Lovezen_30 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I have always been always to suss out a player - until now. So, guys, I need your advice. I have known this guy for about 8 months, but we've only grown closer lately (we were with other people when we first met, though a connection was always there). He is a very confident guy - and very attractive - if we enter a room together, more often than not women of all ages will give him the once over! It's a bit intimidating... Aside from this, he is very intelligent, funny and seems to care about me. He calls me every few days and we've been dating for about a month. However, it was only recently that we kissed for the first time (I wanted to go slow to avoid making him a rebound). Soon after he expressed that he'd like me to meet his friends, said he wanted to cook a meal for me etc, and I felt it was all a bit too much too soon - which I told him. At this point he said he was happy to wait until I felt ready as he just enjoys spending time with me 'whatever we're doing' . Things haven't slowed much though. Last time I saw him I will admit I kissed him first (he initiated kissing me last time and I wanted to express equal interest) and he joked about not being huge on 'public displays of affection' - and yet later, he really made out with me publicly. Twice. And didn't want me to leave. It just seemed...a little full on? And despite him saying he was happy to take things slowly, it doesn't quite feel that way! What are your thoughts on this guys? Should I just point blank ask him what he wants?
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 I should probably add that we have often long, and interesting conversations, and he often expresses getting to know more about my family etc. But just lately he has turned up the physical heat a bit out of the blue, and that's what has got me wondering.
Divasu Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Things haven't slowed much though. Last time I saw him I will admit I kissed him first (he initiated kissing me last time and I wanted to express equal interest) and he joked about not being huge on 'public displays of affection' - and yet later, he really made out with me publicly. Twice. And didn't want me to leave. It just seemed...a little full on? And despite him saying he was happy to take things slowly, it doesn't quite feel that way! What are your thoughts on this guys? Should I just point blank ask him what he wants? You kissed him, he kissed you back... Aside from that, what else has he done that makes you feel "pressured". For example, is he touching you in inappropriate places or something?
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 You kissed him, he kissed you back... Aside from that, what else has he done that makes you feel "pressured". For example, is he touching you in inappropriate places or something? No. I've never been with anyone who has made it so 'publicly' obvious how into me he is. Just...a lot of tongue and kissing action for a very long time in front of crowds, etc. I ultimately found myself pulling back both times. It seems like a steady progression towards something I'm not ready for. And because he is being so forward, I'm unsure.
paigej91 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I should probably add that we have often long, and interesting conversations, and he often expresses getting to know more about my family etc. But just lately he has turned up the physical heat a bit out of the blue, and that's what has got me wondering. I am sort of going through the same thing, and wondering the same things. It's easy to assume he's just interested in being physical, but you could also be turning down a great guy simply because of paranoia. Men ARE very physical beings, and it can be hard to distinguish a man who wants a relationship and values a good sex life, and a man who just wants a **** buddy. I say go for it, while being cautious. If you get hurt...well, it's better than not having tried.
Divasu Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 No. I've never been with anyone who has made it so 'publicly' obvious how into me he is. Just...a lot of tongue and kissing action for a very long time in front of crowds, etc. I ultimately found myself pulling back both times. It seems like a steady progression towards something I'm not ready for. And because he is being so forward, I'm unsure. Hmm, well it's hard to say whether or not he is a "player". I mean, you typically get this sinking feeling in your stomach that something is "off" in these types of situations, and if you're sensing that pay attention to it, without going "overboard" with suspicion. **Most** heterosexual males who are dating you are going to be physically attracted to you and are going to want to express/act on it. And, some are able to control themselves better than others. IF you're uncomfortable with the amount of it from him, try to redirect it or take the direct route and tell him nicely to go a bit softer on the physical displays of affection.
