lillie_loves Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 So I am sure there will be others who know how it feels... you're in relationship, you think things are going ok but one day it dawns on you... you're the one making ALL the effort in the relationship. That's what I realised, and I'm feeling pretty fed up with it! He's 37 and I'm 30. We're both Scorpio. At first, he used to be very attentive, he's hold my hand, he's kiss me passionately, he'd initiate romance, he rub my back.. all the lovely things that bring intimacy to the relationship and make you feel closer. The sex was incredible. Even when I found out I was pregnant (I later had a miscarriage) he was excited about being a dad. However, 10 months on, whilst the sex is still amazing between us, I feel like he's put a wall up between us. Recently I invited him round for dinner and a movie. I cooked a lovely meal, got wine, candles, and put the movie of his choice on. A romantic setting, huh? Turns out he sat with his arms defensively crossed all evening, avoiding any attempt I made at affection and giving monosyllabic answers. Seemingly incapable of conversation. So I thought... right... that's it he's so not into me. So I will just leave him be. Yet a few days later he talks about making plans to go camping together. WTF? The ONLY time he ever suggests we meet up is at the last minute. I try to explain to him that I need at least a couple of days notice because otherwise I've made other plans. He doesn't seem to get it. The other day I took him out for the afternoon with my dog and we went for a long walk around a lake. At one point it poured with rain and we were huddled under an umbrella. You'd think that would be the ideal moment for two lovers to share a sneaky kiss under the umbrella with nobody else around. But no. Nothing. It broke my heart. Even worse, whenever he greets me, or says goodbye, it's just a quick peck on the cheek. I'm like, WTF? We have amazing sex, and totally passionate in the bedroom, and then he says hello or goodbye with a crappy peck on the cheek! And I notice the 'peck' on the cheek seems to migrate further and further away from my lips! I feel like I have tried everything to make this relationship work.Now I realise all along, it was me doing all the work... It was me saying "can I come over on tuesday?" or "shall we do something at the weekend." You might think, well, that just proves he's not 'that into me' - yet he has introduced me to all his family and friends, and talks about plans for the future. Recently I decided NOT to contact him or make any plans for the weekend because I wanted him to initiate. I didnt hear from him all weekend. And when I finally did get back in touch with him he said "well I was thinking of inviting you over but I didn't hear from you so I thought you didn't want to see me." WTF?! I explained that I felt like it was me doing all the work. He said "it works both ways you know" and yet that was my point... so far the effort has been ALL on my part. When I try to bring it up, he says its just his personality and he's very shy and "keeps himself to himself." He says he's been 'hurt' by girlfriends in the past and so he doesn't want to open up. At first I was sympathetic and understanding. But now its wearing thin. I've been with him nearly a year and proved time and time again that I want the relationship to last. He, however, seems to be in cloud cuckoo land. I'm getting tired of his "poor me, my fiance left me 10 years ago 2 weeks before the wedding, blah blah blah" boo-frickin-hoo. Life moves on. So I keep thinking about ending it. I ignore him for a few days. I figure, if he's just not that into me, that gives him an easy way out. But I think he's waiting for me to end it, so that he can continue to play the 'poor me' card to his family and friends. It will be yet another case of "all girls are the same they are all b***s and this one is no different she broke up with me just like all my other girlfriends. So now I don't know what to do. How do I play this one. He acts like he's not interested (unless in the bedroom) and yet when I ignore him he suddenly gets back in touch. I notice recently he sends me an email every day but now its as if he can't even be bothered to write a message or put a 'xxx' at the end of the message - he just sends me stupid links to youtube videos, with his sister CC'd in. I don't think he is seeing someone else but its possible he has his eye on another girl. But he is super shy so he would never make a move on someone. I don't know. What annoys me is that he always puts the blame on me. He always says "I'm just holding back a bit until I know you are serious about our relationship." What the heck?! 10 months in and he's still saying it! What more am I meant to do?! So he thinks he can just act totally rude towards me and this is meant to make me feel more serious about the relationship? The weird thing is that he always says, "I don't know what you see in me, you are way out of my league." Which really p***s me off because it makes me feel like he's thinking of excuses as to why we shouldn't be together! He is just soooooo negative the whole time. Has anyone experienced something similar? What can I say or do? What the heck is up with his behaviour?
Author lillie_loves Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Yes we are boyfriend and girlfriend. He refers to me as his girlfriend and vice versa. He just seems to have a strange concept of how to act in a relationship :-(
Ripnet Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 You should move on. You can not fix him or hope things will change.
Author lillie_loves Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Yeah he talks about his exes alot. But he's very bitter about it. Its as if he's still not over it. I found out that he still keeps all the letters (in his bedroom drawer!) and stuff that his ex sent him. When we went for a 'romantic walk' around a nearby lake, he started telling me how he went there for his first date with his ex. I even confronted him about it once, I told him, "it seems like you were so in love with her, and even though its years later, you can't let go of her and give your heart to someone else (i.e me)" But then he has said he loves me, but he hasn't said it for a while now. Trouble is when his ex dumped him he went into a massive depression and had a nervous breakdown... if I dump him, he'll probably go into yet another depression and it will be "all my fault". But I can't go on in this relationship, I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall. Unfortunately his parents are very negative and tend to molly coddle him, they always go on about how 'horrible' all his exes were for dumping him but they don't seem to challenge him as to why that is, they treat him as if he was 7 years old not 37. It's weird.
Ripnet Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 He needs therapy not a relationship. It's clear he isn't ready for a relationship.
clia Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 The two of you don't sound compatible. I think you should completely stop contacting him and initiating anything and see what happens. I suspect you will never hear from him again (other than maybe a few You Tube videos). He just doesn't seem invested, and is too wishy washy, wussy, and afraid to move anything forward. (His being hurt in the past isn't your problem.) How long do you intend to wait around for him to do something? You've seen who he is and how he is. You've already wasted ten months with him. Why? You obviously aren't happy and aren't getting what you want from him. I think it is time for you to move on and find someone you are more compatible with.
Author lillie_loves Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Yeh... you are right. He is a 'wuss'..! That is spot-on. I'm not gonna hang around any longer and put up with this kinda behaviour. I deserve better. You are right. He needs therapy. He even mumbled something the other day about having a fear of commitment. And yet the next day he'll be complaining about how none of his relationships ever work out and how all his friends are married with kids by now. I feel like saying, well, d'uh... if you're actively avoiding commitment then of course you'll never find that 'happily ever after'. Men with that kind of mentality just annoy me. He's nearly 40... how much longer is he gonna have a 'fear of commitment'? He'll be lonely forever, with his mum saying "aw poor diddums, all the girls have been so horrid to you". I think I will ignore him and not respond to his stupid emails, and see what happens. What annoys me is that he's so ridiculously wussy. The other day he came round to my house and he didnt even get out of the car and knock on my door - all because there was another car on the driveway (my mums car) and he thought it might be "another man"... jesus christ, man up for heaven sake!
StrongLass Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Based on everything you've said about him? You should drop him like a hot rock. Who wants to listen to a guy whine about his exes all the time? YUCK. Time to find someone who's not living in the past and ACTUALLY ready for a serious relationship, lille loves. 1
Eggplant Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 So now I don't know what to do. How do I play this one. He acts like he's not interested (unless in the bedroom) and yet when I ignore him he suddenly gets back in touch. Here's how you play it: you keep doing what works -- ignore him and wait for him to pursue you. Men in general are programmed to pursue you when you are slightly distant and to push you away when you pursue them.
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