Bunnyrabbit Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I need your advice or for you to share your stories because I feel like I can't take this pain anymore. You've probably read all my other threads so you know what's going on. How do you get through divorce when you still have feelings for someone? When you want to stay with someone in your heart but know in your head that it's not working and never will. How do you deal with the pain? I've been crying for weeks and I can't stop let alone get anything done. I am so depressed it scares me. Why can't I stop thinking about the good things when there were so many bad things too? How was it for you?
Steen719 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Bunny...I left my XH when I still cared for him and I cried a river over it. I was unwilling to live with his infidelity and behavior. I would tell my s-i-l on the phone or email that I was so tired of crying and feeling sad and she would say to cry and get it out...it is a process....crying is cathartic and she was right. I cried daily and sometimes I found myself sobbing. I don't cry much anymore - just every now and then. I feel so much better It has been a journey, a process, but I persevered. Sadly, my XH has not fared as well and is now crying his own river. You will feel better with time. I cried when I had to. I walked the dogs a lot and at first, I went out when anyone asked (girl friends, I mean), even doing things I didn't really want to, but it did make me feel better. Give it time and realize that your pain will lessen. It feels like it will never end, but it does slowly get better. Keep your chin up and keep going. Hugs to you.
WreckedDan Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Bunny, Don't know if you have read my stuff on here but let me tell you, this is without a doubt the worst pain I have ever felt... They say it gets better, it sorta does, I'm 3 months in and it's not so much better as less in my face. Honestly I woukd sugest seeing an MD about getting something to take the edge of the really bad times. Crying is really good, I still do almost daily, thoigh I've had a few where I didn't and it was actually kinda nice. But, the next day it seemed even harder. Though that too seems to fade some. My wife left me for a "new life" just so happened she had a dbag waiting in the wings... that hurts like a gun shot. Especially when her "new life" sucks and the dbag looks like Honey Boo Boo. Try not to think about tomorrow. Do what you can today. When you can do nothing, do nothing. Cry, and when you stop crying, grab a snack or some juice/water and find something super simple to do like watch a TV show. With that I suggest something you have never seen before, check netflix or hulu and pick something at random so there are no reminders. Also when you have any spare energy, clean something. It's cathardic you mind sees your actions and starts working on cleaning itself out too. Really hope that helps, *hug* Dan
LIFE.GOES.wrONg Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 (edited) Bunny, You're holding on to a tree during a tsunami and asking how to stop the sea from rising. The answer of course is, you can't. All you can do is hold on and trust that the sea will recede. I am three months in. I've been there. I don't cry as much or as hard these days. Sometimes I still wish I could just to be able to vomit it all out... empty myself completely. Feel it Bunny, its real pain. It's proof that you're a human being. There are two things that have kept me moving forward. One is the absolute strictest no contact rule. I never reach out to my wife and I rarely respond to her unless it's about our kids. All my communications are over email - not even text - too immediate. Too personal for me right now. Second is, try and be grateful. It sound weird but gratitude - trying to be thankful for what you have, even in this situation - is like a rope that helps secure you to that tree. I have two great, healthy kids I love more than the world because of wife. I am not battling cancer or paralyzed from the neck down. Many people in this world are and they would trade placed with you in a heartbeat, even if it is a broken heartbeat right now. Just hold on Bunny. Know you're not alone and know that what you're feeling is exactly what you're supposed to be feeling. Edited June 25, 2013 by LIFE.GOES.wrONg
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 and thank you for sharing! Dan, that is exactly my life right now. You described it on point with drinking a juice infront of the TV in search for something that doesn't remind you of your life together. My mind is playing tricks on me because when we were together I used to think of things I didn't like about him and that I tried to make myself ok with. Until I got to the point of not being able to betray myself anymore....or so I thought. Now we're here and all I think about is the good things. I can't really look back and wish things would have been different but I can look back and wish I would have done a few things different. But I don't hear him say that about himself but he puts all blame on me and take no responsibility. He recently asked me if I wanted to get together again. I was really more shocked over his question and I think he misunderstood that like I was thinking. He then continued to say how I need to change and do this and that. I'm left thinking "where is HIS change in all this?" But it's useless to even go there at this point if he doesn't even acknowledge that he had some responsibility in all this. Then he can't change it. I can already at least realize I have to learn how to communicate better instead of keeping it all inside. But my reason for that was that I was afraid of his reaction so it was justified. What makes this harder is that we have to talk to get out of this together because of practical issues. He doesn't want to respect my wish to only text or email but wants to keep on talking which makes it harder for me. I was very honest with him today and asked him about how other people move on so fast and forget about all the years you were together. I can't believe how much the other person is part of your life. I can for instance sit on the couch and feel like him because I sit a certain way or the way I tilt my head in my hand and little things like that throughout the day which makes me wonder even more about how other people do it. I keep thinking of the little simple things in life and how I miss those and it's like a knife in my heart. How does he not think of me in his daily life? He said he does and that he doesn't look at this as the end but that we might come together one day again. I can't think like that. As hard as this is I can't ignore how the Universe seems to want us to go our separate ways maybe to learn lessons both of us? Did you ever feel like that? I've had two different Mediums telling me that we our marriage is done and that I'm supposed to start loving myself more and find my true purpose in life and stop asking for his love. How do I just ignore that? I'm very much a seeker and believe everything happens for a reason-even though I may not see the reason right now. But I never knew it would hurt as much and that makes me doubt everything as I'm also realizing how codependant I am. Although I can't doubt what life is trying to tell me. I feel like I've been given signs that I've ignored for so long and also little "gifts" in opportunites as soon as I got closer to action. Now when I'm stuck in this and being ambivalent and so sad nothing is happening and I feel so alone and scared. Your words encouraged me and help me along the way. Please, tell me if you have gotten any signs or think that these things DOES happen for a reason??
WreckedDan Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Bunny, I yoo went through a short phase where I thought I was serioisly codependant... it was the only thing I could think of to explain how I made mistakes. Now, I don't really think that so much. What we had was a two way street and that is what a marriage is supposed to be. But when one person detaches like that and leaves you feelong so completely empty it kicks your selfesteem in the balls (or the VJJ as the case may be) I'm not saying that we aren't I'm just saying that labling yourself as less of anything isn't all that helpfull, it focuses in on you in anunhealthy way. You are who you are. Our spouses made a decition based on who they are. They will internally try to find blame in us to justify their rediculous decition. DDon't listen to it. Don't ignore it either... if you can let it fule some anger from their bad behaviour, let it. It can strengthen your resolve to heal and emotionally distance you from them. I will say this though regarding life offerings. My wife told me she was ready to leave me 3 years ago... 3 years and I had no freaking clue. But, about 3 years ago, I was getting hit on at work by an amazing woman. I totally shut it out as I was completely devoted to my wife... so maybe life was trying to offer me a way out... no clue really. But I will certianly keep my eyes open in the future. I never would have cheated, but maybe if I had been more aware then I might have looked deeper and started a dialogue with my wife sooner and saved things or made the break when it would have been far more mutually acceptable? Kinda rambling in my head today, Dan
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