ubiquity00 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 2. I've been up front and honest since day 1 that I do not want to have children. He's always said he was interested in having kids, but is happy with me and ok not having them. I've made the effort to reconfirm this throughout our relationship with special emphasis right before we actually got married. He was solid that being ok with me is enough. Until recently. We're at that age where everyone we know is having kids. The problem didn't arise until his best friend's wife became pregnant with their first son. He was born just a few weeks ago. My husband became increasingly distant, and all of the sudden he is demanding his own children. I was hurt and said if he absolutely has to have kids then I guess we have to make arrangements for divorce. It hurts us both to think about. He's now said he always thought I would change my mind, but didn't think it would be an issue anyway because he was happy with me and no kids. He also doesn't want to have children for at least another 5 years. But is demanding that I'll agree now to have them then. He wanted to go to marriage counseling, so we've started going. With just a few sessions in, it's apparent that there is no compromise (I never expected one) but he holds hope that I'll agree to children. I'm struggling at this point because I am happy with our lives and he says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. This is a hard limit for me. I've never had any desire to be a mother. I do not hate kids and look forward to loving and playing with friends and family's. I just do not want kids. I'm not even sure exactly what I need advice on. How to let him go? Because I can't provide what he needs all of the sudden. It breaks my heart to see him so happy around kids knowing that I'm holding him back. He's my everything. My lover, husband, confidant, best friend. Having him is enough for me. It's hard to hear that I'm not the priority anymore. I feel partially responsible for my sadness because somehow I should have known this would happen. It's hard for me to hand him divorce papers when I really don't want a divorce. It's just as hard for me to feel like I'm not giving him the opportunity to find someone who can provide the family he wants.
pink_sugar Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Sorry to hear that you're going through this. Unfortunately, this is a tough decision to make. However, it is clear you are set on not having kids while he on the other hand has changed his mind. You shouldn't have to feel forced to have kids to make him happy and if kids are what he wants, he will need to move on. Staying together while you both feel this way will just create more resentment in the long run. May I ask how old you both are?
GuyInLimbo Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 That does suck. But that's really one place where couples need to be on the same page, or there will always be great resentment by one or both parties. Yes, people's feelings change. But it's pretty unfair of him to 180 on you about this and try to pressure you. It's not going to be easy, for sure, as this is a lot different than someone cheating or falling out of love. I feel for you.
Author ubiquity00 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 . May I ask how old you both are? I'm 26. He is 25. I know he has plenty of time to find someone who can give him that happiness.
GuyInLimbo Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 You've been together 10 years already? I think you both need to get out and explore other people. I doubt either one of you really knows what you want (not specifically re: children, but many things). (Yes, I'm an opinionated, judgmental arse, but I am who I am. )
Author ubiquity00 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 You've been together 10 years already? I think you both need to get out and explore other people. I doubt either one of you really knows what you want (not specifically re: children, but many things). (Yes, I'm an opinionated, judgmental arse, but I am who I am. ) We did actually separate for a while several years ago. I have always known what I want and have a very strong sense of direction in my life. Sometimes he waivers in that respect, which leads me to believe it's better to cut ties sooner than later. Since this is such a major, albeit unfortunate, issue.
ver13 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 If he wants to have kids and you have no intention of changing your mind then get a "D" like immediately. No matter what either one of you tells the other unless its yes to kids what else do you have to talk about. MC is only delaying the "go your own way" process. He shouldn't have to compromise and be denied kids and you can't be forced into being "preg" when this is not what you want out of life. You have to choose what you are willing to live with in life or not. So do what you need to do....
pink_sugar Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I'm 26. He is 25. I know he has plenty of time to find someone who can give him that happiness. Oh wow, so you're HS sweethearts I am assuming? You guys are still pretty young, so I'm not too surprised one of you has changed your minds. If you were 36 and 35, that would be something different entirely. You may even change your mind later...not saying you will, but there is that possibility since you're still pretty young.
PoopHappens Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Having never wanted kids and then having them I realized how wrong I was. I'm a he so I didn't have to do any of the heavy lifting but honestly, it's one of the great pleasures of life. Even with all it's problems. I know many husbands who have happily done the majority of the child care. Consider it.
pteromom Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 If there is no compromise on this, the relationship has to end. You don't want to be the person who prevents him from having something that is very important to him, and you don't want to be a mom if it isn't something you want, because it's hard even when you really do want it. Very sad, but I don't see another option.
cozycottagelg Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Having never wanted kids and then having them I realized how wrong I was. I'm a he so I didn't have to do any of the heavy lifting but honestly, it's one of the great pleasures of life. Even with all it's problems. I know many husbands who have happily done the majority of the child care. Consider it. You will never regret the children you have, but you also shouldn't have to have them if you don't want any. It isn't a bad thing. You know what you want. I'm sorry your marriage is ending this way. Good luck. 1
M30USA Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Yes, differences in opinions regarding children are so big they can lead to divorce. Even in my case, we already had 2 kids, and my ex flipped out because I didn't want anymore. I actually got a bowl of chocolate fondu thrown thrown my way because of it. Yea, good times.
