Issues to discuss/ resolve before cohabitation

[lucy_in_disguise]

Looking for some input from the married folks on my situation.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. We are late 20's/ early 30's and it's a pretty serious relationship.

 

In the past I had a roommate but "practically" lived with him in his 1 bedroom apartment. Recently I have purchased a condo big enough for 2.

 

He was not really involved in the condo search/ purchase. I wanted to buy while the market was down and interest rates were low, but he didn't really share in my enthusiasm for finding a sweet deal (which I did).

 

Fast forward several months and we are talking about moving in. The logical choice would be for him to move in with me.

 

I love him and it would be great to live together but I feel like we are not ready despite the length of the relationship. I don't know if I am being unreasonable but I don't feel comfortable moving in until we are on the same page about what that means. I don't want a roommate and would expect him to act like we're in it for the long haul if he moves in. To me this means any issues with the condo are both our problem (vs I am the landlord and he is paying me rent) and there is a timeline for marriage/ kids.

 

Re: marriage, that is not something we have ever discussed in detail. Currently he has a job that he hates and I feel like until he has his career sorted out, im not sure I can commit. That has been a point of contention between us for almost the entire length of the relationship. I don't bring it up often but have made it clear that I need a man who has some goals/ knows what he wants to do with his life. He has been "working on his resume" for 2 years.

 

What are your thoughts on how to proceed in this relationship? I'm at a point in my life where I'm looking for something serious (I want kids soon) and would like to move this relationship along. However I don't feel comfortable moving alOng with all the unsorted issues.

[carhill]

I love him and it would be great to live together but I feel like we are not ready despite the length of the relationship.

 

Why do you feel you are not ready? Focus on yourself.

 

What are your thoughts on how to proceed in this relationship?

 

Enjoy your new condo purchase (congrats! ) and accept that you cannot control him or his job satisfaction or focus on goals in life, etc, etc. Either you find synergy or you don't. If you get to the point of having a concrete timeline for creating a family and he isn't on the same page, then, as our MC wisely stated, you have a decision to make.

[Nyla]

Looking for some input from the married folks on my situation.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. We are late 20's/ early 30's and it's a pretty serious relationship.

 

In the past I had a roommate but "practically" lived with him in his 1 bedroom apartment. Recently I have purchased a condo big enough for 2.

 

He was not really involved in the condo search/ purchase. I wanted to buy while the market was down and interest rates were low, but he didn't really share in my enthusiasm for finding a sweet deal (which I did).

 

Fast forward several months and we are talking about moving in. The logical choice would be for him to move in with me.

 

I love him and it would be great to live together but I feel like we are not ready despite the length of the relationship. I don't know if I am being unreasonable but I don't feel comfortable moving in until we are on the same page about what that means. I don't want a roommate and would expect him to act like we're in it for the long haul if he moves in. To me this means any issues with the condo are both our problem (vs I am the landlord and he is paying me rent) and there is a timeline for marriage/ kids.

 

Re: marriage, that is not something we have ever discussed in detail. Currently he has a job that he hates and I feel like until he has his career sorted out, im not sure I can commit. That has been a point of contention between us for almost the entire length of the relationship. I don't bring it up often but have made it clear that I need a man who has some goals/ knows what he wants to do with his life. He has been "working on his resume" for 2 years.

 

What are your thoughts on how to proceed in this relationship? I'm at a point in my life where I'm looking for something serious (I want kids soon) and would like to move this relationship along. However I don't feel comfortable moving alOng with all the unsorted issues.

 

It is perfectly fine not to want to make a commitment and it is great that you see some of the issues before moving in together.

 

Don't move the relationship forward until the issues are resolved in a satisfactory manner or break up with your boyfriend to find someone who wants what you do.

 

You don't want to wait too long and waste too much time, especially with someone who isn't ambitious or assertive.

[Silly_Girl]

Sounds like some fundamental compatibility issues... If it is that - are you prepared to cut your losses and move on without him?

[Balzac]

To me this means any issues with the condo are both our problem (vs I am the landlord and he is paying me rent)

 

Are you living in USA?

[Eggplant]

Re: marriage, that is not something we have ever discussed in detail. Currently he has a job that he hates and I feel like until he has his career sorted out, im not sure I can commit. That has been a point of contention between us for almost the entire length of the relationship. I don't bring it up often but have made it clear that I need a man who has some goals/ knows what he wants to do with his life. He has been "working on his resume" for 2 years.

