Struggling men, would you date women with serious problems

[carhill]

So what did they say or do that you listened to to come to this conclusion, carhill?

I observed repetitive actions which conflicted with their words and, over time, began to understand why that needed paying attention to. As example, there were a number who apparently decided to return to partners they had formerly and vehemently dismissed as abusive, cruel, disordered, etc, etc. After listening to their words and then observing their actions and subsequent antithetical words, a clearer picture began to be formed about their psyche and, ultimately, compatibility. Those particular examples did me a favor by dismissing me, though it might not have felt that way at the time.

 

In general, their choices were soft-sold with the soon to become common 'I'm not worthy of you' line. Normally, one might not notice such things in any detail but I've lived in the same place for 54 years so got to know the demographic/social circle pretty well during that time. As single women were relatively rare, I knew directly or knew of most I interacted with before approaching or dating them, while they were married or in relationships with others.

 

After awhile, and some repetitive experiences with women whom I discovered weren't single (more words and actions not matching), I became a bit gunshy and skeptical, both of their relationship status and 'disclosures'. I would estimate this evolved over a period of about ten years.

 

Upon reflection, I've found, when one is used to a pattern of interaction and gets hit with something unexpected and odd, compared to one's usual experience, it can be confusing and, often, the confused mind says 'no'. This was supported by listening, as a friend, to women describing their relationship experiences and, then, looking in the mirror and examining my own role. That aspect (listening) goes on to this day, though I have firmer boundaries about it. Back in the day, it was very common for single mothers to go on and on about the trials and tribulations of their lives and I soaked it all up like a sponge.

 

A corollary might be, today, if I met a woman who expressed sincere and open empathy and love, in general, and towards myself, I might find that confusing, as it is antithetical to historical experience, and I might very likely hit the 'no' button, and without any good reason other than that I was confused. It's possible, even though, cognitively, I would state that's what I'm 'looking for'. My words and actions might not match up. I might reject a good woman for no valid cause other than my own issues. That's what I was up against during a lot of my dating years. It became very debilitating.

 

A prior poster made an interesting observation that people with problems date people with problems. Back in the day, I railed against that but came to see the wisdom of such comments/observations. I definitely had my own problems relating to women in a manner they found attractive and was definitely socialized improperly to deal with my generation of female counterparts. So, those single mothers who were rejecting me were, unwittingly, teaching life lessons and I thank them for that.

 

So, at the end of the 'road' and having been married (whole different kettle of 'listening' fish), I revel in the contentment of solitude. The voices are finally quiet.

[AndrewJDC]

this topic is very depressing but rings true. you need to work on yourself in such a way that you gain confidence and perhaps some of the attributes that are attractive. then you may meet a decent woman. these low value women are okay for sex but long term are not worth the time.

 

just how ugly are you? Franck ribery ugly, if so you're doomed...

[TheGuard13]

It's all relative.

 

EVERYONE has issues. Some people who appear not to are just better at hiding it. And not everyone who has a clean criminal record is a good person, just like not everyone WITH a record is a bad person, or a person with a mental illness is somehow unstable.

 

As for women with children...it's not exactly the same type of issue as others men tend to have with women. Women with children pose an interesting issue...that of the kids needing attention, the mother having additional issues to deal with because of the kids, and the possibility that the kids will get attached/hurt or psychologically harmed somehow. And not all men are okay with being a surrogate father to someone else's children.

[ChessPieceFace]

multiple children

 

Very unlikely.

 

drug problems

 

Never.

 

serious debt

 

Possibly ... depends on the reasons. What's "serious" debt anyway?

 

criminal history

 

Depends what crime. Violent or immoral crime, never. Something white collar which I feel is a BS crime, then sure.

 

I find that the #1 gripe of struggling men here is that their potentials are not physically attractive (not my gripe).

 

It is? I don't remember that being the largest gripe. I think the largest gripe is from some guys who claim they "can't get anyone." If they lowered their standards enough, could many of them then find someone? Probably... I don't advise it though.

 

Being so desperate that I'd date a drug-dealing ex-con. Maybe if I didn't have hands...

[aussietigerwolf]

I would dump a guy if I found out that he was only with me because of that. I am not something to be settled for because you think I'm so undesirable that I'm not going to reject you...

