confessions of a woman

June 24, 2013

Back story: I'm in a five-year relationship with a guy I've known since high school. We started dating shortly after graduating. We are both college grads, working full time, living together, practically married, the whole shebang. We have had our ups and downs. As its my first and only long term relationship. I can't say I have a lot to compare to it. As the years have gone on, things have gone somewhat stale. I still love him a lot and I would hate to see him hurt. About 6 months ago we broke up for about 2 days and got back together. At the time we had very different schedules and were seeing one another very little despite living together. We fought a lot and realized we were on very different wavelengths. He let me go because he knew i was unhappy. I thought that was what i wanted but was hurting too badly and told him i wanted to stay together. because we still care for each other a lot we decided to make it work. We moved to a different town, got a nicer place, and things have been good ever since. But I still find myself asking, "what if..?" "Where would I be now..?"

Enter new, exciting man. This man is a coworker, but we are also very good friends. When I was having relationship issues, he took interest and offered advice. He confessed that he and his girlfriend (of 2 years) were having similar problems and he really opened up to me. This is when we first got close. He said he was glad to hear my bf and I had worked it out because it gave him hope for his relationship. Let it be known that this guy is literally the nicest guy in the world. That I know anyways. He's also a firefighter, so he's quite the good-ol' boy if you catch my drift. Not to mention, gorgeous from head to toe. Ahem, anyways. On with it, then.

So recently he transferred to my department. Thus we have gotten even closer. But do understand, that despite my infatuation with this guy, I have not initiated anything. So a while back, I covered for him at work so he could go to the fire department. He stopped by work on his way there and gave me my favorite drink and a flower as a thank you. A somewhat small gesture, but I had never been given a flower by a guy before-not even my boyfriend. A few minutes after he left, he texted me telling me that i looked beautiful. He has given me a flower now on three separate occasions, and has told me many times that I look "pretty" or "beautiful". In fact, he did so today. And I can't lie, I certainly enjoy the attention.

He also touches me sometimes, and not inappropriately. He gives me lots of hugs. Like big, bear hugs. He touches my back when he walks up beside me. He will give my shoulder a squeeze as he passes by. Today he went out of his way to say goodbye to me, and just me, at work. When he came up behind me he placed his hand on my back. I got chills down my entire body.

Apart from the physical attention I have received, he has been emotionally supportive. He is very intuitive or aware of my emotions. He can easily tell if something is bothering my and he will ask me if I'm ok. He will text me out of the blue to ask how I'm doing.

He sometimes shows favoritism to me at work, and will try to work with me whenever possible, even commenting that he prefers me to others. And I must , I feel much the same. I enjoy being around him, talking to him, and all of the special attention he gives me. I don't feel as if we really flirt, more that we just jive really well, we click, we connect. I feel as if I've known him forever. He makes me feel important and special. And that leads to a very confused me.

I suppose I needed to get all this off my chest in some way. Its all I can think about. And I need some direction. From anyone who has been in a similar situation. There is obviously some sort of connection here. But what is it? Am I reading too much into this? I used to think so but every day it increases and becomes more intense. Should I ask him how he feels? If it means something? what do you think his behavior means?

Edited June 24, 2013 by wandering_soul

June 24, 2013

Back story: I'm in a five-year relationship with a guy I've known since high school. We started dating shortly after graduating. We are both college grads, working full time, living together, practically married, the whole shebang. We have had our ups and downs. As its my first and only long term relationship. I can't say I have a lot to compare to it. As the years have gone on, things have gone somewhat stale. I still love him a lot and I would hate to see him hurt. About 6 months ago we broke up for about 2 days and got back together. At the time we had very different schedules and were seeing one another very little despite living together. We fought a lot and realized we were on very different wavelengths. He let me go because he knew i was unhappy. I thought that was what i wanted but was hurting too badly and told him i wanted to stay together. because we still care for each other a lot we decided to make it work. We moved to a different town, got a nicer place, and things have been good ever since. But I still find myself asking, "what if..?" "Where would I be now..?"

Similarly, even though my now Husband wasn't my first boyfriend, he was my first serious relationship. Before him, I'd had one boyfriend, whom I'd done nothing with, and before that a guy that I'd only gone as far as second base with. I've often wondered the same as you; if the fact that it was the first serious relationship was the reason for things going stale, and if we were really meant to be "forever". I'll get to my thoughts on the matter on the next point...