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Hmm, well it's hard to say whether or not he is a "player". I mean, you typically get this sinking feeling in your stomach that something is "off" in these types of situations, and if you're sensing that pay attention to it, without going "overboard" with suspicion. **Most** heterosexual males who are dating you are going to be physically attracted to you and are going to want to express/act on it. And, some are able to control themselves better than others. IF you're uncomfortable with the amount of it from him, try to redirect it or take the direct route and tell him nicely to go a bit softer on the physical displays of affection. Yeah. Well I do have my guard up. I had that feeling with a guy once before - and he was known as a bit of a Lothario - anyway, shortly after I rejected him he got into a long-term relationship of about 3 years, and I was surprised at how wrong I had got it. I understand that. I would have been more worried if he had been aggressive from the get-go, but I think I will need to say to him. I think the issue as well as that I only got out of my previous relationship a month before I started dating him (which he knows), so I think I feel a bit uncomfortable because I'm worried about my ex/his friends seeing, though I don't feel romantically inclined towards him anymore. I know it would hurt and it seems like the right etiquette to not jump into anything.
Divasu Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I understand that. I would have been more worried if he had been aggressive from the get-go, but I think I will need to say to him. I think the issue as well as that I only got out of my previous relationship a month before I started dating him (which he knows), so I think I feel a bit uncomfortable because I'm worried about my ex/his friends seeing, though I don't feel romantically inclined towards him anymore. I know it would hurt and it seems like the right etiquette to not jump into anything. You're a month out of a relationship, seems fair.
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 You're a month out of a relationship, seems fair. Hmm...maybe that's why I worry about his intentions? What sort of guy is going to want a long-lasting thing when he's at risk of being a rebound - unless he doesn't mind not being taken seriously? (which I'm not saying is the case, btw!)
Divasu Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Hmm...maybe that's why I worry about his intentions? What sort of guy is going to want a long-lasting thing when he's at risk of being a rebound - unless he doesn't mind not being taken seriously? (which I'm not saying is the case, btw!) I don't know, I'm not a guy. But, I see your point.
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 He is a very confident guy - and very attractive - if we enter a room together, more often than not women of all ages will give him the once over! Aside from this, he is very intelligent, funny and seems to care about me. Every woman's dream. So, what's the problem? He likes you, you get to be intimate with a hot, smart guy, and you get to share his company and he doesn't disrespect you or anything. If the train ride ends and it doesn't end with drama, it was a good experience and your confidence will be even higher of what your can obtain. 1
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Every woman's dream. So, what's the problem? He likes you, you get to be intimate with a hot, smart guy, and you get to share his company and he doesn't disrespect you or anything. If the train ride ends and it doesn't end with drama, it was a good experience and your confidence will be even higher of what your can obtain. Hmm , I know you are right, why can't I just enjoy it! But, cliffnotes version to why: - Got out of a relationship a month before dating him - ex lives locally and I don't want to hurt his feelings so soon. He already admitted he has been struggling with the break up. - If we got serious, I would probably worry that one of these doting women would be likely to snatch him away eventually. - And, if he does want something more serious, I am worried about getting hurt. Which I know is silly. But I put my whole heart on the line last time. The truth is, I don't know what this guy wants, and I guess I was hoping you guys could help me figure it out!
Divasu Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 The truth is, I don't know what this guy wants, and I guess I was hoping you guys could help me figure it out! Okay, let's see if we can break it down. So, guys, I need your advice. I have known this guy for about 8 months, but we've only grown closer lately (we were with other people when we first met, though a connection was always there). He is a very confident guy - and very attractive - if we enter a room together, more often than not women of all ages will give him the once over! It's a bit intimidating... This part is your insecurity talking. Aside from this, he is very intelligent, funny and seems to care about me. He calls me every few days and we've been dating for about a month. This part sounds positive/good. Soon after he expressed that he'd like me to meet his friends, said he wanted to cook a meal for me Could be questionable, in terms of going "too fast". At this point he said he was happy to wait until I felt ready as he just enjoys spending time with me 'whatever we're doing' . This part sounds positive/good. If he adheres to it, it means he is respecting your boundaries. he joked about not being huge on 'public displays of affection' - and yet later, he really made out with me publicly. Twice. Now, he's not...(respecting your boundaries). But, you kind of gave him a "yellow" light when you kissed him first. Depends on how aggressive he was with the kissing. You've stated you came out of a relationship a month ago, and have been dating this new individual ever since, correct? Based on what you've said, I think going slow is smart. I know you 'want' to know what 'he wants' but you may not know what you want either yet given your very recent break-up. Spend time together, communicate, see how it goes.
shexy Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I don't really think he's the one that's confused. He kissed you and your'e all like "oh, no too fast". Then you kissed him. You're the one sending mixed signals here.
