softly Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Hi I really need some words of kindness; don't have anyone to go to in real life can you please help me? I am feeling so very low and not sure how I can carry on much longer - I feel so broken. Some background. I'm 28 years old. I had a rough upbringing. Abusive father and violent brother; he is in the navy - I ran away from home, ended up getting a scholarship for university - that gave me a bit of stability. Haven't seen them for years though my brother would still manage to find me from time to time and hurt me. I'm sad about it as he was badly punished as a boy, but he's dangerous and there is no reasoning with him. At some points, I've feared for my life (he threatened to kill me) and twice been rescued by the police at very close calls. I haven't seen him in 4 years though. My mother is still alive however she has been sectioned under mental health act. We do not have much of a relationship. I was in a long term relationship with a lovely boy - we spent 5 years together. In the end, he was abusive (not physically, though he threatened it). It makes me feel so stupid that I didn't cut ties the first second he showed his cruel side; however, it's easy to say that when you're not in the thick of things. Looking back, I think my spirit was weakened to the point where I couldn't see how I could possibly change anything. It makes me feel pathetic but I try not to think about it. It's been 2 years since we broke up. In all that time, I've been very wary of men and haven't let them get close. Sometimes, if I'm walking down the street and see the figure of a man approaching me from far off, I can feel my heart racing and fight the urge to run away. I'm repeatedly told I'm a lovely looking girl, but for the longest time I couldn't bear to have men look at me or stand near me. For the past year, I've felt like there is no way I could have a relationship with a man. The whole idea of a relationship seemed wholly false and because of this falseness it was better to remain single. However, I have a normal sex drive and so have been very unsettled and frustrated. 3 months ago, I met a man (he's 29) who showed me attention and who I was so HUGELY attracted to - bear in mind, I hadn't been attracted to ANYONE for 2 years, or before that. Well, he charmed me and we slept together pretty fast. He was very straight and told me he didn't want a relationship and that he sleeps around a lot (I've only had 1 partner). I thought I was ok with this - because, I didn't want a relationship and felt having the sexual side of life compartmentalised was my only option. I thought I was cool with it, and would be fine when he left the country. As you can predict - this has exploded horribly. He's gone now and been very clear that this was a one off fling though was (as far as you can be!) nice about it - telling me to have a nice summer, look after myself and that it'd been fun. No surprises; I knew the score. HOWEVER.... I feel like a whore. I don't think he even found me attractive - he was pretty rough. My self esteem has taken a bashing - I was so stupid, I thought I could handle no strings sex but I feel so upset. Part of me is upset because I wanted a cuddle when he left but couldn't bear to ask for one. I've cried so much and I never ever cry - I thought I was pretty tough but realise I'm not at all. I can't tell you I just feel so flattened and defeated right now - I must have seemed such an easy target like an dumb ho. I feel old, and worn out. I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel, or how life can get better. I'm worried about where this is taking me - I feel so completely alone and defeated, as though I no longer exist in the world. Can you tell me anything to make it hurt less?
StrongLass Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Not sure if I can make it "hurt less" but if you're feeling completely worthless I can assure you that that's just part of your damaged self image talking and not reality at all. I'm sure you're worth someone's time Considering your history of abuse, have you gone to therapy at all? 1
Sneaky Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 It's okay, you made a mistake it doesn't make you less of a good person. I'm not the best person to advise people but I'm just writing this to say that some people do care.
Own Worst Enemy Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 and what a shame that you ran into him. however, all you can do is take the good out of the situation. there will have been some bits that you enjoyed, and he must have found you attractive or he wouldn't have done it. you've got that tiny bit more relationship-experience under your belt, and will be more prepared for next time. you found loveshack! all these silver linings will help in time. for the moment, just remember that it really is his problem: he's a douche. and you're not.
todreaminblue Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I dont know if i could post something to fix the pain you feel, if you didnt feel pain however it would make you a pretty cold individual...feeling any emotion is better than feeling none it makes you human....and when you have experienced pain....you can surely have the chance to feel joy and appreciate that joy...and its coming to ya......:0)....... the guy you were with was close to feeling nothing, a guy who was interested in his own sexual gratification...which is fine......if you had of been the same way.......but you weren't.......so you are left with the aftermath of disappointment and regret...... dont judge all guys who may be part of your future by the sins of another...that includes your brother.......don't judge your own self worth either on the short comings of someone else.....you are worth more than what you feel at the moment...and it will come to pass that you will feel worthwhile again if you give yourself time to heal...... you might feel old but you are not old.....not at all.....and you will meet someoen who is good to you....but you have to be good to yourself.....do the things you love to do ....surround yourself with people who enjoy the same things that you do........and lastly in my opinion, consider therapy....to talk out the issues you have about your brother........and men in general that flight or fight response you have concerning men....needs to be bought under control....i still at times.....have the urge to stand as far away as possible from certain men....my heart will race..........i normally take myself somewhere else in my head......break the chain of thought by thinking of my family or ripples in water or my fave place i like to be.......or i pray.......because i know i am not under threat and it is merely a residual threat.........but....there are times when i listen to that accelerating heart beat......it is necessary for me to know why it is accelerating....but i dont allow it to control me.....i have done therapy........many times over the years...controlling fear is all strategy and breathing.......you can do it.......and i wish you light love and happiness in your certain future.....today may be dark.....it normally is dark...before the sun begins to shine....hugs to ya..deb
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