gmitchell4109 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Hello everyone, Long story somewhat short... I am 35 years old and have been married for 10 years (together 14 yrs.) and have 2 children ages 7 and 9. Things have never been great in my marriage. He has cheated repeatedly, been physically and emotionally abusive,alienated all my friends and the list goes on. I actually left once, moved to be near my family, was all set up with the kids in a nice little apartment.....and he begged me to come back. Worst.Mistake.Ever. It has been 4 years now and we are still the same. I read an article about Narcissism and it fits him like a glove. Everything wrong in his life is my fault and everything right in my life (just got my RN) is because of him. He is rude to neighbors, belligerent with my nursing school friends, etc. I am not perfect by any means. Although I stay in relatively good physical shape, I have zero sex drive. Possibly the years of abuse and being cheated on have taken their toll? Point being, I'm done with nursing school, I can stand on my own 2 feet and care for our children and I want out!! Problem is, now he is trying to be nice, but we've been through this before. It never lasts. I don't want to hurt him, but I CANNOT take it anymore. There has been so much, I could type forever. I know he's going to say that I just stayed with him to get through school, and that's not entirely wrong. I knew I needed to be self sufficient for the kids and I made that happen (with next to no help from him). My husband makes $80,000k and I was a GESTATIONAL SURROGATE just to pay my way through nursing school. Yes, I carried someone else's child in order to fund my escape plan from this marriage and I'm still worried about what to say and how to end this. My thoughts are scattered, please forgive me if this is hard to understand. Any advice would be appreciated. How do I tell him that I want out now!!
Balzac Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Hire a lawyer, file for divorce. You don't have to "tell him" anything. It's not that complicated if you'd stop pitying him. 1
GuyInLimbo Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Wow. He's been a chronic heater and abuser and you're worried about hurting HIM? Uh-uh. Get out now and don't look back.
Author gmitchell4109 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Yes, I agree. There is definitely something wrong that I still pity him and worry about his feelings. IDK why? I guess I'm going to have to just "hold my breathe and leap". I just worry about his reaction. It's not 100% about his feelings. I know he can really wreck havoc when he chooses to. I want this as smooth as possible for our children too.
Balzac Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 He's incapable of putting your shared chikdren's best interest FIRST. You cannot control nor are you responsible for his bad decisions. Once you come to the realization of what healthy boundaries are ~ you'll come to accept that he's his own man. Responsible for his action/inaction. Be the best mother you can be.
Author gmitchell4109 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Wow, I can't believe this. Actually, I can. Just now, he was supposed to take our son to football practice and he went into an all out rage. He started calling me names and saying I ruined his life, etc. I haven't even told him I want out yet. We haven't been talking so I take it he is sensing it. Now this is why I'm worried. My kids don't deserve this and I absolutely refuse to battle it out with him in front of them. They have seen way too much already. As he was screaming I simply asked him in a calm voice to please love our children as much as he loves himself. I then took my son and dropped him off to football practice (talking to him all the way there about how this isn't their fault, yada, yada)...I just feel sick. He is NOT going to make this easy and I have a feeling he plans to make them pawns. That WILL NOT happen...come hell or high water. Ugh. To make matters worse, I have zero family here.
Balzac Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 You don't need family immediately. You need an experienced, willing to go to the mat, divorce lawyer. Followed by a court ordered psychological evaluation of you, your husband and your children. Then you can begin to understand why he's been using your kids, will continue and it's on your watch. The fact that you tolerate his abuse is your willing participation. Get your children into counseling.
Balzac Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 To be clear I have empathy for you and your children. I get it, I really do. Divorce lawyers and psychologists/psychiatrists who specialize in family and criminal law are well familiar w men like your husband. The part you'll learn is that you unwittingly play your part in the dynamic. It's tough to own. I'm not saying you knowingly w malice would marginalize your children's best interest.
Techie Artist Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Since you say he's physically abused you in the past, I recommend a restraining order. Sounds like he's going off the deep end without direct confrontation. What will happen when you directly threaten his world?
Author gmitchell4109 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Balzac, I totally agree. I am not offended in the slightest. I really just need to pull my balls out of my purse and deal with whatever the repercussions will be. He can be scary. I just don't know what he could have up his sleeve. I cannot live in fear and continue to subject my children to this. I will start making some phone calls in the morning. I must admit it feels good to type this out and get stuff off my chest. To be continued.... Thanks everyone!
Author gmitchell4109 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Techieartist, I worry too. Unfortunately until he does something now, there isn't much I can do.
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