Ordinaryday Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 for all the things they did wrong to you, even if they had no intention of getting back together with you? Over the years I have both dumped and been dumped by girls and it happened exactly as you would expect. for some of the girls I dumped, often a few years later I started to see the situation differently and felt bad about what I did so I actually reached out to them via facebook or whatever, and apologised for how I acted - I don't believe I was really nasty or anything, but like with all relationships, both parties do wrong things Most of them ignored me, one or two of them responded back with something simple and then I never heard back, and a few of them responded back rudely. In short I learned that after the relationship is over it is OVER and any contact on the dumper's part may be viewed with aggression, suspicion, distrust and other negative emotions. in short, expecting the dumpee to respond back with "Oh, I am SO GLAD to hear from you, thank you for contacting me" is a ridiculous delusion most dumpers have. so now I learn NOT to contact them if I don't want them back and I just accept that the guilt I feel is something I have to live with. And when dumpers have contacted me to apologise (but not reconcile) I have always been annoyed that they threw me breadcrumbs with no thoughts to where I am emotionally at the moment. So would you want your dumper to contact you to apologise for how they acted, even if they didn't want to reconcile? and if they did, how would you respond - if you would respond at all. one dumper sent me a letter via snail mail - she was particularly cruel to me so I simply wrote "return to sender" on it and it got sent back - I never even opened it to read the letter. I don't know what she said - but I DON'T CARE what she said
Emilia Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I'm always surprised by these threads because in my 41 years with a divorce under my belt and having had several LTRs and STRs I just don't have this much drama with breakups once they are over. I'm on speaking terms with most of my exes and there is no bad blood. 2
Author Ordinaryday Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 I'm always surprised by these threads because in my 41 years with a divorce under my belt and having had several LTRs and STRs I just don't have this much drama with breakups once they are over. I'm on speaking terms with most of my exes and there is no bad blood. I never believed there was such a thing as a 'mutual' breakup. even if it is claimed to be 'mutual' I always thought one party is always MORE 'mutual' than the other and the other party just goes along with it so it is seen as a 'mutual' breakup. Kind of like an employer offering you the chance to officially 'resign' from your position, rather than be fired, with the implication being that either way you are gone but it will be easier for you to get another job if you officially 'resigned' rather than got fired. 1
Emilia Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I never believed there was such a thing as a 'mutual' breakup. even if it is claimed to be 'mutual' I always thought one party is always MORE 'mutual' than the other and the other party just goes along with it so it is seen as a 'mutual' breakup. Kind of like an employer offering you the chance to officially 'resign' from your position, rather than be fired, with the implication being that either way you are gone but it will be easier for you to get another job if you officially 'resigned' rather than got fired. I'm not suggesting they were mutual break ups, I don't understand which part of my post made you think that.
Author Ordinaryday Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 I'm not suggesting they were mutual break ups, I don't understand which part of my post made you think that. the part about being on good speaking terms with your ex. Maybe it is just by youthful ignorance (I am 29 but compared to people who are in their fifties and sixties, that is young) but I can't see how anyone could remain on 'good speaking terms' with someone who dumped them. 1
Emilia Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 the part about being on good speaking terms with your ex. Maybe it is just by youthful ignorance (I am 29 but compared to people who are in their fifties and sixties, that is young) but I can't see how anyone could remain on 'good speaking terms' with someone who dumped them. I think it's a matter of intelligence. Both people are responsible for the fate of a relationship and both need to take responsibility for the outcome. I think if you and your former partner are able to take the other's perspective and you don't feel the other person was selfish or set out to hurt you (ie no cheating for example) I don't see why you wouldn't be able to take a step back and accept it. 1
skydiveaddict Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 would you want the dumper to apologise to you.... Never.........
aloneinaz Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I don't think it's necessary for a dumper to apologize that they were no longer interesting in a relationship with me. I've only been "dumped" once and to be honest, if I had balls I would of dumped her first. People have a right to end relationships. We all risk this knowingly when we start dating. Some people end relationships as nice as possible while others can be nasty and hurtful. No matter how they do it, we have to accept it and move on. It's part of life. Would I want to hear from my recent ex and have her apologize? Heck no. Why?? She is allowed her right to end the relationship and like my Mom always told me "I would not want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me". 2
Pisces13 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 You know what, going through my current breakup in which I was dumped, it has really made me seriously consider contacting my first ex, whom I broke up with, just to offer her an apology for the living hell I put her through post break up. Knowing now what it feels like being on the receiving end, I would never wish this sh*t against my worst enemy...
inaya42 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 i don't think an apology for breaking up is ever necessary. an apology for mistreatment during the relationship and/or for a cruel or disrespectful exit might be warranted, especially if the dumper ever wants to be friends (or more). i have always appreciated receiving an apology when i have been mistreated, and i have always attempted to apologize when i have treated a person unfairly. exes are people, too. and at some point the basic rules of fair, ethical treatment simply applies to all. 2
hotpotato Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 the part about being on good speaking terms with your ex. Maybe it is just by youthful ignorance (I am 29 but compared to people who are in their fifties and sixties, that is young) but I can't see how anyone could remain on 'good speaking terms' with someone who dumped them. Time and space! Most of my relationships and break ups have not been hostile. I am on very good terms with my previous ex even though our time together was filled with turmoil. Over time the hostility faded. Im 26. When they dump you, it doesnt always mean they dont care. Sometimes they even still love you, but for whatever reason things werent working out. 1
Ajax Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 the part about being on good speaking terms with your ex. Maybe it is just by youthful ignorance (I am 29 but compared to people who are in their fifties and sixties, that is young) but I can't see how anyone could remain on 'good speaking terms' with someone who dumped them. I'm 30, and have been on good terms with most of my exes after breakups. Not necessarily so with the one that really hurt me three years ago though, as we haven't spoken since. But three-ish years later I'd certainly accept and appreciate an apology should she ever feel the need to give one. Not for breaking up with me... as someone said, people have the right to break up with someone if they don't want to be with them. But I do still feel that she mismanaged the ending of the relationship in a tactless and immature manner (she was 25... old enough to know better) that inflicted more damage than was necessary. She, however, may not share that perspective and I have no reason to think it weighs on her, so an apology certainly isn't expected. For a long time after that happened it would have been impossible for me to move past what happened and accept it anyway, so it would have been pointless for her to have tried. But I have had others contact me to apologize years later, and I've been receptive to it. So should this other ex ever do so, I wouldn't throw it back in her face. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I guess it really depends on the nature of the break-up, and anything that transpired leading up to the break-up. Break-ups usually hurt, no matter what the reason, but if the break-up was done gently, I wouldn't spend my time staying angry with the dumper. If they felt the need, later on down the road to apologize, I'd accept it, and move on. Even if the way I was dumped was horrible, I wouldn't expect the apology; to me, that's a bit like expecting someone who bullied you in childhood to apologize. I give people the benefit of a doubt that they've changed over the years, and learned from their mistakes. If they're still the same A-hole they were before? I pity them, because eventually, that **** will catch up with them. So in short, I wouldn't expect the apology, but if I received one, I'd take it graciously, and let it go. I wouldn't necessarily want to be friends with them, but I might not have any problem with it, either. It really depends.
BustedUpInside Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 An apology wouldn't make me feel any better and it would just remind me that even though my ex feels bad, we are still over forever. My ex already said he was sorry a million times, but it never made me feel anything but sad. 1
lop98 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I never even though of sending or expecting an apology in all my previous relationships, they ended in good or no terms, we moved on, end of story. My last BU, however, even though I understood and suggested we should break up multiple times before that, it was hell, and the cruelty went on for the next two months after it ended... that's the part that's been the most painful for me, what happened afterwards... I don't expect anything from him but if I had treated someone the way he treated me, I would apologize, and that's the only way I could ever consider a friendship with him once I heal. And by the way, I'm talking about a real apology over what happened, the kind that shows he's aware and doesn't feel good about it, the 'sorry if I did something to hurt you' means nothing to me.
simplyamazing Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I don't desire an apology, and much like a previous post... had I had the balls, I would have been the dumper. I do appreciate being dumped now though, this was the first time I've experienced being the dumpee. I have to say that if I ever decide to dump my future partners, I will definitely take the opposite approach my ex did (ie, vanish and then reappear to essentially flaunt the new toolbag at me).
SweetiePie12 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 for all the things they did wrong to you, even if they had no intention of getting back together with you? Nah, he doesn't need to apologize to me for anything. From my perspective, he didn't really do anything wrong per se. He was just being who he is. I love him. often a few years later I started to see the situation differently and felt bad about what I did so I actually reached out to them via facebook or whatever, and apologised for how I acted Yes. I think I got some version of that while I was in my "begging please baby come back" stage. He texted: I can tell you're a good person, but you aren't treating me like you said you would. He acknowleged that my intentions were always positive. In short I learned that after the relationship is over it is OVER and any contact on the dumper's part may be viewed with aggression, suspicion, distrust and other negative emotions. Not me. He had valid reasons for leaving, circumstances that had nothing to do with me (life happens) so...who knows? in short, expecting the dumpee to respond back with "Oh, I am SO GLAD to hear from you, thank you for contacting me" is a ridiculous delusion most dumpers have. Not in my ex ol' man's case. So when we finally do have an actual conversation on the phone, I gotta not be all full of gratitude, like, "Thank you for finally calling me, King, I've been waiting so long." And when dumpers have contacted me to apologise (but not reconcile) I have always been annoyed that they threw me breadcrumbs with no thoughts to where I am emotionally at the moment. Interesting. In our case, I don't see him as a "dumper" (such a rude phrase) nor someone who throws me "bread crumbs" (though we do lead very independent, demanding lifestyles), but... Him responding to me simply puts me at ease because, basically, dude! Don't act like you don't know me. You can't be civil? Oh, I don't exist? OK, I know that's a lie. So communicating with him just feels natural. Not communicating is a total poser move. Or, he's just been preoccupied with the life he choose that doesn't include me. I wonder how that's working out!
StrongLass Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 My ex HAS apologized to me a couple different times at this point. (I haven't responded at all, 55 days NC on my end of things) And honestly? It doesn't change anything about what he's done. Or the fact that everyday that goes by that we're not together it's because HE CHOSE not to be with me. Remember that. They made A CHOICE.
Thunderchild Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 My ex apologised at the break up - I'll re-phrase that - after failing to take responsibility for cheating ("I was drunk and it just happened") she said the words "I'm sorry" before I flung her out of the house. The words are meaningless and empty unless there is sincerity behind them.
iouaname Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Yes - I think that I deserve an apology from my ex. Not because he broke up with me, but because he has said some pretty unnecessary, immature, hurtful things about me to people. I am at the point where I don't deal with it anymore. I don't speak to him or to anyone who knows him, and I don't check on what he is doing or how he is. I've been 100% free of him for a while now, but I still feel that I deserve an apology. I'm hoping that after a while, I'll forgive without an apology and just move on...
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