Things are not the same

[MMY]

Things are not the same

 

My W and I are trying to work on our marriage after an A was discovered on my behalf. I am 3 months removed from a EA/PA and although my w is doing her best for us to move on, I am the one who can't get the A out of my head. The A lasted 18 mths.

 

It is hard for me to even kiss her. she wants to but I just don't feel right.

 

I keep answering my own question the (Time) is needed.

 

Anyway thanks for any comments.

[Owl]

Things are not the same

 

My W and I are trying to work on our marriage after an A was discovered on my behalf. I am 3 months removed from a EA/PA and although my w is doing her best for us to move on, I am the one who can't get the A out of my head. The A lasted 18 mths.

 

It is hard for me to even kiss her. she wants to but I just don't feel right.

 

I keep answering my own question the (Time) is needed.

 

Anyway thanks for any comments.

 

Actually, time isn't the only answer.

 

First off...your wife will have to eventually choose to reconcile with you. It may take days/weeks/months...or never. It sounds as though she may have already chosen to do so.

 

Second...you have to choose to work on your marriage. THIS seems to still be missing. If you don't want to reconcile...then why are you still there? If it doesn't feel right to kiss her, if you're not willing to work on forgiveness and rebuilding what you had...then time to end it.

 

If/when you ever decide to work on the marriage...and assuming she still wants to at that point...that's when the REAL work begins. Working through the issues that led to your choice to cheat...working on the issues and damages created by your affair...typically require a lot of effort on both parts, over the course of months/years.

 

Time isn't the only answer. The first step is for you to make a choice, and act on it.

 

Nothing CAN improve until you make that happen.

[JustAReformedGirl]

The affair lasted for quite awhile, so it's only understandable that it's going to take more time for you to heal.

 

I imagine the difficult part is, you need to grieve and acknowledge your grief, but you feel as though you shouldn't, because you were the WS, and your wife is similarly going through her own healing process.

 

Have you guys been going to MC, or IC at all? I would suggest you do one or both, if you don't think you can talk to your wife about what you're feeling.

 

On one hand, I could see her being upset by this, and given the nature of the beast, she'd be somewhat justified in that.

 

But, on the other hand, if she is committed to reconciling, she needs to understand you have a right to grieve just as much as she does. From what I recall of your original story, this was more than just a physical ordeal. Emotions were deeply involved; therefore, you need to be able to express your feelings, see them for what they are, and then, the true healing can begin.

 

This is just IMHO, of course. I merely speak from how I'd feel and what I would need to do, in the same situation.

[carhill]

It's healthy that you recognize that things are not the same. Each time we make a choice, we change 'things'. Accept that and move on. If you're 'stuck', engage a psychological professional to help you. You're very fortunate to have a spouse who's willing to work with you. Make it count. Good luck.

[Realist3]

Things are not the same

 

My W and I are trying to work on our marriage after an A was discovered on my behalf. I am 3 months removed from a EA/PA and although my w is doing her best for us to move on, I am the one who can't get the A out of my head. The A lasted 18 mths.

 

It is hard for me to even kiss her. she wants to but I just don't feel right.

 

I keep answering my own question the (Time) is needed.

 

Anyway thanks for any comments.

 

 

This is the other side that rarely gets discussed here very often. Kudos.

 

Unfortunately, I don't have much in the way of advice to give you. Just because something gets interrupted doesn't mean the feelings stop.

[Owl]

This is the other side that rarely gets discussed here very often. Kudos.

 

Unfortunately, I don't have much in the way of advice to give you. Just because something gets interrupted doesn't mean the feelings stop.

 

This is true, and I'll agree that it's something not often discussed or addressed here on LS.

 

I recognized that my wife was going to be hurt and angry when (in effect) I caused her affair to end.

 

She had to grieve the end of that relationship, and I understood that even if I didn't like it. And I, in full light of that knowledge, gave her time and space in order to mourn the end of the relationship with him...even though it hurt like hell.

 

But very few folks think things through that well, or that rationally, especially in light of the emotional situation that they find themselves in.

 

On the flip side of this, you may be forced to make a decision sooner than you would like. Your wife may not wait around forever for you to 'get over her'.

 

A balance will likely have to be found in here, if there is to be a reconciliation.

 

Your need to grieve vs your wife's desire to reconcile.

[janedoe67]

This is something I discussed with my IC and a close same gender friend who was empathetic but who I knew would keep me on the straight and narrow. That way I did not have to pour it all out to my already hurting BS. Withdrawal is real and painful....but it can be overcome.