[Ripnet]

Because younger women with such problems still won't date unattractive men. The older women maybe are through putting up with drunks and druggies with problems of their own, so they might. Maybe.

 

I don't go for only single mothers. Those have just happened to be a few of the only ones who accepted me. Coincidence? You tell me.

 

You're making excuses. And you blaming women for your lack of success. Let me tell you a story I read from a book called Personal Power. There was this man who got into a motor cycle accident. He lost control of his bike and hit the rear breaking majority of his bones. It didn't stop there he slid underneath and hit the gas tink which ignited and burned 3/4 of his body 2nd degree burns.

 

While in the hospital he met this nurse and he started talking to her. His friend said he was crazy body saying nobody would want a crippled man with burns mean that he is ugly.

He continued to date this nurse and eventually marry her. On top of that this man ran for mayor and got 2nd place.

 

So how come a man ugly as he is who is crippled can attract and marry an attractive nurse but many you guys on here can't? Because he had the right attitude, he had confidence. He didn't blame his conditions for lack of success.

 

The only reason you fail to attract a woman is that your brain of yours not because you don't make enough money, not because you're short or that you don't have enough education. I've seen plenty of attractive women date over weights and guys below average in attractiveness.

 

Put a lot of effort with confidence and you will get what you want it just takes times!

[StanMusial]

Lol i find it funny that you think single moms are less in demand

im 21 with a 2 year old daughter and i get hit on all the time

ive never heard complaints about having a kid

 

Guys hitting on you and trying to tap that aren't going to complain about anything. When it comes time to get serious it will be a consideration and they'll probably split. You're 21, you've got a long way to go and some tough lessons to learn.

[MidwestUSA]

What about a blind woman who has none of the aforementioned "serious" problems? She could even be young!

[xxoo]

See. If I come across a woman in her 30s and maybe she's a recovering alcoholic or drug user, but seems to be a down to Earth woman and is fairly bright, but has f@cked up her 20s and done nothing, I'd pick her over the shallow woman with the Masters degree and the good job.

 

AND, I'd think the former woman would be more likely to give me a chance. Whether or not that's actually true is up for debate.

 

You keep comparing broken down 30 year olds to thriving 20 year olds.

 

What about thriving 30 year olds? People (women and men alike) tend to get wiser with age. Yes, by our 30s, most people have lived and experienced some problems, but are you talking about women who had issues or women who have issues? There is a big difference between the two, and the promise of a stable relationship of any kind.

[fortyninethousand322]

I would dump a guy if I found out that he was only with me because of that. I am not something to be settled for because you think I'm so undesirable that I'm not going to reject you...

 

It's likely that if you met such a man you'd know right off the bat whether he was desperate or not. And if you couldn't tell, you probably never would find out...

[GoodOnPaper]

I have found in my 30s that one way for struggling men to find someone to accept them is by dating older women with a significant amount of problems, for lack of a better word, and/or multiple children. This usually means multiple children and/or drug problems, serious debt, maybe even a criminal history. It stands to reason that such women may date less attractive men without these problems because other more physically attractive/smoother men brush them off.

 

I find that the #1 gripe of struggling men here is that their potentials are not physically attractive (not my gripe). So, if you are willing to accept the above, there is a chance she will be on the more physically attractive end.

 

So, would you?

 

I think for a given man, there are certain issues he can relate to in an empathetic way -- those won't be dealbreakers -- while there are other issues that he either relates to in an over-sensitive/paranoid way or can't relate to at all. Those are more likely to be dealbreakers.

 

For me, out of the issues you list, drug use and criminal history would be the most difficult to relate to. Alcohol is the most potent drug I use recreationally and I've never even had a traffic ticket let alone any type of misdemeanor or felony. Debt? Not a big deal if it's manageable.

 

Divorce and/or children is a tricky subject -- my younger self could easily have been sucked into a stereotypical "beta provider" situation. I'm glad I never had to actually face that possibility. Thinking about it now, the degree to which this would be a red flag would depend on how much the ex is involved in their lives and what he is like. If I am the polar opposite of the ex and he's around on a regular basis, that's a huge red flag.

 

You have every right to not date or not move forward in a relationship with a woman for any and all of these reasons. On LS, women get applauded every day for dismissing guys just because they might be "boring", "nerdy", "shy", "awkward", "unattractive", etc. I think the issues you are talking about have a much more serious impact on one's life path.