Accept him for what he is now, unsorted career and all, or move on. Never attempt to change a man. Women ALWAYS make this mistake. You cannot change a man. It's been 2 years. You don't want to marry him. Break up already.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Are you living in USA?

 

Yes.. Why do you ask?

[lucy_in_disguise]

Accept him for what he is now, unsorted career and all, or move on. Never attempt to change a man. Women ALWAYS make this mistake. You cannot change a man. It's been 2 years. You don't want to marry him. Break up already.

 

I understand what you're saying, but on the other hand, I see many examples from my own life where men changed due to a woman's nagging/ ultimatum. Granted, I have never been good at nagging, but perhaps if I were firmer in communicatin my expectations, he would get his sthi together already? Even if that's not he case, shouldn't I try the communication route before throwing in the towel on an otherwise good relationship?

[lucy_in_disguise]

Sounds like some fundamental compatibility issues... If it is that - are you prepared to cut your losses and move on without him?

 

I'm not sure. I have had these thoughts for the entire duration of our relationship. The longer I invest, the harder it is to break away. Breaking up is not what I want at this point. It actually took a long time for me to get here, but I love him.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm not sure. I have had these thoughts for the entire duration of our relationship. The longer I invest, the harder it is to break away. Breaking up is not what I want at this point. It actually took a long time for me to get here, but I love him.

 

The bolded is exactly why you need to be SURE. Because you could be passing up great opportunities elsewhere up invest in something that a) doesn't fit right; and b) leaves you with the mammoth task of nagging him in to changing (which is not to be advised, in my view).

[lucy_in_disguise]

So is it a given, then, that we need to discuss the future in greater depth before he moves in? Or am I being anal in expecting more clarity?

 

What is a good way to prompt discussion about the future? It is not something that has ever naturally come up. Whenever I have initiated discussions by asking point-blank, he has felt attacked and froze up.

[Zapbasket]

So is it a given, then, that we need to discuss the future in greater depth before he moves in? Or am I being anal in expecting more clarity?

 

It's never "anal" to expect more clarity. And it's a red flag if someone ever makes you feel that way.

 

Whenever I have initiated discussions by asking point-blank, he has felt attacked and froze up.

 

That's an answer right there. I've struggled with this with the guy I've been dating, so my advice is very much "do as I say, not as I do." But: someone who is ready to progress in the relationship will not feel "attacked" simply because you initiate a discussion about the future. They might not want to talk about it when you want to, but they will do their share in initiating the discussion, as well.

 

It doesn't sound like a good idea for you two to live together just yet. How will you feel about his career limbo if he's limbo-ing under your roof, for example? Living together will magnify that problem 110%.

[xxoo]

If you want marriage and kids, don't move him in without that discussion and enthusiasm on his part about a timeline.

 

If you don't want to marry him "as is", dont move him in at all.

[Eggplant]

I understand what you're saying, but on the other hand, I see many examples from my own life where men changed due to a woman's nagging/ ultimatum. Granted, I have never been good at nagging, but perhaps if I were firmer in communicatin my expectations, he would get his sthi together already? Even if that's not he case, shouldn't I try the communication route before throwing in the towel on an otherwise good relationship?

 

You've seen nagging work? My understanding is that nagging not only gets you nowhere, but makes the man resent you. It will just destroy the good feelings you have for each other.

 

I'm sorry you've invested 2 years, but he was as he is from the start. You cannot expect somebody to change. I understand the sentiment that he's almost what you want.

 

If he's not as successful as you need your partner to be, then you find somebody else, or forever hold your peace. Don't blame him for not being something he never was to begin with.

[lucy_in_disguise]

So, we have had a few good discussions since I made this thread, but I'm no closer to figuring out what I need to do.

 

I brought up the fact that I'm not looking for a roommate, and expect marriage/ kids within 2-3 years if we move in together. He says he is on the same page about that. He has extended his lease for several more months to give us more time to hash out details.

 

Re: his job though, he says while he does not expect to stay in his current position forever, we are different in our expectations for our careers, and if I am looking for someone ambitious I'm barking up the wrong tree. He says he works to live and family, music, and volunteer work are where he gets his fulfillment. He thinks I am being kind of a btxh about the job thing.