 

What things about your wife are you grateful for? What kind of non-kissing things does she like (like small gifts, help with housework, lunch dates etc) that you can do for her? Can you bring yourself to at least hug her for several seconds at a time several times a day? You might have to do these things as an act of the will for awhile.

 

What are you doing to make amends and become trustworthy to your wife again?

[MMY]

I appreciate the responses. It does help talking and listening. I do know that I am VERY fortunate that I have a W that is willing to work things out.

 

I know this sounds weird but I wish she would have thrown something,,, she was very hurt but only mad for a VERY short period of time.

 

We have gone to a MC and it has helped along with reading some books.

 

I need to look at my W in a different light. I need to clear my mind and give her that same raw emotion that I gave the AP. As with a MC, a lot of what I am saying I am saying to myself and it helps.

 

Thanks

[PhoenixRise]

You may find yourself surprised by things being thrown at you down the road a bit.

 

For some BS the true anger comes many months into the reconciliation and sometimes it seems to come out of nowhere.

 

Some BS are so thrown off by the enormity of the affair that there isn't room for anger until they get their balance back.

[MMY]

This is something I discussed with my IC and a close same gender friend who was empathetic but who I knew would keep me on the straight and narrow. That way I did not have to pour it all out to my already hurting BS. Withdrawal is real and painful....but it can be overcome.

 

What things about your wife are you grateful for? What kind of non-kissing things does she like (like small gifts, help with housework, lunch dates etc) that you can do for her? Can you bring yourself to at least hug her for several seconds at a time several times a day? You might have to do these things as an act of the will for awhile.

She does like for me to help and we both enjoy having projects around the house to do together. We do kiss, hug, hold hands along with other things but right now it is ME!!! This is going to sound so bad on my behalf but I could kiss my AP for hours with such passion and excitement. It (at this point) is not the same at home. She is willing and I am trying, it is all in my head at this point.

 

What are you doing to make amends and become trustworthy to your wife again?

I am spending more time with her. Calling or Txting more so she knows where I am. She hasn't asked me to do that but it is something that I need to do more of. Edited June 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MMY]

You may find yourself surprised by things being thrown at you down the road a bit.

 

For some BS the true anger comes many months into the reconciliation and sometimes it seems to come out of nowhere.

 

Some BS are so thrown off by the enormity of the affair that there isn't room for anger until they get their balance back.

 

I agree with you. It is a little unsettling how she has moved forward so quick. In the books I have read it says she needs to get mad.

 

She has never been the type to ask questions or have deep talks about things in the past. She has never asked who or how many women I have slept with and we have been married for 21 years.

 

I say that to point out that if everything is going smooth she is happy and if it isn't she want to figure out how to get it smooth as quickly as possible

Edited June 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed bold formatting

[PhoenixRise]

I agree with you. It is a little unsettling how she has moved forward so quick. In the books I have read it says she needs to get mad.

She has never been the type to ask questions or have deep talks about things in the past. She has never asked who or how many women I have slept with and we have been married for 21 years.

I say that to point out that if everything is going smooth she is happy and if it isn't she want to figure out how to get it smooth as quickly as possible

 

I see. Dday feels like a bomb has gone off in your living room. At first, the impulse to just clean up the damage without risking the whole structure falling in can be pretty strong.

 

Do you want to have deep talks with your wife? If you do, have you told her this? For me, deep talks mean you both are willing to speak the truth and hear the truth, even if it hurts. Ask for from her this if that's what you want.

 

 

Why does your wife think you cheated?

 

Does she know your real reasons why?

 

Why did you opt to stay in your marriage and try to reconcile?

[MMY]

Do you want to have deep talks with your wife? We have had deep talks about the whole thing. Of where WE dropped the ball and how my A started and why it happened. If you do, have you told her this? For me, deep talks mean you both are willing to speak the truth and hear the truth, even if it hurts. Ask for from her this if that's what you want.

 

 

Why does your wife think you cheated? Because of our disconnect, needs on both sides not being met. Same routine, her focus on the kids (good thing) but lack of focus on us.

 

Does she know your real reasons why? Yes, we have talked about it in detail

 

Why did you opt to stay in your marriage and try to reconcile? At first I didn't, I wanted out (first reaction after getting caught). I felt the only reason was for my 16 year old son. My 18 year old daughter and I have NO relationship (big reason for some of my problems) but I also had fear of being alone or starting over. I also knew that the A was built off of lie's so I don't know if it would have worked out but I also didn't want to give up the very thing (A) that caused me to breath again. I know that things have happened and if I can just get over this A in my head things will get better..

[ladydesigner]

but I also didn't want to give up the very thing (A) that caused me to breath again.