Eddie Edirol Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Hmm , I know you are right, why can't I just enjoy it! But, cliffnotes version to why: - Got out of a relationship a month before dating him - ex lives locally and I don't want to hurt his feelings so soon. He already admitted he has been struggling with the break up. - If we got serious, I would probably worry that one of these doting women would be likely to snatch him away eventually. - And, if he does want something more serious, I am worried about getting hurt. Which I know is silly. But I put my whole heart on the line last time. The truth is, I don't know what this guy wants, and I guess I was hoping you guys could help me figure it out! We cant figure him out because you dont have enough information. Just keep going for a few more weeks then make a determination. He's a guy, he is going to want to see how you are in bed. Its a big deal with guys that have choices that the woman they want to invest in will be good in bed. So you might not know what he truly wants until you sleep with him, or unless you wait a few months and he was willing to wait. So for now, dont invest your heart until you know what he actually wants. Words and actions have to match. If youre worried about women snatching him, well thats all on you. You have to get to know him well to determine if you guys are fully compatible, and if you can fullfill everything he wants, as well as him fullfulling everything you want. If you arent a complete pain in the neck, nagging, and insecure, he wont need to get snatched away. BTW, if you keep telling him youre apprehensive to avoid hurting your ex, he will think youre not moving on from that relationship and he might move on. He doesnt know for sure that you arent lying, and that you could be the one that is hurting from the last relationship.
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Okay, let's see if we can break it down. This part is your insecurity talking. This part sounds positive/good. Could be questionable, in terms of going "too fast". This part sounds positive/good. If he adheres to it, it means he is respecting your boundaries. Now, he's not...(respecting your boundaries). But, you kind of gave him a "yellow" light when you kissed him first. Depends on how aggressive he was with the kissing. You've stated you came out of a relationship a month ago, and have been dating this new individual ever since, correct? Based on what you've said, I think going slow is smart. I know you 'want' to know what 'he wants' but you may not know what you want either yet given your very recent break-up. Spend time together, communicate, see how it goes. Quite aggressive. Surprisingly so. And yes, correct. I think you may be right about me not knowing what I want. I know I don't want to be without him - because I like him a lot. But I also don't want to move too fast, without giving him nothing to go on at the same time and making him think I'm uninterested (which might explain why I took the initiative in kissing him).
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 We cant figure him out because you dont have enough information. Just keep going for a few more weeks then make a determination. He's a guy, he is going to want to see how you are in bed. Its a big deal with guys that have choices that the woman they want to invest in will be good in bed. So you might not know what he truly wants until you sleep with him, or unless you wait a few months and he was willing to wait. So for now, dont invest your heart until you know what he actually wants. Words and actions have to match. If youre worried about women snatching him, well thats all on you. You have to get to know him well to determine if you guys are fully compatible, and if you can fullfill everything he wants, as well as him fullfulling everything you want. If you arent a complete pain in the neck, nagging, and insecure, he wont need to get snatched away. BTW, if you keep telling him youre apprehensive to avoid hurting your ex, he will think youre not moving on from that relationship and he might move on. He doesnt know for sure that you arent lying, and that you could be the one that is hurting from the last relationship. Okay. The more answers I get the more I feel like I'm figuring this out thankfully To an extent, that would be an issue I would have as well. But we have very good kissing chemistry and he is very sexy, so I think (or hope!) he's going to be good. I would be definitely want go to bed with him over the next month/few weeks, but...I think I'm worried because he's become more physically aggressive than I would like at this stage. And as I already said I wanted to slow it down (which he initially respected) but as he has sped up again, I'm not sure what to do now. I've stopped mentioning my ex to this guy, but we are yet to exchange belongings (I'm making a point of doing it over the next few days even though my ex has been avoiding the exchange) partly to be respectful to the new guy and to be able to move on). It's not been a clear-cut new start.