Enter new, exciting man. This man is a coworker, but we are also very good
friends. When I was having relationship issues, he took interest and offered
advice. He confessed that he and his girlfriend (of 2 years) were having similar
problems and he really opened up to me. This is when we first got close. He said
he was glad to hear my bf and I had worked it out because it gave him hope for
his relationship. Let it be known that this guy is literally the nicest guy in
the world. That I know anyways. He's also a firefighter, so he's quite the
good-ol' boy if you catch my drift. Not to mention, gorgeous from head to toe.
Ahem, anyways. On with it, then.

Hmm...it's difficult to say if you're experiencing "Grass is Greener Syndrome", or not. It sounds like there is some chemistry...but it may only be temporary. Things of this nature are very tricky, at best.

So recently he transferred to my department. Thus we have gotten even closer.
But do understand, that despite my infatuation with this guy, I have not
initiated anything. So a while back, I covered for him at work so he could go to
the fire department. He stopped by work on his way there and gave me my
favorite drink and a flower as a thank you. A somewhat small gesture, but I had
never been given a flower by a guy before-not even my boyfriend. A few minutes
after he left, he texted me telling me that i looked beautiful. He has given me
a flower now on three separate occasions, and has told me many times that I look
"pretty" or "beautiful". In fact, he did so today. And I can't lie, I certainly
enjoy the attention.

Uh oh. This is starting to enter dangerous territory. You can't help how you, feel, of course; it seems like you're seeing something in him that is currently lacking in your relationship.

He also touches me sometimes, and not inappropriately. He gives me lots of
hugs. Like big, bear hugs. He touches my back when he walks up beside me. He
will give my shoulder a squeeze as he passes by. Today he went out of his way to
say goodbye to me, and just me, at work. When he came up behind me he placed his
hand on my back. I got chills down my entire body.

Apart from the physical attention I have received, he has been emotionally
supportive. He is very intuitive or aware of my emotions. He can easily tell if
something is bothering my and he will ask me if I'm ok. He will text me out of
the blue to ask how I'm doing.

He sometimes shows favoritism to me at work, and will try to work with me
whenever possible, even commenting that he prefers me to others. And I must , I
feel much the same. I enjoy being around him, talking to him, and all of the
special attention he gives me. I don't feel as if we really flirt, more that we
just jive really well, we click, we connect. I feel as if I've known him
forever. He makes me feel important and special. And that leads to a very
confused me.

The confusion I can well understand. You enjoy his company, he enjoys yours. He's not entirely acting appropriately, but nor is he being inappropriate. If I had to guess, he's probably feeling some confusion of his own.

I suppose I needed to get all this off my chest in some way. Its all I can think about. And I need some direction. From anyone who has been in a similar situation. There is obviously some sort of connection here. But what is it? Am I reading too much into this? I used to think so but every day it increases and becomes more intense. Should I ask him how he feels? If it means something? what do you think his behavior means?

I think, at this point, you need to exam the relationship you share with your boyfriend, and exam your own feelings. Perhaps now would be a good time to sit down, and talk with your boyfriend about how you're feeling (in regards to the relationship lacking something). Likewise, let your boyfriend also speak his mind about how he's been feeling.

If your feelings persist for your co-worker, I'd also suggest being honest with your boyfriend about that. It's better that he hears it from you, than from anyone else, or finds out on his own.

So far, you haven't done anything wrong. Be honest with your boyfriend and yourself about how you're feeling. if your co-worker continues to act the way he's been acting, confront him about it; after all, if there are mutual feelings, it's best to get them out on the table. Ask him about his girlfriend. You both could be experiencing a temporary lapse in your relationship that could be fixed, with effort. But, there is also the possibility that it's time to move on. Take your time sorting through all of this, before you make up your mind.

June 24, 2013

Similarly, even though my now Husband wasn't my first boyfriend, he was my first serious relationship. Before him, I'd had one boyfriend, whom I'd done nothing with, and before that a guy that I'd only gone as far as second base with. I've often wondered the same as you; if the fact that it was the first serious relationship was the reason for things going stale, and if we were really meant to be "forever". I'll get to my thoughts on the matter on the next point...

