waterwoman Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Hi sunflower. Sorry if I missed it but has he been to IC for these issues?
Author Sunflower22 Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 No, he has not been to IC for these problems since he was a very young child. He had some behavioral issues as a child so he was forced to go at about 8 years old. Other than that I am trying to be the calm peacemaker and pointing out his abnormal behavior. This seems to work well. He just stares at me and later comes to me and apologizes so I think he is trying but it is a long time of bad coping skills to correct. I just hope this resolves by the time it affects my kids.
TiredFamilyGuy Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) Sunflower Maybe similar to situation with my wife, with a gender switch: Spouse horribly abusive for years and wouldn't talk, I stayed because of the kids, finally I toughened up and enforced boundaries. Her screwedupness also comes from her relationship with her mother. Like you I thought perhaps my wife had an affair. Now, I think general screwedupness fits better as an overall diagnosis but in a way tha's besides the point - what *really* matters, is that she treated me so badly for years and wouldn't stop. The trust disappeared. I may never feel it again: the one person who should have had my back instead used me as target where I was most vulnerable - in my case in front of my two kids. If you've been spared that then our situations differ and I'd say there's hope for healing. With me, well, my wife has finally acknowledged her issues and made apologies. But apologies are not amends and my trust is gone. We have a convincing simulacrum of a well functioning family now: but the fact is I don't trust her. It's not because of deceit - though there was some of that about past relationships - but it's about my experience of being a parent: I can't fix that and will never forgive her. One last point - abuse must stop but think twice before setting yourself up as the good cop with your kids without backing up your partner. My wife spent years disrupting my interactions with the children and it was exquisitely hurtful. Edited June 26, 2013 by TiredFamilyGuy
Author Sunflower22 Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 Thank you for your response. My children are everything to me since the day they arrived. That is the main reason I am working on trying to make our family healthy and whole for my children cause if at all possible I want them to have that. I am intelligent enough to know that in order for them to have that they need to have a positive outlook on both of there parents. It is very bad for a young child's self esteem to verbally attack one of their parents so for their sake I never will do that I keep it to myself. I have had calm mature conversations with my husband regarding this and he agrees although he has slipped a few times with his verbal abuse and that's usually what makes it most difficult to hold peace. He can hurt me but don't hurt my kids. My oldest is 3 years old and from the moment she was born I wanted to protect her from all the craziness in the world and I want both my children to have a stable family if it kills me I will give them that and I have let my husband know this. As for him I let him be there father and he is a good hands on daddy and I am thankful for that cause he sucks as a husband. He strongly encouraged me to have both of our kids so I expect him to man up and at least give them a decent life. He knows he didn't have one and mine could have been better so I guess that's our common ground to give these babies we brought in this world a stable stressful free life. I'm in my 30's now I have chose my career and picked choices I can't change the future is in them now and I want them to reach for the stars I want them to have hope not a broken family full of turmoil I don't want them to focus on this they need to be focusing on learning, exploring the world, playing laughing and not where they will lay there head tonight. They are 3 and 18 months and they will have a chance at a happy life if it kills me. My daughter is already adding and subtracting literally she is very happy smart and bright my son right behind her. Every situation that arises in my life I think about what's best for them how will my choices affect them cause right now they are like flowers ready to bloom it is my job to water them and give them plenty of sunlight. More people honestly should put these children first. When I hear about parents abusing one another in front of children cops being involved it just brings tears to my eyes. We are adults these children don't deserve life's of fear and problems. I don't understand where everyone's head is.
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