[SteveC80]

I dont get why women cant understand why a women with kids is not at the top of the food chain.

 

A kid hampers trying to build a relationship,from the start i already know ill never be the most important person in that womens life which is important to me then you have the times you cant see each other because you cant get someobdy to watch the kids etc its just a headache

 

A kid for me should come in the picture when your married and that foundation and trust and love is already built not when your trying to build and nurture it and you know everytime your with that wome nher midn is on her kids.

[Pompeii]

Would I date a woman with any of those problems? No. At my age, any of those four would certainly be a liability to me given my current career trajectory. Infact, I steer well clear of women in my age bracket (18-25) who are single with a child. Multiple kids is even worse. Add in financial problems, drugs, etc. You've got a recipe for disaster. I'm not being some chick's meal ticket. Are you crazy?

 

 

If this woman was a glass of water and I was in the Sahara Desert, you couldn't even torture me to drink the glass. I'd rather die.

[will1988]

I've dated my fair shair of chicks with baggage.... even if I was single for years there is no way in hell that I would give in and date someone with baggage. Nope. Mostly because of bad past experiances. But also because of my job. I can't date a druggie, alchy, debtor etc... just normal stable girls for me. thank god.

[Imajerk17]

I've dated two single moms. Contrary to the evo psyche theories that single moms are looking for a Beta to help them raise the offspring they banged out with an Alpha, BOTH women I dated were mature down-to-earth givers who manage a bunch of serious responsibilities. The first I dated when I was much younger and more hot-headed and she talked me out of some pretty rash decisions. She was definitely the more mature one of the two of us.

Edited June 25, 2013 by Imajerk17

[will1988]

I've dated two single moms. Contrary to the evo psyche theories that single moms are looking for a Beta to help them raise the offspring they banged out with an Alpha, BOTH women I dated were mature down-to-earth givers who manage a bunch of serious responsibilities. The first I dated when I was much younger and more hot-headed and she talked me out of some pretty rash decisions. She was definitely the more mature one of the two of us.

ahhh one of the beta, alpha, omega, delta etc... theorirsts. Everyone has a bit of every bit of those traits in them, it is just how they let them shine. Otherwise, i agree with you. I'm not adverse to dating a single mom, if i was single and looking for a family. However, the rest of the things on this list are 101% deal breakers for me.

[fortyninethousand322]

I do think that being a single mother can be a negative trait, and perhaps to many people it is. It's not that controversial. I guarantee that being an inexperienced man is a big deal breaker to many women. So it's natural for that kind of guy to seek out a woman who might be seen negatively by other men.

[xxoo]

I completely understand why some men would not want to date a single mom (or why some women would not want to date a single dad).

 

But fewer suitors doesn't necessarily mean few suitors, you know? A single parent can, and should, be very choosy. That doesn't mean shallow, of course. In many ways, it is the opposite.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

well this thread is depressing........it is depressing to think that men would see older women with issues a problem...that kids are considered as a mess.......that mental issues are something that makes a woman leper like.......drugs .....debt....and lumping it all together with a single mother.....to make them an easy lay ........

 

 

I am a single mother.........i am schizo affective..i dont do drugs....i got stuck with the debts when my husband left me and my tribe for another woman........still paying them off.....

 

 

i would not want a man who thought like this about single mothers or would i ever date such a shallow minded individual.....i doubt that any self respecting single mother would........regardless of mental illness....and children given by the grace of god who are considered messes......and target points........or stay right away from that lepersville mother with debt.......this thread is highly disheartening....there are reasons why single mothers end up single mothers.......and there is no rhyme or reason for having to live with mental illness......it isnt easy and guys as above...dont make it any easier...just stay away is my suggestion....from mothers who struggle.........to make ends meet, who are trying to have a happy life....let them meet someone who truly appreciates them and loves them despite their many flaws...and is willing to not only accept their children as a package deal ....but maybe loves those children as well..those kids deserve that type of man......as does the woman..best wishes............deb

 

 

 

Yes, this thread is depressing.

 

Think of life like a giant ice cream shoppe. Upon entry you're given one (poker-like) chip good for a uniform-sized ice cream cone. You're free to redeem it for anything (drug-flavor, marriage-flavor, kid-flavor, debt-flavor - whatever).

