musicallady Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I've been with my husband 9 years, married 3. He's in service and a year ago, upon return from a deployment, he forced me to do things sexually. Twice. I was so ashamed and frankly had no physical proof though he was rough, not 'violent' - soi didnt go to police. we live on base. I doubted anyone, especially military cops, would believe me. I didn't want to risk angering him. I've tried therapy, medication, many things. Nothing has made it better. when he is home, I'm constantly anxious, so afraid to go to bed that I don't sleep. Nightmares constantly. I want a divorce, and I want to file in our home of record state - no legal separation needed and my fears of his reaction being violent make me want to be close to family I can depend on. But it would mean our toddler would have to travel to the bordering state where he is based for visitation. Idk how I would financially or realistically manage that. I'm worried most for my child. If not for him, I would have left already. I've been trying to live with it for his sake but I can't live that way. It's survival, not living. Please help.
coaches24 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I've been with my husband 9 years, married 3. He's in service and a year ago, upon return from a deployment, he forced me to do things sexually. Twice. I was so ashamed and frankly had no physical proof though he was rough, not 'violent' - soi didnt go to police. we live on base. I doubted anyone, especially military cops, would believe me. I didn't want to risk angering him. I've tried therapy, medication, many things. Nothing has made it better. when he is home, I'm constantly anxious, so afraid to go to bed that I don't sleep. Nightmares constantly. I want a divorce, and I want to file in our home of record state - no legal separation needed and my fears of his reaction being violent make me want to be close to family I can depend on. But it would mean our toddler would have to travel to the bordering state where he is based for visitation. Idk how I would financially or realistically manage that. I'm worried most for my child. If not for him, I would have left already. I've been trying to live with it for his sake but I can't live that way. It's survival, not living. Please help. First step is to get out. Figure out the rest after, but if its as bad as you say then the number one priority is to get away ASAP. Whatever other fears you have (especially money matters) take a back seat. The only worry I would have is taking you're child across state lines. Contacting a lawyer to find out the laws for that might be a good idea as well.
Steen719 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I am so sorry you are going through this. I am not familiar enough with the military protocol to know this, but if you go to the chaplain's service or family services, do they have a duty to keep your discussions confidential? If so, go right away to get their perspective. You also need to see an attorney about what your rights are and what you can do about moving, etc. Does your H know you want a divorce? Does he know what your behavior is related to? Does he feel bad about what happened? Have you told your family?
Author musicallady Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 I saw a lawyer last summer, and as long as we have our place of residence for six months in the home state, I can file there, so there's no worry about taking him across state lines on that front. We are currently doing so as he is deployed - making it to the six month deadline. That's why I'm so worried about being able to transport my son back and forth between the two states for visitation when it comes to that... :/ I do have conversations with him printing out of him admitting what he did, though he has never felt it was wrong to do. I tried to get past it for my child, to move on, and I've ended up with PTSD and been told by my therapist that I've completely mentally shut down, to the point where being there with him is a constant state of dissociation..
TaraMaiden Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Contact your family. Get out of that house and go stay with them. You can worry about visitation and access, later. It can be supervised, but you don't have to see him. Call your folks. Get someone to come and get you, and get out, NOW. First get to a safe place. THEN, plan.
Author musicallady Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 He is currently out of the county for work, and I've been in our home state for six months (as of the end of this month) with my parents and my son. Legally, in this state, as long as our place of residence is within the state for six months, I can file. But I just want to know what to expect for my son... if not for him, I would have already left. Over a year ago. I'm just so worried about transporting him back and forth between states and being able to afford that and care for him as well, afford a place, things like that. I know I should try my best to get us into our own place before I file, so that looks a bit better in court...(I can't see us living with my parents, even to try to save up for a place for he and I would be favorable toward me getting primary custody...?) I don't want to take all rights from him. He's never hurt our son, aside from not really paying much attention to him alot of times. Never physically hurt him. I want my son to have his father in his life. I just can't deal with living with him, being married to him after what happened.
Balzac Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 From my read of your statements you're more worried about money and complying w rules of a divorce that you clearly don't understand. If safety and your mental health are priority #1, forget the rest. Maybe it is the money??