rolo99 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Ubitquity, I feel for you. Although I'm soon to be divorced, luckily it had nothing to do with kids. Both my STBX and I never wanted them. In fact, on our 3rd date, I told him that there's no point in another date if he wants kids. Eventually he even got snipped. Now that I'm almost divorced and dating, at 44, I'm lucky in that many guys my age are snipped or not interested in starting a family. If I can suggest a community to explore: The Childfree Life ? Index page Also on Facebook there's many CF (ChidFREE, not childLESS) groups. Let me know if you are interested in further details. 1
zoobadger Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I gave in to my wife's demands to have a second child six years ago. Like you, there was no compromise and her behavior sounds very much like your husband's. Without a doubt the day to day challenges of raising our son (now six years old) was a huge factor in the wreckage of our marriage. On the other hand, my son is a fun, intelligent, handsome little guy. But, giving in and having another child only made our marriage worse. Notably, I've gotten closer to both him and our eleven year old daughter since we decided to split a month ago. Of course, that's partly because my wife is spending two or three days a week visiting her out of town boyfriend, whom she's deeply in love with, lol.... It rankles my male ego to know she's with another man, and I've had a few sleepless nights, but in the long run I'm better off. The funny thing is that part of me wants to "get even" by finding a girlfriend of my own but I want to be single for awhile, and get my feet on the ground in my new life first. And I'm enjoying the freedom to flirt and date without feeling like I'm cheating or sneaking around.
zoobadger Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Yes, differences in opinions regarding children are so big they can lead to divorce. Even in my case, we already had 2 kids, and my ex flipped out because I didn't want anymore. I actually got a bowl of chocolate fondu thrown thrown my way because of it. Yea, good times. Just out of curiosity, was your ex generally abusive and narcissistic? Mine was and it's hard to imagine how a reasonable person could fail to consider your point of view that you wanted to keep your family at two kids. My ex refused to discuss the matter, and as with everything else, withheld affection, sex, warmth and anything else she could think of to get what she wanted. And then unreasonably blamed me for her unhappiness, anyway. Just a bad person, right down to her core, at least in terms of her behavior towards me. (She's got a good side, and can be caring in other contexts, I suppose).
M30USA Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Just out of curiosity, was your ex generally abusive and narcissistic? Mine was and it's hard to imagine how a reasonable person could fail to consider your point of view that you wanted to keep your family at two kids. My ex refused to discuss the matter, and as with everything else, withheld affection, sex, warmth and anything else she could think of to get what she wanted. And then unreasonably blamed me for her unhappiness, anyway. Just a bad person, right down to her core, at least in terms of her behavior towards me. (She's got a good side, and can be caring in other contexts, I suppose). I guess some people are just born to trample over others and fight to the death until they get their way. Is it wrong? That question is irrelevant to me. All I know is I cant handle it. Msybe some other guy can? Or maybe some other guy will be okay with kowtowing to her, waking on eggshells, and saying yes ma'am to her every word.
feebee69 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I too felt like I didn't want any children and it would be a dealbreaker between my first husband and I. I fell pg and hated my pregnancy, hated the thought of the whole thing, made an appt with an abortion clinic, then couldn't go through with it. I had that baby girl.....and fell in love. But to each their own.
aussietigerwolf Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I never wanted kids either, was seriously the last thing I wanted... but I fell pregnant and couldn't go against my beliefs, took me 3 days to fall in love with him. I however was 32 at the time so older than you.
GuyInLimbo Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I don't think it's appropriate for people to be telling their baby stories. I think it's a sneaky way to talk someone into something or to make her regret her decision. That's not what the OP came here for. 1
ver13 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I don't think it's appropriate for people to be telling their baby stories. I think it's a sneaky way to talk someone into something or to make her regret her decision. That's not what the OP came here for. I agree with this post this is not about you and your decision it's about the OP. Just had to put that out there...
TaraMaiden Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Don't be surprised if you change your mind the next few years due to your biological clock. More 'pressure'. If she's always known she doesn't want kids, and is just as adamant now that she doesn't - there IS no 'Biological Clock' here. It's not going to change the way she feels. I don't want a threesome with another woman. Or anal sex. I never have, and never will. You think pressure from others will miraculously change my mind because of what I might be missing? Nope. I feel the same way now as I always have done. OP: This is one of the strongest deal-breakers there is. And sadly, as you are learning in Counselling, there IS no Compromise. You would have to agree to become pregnant, carry a child, give birth to it, and bring it up (and every single thing and mile-stone that entails.) You're NOT being selfish. I personally back you 100% to the hilt, and applaud you for standing your ground. "Giving in to please your H because of the relationship you have" is still not a sufficiently valid or strong enough reason to bring another human being into this world. The decision, actually, rests in his court. HE is the one who now wants to move the goal-posts. HE is the one who presumed, assumed or simply thought you'd change your mind. Well, sadly, he's learning the hard way that it ain't gonna happen. What happens next - is his call. He either stays and shuts up (not constantly ramming it down your throat, and accepts your side of things) or HE has to be the one to make alternative - and permanent - arrangements. Believe it or not, you need do nothing. He's the one trying to change the game-plan. It's up to him to decide on his priorities. 1
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