mtnbiker3000 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 100 days of NC and WOW, has it been a wild ride. I will say that although I am still in pain and constantly think about the ex, the RS and the BU, I am much more clearly and decisively able to manage these thoughts and feelings. My eating and sleeping have returned to pretty much normal. And my posting here on LS has decreased. Still pretty tough as I have very little support structure, but I think I have done well with what I have. The 2 biggest hurdles for me have been: 1) Rejection. Never felt it on this scale before and it has been a daily thorn in my side since the BU. Very hard to accept this. Makes me question everything about myself. Self-esteem. Self-confidence. Self-worth. All of it!! I gave it all to this RS. Not always without screwing up, blame or fault. I made mistakes, plenty of them. But this is the first time in my life I left it all out there. I didn't hold anything back. Nothing! And, now it's like none of that was enough. Thanks but no thanks. Very difficult! 2) Beginning vs. the end. Our RS, as I'm sure everyone's is, was pure bliss for a long time. Couldn't stand to be apart. No arguments, no fights. Just smiles, hugs and kisses. Hand holding. Love notes and texts. Trips, dinners. Frequent and good sex. You know… the works. Ah, then the last 6 or 8 months. Complete 180. Distancing, annoyances, irritations, knit-picking and general resentment. Would rather spend time apart. She changed. Big time! As I have mentioned, this scares me moving forward, because, based on the first part of the RS, I thought we were solid. Thought we would be together forever. Never would have guessed it went down the way it did. So, how would I, how could I notice this in the future and avoid it? I really don't want a repeat performance. If you would have told me 2 years ago what would have happened, I wouldn't have believed it. I would have moved forward into the meat grinder smiling the whole time. This scares me. I'm hoping this fear will fade soon, and I will be emotionally available again. BTW - Ex's B-Day is day after tomorrow. Should I text her? Ha… JK!! Never!! No way!! I really don't ever want to see or talk to her again. Ever. 1
aloneinaz Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Ah, then the last 6 or 8 months. Complete 180. Distancing, annoyances, irritations, knit-picking and general resentment. Would rather spend time apart. She changed. Big time! . I'm just curious, 100 days NC and the relationship you acknowledge was bad for the last 6-8 months? What do you feel has caused you to dwell on the relationship for so long? What it your first serious relationship or? I'm not trying to be negative, I'm just curious as to why you wouldn't have moved on and tried to find your next significant other?
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Ah, then the last 6 or 8 months. Complete 180. Distancing, annoyances, irritations, knit-picking and general resentment. Would rather spend time apart. She changed. Big time! . I'm just curious, 100 days NC and the relationship you acknowledge was bad for the last 6-8 months? What do you feel has caused you to dwell on the relationship for so long? What it your first serious relationship or? I'm not trying to be negative, I'm just curious as to why you wouldn't have moved on and tried to find your next significant other? Why dwell for so long? Simple. This was it. She was it. The first 2+ years were fantastic. We were engaged. We lived together. We were everything. Except for the end, she was the best thing that ever happened to me! Developed huge feelings and can't just shut them off. Despite breaking up. Despite the RS crumbling at the end. Really, 100 days doesn't seem too long to me for recovering from a very serious RS. Many people report 6 months or longer, so I don't think I am too far off base. And, it's not race. I will be healed when I am healed. And I want to heal. I do. Not my first LTR or serious RS. But, by far the one I thought I was waiting for. The one I thought would be the last one. And, I am not just 'looking' for a SO. It isn't something that one just searches for a little while and finds. For me, it is more than that. Not sure how to explain this, but there is much more to it. I know some people can just turn around and be done with it. Just jump right back into dating or another RS. Well, not me. This is difficult and takes time.
StraylightRun24 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Keep up the good work mtnbiker! I know how hard it is but you've made a lot of progress in the last 100 days. I really wish I could be in your mindset where of never wanting to talk or see your ex again!
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Keep up the good work mtnbiker! I know how hard it is but you've made a lot of progress in the last 100 days. I really wish I could be in your mindset where of never wanting to talk or see your ex again! It's easy because I resent the way she played with my emotions and how she treated me like a chump at the end. It kind of sucks though because you can't let go and move on while still carrying anger and resentment. Hoping this will fade, then I can truly move on… Still won't contact her or respond if she contact's me. We are not in each others lives any longer and I see no reason to communicate.
OrangeSnack Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 You shouldn't carry any resentment or anger. You are SOOO much better than that. Carrying anger and resentment will only make you weak. What you should really do is kill her with kindness. Make her feel like **** for dumping you but in the end don't go crying back to her or think about getting back together. That's not the point of killing her with kindness. In general, I've learn that we as humans should treat each other with equal respect. I think this is the only healing process for us broken heart individuals. It will only make us stronger and more mature. It will be a pity if she doesn't feel that way. Good luck!
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 You shouldn't carry any resentment or anger. You are SOOO much better than that. Carrying anger and resentment will only make you weak. What you should really do is kill her with kindness. Make her feel like **** for dumping you but in the end don't go crying back to her or think about getting back together. That's not the point of killing her with kindness. In general, I've learn that we as humans should treat each other with equal respect. I think this is the only healing process for us broken heart individuals. It will only make us stronger and more mature. It will be a pity if she doesn't feel that way. Good luck! Meh. Not sure I agree with this. Seriously doubt anything I could do would make her feel like shyte. Seems pretty manipulative as well. Nah, I will work through this on my own. Not contacting or involving her in any way, shape or form. The only thing I will be 'killing' her with is a safe falling from a second story window…
OrangeSnack Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Meh. Not sure I agree with this. Seriously doubt anything I could do would make her feel like shyte. Seems pretty manipulative as well. Nah, I will work through this on my own. Not contacting or involving her in any way, shape or form. The only thing I will be 'killing' her with is a safe falling from a second story window… LOL haha. No i meant, if SHE ever contacts you in the future, don't be a total dick and ignore her like most people. But don't think she's talking to you because she wants you back. Be normal and friendly. I don't think it's manipulative. I just think that it's part of your maturity process. It shows her that you've gotten stronger after the BU and that you've moved on to better and newer things in life! BUs will only make a person stronger, but if you think otherwise, you will pretty much fall flat every time. Just my 2cents
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 LOL haha. No i meant, if SHE ever contacts you in the future, don't be a total dick and ignore her like most people. But don't think she's talking to you because she wants you back. Be normal and friendly. I don't think it's manipulative. I just think that it's part of your maturity process. It shows her that you've gotten stronger after the BU and that you've moved on to better and newer things in life! BUs will only make a person stronger, but if you think otherwise, you will pretty much fall flat every time. Just my 2cents Well, I am sticking to NC, contact from her or not. I just don't feel any communication would be beneficial to either of us. We were LC for weeks after the BU while still living together (that was BRUTAL), so anything that needed to be communicated had a chance then. So, NC for me from now on...
aloneinaz Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 LOL haha. No i meant, if SHE ever contacts you in the future, don't be a total dick and ignore her like most people. But don't think she's talking to you because she wants you back. Be normal and friendly. I don't think it's manipulative. I just think that it's part of your maturity process. It shows her that you've gotten stronger after the BU and that you've moved on to better and newer things in life! BUs will only make a person stronger, but if you think otherwise, you will pretty much fall flat every time. Just my 2cents I don't agree that you need to be friendly nor take her call, reply to a text or an email. What's the point? Be normal and friendly to someone who told you she didn't want you in her life any further and wanted to find someone else? There should be no reason to contact him. There's no chance for "friendship", so any contact from her would be to stir the pot, see if he'd reply or answer and to possibly assuage her guilt for being a POS when she ended it. 2
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 I don't agree that you need to be friendly nor take her call, reply to a text or an email. What's the point? Be normal and friendly to someone who told you she didn't want you in her life any further and wanted to find someone else? There should be no reason to contact him. There's no chance for "friendship", so any contact from her would be to stir the pot, see if he'd reply or answer and to possibly assuage her guilt for being a POS when she ended it. Exactly. We had weeks of LC to say any and everything that needed to or should have been said. No further need for any communication what so ever as far as I am concerned. Anyway, I seriously doubt I will ever here from her again, and I am cool with that. 100 days down and ?? more to go 2
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 BTW - Anyone want to speak to my 2 hurdles mentioned in the OP? These have been on my mind for a while and I wonder if others feel these as well???
aloneinaz Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 BTW - Anyone want to speak to my 2 hurdles mentioned in the OP? These have been on my mind for a while and I wonder if others feel these as well??? You've mentioned rejection frequently during your posts. None of us like it. Some are better at blowing it off. I think it comes down to how you view yourself, your self confidence, self esteem, etc... I did outside sales for a year. Talk about rejection. You might get one deal for every 8 calls you make. What I learned about it was, you can't take it personal. When we feel rejected we have FALSE conversations with ourself in our mind. We always blow it WAY more out of proportion than need be. I've dated some women who were 8' or 9's. OMG, talk about insecure about their appearance. So, everyone has their own insecurities they deal with whether they are a 5 or a 9 in looks. When we get dumped, we feel feel rejected and it messes with our self confidence. What we fail to remember is we were able to have a relationship with them so they liked our appearance and personalities. Time goes by and peoples feelings change. When the end it, it doesn't mean they think we're suddenly not attractive anymore or our personalities are terrible. It means that they feel that the relationship or trial period is over and they don't see a long term fit. I think a lot of dumpee's take it way too personal. 1
BustedUpInside Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 BTW - Anyone want to speak to my 2 hurdles mentioned in the OP? These have been on my mind for a while and I wonder if others feel these as well??? Sometimes, it is like you and a few others on this site are stealing pages out of my diary. I have totally had a hard time dealing with the rejection. It was especially hard for me because this was the first relationship that I didn't have a Plan B for. All my previous relationships I always had an exit strategy whether I was the dumper or the dumpee. With this relationship, I really thought it was the last one I would ever be in. I didn't know if we would get married, but I thought we would grow old together and the only way it was going to end was if one of us died. To put this kind of effort in and then have the other person, my support, my partner, my backup, my best friend, and my most trusted confidante reject this notion and then decide that it wasn't the future he wanted and abruptly say that I wasn't what he wanted either was crushing. It has been the hardest thing to get over. Is that sort of what you meant?
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 You've mentioned rejection frequently during your posts. None of us like it. Some are better at blowing it off. I think it comes down to how you view yourself, your self confidence, self esteem, etc... I did outside sales for a year. Talk about rejection. You might get one deal for every 8 calls you make. What I learned about it was, you can't take it personal. When we feel rejected we have FALSE conversations with ourself in our mind. We always blow it WAY more out of proportion than need be. I've dated some women who were 8' or 9's. OMG, talk about insecure about their appearance. So, everyone has their own insecurities they deal with whether they are a 5 or a 9 in looks. When we get dumped, we feel feel rejected and it messes with our self confidence. What we fail to remember is we were able to have a relationship with them so they liked our appearance and personalities. Time goes by and peoples feelings change. When the end it, it doesn't mean they think we're suddenly not attractive anymore or our personalities are terrible. It means that they feel that the relationship or trial period is over and they don't see a long term fit. I think a lot of dumpee's take it way too personal. Ha!! I've been in and out of sales my whole working life and I know what ya mean about being rejected. This, however, was very different. It hit me on a whole other level. Just been very hard to deal with. BTW - 1 in 8? That's nothing. Try like 1 in 50 or more... You're right about the fact that there must have been something along the way that made her want to be with me. But what sucks is as we moved further and further from the rose-colored glasses of the HS, she seemed to be attracted to me less and less. And to add to the crushing blow at the end, she mentioned some stupid petty things that made me feel even worse. Just shallow crap that should even bother me, but it just added to the rejection because it did make me feel non-attractive and like my personality sucks. I know this isn't true. I know I am pretty good looking and have a solid personality. I know this!! But when that person states it, somehow it feels true. I just put so much into the ex that I gave her way too much power over my life and how I felt. As I stated, I made this the biggest and most significant event in my life. I did this to myself. I wanted this, as I have never had it. Slowly getting past it, and will never let that happen again.
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 To put this kind of effort in and then have the other person, my support, my partner, my backup, my best friend, and my most trusted confidante reject this notion and then decide that it wasn't the future he wanted and abruptly say that I wasn't what he wanted either was crushing. It has been the hardest thing to get over. Is that sort of what you meant? Yes, this is exactly what I mean. It sucks because when you think about a RS, these are the things you would think it is all about. Things you want and aspire to achieve. Love, trust, sharing, investment, support, etc... But be warned, those are the same things that will knock you down and stomp on your face when you least expect it. Scary!!! I guess there is a balance? Or just avoid this level of commitment? I dunno... I just thought this was it. I thought I had it. Maybe that's whats really bothering me. How far off I was on what I thought this RS really was?? I guess it wasn't that after all
aloneinaz Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 And to add to the crushing blow at the end, she mentioned some stupid petty things that made me feel even worse. Just shallow crap that should even bother me, but it just added to the rejection because it did make me feel non-attractive and like my personality sucks. I know this isn't true. I know I am pretty good looking and have a solid personality. Just you saying that she was a classless *itch at the end should only reinforce that she wasn't the right person for you and to not take her feedback to heart. Be glad that you're not STUCK with this woman, married and with kids! YIKES. That's when you have to love Karma..
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Yeah, I can use the end of the RS to gain strength and move forward and have been doing just that. The way she acted was lame and unnecessary. She wasn't the same person I knew and fell in love with. BUT, the problem is that my brain also goes back to the all of the great times and those are hard to think about. Those keep me in place or even set me back. Yes, deep down I know things would have been way worse if we kept heading down the same path, so really she did me a huge favor. Just hard to always keep that perspective in place opposed to feeling bad about what was lost. Just a back and forth. Hence, hurdle #2 in OP...
hoping2heal Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I don't want you to learn that you should avoid deep commitments from this experience. I know you said she just did a 180 and changed but is there really no explanation whatsoever for this? I have a hard time believing she was this great partner to you and for seemingly no reason she just changed herself out of the clear blue sky. There's got to be something?
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 I don't want you to learn that you should avoid deep commitments from this experience. I know you said she just did a 180 and changed but is there really no explanation whatsoever for this? I have a hard time believing she was this great partner to you and for seemingly no reason she just changed herself out of the clear blue sky. There's got to be something? Agreed. I don't want to be emotionally unavailable for much longer either. And, when I read your statement and think about it, I'd say it was more of a tipping point scenario rather than a complete 180. It's just like all of the little things between us just built and built until she decided it was enough. And she probably decided it a while before it came out in the open, so it seemed like a 180, but in reality it was more of a slow grind that culminated in a drastic event (to me). I think a big part of the breakdown in our RS happened when we both lost our teaching jobs in a large city and moved 300 miles to a small city, where we had no friends or family and no support structure other than each other. She is also 10 years younger than me and I think even though she seemed ready to settle down in the beginning, I believe she realized she wasn't, but I still was. Probably lot's of other things too...
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