apex80 Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 Hi all, I really need some good advice right now... no-one else to turn to. Ok a little over a month ago my partner of over 3 years left me. We have been living together for just over a year now. Her reasons for leaving me varied so much, she told me everything from it was things that I had done, that it wasnt my fault that she had changed, that is was me that had changed, then she just simply said she didnt love me anymore. We didnt really sit down and talk about things properly, she wouldnt. She simple came back got her stuff and left without a hint as to where she was going. I am more than willing to hold up my hands and take my fair share of the blame for what happened as I got obsessed with work, but the obsession sprung out of my love for her, I wanted us to have the BEST we could. The problem is she has been suffering from depression this last 3 to 4 months due to things in her past, I can see that the medication she was taking was having a negetive effect, but no-one else saw it happening on a day to day basis. She was becoming very snappy with everyone, she became paranoid beyond belief. One week before she left she told my sister that she was affraid that I was going to leave her, less than 5 days later she leaves saying she doesnt love me anymore.... Her family dont help as they are VERY controlling of her, I asked one of my family to contact her mum as I had post for her here, they also owed me money for things she took from my house when she left. They didnt pay up so in the end I told them to give the money to my 'ex' to help her on her way. When I asked for a forwarding address to send on her post they wouldnt let me have one, simply said they didnt think I needed it. They are making all her decisions, and she doesnt see it happening, even more so now whilst she is suffering from depression. I know roughly what area she has moved into.. ive made very little effort to conact her, maybe 3 txt mssgs since she left. Two were to do with important post she had and one I admit was a drunken rambling of how much she meant to me. We share mutual friends and so far she has ignored all of thier calls, calls they were making out of concern for her. Im stuck... do I try and find her, or do I leave her to it? If I didnt know about her telling my sister that she was scared I would leave I would be able to accept that she 'Doesnt love me anymore', but that coupled with the depression and the bad reaction to the medication, I am left being the only one that knows how much of a state she is in. I will be openly honest that I am finding it VERY hard to deal with, one reason why I have decided to post on this board. The problem is she has ignored my txts, even the one to tell her not to worry about the money. She has shut me and everyone I know out of her life, even the people that have been so very good to her in the past. She is a ticking timebomb waiting to explode and I feel completly powerless to do anything. Ive tried to tell her friends but obviously they didnt want to accept what I told them as they helped her move away.... I really dont know what to do and im stuck out here on my own. We moved into this area together to start 'a fresh' I have one friend who is moving away to France in a few weeks, once he leaves I will have no-one my own age around here.... i really am so lost. What do I do?
Mr Spock Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 It really sounds to me that you've done all you can do. Her family and friends are there now-short of speaking to her therapist (if she has one)there's no one left to TELL that you're worried. There comes a point in this where you need to ask yourself "What about ME?" what about you? You seem to have spent so much time worrying about her and her problems that there isn't a lot of what you want, your needs, in your own post. You were so focused on attaining the finer things that you hardly have a life-and now the big part of that is out of there. You've done what you can. I would think it would be a good idea for you not to keep calling or messaging her, her family or her friends. If she wanted to contact you she would. Her family knows where she is. Her friends know where she is. Maybe you also need to accept the fact that she doesn't WANT to hear from you again. Depression, or no. Perhaps she's happier without you.
whichwayisup Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 Hey Apex. Remember no matter what you thought you may have done, it really isn't you. Depression is a monster and destroys lives. It has taken her away from herself and because of that, she's lost. She has to get to therapy, work on herself and get better. The fact she has pushed everyone away is a sign that she isn't well either, the depression is bad. If you love her and want her in your life, then FIGHT for her, even though she is pushing you away. This isn't her, the person you fell inlove with, it's a person who is not well and lost herself! Don't give up if she is what you want. Be patient with her, show her you're still around but give her space. Be a friend for now. Keep posting and good luck!!
Author apex80 Posted October 15, 2004 Author Posted October 15, 2004 This is my problem..... I dont know wether to go find her, im talking serious snooping around as I have NO idea where she is staying, just that she is in a particular area. The last time she came back she told be 'I cant come back again', which I felt was a bit of an odd thing to say, what did she meen by that, did she say it without realising? She had been coming back into the house when I wasnt there to get things, no word or anything. This just isnt how she is. If like she said she 'Didnt love me anymore' would this also cut off all her sense of common manners, IE at least tell me if your going to come into MY house, which effectivly it had become as she chose to leave. When she did come back the last time to get things she was VERY cold, no emotion at all. She ignored my mum who she was close to, she didnt even say thanks to the friends we both shared that came over to help her pack up her things. If I hadnt have gone outside by chance she was just about to drive off with her sister (who is one evil manipulative cow) without a single word! WOOSH gone like that, no goodbye or anything. That just isnt how she normally is. From what her 'friends' have since told me it turns out she was trying to get them to go out on nights out all the time, even though she knew not to drink on the medication she was trying to nearly every night. About a month before she left she blew her top with me in public BIGTIME just because I wasnt sitting in my chair properlly! We then forgot about it and moved on, only for her to walk of with her friend (who I might point out is a good 10 years older, we are both 25) about 45 mins later without saying a thing to me. Shes just NOT right at all...
dorothys Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 Hello Apex80, I am in a smilar situation with my ex-fiancee. One day after having the best night of our lives he annouces that whe needs space and moves out. Since then he has gained major weight, and aged about 10yrs. We have only been broke up for 3mths. At first he promised once he got help for his depression, and got himself together he would be back. Well, he lied. He saw a doctor for a couple of times, but then stopped. Instead of getting the space he needs he moved in with his mom who has only added to his problems. The other day we were talking on the phone and he mentioned that he was thinking about just moving out of state, and not telling anyone. That meant me or his family. He also has a daughter with his ex-wife, and he would abandon her too. One day he is concerned father and the next he wants to leave everything behind. What makes it worse is that he is making promises to my daughter ( he raised her since 1yr old). But, he never keeps them. My daughter is hurt because daddy won't come home or let her visit him. In depression, there really aren't any winners. Maybe it is bad to say, becuase I really love him. But, I don't miss the emotional turmoil that he would put my family through. And this is hard for me to admit, because we have a 18 yr history. All I can advise is for you to take care of yourself and your needs, but continue to be her friend. Hopefully, when she gets help, she will realize what a good thing she has in you .
whichwayisup Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 It's not about you...It's about her and her only right now. She is not herself, this is the depression talking and the 'depressed' person she has turned into. Ofcourse it's not like her not to say goodbye but it's out of her hands right now. She needs help, therapy, meds - anything to get her back on track. Don't give up on her. Find her somehow! That is if this is what you want. Good luck!
Author apex80 Posted October 16, 2004 Author Posted October 16, 2004 Thanks for all your help guys, much appriciated! Im at a loss about how to go about this now, do I go find her, or do I try to call? I havent tried to call her at all except for when I needed to tell her somthing to do with her bank. We last spoke face to face over 3 weeks ago, but that was only to meet up to get my key back, I didnt ask her anything then as she really didnt want to be around me :-( ive not done anything to scare her or frighten her, I guess its just the depression.
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