a slow and deliberate courtship, emotional unavailability has a way of popping up and ruining things. i am a scorpio too, and the theme for this year is emotional independence. even as you explore the potential of a reconciliation, please remember to keep your self-esteem solid and separate from anything going on with this guy. you have given him the sweetest opening; it is now up to him to build the relationship -- let him. good luck! Aww, thank you for the kind words and encouragement! We didn't talk about the relationship at all. I didn't want to bring him up and ruin the good vibe and he didn't bring it up either. I know he doesn't want the type of relationship where he has to call every day. He just isn't in that mind set right now and I don't want to come across as needy like last time, so part of that meant that I didn't want to push it. I will when I feel the time is right. I apologized previously for my overbearing behavior and told him I missed hanging out with him, thanking him for coming to dinner but I focused on how much fun we were having. I am cautiously optimistic. He may come around, he may not. I am not going to be the first to initiate further contact this time. He needs to do some work too. I think if anything, it will be regaining trust and comfort again at a snails pace. He is in the military and will be deploying in 6 months so ideally, this timing could not suck more. I plan on sticking around through that as long as I am wanted. There is something about being away that gives clarity to a situation. I am hoping to continue building even through that but there is only so much I can do. The rest is on him. Thanks again though. Fingers crossed!!
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 I have to say that as great as the dinner was, I am having a hard time with the thought of dating him this close to his divorce. I have been hearing horror stories about being the "rebound", which I cannot say for sure is the real story here. I know he needs time and I am going to give it to him, but I am not sure I know exactly what that means. Not text or call at all? Let him come to me? That's what I am thinking, but I have to admit, I really want this one to stick. There were a lot of mistakes made the first time by me and some by him, but I have had time to process that and think about what I need to do this time if given another chance. I don't know that I even have. We had a great dinner and a really amazing goodbye, but like I said, no plans yet to meet up again, not calls or texts by him yet. It's only been 2 days, I am going to try to be more patient since I was so bad at that last time, but I am wondering if there are any pointers on dating a man fresh out of a marriage other than "don't do it". I feel like I may have already messed this up the first time. We already have been intimate, already had a break-up, and he already got a taste of how I can be needy. How do I recover from that? I suppose all could be forgotten, especially since we had such an amazing time the other night, but it's really a sticky situation.
pasteurization Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Damn, Scorpio-- I got a little jealous reading about the hot and heavy date there... Some advice from a post divorce guy: I was in an insane dating frenzy for four full years after my divorce. I literally went out and picked up a girl the first night after I left my ex-wife's house, and didn't stop until I realized I was driving myself crazy and treating people really badly. I would act with some caution if he's only been out of the marriage seven months. Go really slow and make him work for it. You don't want to be in a situation where you get in fast and deep, and have him pull away, then repeat that process again and again. I was there and it's fun for nobody. When it gets further along, if he starts making comments like "I'm not ready for a full relationship yet", or other such noncommittal stuff, go NC immediately. If he's serious about you, it will snap his head quickly back in the right direction. Ok, enough jaded commentary for now-- hope that helps some, and good luck Scorpio! 1
Author scorpio1978 Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 Big help, pasteurization! I will definitely do that . I haven't heard from him, but it's no big deal yet. I don't expect to really, but it would be nice. The "old" me would have been irritated, annoyed, upset, whatever. I know he needs his space. He doesn't go out much at all, maybe once a month with his guy friends, so thankfully, this means to me that he isn't out running around. When I asked him what he has been up to, he literally has been tending to his fishing hobby every day. He might not have reached the point where he wants to date a bunch of people too, so I am looking out for that. All in all, he is a great guy and I need to give him his space. If he doesn't reach out even after this past date, then I have my answer. If nothing else, I am happy we had an opportunity to end things on a better note than before, but your advice was spot on Thank you!!
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