Divasu Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Quite aggressive. Surprisingly so. And yes, correct. I think you may be right about me not knowing what I want. I know I don't want to be without him - because I like him a lot. But I also don't want to move too fast, without giving him nothing to go on at the same time and making him think I'm uninterested (which might explain why I took the initiative in kissing him). You have to be careful because he may interpret the above as mixed signals. I understand your reasons, but, he may not. If he is aware you're fresh out of a break-up, and is mature and respectful, he'll most likely understand and act accordingly and not push it physically. Or, if he's a putz, he'll push the physical because he knows you're on the rebound. Clearly, the physical boundaries have been pushed beyond your liking 'right now' so you're not ready for it, and that's okay. So, show him you're interested in him by spending time with him, making the effort to do so and to get to know him better. Having him meet your friends at some point, etc. And, through physical interaction when/if you're ready to cross that bridge with him. Just make sure you're aware of the signals you're sending and kiss him only IF you desire him physically and you're ready for it with him.
Tinie Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Stop overthinking this. If you're attracted to the guy, go for it. What do you have to lose? Unfortunately relationships require risks, hence the getting hurt part. If that scares you, don't be in a relationship. He's not a player, I don't think so. I've met players before, and they come on strong, then disappear quickly. A month is too long for a player to hang around, usually they get what they want fast, or they disappear fast, if they think that what they want is taking too long to happen. 1
todreaminblue Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I have found most players not to be into public displays of affection..even holding hands they will balk at......you never know who might see mentality (who might see being other women he is dating) ....... you kissed him he kissed you......sounds pretty normal.......if you arent comfortable with the level of affection or feel stifled..i dotn think tonuge is really a public share thing either.......be honest and open if he cares about you ......the person who is at the slower end of the spectrum of affection should be where the level of affection is, not at the higher end, even somewhere in the middle....if you can meet there.........so no one is uncomfortable...be open...be honest with him on what you do and dont like ....i wish you the best....deb 1
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Stop overthinking this. If you're attracted to the guy, go for it. What do you have to lose? Unfortunately relationships require risks, hence the getting hurt part. If that scares you, don't be in a relationship. He's not a player, I don't think so. I've met players before, and they come on strong, then disappear quickly. A month is too long for a player to hang around, usually they get what they want fast, or they disappear fast, if they think that what they want is taking too long to happen. I know, you're completely right. You might be right though - I only got out of a relationship a month before and am not 100% convinced I want another one already. There are lots of personal goals I want to focus on too - but I do enjoy this guy's company so much. If I'm honest, I don't really want to slow down - I just feel that it would be the right thing to do out of respect to my ex who is apparently still hurting. On another note, I like your display picture very much! Was watching Ben Whishaw earlier today actually
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 I have found most players not to be into public displays of affection..even holding hands they will balk at......you never know who might see mentality (who might see being other women he is dating) ....... you kissed him he kissed you......sounds pretty normal.......if you arent comfortable with the level of affection or feel stifled..i dotn think tonuge is really a public share thing either.......be honest and open if he cares about you ......the person who is at the slower end of the spectrum of affection should be where the level of affection is, not at the higher end, even somewhere in the middle....if you can meet there.........so no one is uncomfortable...be open...be honest with him on what you do and dont like ....i wish you the best....deb Also meant to say that after speaking to him today I'm pretty convinced you are all right. He called to make sure I was okay (had a rough day yesterday) and also talked about future plans further down the line. I feel like he would the ideal partner if I'd had more time to process the fallout from my last relationship. But then what is the other option? Not be with him at all? I suppose it is an option - but not a good one...it all feels a bit all or nothing.
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