Emilia Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Well if you want to salvage this I think you should call. It's what I do when I think I've been a dick. Texting back and forth about something serious... it's not really that grown up in my opinion.
Author Sweeetie Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Well if you want to salvage this I think you should call. It's what I do when I think I've been a dick. Texting back and forth about something serious... it's not really that grown up in my opinion. The truth is I do not feel that he is interested, he has been putting in almost 0% effort since our first date, which is why I want to play it safe and see if he responds to a text. He said some pretty rude things to me during our argument which were way below what I said to him. So I feel he ought to apologise too.
Emilia Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 The truth is I do not feel that he is interested, he has been putting in almost 0% effort since our first date, which is why I want to play it safe and see if he responds to a text. He said some pretty rude things to me during our argument which were way below what I said to him. So I feel he ought to apologise too. Time to move on. Too much drama witha complete stranger. 1
RedRobin Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I think there is plenty to point fingers at on both sides. Not seeing the need for you to grovel. Sets a bad precedent. Don't do it. 1
Author Sweeetie Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 I think there is plenty to point fingers at on both sides. Not seeing the need for you to grovel. Sets a bad precedent. Don't do it. I do want a second date, and besides that text I don't see how else we can move ahead.
MidwestUSA Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Maybe you can point out to us one more time how his "lack of tact" in speaking to women is due to his not having been in a relationship for four years. With all the fault finding you did after your first date, I think this one is better left alone. Too much drama, from both sides.
AMusing Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I have formulated the text that I want to send him today, I would really appreciate feedback on it. Thanks. "Hey, I hope your week is going well I just wanted to apologise for getting annoyed at you last week. I overreacted because it was the second time that you needed to change a date and I felt that you did it quite casually, which put me off since I'd been looking forward to seeing you. In all honesty I have been getting the impression in the last week or so that you're not that interested in seeing me. When I date someone I need the levels of interest to be equal and mutual so if that's lacking here it might be best to keep things this way." My two cents, since you do want to try for another date with this guy: The bolded part would put me off, if I received this message. If you genuinely want to apologize, I would delete it; it muddies the apology with and accusatory & insecure tone. Focus on what you feel you did wrong (while still recognizing that you weren't acting totally unprovoked), and let that open the conversation with him. Whether he's as interested in you as you are in him should be apparent by how he responds, without you needing to flat-out ask about his interest. 2
RedRobin Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I do want a second date, and besides that text I don't see how else we can move ahead. There is nothing to move ahead on. Let it go. Keep your self-respect. This is the 'you are paying' guy, am I right? The one who could barely manage a weak 'me too' after what you thought was a great first date? You REALLY need to let this one go. He doesn't even seem that nice. Seriously... I think you can do better.
TigerCub Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Sorry, I don't agree with that assessment at all. He sounds as though he's CLEARLY not seeing the OP as any kind of priority at ALL. She's just a 'to do' line item that he keeps moving around on his ledger based on his availability. The "brother" story sounds like baloney and I think he's just got other dates lined up for the weekend. OP, stop wasting your time. The guy is long distance and he's clearly not seeing you as a priority at all. The part in bold is very true and wise! As for the brat comment...this is how I see it... I think the fact that he offered to leave the key and come see her, only to have her reply with "forget it" makes her seem like a brat. But that's just my view... The guy isn't making her a priority, that's true. But it's also difficult to drop things and see her when she lives in a different town. Also, why is he the one that always has to go to her. He went to see her the first time and now the second time he's expected to as well... Why isn't it on her to go see him (but that's an issue separate from how he keeps cancelling on her). I think that if he were local, it might have been easier to say "I really can't do it today, but let me take you out for dinner tomorrow or sometime during the week as works for you" but because he is further he can't. You think the brother story is "baloney", maybe it is, maybe it isn't... we don't know for sure. Also, look at her text. The one she's planning to send to him. Instead of a straight up apology, she's still going into a lecture on why what he did was wrong and blah blah... I don't think she should bother with him, because yeah he doesn't seem all that interested, but I also think that she should work on her expectations and how to handle disappointment and how to deal with people, because "forget it" when someone is trying to offer some kind of compromise does make one sound like a childish brat. In some other post she talks about how he was rude to her, and how she doesn't think he's interested ... so...why even bother? Why is sweetie willing to settle for crap? I'm not in any way saying that guy is a prize and he can't do wrong, I think they both handled things poorly.