Hmm...it's difficult to say if you're experiencing "Grass is Greener Syndrome", or not. It sounds like there is some chemistry...but it may only be temporary. Things of this nature are very tricky, at best.

Uh oh. This is starting to enter dangerous territory. You can't help how you, feel, of course; it seems like you're seeing something in him that is currently lacking in your relationship.

The confusion I can well understand. You enjoy his company, he enjoys yours. He's not entirely acting appropriately, but nor is he being inappropriate. If I had to guess, he's probably feeling some confusion of his own.

I think, at this point, you need to exam the relationship you share with your boyfriend, and exam your own feelings. Perhaps now would be a good time to sit down, and talk with your boyfriend about how you're feeling (in regards to the relationship lacking something). Likewise, let your boyfriend also speak his mind about how he's been feeling.

If your feelings persist for your co-worker, I'd also suggest being honest with your boyfriend about that. It's better that he hears it from you, than from anyone else, or finds out on his own.

So far, you haven't done anything wrong. Be honest with your boyfriend and yourself about how you're feeling. if your co-worker continues to act the way he's been acting, confront him about it; after all, if there are mutual feelings, it's best to get them out on the table. Ask him about his girlfriend. You both could be experiencing a temporary lapse in your relationship that could be fixed, with effort. But, there is also the possibility that it's time to move on. Take your time sorting through all of this, before you make up your mind.

That was the romantic explanation.

here is another view:

The relationship has become stale--------they all do. OP is comparing her long term stale relationship with the rush of the butterflies. She likes the attention from the prospective OM.

The OM is a cheater and is playing the OP like a violin. The giving advice for her relationship is the oldest trick in the book.

OP has a propensity to cheat.

Her prospective OM is likely a seasoned cheater. I know the moves, I was very good at providing relationship support. This is the key to emotional intimacy and the best way to get a woman in the sac.

June 24, 2013

The story is textbook for an affair at work. They same old!

June 24, 2013

That was the romantic explanation.

here is another view:

The relationship has become stale--------they all do. OP is comparing her long term stale relationship with the rush of the butterflies. She likes the attention from the prospective OM.

The OM is a cheater and is playing the OP like a violin. The giving advice for her relationship is the oldest trick in the book.

OP has a propensity to cheat.

Her prospective OM is likely a seasoned cheater. I know the moves, I was very good at providing relationship support. This is the key to emotional intimacy and the best way to get a woman in the sac.

If mine is the romantic version, than it is either because I don't know any better, or this guy isn't necessarily what you assume him to be.

Granted, you could be right, Pierre; I understand the cynicism whole-heartedly, especially since it was a move you had at one point in time, made yourself. The guy isn't necessarily a cheater-at least, not yet.

I will agree that her feelings could be just the new-ness of it all; but, you can't disregard that sometimes, that does lead to a better relationship. Some stale relationships can be saved, but not all of them.

She needs to figure out for herself which way this goes; even if she decides to leave her boyfriend, and it turns out to be a mistake...it's part of the learning experience. No one can know for sure what love feels like until they truly experience it; and sometimes, that involves taking certain risks.

June 24, 2013

If mine is the romantic version, than it is either because I don't know any better, or this guy isn't necessarily what you assume him to be.

Granted, you could be right, Pierre; I understand the cynicism whole-heartedly, especially since it was a move you had at one point in time, made yourself. The guy isn't necessarily a cheater-at least, not yet.

I will agree that her feelings could be just the new-ness of it all; but, you can't disregard that sometimes, that does lead to a better relationship. Some stale relationships can be saved, but not all of them.

She needs to figure out for herself which way this goes; even if she decides to leave her boyfriend, and it turns out to be a mistake...it's part of the learning experience. No one can know for sure what love feels like until they truly experience it; and sometimes, that involves taking certain risks.

I agree!

Perhaps the guy is an innocent man. Another love bird lost in his two year old relationship with her GF. However, being stale at the two year mark is more severe than being stale after 5 years of living together.