TaraMaiden Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 He is currently out of the county for work, and I've been in our home state for six months (as of the end of this month) with my parents and my son. Legally, in this state, as long as our place of residence is within the state for six months, I can file. But I just want to know what to expect for my son... if not for him, I would have already left. Over a year ago. Seek legal advice form someone. Some Law firms give "The first half hour FOC!" so see if you can find one who will give tou that offer. Some Law Univeristes (Or UNiversities who have law as a legitimate course,) offer Pro-Bono 'out-of-hours' advice form students. But don't be put off. These students are monitored, and all advice is bona fide and cheked to ensure accuracy... I'm just so worried about transporting him back and forth between states and being able to afford that and care for him as well, afford a place, things like that. You do realise your H will be obliged to pay maintenance and support for his son - which will include any travelling expenses for him? I know I should try my best to get us into our own place before I file, so that looks a bit better in court...(I can't see us living with my parents, even to try to save up for a place for he and I would be favorable toward me getting primary custody...?) I think that's a given, as your H is a soldier and deployment would be on the card at unpredictable times. If he were to file for custody (even jointly) he would have to make allowances for the times he would not be available to have your son for any length of time, and get a paid child-minder - which would be ridiculous....Besides, I doubt he would push for primary custody in view of what you go on to say.... I don't want to take all rights from him. He's never hurt our son, aside from not really paying much attention to him alot of times. Never physically hurt him. I want my son to have his father in his life. If he's habitually inattentive (and I'm not saying neglectful, but if he's not 'paternal') although initially he may make a big thing of missing his son, in time, his attention span may wane, and he may pay even less attention to him. Be prepared for this.... I may well be wrong, but if he isn't too bothered when his son is freely available to spend time with and play with, it doesn't, on the face of it, sound as if he will suddenly become the doting devoted father overnight.... I just can't deal with living with him, being married to him after what happened. You don't elaborate on what happened, but if anything happened that went against your will or cooperation, then no, there's nothing that says you have to endure that. Even when married to the guy.
stillafool Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Wow! My mind is swirling wondering what that sex act could have been. OP I'm so sorry for what you are going through. If you fear for your safety you must leave. Can you get a job or do you have one?
TaraMaiden Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 (Excuse all the above typos. I was sending from my phone. The text was so small....!)
SoleMate Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Please, get help from a victim advocate NOW. Do NOT let your H see this forum discussion. You are at HIGHEST risk if he suspects you are leaving. There is help, you will be believed, what your H has done is unacceptable. BTW, it is well established in case law, at least in my state, that violence toward the mother creates a legal presumption of harm to the child. Look at it from a child's perspective...do you want to live in a home where Mommy gets beaten up or harmed? No you don't, it can leave severe psychological scars even if H never lifts a finger directly against the child. 1
2sure Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 If he doesn't show interest in his son, chances are good that he will not muster up the ambition to force visitation long term.
Xinreeki Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 She's in no danger at all from her husband. She already considered going to the police, she knows of her options, but she can't because her husband didn't do anything wrong. She had voluntary consensual marital sex with him, twice, reluctantly, but he certainly didn't "force" her to do so against her will. There was no "violence toward the mother" so what presumption of harm could you possibly be talking about? Mommy gets beaten up or harmed? You see the OP's manipulation seems to work on receptive befuddled minds who want to believe that men are bad and women can do no wrong. The irony... it burns!! Can't you see, that you are doing the exact SAME thing, only in reverse!? I.e. You seem to believe that all women are bad and all men can do no wrong... And you have "interpreted" each of the OP's statements through your own distorted view of relationships and women. Only the OP and her husband knows what happened between them. Yes it may have been consensual, but if she is scared and uncomfortable in the relationship, she has every right to leave him so she can feel safe. Why are you so mistrusting? It's really scary... *Hides in bag*
Steen719 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 The irony... it burns!! Can't you see, that you are doing the exact SAME thing, only in reverse!? I.e. You seem to believe that all women are bad and all men can do no wrong... And you have "interpreted" each of the OP's statements through your own distorted view of relationships and women. Only the OP and her husband knows what happened between them. Yes it may have been consensual, but if she is scared and uncomfortable in the relationship, she has every right to leave him so she can feel safe. Why are you so mistrusting? It's really scary... *Hides in bag* Good God, man, don't feed him!
CC12 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 OP, I hope you didn't read anything Harve posted, and if you did, please completely erase every bit of it from your memory. Everything he said was nonsense. I think you should go see your lawyer again. He/she can give you a better idea of what to expect regarding visitation arrangements. It seems like that's the thing you're most anxious about, and maybe if you have more info, you'll find it easier to get the ball rolling on divorce. I hope you get the help that you need.
Xinreeki Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Good God, man, don't feed him! Ok, I won't anymore. You're right, its not worth the time! To the OP, I hope you manage to find a way out of this relationship and feel safe again. Life is too short to live in fear. *Hugs* 1
Emilia Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Translation: I've been having an affair while my husband was deployed. My husband doesn't know about it. You always post the same thing over and over again on every thread. 1
Recommended Posts