 

When you redeem your chip, you don't just get to race right back to the entryway and obtain another chip as if they were as plentiful as pebbles on the ground. You redeem your chip, and you select your path in life, and every future tangent to your life relates back to the choice you made. The impulse that is blaming others, who have not yet made a selection of any sort, for the fact that they still have a chip to redeem, is just wrong.

 

Instead, you take the flavor you selected in the first place (no matter whether it now has you a single mother challenged by making it in this world, a druggie shooting-up in an alley somewhere, or a financial wreck on the verge of bankruptcy) and you live your life according to the choice you made.

 

Trying to blame others for being, or wishing yourself back in the category of those who have held onto their choices/options is merely being unfair to the choices to whom you gave birth.

 

 

Oh, and if you're an especially busty woman, you can live for a long while off of the chips of others, while making your life appear to have as many chips as there are pebbles near your feet.

 

(even the latter has to catch up to you sooner or later)

[Mme. Chaucer]

I dated a single mother because I liked her and was able to overlook her flaws. Would she have dated me if she didn't have the kids?

 

I highly doubt it. She could have gotten a more attractive man. See what I mean?

 

Wow, you are really struggling, all right. Struggling to find anything you can to bolster up your skewed, self-pitying view of the world.

 

I was a single mother. I never even THOUGHT of dating someone I was not interested in dating "because I had the kid" or that without "the kid" I "could have gotten a more attractive man."

 

If some guy didn't want to date me because I had a child, then I guess we wouldn't be dating. That would not have ONE THING to do with who I chose to date.

 

Women with children don't think of themselves as "damaged goods," even though you do. And NO woman is going to like a man who's going out with her BECAUSE he thinks he can benefit by stooping low enough to "accept" her issues.

 

Drug addled criminals usually have plenty of other drug addled criminals around them in their lifestyle that they are easily able to date among themselves. They probably aren't looking for guys like you. But, maybe you'll get lucky and find one who is.

[thefooloftheyear]

Wow, you are really struggling, all right. Struggling to find anything you can to bolster up your skewed, self-pitying view of the world.

 

I was a single mother. I never even THOUGHT of dating someone I was not interested in dating "because I had the kid" or that without "the kid" I "could have gotten a more attractive man."

 

If some guy didn't want to date me because I had a child, then I guess we wouldn't be dating. That would not have ONE THING to do with who I chose to date.

 

Women with children don't think of themselves as "damaged goods," even though you do. And NO woman is going to like a man who's going out with her BECAUSE he thinks he can benefit by stooping low enough to "accept" her issues.

 

Drug addled criminals usually have plenty of other drug addled criminals around them in their lifestyle that they are easily able to date among themselves. They probably aren't looking for guys like you. But, maybe you'll get lucky and find one who is.

 

Well said...

 

Listen...A well adjusted, self assured single mother is just as desirable as ANY childless woman. perhaps even more so...As a parent myself, I fully know the level of dedication and hard work it is to raise a child properly..many of these women do so with little or no help from their exes..They are a true testament. I dont have any issue with it...

 

Comparing this to someone who is laxy, irresponsible, lawless, whatever is just not fair. Some of these other issues are REAL dealbreakers. For me anyway..

 

And some of you guys that are saying that a single mom "wont put me as a priority" need to look very hard at that statement...Are you that needy where you absolutely need to have someones total and complete attention/affection? Do you have a life of your own?

 

TFY

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

Women with children don't think of themselves as "damaged goods," even though you do. And NO woman is going to like a man who's going out with her BECAUSE he thinks he can benefit by stooping low enough to "accept" her issues.

 

You're putting words in my mouth. I don't think of women with multiple children as lower. I just think they are more likely to date me because, well, they have.

 

I agree my self pitying is high and my self esteem is low, but if you had my dating results, yours probably would be too.

 

Working on it.

[xxoo]

They have dated you because they have to?

 

Or they have dated you because they are choosy in a different way from their child free peers, and they are looking for a guy like you?

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

Or they have dated you because they are choosy in a different way from their child free peers, and they are looking for a guy like you?

 

Yes, exactly.

 

I think they are less likely to care about looks. Plain and simple. Maybe a combination of them being older and more mature, having children and other problems helps to humble them. I dunno.

Edited June 27, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember