academicmoss Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I just decided to end my 3 year relationship. I'm 31 and he's 35. I won't get into all the details but the relationship had turned toxic. The trust was gone and the love that was once happy and care-free became surrounded by fear and constant doubt. We just can't make it work and I feel like my world has already ended. He was my everything. I have no choice than to walk away. We were fighting nonstop, everyday. No matter what we tried we couldn't fix things. I'm crying my eyes out as I write this. I broke it off with him back in Feb and went NC for 3 weeks. Then he found a way without me knowing it was him, until after I'd responded, and he pulled me back in. He wanted to get back together and I gave it another chance but there's no fixing things. The damage is done. There was no cheating (that I'm aware of) but the trust has been broken, by things said out of hurt/anger, little lies told out of spite. After that, there's no hope now and we've been battling this issue for quite some time. The relationship was over before today, I'm just choosing to move on with my life - I need peace. I don't want to worry anymore, accuse, cry... HURT. Before things got to this point we had a great loving relationship, then we got too comfortable and ****ed it up. My love for him was (is) like nothing I've ever felt. I've never had a more passionate relationship than I've had with him. The sex wasn't just sex, it was more than that. It was almost ecstasy, so passionate and loving. The way it felt when my fingers touched his skin was the most amazing feeling I'd ever had. I could rub on him for hours and it was so incredible. I love him wholeheartedly and am in pure torment right now. He was the first person I'd fallen in love with. I've dated men, several, prior to him and I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, this man was the one to capture my whole heart. I was (am) truly IN LOVE with him. I'm hurting. I'd rather take a beating than go through what I'm facing.
athousandquestions Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 You'll see everyone on this forum tell you: GO NC! Delete him off Facebook, block him. Unfollow/unfriend him on every social networking site and so forth. Delete his number. If he continues to contact you, seriously consider blocking his number. You seem to be a smart person - you care about him deeply, but it's obvious that you know your relationship was NOT WORKING. I know that sometimes it feels like you would rather take the beating and abuse and problems that your broken relationship had than live without him - but it's NOT. Look at it this way - if you were happy you would not be here. If your relationship were working you would not be here. You are here because you know it is not and will not work. There are reasons your relationship turned toxic, and staying in such a toxic environment will not help either of you. It may be easier for you to think about it this way: to go NC with him, to reflect on the relationship. Think of what you did wrong. Think of your faults, your actions. Think of HIS faults and actions. This man may never change. But you can. You can go to the gym, get your life back, LIVE. And you can grow as a person. First loves are lessons. They are what not to do. They are when you act crazy in love, you become possessive and obsessive and you love the person so deeply because it's almost like that's all you know how to do. Your first love is what teaches you how to love again, in a more healthy way. Maybe a while from now you both can reconcile after working on yourself. But for now you need to go NC and you need to STAY NC. Each time you get the urge to contact him, post here. Or start a diary of letters to him. Pour your fricking heart in to them but it will help you on so many levels to NOT contact him, and do NOT respond to his attempts to contact you, no matter how frantic. It is what you both need, and deep down, you recognize that.
HopelessRomantick Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Yup, slow and painful death but you forgot agonizing. You have to understand it will take time to heal and grow. But if you practice what is preached in this forum, you will find it to become easier. This forum is my only hope throughout the day. I come here from work, from home, etc. I hit it often maybe 2 dozen times in a day. Just to read and post replies. Trust me, it helps, it really does. Stay NC! 1
Inviv_girl Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 We all hurting that's why we came here, seeking for advice and someone to listen to. I hear you and feel your pain, as I, myself also experience it. And yes it hurts. 10 months now and I'm still crying when I think about him, sometimes the tears is just flow without I even realized it. I care and love him deeply but we have to let go of eachother. Stay NC, focus on yourself! Time will heal.. no one can tell you how long it takes but it will. 1
Author academicmoss Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 oh god i'm dying. i was doing alright looking around and then i read Inviv_girl's post about how she still cries, 10 months later.. and i busted out in tears and am shaking. i've never went through such a deep pain before, in my entire life. no one i EVER dated had this impact on me. i'm trying to think of the negative things in hopes of pissing myself off but i can't do it. all i can think about is the times he'd lie next to me, without his shirt on, and i'd kiss his chest and run my fingers through his hair. i;m gonna be damaged goods. it hurts so bad. god someone please kill me.
HopelessRomantick Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 No doubt this is a difficult time for you as for many including myself. You must stay the course of NC and focus, focus and refocus on other things to distract you. It does go up and down like a wave, but it gets better, I promise.
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