 

What about your wife's breathing, did you think that maybe she too may have needed a breath. Instead you took her breath away like a gasp for air.

 

I don't believe reconciliation can happen until the AP has left the M and the WS's head. I know for a fact that if my WH waivered in his decision I was going to make it for him. I also am not willing to tolerate any "getting over the A partner" over here. More like get over her or GTFO!

[JustAReformedGirl]

What about your wife's breathing, did you think that maybe she too may have needed a breath. Instead you took her breath away like a gasp for air.

 

I don't believe reconciliation can happen until the AP has left the M and the WS's head. I know for a fact that if my WH waivered in his decision I was going to make it for him. I also am not willing to tolerate any "getting over the A partner" over here. More like get over her or GTFO!

 

Why don't you just cut out the middleman, and say you would not bother with reconciliation? I'm sorry, but if his wife agreed to reconciling, that means coming to terms with what has occurred, and forgiving him.

 

If he is expected to repress the grieving process, do you really think that will help the marriage? No, it won't, and you know that. If he can't grieve, he can't heal; if he can't heal, he can't get over the AP, and recon goes right out the flipping window.

 

Honestly, if you have such an aggressive standpoint, how can you say what you'd do in that situation? You clearly are not the type to reconcile, so your premise is flawed.

Edited June 24, 2013 by Rebel-Dynasty

[waterwoman]

Why don't you just cut out the middleman, and say you would not bother with reconciliation? I'm sorry, but if his wife agreed to reconciling, that means coming to terms with what has occurred, and forgiving him.

 

If he is expected to repress the grieving process, do you really think that will help the marriage? No, it won't, and you know that. If he can't grieve, he can't heal; if he can't heal, he can't get over the AP, and recon goes right out the flipping window.

 

Honestly, if you have such an aggressive standpoint, how can you say what you'd do in that situation? You clearly are not the type to reconcile, so your premise is flawed.

 

Wow! So if she has decided to allow her cheating h to reconcile she has to be the one to suck it up? Forgiveness doesn't happen that easily. You can't just forgive any more than a WS can forget his AP. Reconciliation just goes out the window that way too. Please try not to see things in such a one-sided manner! Can you not see how hurt a BS is after an affAir is exposed? And they have to witness their spouse mooning over a lost love? Of course their is sorrow, of course it will be hard but both parties must be understanding and respectful of each other, and the BS is the innocent party who asked for none of this.

 

BTW I think you may have made some incorrect assumptions about ladyd.

[Oberfeldwebel]

You wish she would be mad and through you out. This is to justify the guilt for what you have done. If she looses control and throws you out you can say, well I tried, but she could not forgive me. Instead she wants to work it out, she wants you to repent, she is giving you the easy street, but you won't accept her offer. Instead you rebuff her offer. You do not wish to show affection to your wife as it would be cheating on your affair partner. The pity is that the affair is a fantasy and the love of a good woman is right in front of you and you are both too foolish and selfish to accept her offer.

 

All I know of this situation is what you have given her, so I don't pretend to know the nuances of the marriage (has she strayed, is this your first time, what is her contribution, etc). I would encourage you to look deep within yourself and make a command decision to stay or go. If you are going to stay then you need to do some very heavy lifting. You ran this marriage in the ditch, you need get it back on the straight and narrow path. This includes transparency, counselling and doing those things that support your wife (affection, listening, supporting her). If all you are going to do is mope around lamenting the relationship that never was, then get out and let her move on to a better life. You owe that to her.

[ladydesigner]

If he is expected to repress the grieving process, do you really think that will help the marriage? No, it won't, and you know that. If he can't grieve, he can't heal; if he can't heal, he can't get over the AP, and recon goes right out the flipping window

 

To be honest a BS should never have to go through watching their WS's grieve over someone else, but that is me.

 

Aggressive standpoint...maybe. I'm not tolerating it in my M though. Tough sh*t.

[ladydesigner]

If all you are going to do is mope around lamenting the relationship that never was, then get out and let her move on to a better life. You owe that to her.

 

Ok this was said much better than the way I said it.

[Spark1111]

Well I threw him out and wished them well, changed the locks, called the divorce attorney and then led my life.

 

unbeknownst to me, he moved in with her and it lasted all of three weeks. hey, guess what? there were screamingly kids and chaos there too!

 

No undivided attention, lots of drama and tons of turmoil.

 

So he moved into an hotel and started missing us both. he missed the fantasy of her, what he experienced during the affair, and the reality of me.

 

that's not aggressive. that's kicking someone off the fence and forcing a choice for one partner or the other.