 

So I don't know what to do. I love him so much and can't fathom leaving what is a great relationship over this issue that basically boils down to my inflated expectations. But at the same time, I am not sure how to be cool with what my visceral belief is laziness on his part about his life. I am just so attracted to passion and drive that I worry this will drive a wedge between us later on down the road. I admire his many wonderful qualities but find it hard to fully respect the laid-back attitude re: the career. On the other hand I see him as a wonderful husband and father and maybe down the road my priorities will be different and I'll appreciate the laid back stuff?

 

I just don't know, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one. I truly wish I could just change how I feel. To put my feelings in context, I am from an immigrant background where hard work, education, achievement, and financial freedom were the cornerstone values. I grew up in the bay area influenced by the silicon valleys culture of achievement. He grew up in a very hick town with a tight knit family. I feel happy and fulfilled when I am accomplishing sthi. He feels happy when he's just chillin. On the one hand, i think these differences between us contribute to my happiness by helping me find balance. On the other, I am not sure my personality type actually does anything for him ( I frequently feel like I ruin his chill) and after all this time, despite how much I love him, I still can't accept him for his chill, laid-back self. Before our talk, I was still hoping he'd wake up one day transformed into a man of action and passion.

[Zapbasket]

I just don't know, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one. I truly wish I could just change how I feel. To put my feelings in context, I am from an immigrant background where hard work, education, achievement, and financial freedom were the cornerstone values. I grew up in the bay area influenced by the silicon valleys culture of achievement. He grew up in a very hick town with a tight knit family. I feel happy and fulfilled when I am accomplishing sthi. He feels happy when he's just chillin. On the one hand, i think these differences between us contribute to my happiness by helping me find balance. On the other, I am not sure my personality type actually does anything for him ( I frequently feel like I ruin his chill) and after all this time, despite how much I love him, I still can't accept him for his chill, laid-back self. Before our talk, I was still hoping he'd wake up one day transformed into a man of action and passion.

 

This is a tough issue to sort out. Can you pinpoint what within you craves someone who shares your drive and ambition? If not, spend some time with yourself to gain more clarity on that, before making any major decisions about your relationship.

 

A few points to consider: Someone with high ambition might also be someone who prefers more distance and autonomy in a relationship than you'd like. That's why it's critical to pinpoint precisely what you're feeling is missing from your relationship now.

 

Also: Someone can be "laid back" and derive greater fulfillment from family and social relationships and recreation than from his work, and still be a contributing, hard-working, financially stable, responsible partner. If it's passion and drive you're seeking, people can be passionate about striving to be excellent romantic partners, parents, and family members.

 

Be careful that you're not getting detracted from what things appear to be "on paper" versus what they really are, which so often is not what they seem at first.

 

Lastly: What is his attitude toward your goals and ambition? If he is supportive of your dreams, and not threatened by your intensity and ambition, that's a great asset. It's a much more promising foundation to a long, happy relationship than a highly driven person who is also highly competitive--with himself, with others, and especially with you. Sometimes in ambitious partners this competitiveness is par for the course. And, in keeping with things not being what they seem always, sometimes this competitiveness can be a healthy, bonding thing, depending upon the emotional architecture of the two people involved. And sometimes it can feel like you're dating an alligator who has been docile enough so far, but whom you feel at any moment could turn around and snap your head off--this is not conducive to a healthy partnership.

 

This is tough stuff to navigate. Be patient with yourself, and with him and the relationship, as you suss out from your logic and your gut what you can live with, and what you can't. Good luck

[lucy_in_disguise]

Thanks for your thoughtful response, green cove. I've been mulling over your comments for a couple of days, sorry about the delay in my response.

 

I think there are two primary reasons I desire a guy that's more ambitious. Firstly, passion turns me on. There is just something about intensity of purpose that I respect, admire, and gravitate toward. It bugs me that my bf is so laid back. Maybe I would feel differently if we had more in common (if I were a musician or a "hippie") to sustain long passionate conversations but I frequently feel brain-dead in his company.

 

Secondly, I feel ambition and "vision" often go hand in hand. Another issue in my relationship is that it feels like its going nowhere- or moving at such a slow pace I'm getting fed up. Again, I feel like this is mostly attributable to my bf's passivity. I would love for him to take charge of our relationship for once but he is generally cool with whatever I want and prefers to go with the flow.

 

I don't know what to do and I've realized lately I am definitely in the middle of a depression. I can't have fun anymore and see every decision as a lose-lose situation. I don't really see a happy future in this relationship but can't imagine leaving to start from scratch, either.