diaryofar Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. It was mutual, we both knew that it couldn't last. Neither of us were happy, although him more than myself. We live a few hours apart due to different schools, and for the past 3 years, we've made due with the long distance relationships. Sure it was hard, but we managed quite well. But this summer he came home and things were different. To say this in the simplest way possible, he just didn't seem to be happy with me anymore. Our love life vanished quickly. I felt like just kissing him was a hassle for him. When I confronted him a few weeks ago, he told me that he was unhappy with me. But he wouldn't let me break up with him. I let that go on for about a week. And then I realized that I didn't want to just be strung along just because he was too comfortable to be alone. I couldn't take the pain anymore and decided a few days ago that I needed him to let me go. The break-up was really agonizing. So many tears, however there weren't many words spoken. I don't feel like I got any of the closure that I needed. But we agreed to stop all contact. This is the hard part for me, because I've always been very introverted. I don't have a ton of friends to talk to. He's always been the person I turned to for support. I have no one to talk to about the pain that I'm feeling right now. I make due during the day. I'm good at keeping my composure around people. But at night... I can't get him off my mind. I miss him with every fiber in my body and I need every ounce of my strength not to call him right now. That's why I've come here. Let me give a little background info. I was 15 years old when I met him, he was 17. We met in high school, in a cooking class that he was just as bummed as I was to be stuck in. To say that we were both completely smitten with each other from the start is an understatement. The two of us are very calm, composed, introverted people. So it took us half a year to start dating, me being 16 and him 18. Before him, I was a virgin in all aspects of the word. I had never kissed anyone, been in a real relationship, and I was about as innocent as a person could get. I didn't believe that two people could fall in love with each other. I had so many reasons. I had seen so many relationships fail; people who seemed as in love as two people could possibly be. I told him this, because I told him everything. He later told me that on that day, he made a silent vow to prove me wrong. Because he was already in love with me. And he did, prove me wrong. I fell for him so hard that I barely had a sense of reality. My love for him is still just as strong as ever, if not more. But over the years, we got too comfortable with each other. We grew apart due to the distance of our colleges. We led separate lives, had separate friends, and hobbies. Three years of this really made us completely different people. But that didn't matter because we still loved each other. When he recently came home for the summer, things were different. There was an instance of him studying abroad, which he left early. Those months were hard on us and he thought he was losing me. He said the decision to come home early wasn't because of me, but I have reason to believe otherwise. I started to feel like he was resenting me afterward. When he came home, we were so happy. Like we fell in love all over again. But the following months, all of that changed. He got an internship over the summer, and following that, got a summer job. I chose to take the summer off because of a stressful semester. So I was usually bored. He only had a few hours of free time at night each day, and slowly, I began to realize that he was spending 5-6 nights of his free time with friends, and only seeing me on Sundays (we watch Game of Throne/True Blood, etc.). Our conversations were lacking immensely. And overall, he just didn't seem happy when we were around each other. I confronted him. I told him that he didn't seem happy when he's around me. What broke my heart the most is when he told me that I was right. That he still loved me, but he just wasn't happy. The reason was me, but he said he has no idea why. (To make it worse, it was my birthday.) I tried to break up with him that night but he convinced me not to, saying that he was going to work on it and that he'd make it up to me. I bought into it. I always do. This was about a month ago. But nothing changed. He kept spending the majority of his nights going to bars with his friends (this is now, 4 years later, I'm 20, he's 22) and basically ignoring me most days. I couldn't handle the sadness anymore. I became sad all the time. I couldn't laugh or smile because the pain was always there, behind my smile. So about 3 days ago now, I told him I didn't want to be strung along anymore. I told him that I didn't see his effort. And that it was probably best for the both of us that we separate. He tearfully agreed. And we went our separate ways, agreeing not to communicate. Because that would only make it worse. In the end, I want him to be happy. I wish it could be with me. But if not, I think that I could eventually accept that. After the pain subsides, I hope that I can be happy, even if it's someone else that makes him happy. I hope I can be strong enough to do that. But now I can't get over the urge to talk to him. I miss him so much. I know that I need to keep distance. I'm fine during the day, I can keep myself from thinking of him. But I get flashes of sadness throughout the day, and suddenly I have the overwhelming need to cry. I stifle it though. But it's the night time that gets me. I can't stop myself from thinking of him. Originally I got on my computer to send him an email, but decided against it. That's when I found this forum. I need support. I need advise. How can I fight the urge? When he is the only person who knows every thing about me? I want to talk to him. But I know that I shouldn't. It's so hard. I'm currently an emotional wreck. I need a friend to talk to.
aloneinaz Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Welcome, theres plenty of very nice folks here that can help you navigate through your break up. First love break ups are tough. Sadly, the are also very common as people grow out of their teens and into their 20's. If they haven't explored the world or sowed their oats, they are not happy. It appears you both simply grew apart, him more than you. I think you did the correct thing and ended it for YOUR sake. If you can manage it, you should go NC for at least a month to see what shakes of it. In the mean time, use this free time to work on things about yourself. Make new friends, mingle more. There's no easy answer for heartbreak. You simply have to go through it to find peace and happiness on the other side. It will happen for you too.
Author diaryofar Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Welcome, theres plenty of very nice folks here that can help you navigate through your break up. First love break ups are tough. Sadly, the are also very common as people grow out of their teens and into their 20's. If they haven't explored the world or sowed their oats, they are not happy. It appears you both simply grew apart, him more than you. I think you did the correct thing and ended it for YOUR sake. If you can manage it, you should go NC for at least a month to see what shakes of it. In the mean time, use this free time to work on things about yourself. Make new friends, mingle more. There's no easy answer for heartbreak. You simply have to go through it to find peace and happiness on the other side. It will happen for you too. Thank you for the reply. It's uplifting to hear that I didn't make a complete bone head move by ending it. I guess, ultimately, I wish that we could grow back together, if that makes any sense. When I stop crying, and my logical self comes back. I'll realize that space is something we need.
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