Author Sweeetie Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Also, why is he the one that always has to go to her. He went to see her the first time and now the second time he's expected to as well... Why isn't it on her to go see him (but that's an issue separate from how he keeps cancelling on her). I think that if he were local, it might have been easier to say "I really can't do it today, but let me take you out for dinner tomorrow or sometime during the week as works for you" but because he is further he can't. I should have made it clear that I was due to go to his town and we were going to go have dinner in a restaurant there. I was the one who offered to travel to his town for the second date since he came to mine for the first.
Author Sweeetie Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 There is nothing to move ahead on. Let it go. Keep your self-respect. This is the 'you are paying' guy, am I right? The one who could barely manage a weak 'me too' after what you thought was a great first date? You REALLY need to let this one go. He doesn't even seem that nice. Seriously... I think you can do better. Yup that's the one. I'm not surprised that he's been single for 4 years!
Minneloa Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I have formulated the text that I want to send him today, I would really appreciate feedback on it. Thanks. "Hey, I hope your week is going well I just wanted to apologise for getting annoyed at you last week. I overreacted because it was the second time that you needed to change a date and I felt that you did it quite casually, which put me off since I'd been looking forward to seeing you. In all honesty I have been getting the impression in the last week or so that you're not that interested in seeing me. When I date someone I need the levels of interest to be equal and mutual so if that's lacking here it might be best to keep things this way." I agree with the previous poster who said this is a muddled apology. It reads as passive-aggressive to me, because it puts the blame on him for your actions rather than accepting responsiblity for your part in the conflict. If I were the recipient, I would probably feel more alienated, not less. 2
StarsOnFire Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I agree with the previous poster who said this is a muddled apology. It reads as passive-aggressive to me, because it puts the blame on him for your actions rather than accepting responsiblity for your part in the conflict. If I were the recipient, I would probably feel more alienated, not less. Agreed. If you really want to see him again, I don't think that text is going to get you far. Shorten it, and just keep it to an apology if that's what you're going for.
Author Sweeetie Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Should I say in the text that I would like to see him again? Or should I see how he responds first?
BluEyeL Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I think it's all way too much drama for having only had one date with him. Why do you want to see him again? You acknowledge that you did not like his behavior and that you were annoyed with him, so why exactly do you want to see him again? Why go on a second date with a guy when you are already unhappy with his behavior? This isn't a guy you have history with -- it's a guy you don't even know. You haven't heard from him in four days. He's lost interest due to your reaction, and it sounds like he was losing interest prior to that. I personally think you overreacted -- sometimes you are better off just being the cool, unbothered girl. I think you should just chalk this one up to a lesson learned and forget about it. Completely agree with this. Give up on this guy OP and invest your time in finding a new one.
RedRobin Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Yup that's the one. I'm not surprised that he's been single for 4 years! It is not a crime to be single... although, it looks like he's in no rush, certainly. I wouldn't text him again. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I have formulated the text that I want to send him today, I would really appreciate feedback on it. Thanks. "Hey, I hope your week is going well I just wanted to apologise for getting annoyed at you last week. I overreacted because it was the second time that you needed to change a date and I felt that you did it quite casually, which put me off since I'd been looking forward to seeing you. In all honesty I have been getting the impression in the last week or so that you're not that interested in seeing me. When I date someone I need the levels of interest to be equal and mutual so if that's lacking here it might be best to keep things this way." Way too long. If you really want to text him, keep the apology short and sweet. I bolded the part that I would send. Delete the rest, as it will likely get you a defensive and negative response. Let him respond. If he doesn't, you have your answer about where his interest lies.
RedRobin Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Never apologize for how you feel. If you ever do apologize for things, then apologize for how you reacted. Still, I don't think an apology is in order. I think he's been a dufus since date one... if anything your annoyance is stemming from the fact he's been a handful since then. Ever since his first lame text back to you after what you thought was a nice first date. I still think he's a bit of an *ss. Please don't grovel. It is so unbecoming. 1
Author Sweeetie Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) I have decided not to contact him again because the last couple of weeks or so have made it clear that this guy is not very interested in me. I have been the one who always initiates contact, he has casually cancelled on me twice even though we can only see each other on the weekend (and when I was due to go to his hometown)...all this as early as before the second date when interest from both sides should be high means I am wasting my time. Thanks for all the advice guys Edited June 26, 2013 by Sweeetie 3
Recommended Posts