 

We all have lives to lead no?

 

Initially I believe my H wanted it all to go back the way it was; spouse and family with OW on the side.

 

How selfish of him!

[Sadwife37]

I know everyone's response to betrayal is different. I do get that. Everyone will not feel the weight and meaning behind the betrayal that I felt. And some people will deal with it and not personalize it.

 

But your wife has moved on quickly. She doesn't ask who or HOW MANY people you had affairs with???? This clearly sounds like more than one A partner.

And your wife doesn't want to know???

 

Have you even given her the whole truth? Personally, I can't imagine a greater devastation than I experienced on D Day. The man I loved, the man I truly believed loved me and would forever have my back and protect me, had tossed me aside and totally betrayed me. I would have trusted him with my life. He lied. He cheated. He deceived. He risked his family. He was willing to toss it away. The discovery broke me into a thousand pieces. 18 months later and I still struggle.

 

Perhaps it hasn't really hit your wife yet. Or has she always known? Was it truly a shock that shook her world or did she know you we're being unfaithful and decided to live with it?

And for you, What you describe is very different than what my H experienced. After D Day the first time I really kissed him he kissed me back with more passion and feeling than I had ever felt before. He kissed me like he was afraid he may never get to kiss me again. He held me and kissed me and sobbed. Not for one moment has his actions since D Day or his physical response to me made me feel like he was thinking about OW or missing her more than he wanted to be with me. In his case at least D Day was his turning point. He realized what a horrible path he was on and changed it. He close me 100%. For me, if he had not been able to kiss me or wanted to kiss me, there is zero chance that I would have chosen R. But again, that is just me and I am no expert.

I hope you are able to come together and find intimacy again and successfully R. My H made the mistake of allowing an A to entire our lives but I believe we are going to survive it. Good luck.

[JustAReformedGirl]

To be honest a BS should never have to go through watching their WS's grieve over someone else, but that is me.

 

Aggressive standpoint...maybe. I'm not tolerating it in my M though. Tough sh*t.

 

In that case, the point I was making is that you likely wouldn't even bother with reconciling, then. Therefore, your input didn't really match up with MMY's situation. That's all I'm saying. What you do and don't do in your marriage isn't my concern.

[Spotme]

You don't say anywhere, that I saw, that you love your wife. Do you? Or are you staying out of fear of being alone? What happened to the OW? I very much wonder if your wife is afraid of being alone as well if she's making it so easy. Or maybe she really loves you.

[MMY]

You wish she would be mad and through you out. This is to justify the guilt for what you have done. True, If she looses control and throws you out you can say, well I tried, but she could not forgive me. Instead she wants to work it out, she wants you to repent, she is giving you the easy street, but you won't accept her offer. Instead you rebuff her offer. You do not wish to show affection to your wife as it would be cheating on your affair partner. The pity is that the affair is a fantasy and the love of a good woman is right in front of you and you are both too foolish and selfish to accept her offer.

 

All I know of this situation is what you have given her, so I don't pretend to know the nuances of the marriage (has she strayed, is this your first time, what is her contribution, etc). I would encourage you to look deep within yourself and make a command decision to stay or go. If you are going to stay then you need to do some very heavy lifting. You ran this marriage in the ditch, you need get it back on the straight and narrow path. This includes transparency, counselling and doing those things that support your wife (affection, listening, supporting her). If all you are going to do is mope around lamenting the relationship that never was, then get out and let her move on to a better life. You owe that to her.

Thanks and I agree. I said before that I have to move past the A and I am trying, she is trying. This has never happened before and I hope it never happens again. There are plenty of fears and unknowns and she and I have always faced them together. I have been upfront with her. She knows I had feelings for the AP, I just need to do as good of job moving on as she is.

[ladydesigner]

In that case, the point I was making is that you likely wouldn't even bother with reconciling, then. Therefore, your input didn't really match up with MMY's situation. That's all I'm saying. What you do and don't do in your marriage isn't my concern.

 

I understand your point of view coming from being an AP, BUT and I'll say it again that Reconciliation cannot happen until OW is out of the picture and out of the WS's head. If you are still pinning for an AP it means you are not working on your M and you are not supporting the BS in any way because I'm sure they feel the emotional distance.

 

I am in R by the way and have been in false R before, which is why I am so adamant about not Reconciling right away. Reconciliation to me means moving forward with all the information and cards on the table and both people need to be 100% committed to it. Both people, including the WS, need to basically start over again in a new marriage as the old one is dead, at least mine is.

 

It is very painful for a BS to witness a WS withdraw from an AP. Excruciating pain that no one should have to go through.