Neither of these two are married and there are no children. When I see a guy with a short term GF looking for extracurricular action I smell a cheater. I know the moves quite well. As men some of us crave variety and love the chase. No one was better than me giving advice to the married ladies than myself. You don't know how many times I heard another cliche: "It is so easy to talk to you, I wish I could talk to my H in this manner".

The best way to get a lady in the sac is by giving her relationship advice:p:p. This guy is good!

The poster is at the crossroads of most long term GF/BF relationships that live together. Furthermore, they were never really committed to each other so an affair is likely. IN fact, OP is already having an EA.

When the EA develops the married person immediately starts to accentuate the negatives of the relationship and somehow the good times are forgotten. I think the OP is a classic.

But, lets go back to the fact that neither are married and there are no kids. Ending their relationships would be rather easy. I smell "cake eaters", I smell the human condition of those that are a bit insecure.

June 24, 2013

I agree!

Perhaps the guy is an innocent man. Another love bird lost in his two year old relationship with her GF. However, being stale at the two year mark is more severe than being stale after 5 years of living together.

Neither of these two are married and there are no children. When I see a guy with a short term GF looking for extracurricular action I smell a cheater. I know the moves quite well. As men some of us crave variety and love the chase. No one was better than me giving advice to the married ladies than myself. You don't know how many times I heard another cliche: "It is so easy to talk to you, I wish I could talk to my H in this manner".

The best way to get a lady in the sac is by giving her relationship advice:p:p. This guy is good!

The poster is at the crossroads of most long term GF/BF relationships that live together. Furthermore, they were never really committed to each other so an affair is likely. IN fact, OP is already having an EA.

When the EA develops the married person immediately starts to accentuate the negatives of the relationship and somehow the good times are forgotten. I think the OP is a classic.

But, lets go back to the fact that neither are married and there are no kids. Ending their relationships would be rather easy. I smell "cake eaters", I smell the human condition of those that are a bit insecure.

If the OP isn't careful, it certainly could wind up PA rather quickly. I agree; it would be much easier for the OP and this guy to end their relationships, than a couple with children (marriage adding further complications, though common law with children is definitely still a difficult one).

OP, I'm sure you're a nice, caring, wonderful person-but take it from us. At this point, you are balancing on the edge of a knife. You need to decide for yourself where this is going. I really, really suggest, that if you and this co-worker get any closer, you end your current relationship. Affairs make things so much harder, hon. So please, for your own sake, use extreme caution and discretion in all of this.

June 24, 2013

Talking to him about it will only lead to sex. His feelings are obvious.

You were the one asking your bf to work things out, so respect him enough to break up with him without cheating on him. I'm in my 30s and I'll strongly recommend you do. You'll change a lot ij the next decade and the worst thing you can do is get stuck working it out from such a young age. You can find somebody better suited before you'll want kids.

As for the handome, flower offering firefighter, don't cast yourself in the other woman role if you want something else. Being the other woman is not an entry position, it's a dead end one most of the times. Be an adult, ask him to leave his R, leave yours and give it a try. There are no excuses of marriages, kids, pets, mortgages and long histories together.

June 24, 2013

If the OP isn't careful, it certainly could wind up PA rather quickly. I agree; it would be much easier for the OP and this guy to end their relationships, than a couple with children (marriage adding further complications, though common law with children is definitely still a difficult one).

OP, I'm sure you're a nice, caring, wonderful person-but take it from us. At this point, you are balancing on the edge of a knife. You need to decide for yourself where this is going. I really, really suggest, that if you and this co-worker get any closer, you end your current relationship. Affairs make things so much harder, hon. So please, for your own sake, use extreme caution and discretion in all of this.

This is very good advise!

I also want to add that what OP feels is nothing special. It may be special to her, but in the end this is a common garden variety EA at the workplace.

The workplace is fertile ground for these type of EAs because it brings men and women together in close quarters.

Lastly, the romance in EAs feels much more intense because of the hurdles and barriers. She needs ro be careful here. She could be trading a BMW for a cheap Chevy.

June 24, 2013

the guy at work wants an affair which is not the same as a relationship, he already has a girlfriend, be careful, he's charming in certain settings, yes, but please do not become his sidepiece

you might want to both ditch your existing partners and then see where you are, but make sure he does leave her, men can change their minds

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