How to explain a troubled past to a man?

[thecrucible]

I am 23 now. When I was 17, I had a clinical depression and daddy issues. For some reason I cannot possibly fathom, I felt that my father did not give me enough love and attention as a child. I was vulnerable and went off the rails, getting myself into disturbing situations involving sexual assault. I tried to act confident around men, and sought validation from their approval. I did not know I was doing this at the time - I was a tad crazy. It was so bad that I would neglect my friends and ended up slightly socially isolated. I was also a little bit self-absorbed and insincere.

 

I ended up dating this guy who was controlling and violent towards me when I was 18. I internalized this, thinking it was my fault and not realising my own worth. When dating him, I started developing panic attacks and was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I was in a dark place and started seeking help. I got a little better but kept sliding back into it without ever fully recovering for a couple of years. I couldn't walk past a man in the street without being fearful.

 

Then I went on the rebound with a guy who, though he wasn't violent towards me, had a low opinion of women and would emotionally manipulate me. This relationship brought down my self-esteem again and I ended up cheating on him. I am ashamed about this episode but I understand that I did it because I felt lonely, trapped, and unloved. If I could take it back, I really would. I felt so bad about it that I got into a path of self-sabotage. I'd block myself out mentally from the world like I couldn't feel anything. I did some things I wouldn't do now - having a bit of casual sex (though for the release this time, not the validation) but it was all part of a grander epiphany and taught me some painful lessons about life and men. I stopped the casual sex several months ago.

 

So I am feeling better now. A girl from school approached me a few weeks ago and said that I seemed so much more confident than I was at school, I am making more friends now, putting effort into my friendships and am no longer emotionally affected by experiences which I found traumatic. Suffice to say, I won't ever be perfect, but I feel so much healthier and happier in a way I can't describe. There is no longer a dark cloud over my head and I actually like myself now.

 

Now I have started to take an interest in this guy who knows people from my past. I am trying not to get too ahead of myself but I kinda like him. Thing is because he knows those people, he may ask about me. I feel a bit paranoid and wonder what he might know about me that he's heard from others. I am not the person I was in the past and I don't know what those people will say. I want to be able to tell my side of the story before anyone else does. I know that he at least likes me a little, and I don't want my past to unsettle him.

 

I don't regret my past because it taught me how to be happy. But of course, people will think that a leopard never changes its spots.

 

Guys, what would you think if a girl had a troubled past but you enjoyed her as she is now? Would you still think about her past? When is the right time to tell someone about the past? How do you do this without coming across as too full on/intense?

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

I think if you really like the guy and he really likes you then you shouldn't be worried, you seem like you overcame the bad things that happened to you (congrats) so it is a part of you and made you who you are so just tell it like you told us.

[CptSaveAho]

just like you explained it here...

 

i read it and my first response was "thats a smart 23 year old"

[Tinie]

I'm a girl, so it's not exactly a guy opinion but...

 

The past is the past. There's nothing you can do about it now. If a guy likes you, why should he throw away a chance at happiness with you because of mistakes you made years back that taught you important life lessons and made you who you are today? You are not that person now. A guy who can't realize that has not matured yet.

[thatone]

I am 23 now. When I was 17, I had a clinical depression and daddy issues. For some reason I cannot possibly fathom, I felt that my father did not give me enough love and attention as a child. I was vulnerable and went off the rails, getting myself into disturbing situations involving sexual assault. I tried to act confident around men, and sought validation from their approval. I did not know I was doing this at the time - I was a tad crazy. It was so bad that I would neglect my friends and ended up slightly socially isolated. I was also a little bit self-absorbed and insincere.

 

I ended up dating this guy who was controlling and violent towards me when I was 18. I internalized this, thinking it was my fault and not realising my own worth. When dating him, I started developing panic attacks and was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I was in a dark place and started seeking help. I got a little better but kept sliding back into it without ever fully recovering for a couple of years. I couldn't walk past a man in the street without being fearful.

 

Then I went on the rebound with a guy who, though he wasn't violent towards me, had a low opinion of women and would emotionally manipulate me. This relationship brought down my self-esteem again and I ended up cheating on him. I am ashamed about this episode but I understand that I did it because I felt lonely, trapped, and unloved. If I could take it back, I really would. I felt so bad about it that I got into a path of self-sabotage. I'd block myself out mentally from the world like I couldn't feel anything. I did some things I wouldn't do now - having a bit of casual sex (though for the release this time, not the validation) but it was all part of a grander epiphany and taught me some painful lessons about life and men. I stopped the casual sex several months ago.

 

So I am feeling better now. A girl from school approached me a few weeks ago and said that I seemed so much more confident than I was at school, I am making more friends now, putting effort into my friendships and am no longer emotionally affected by experiences which I found traumatic. Suffice to say, I won't ever be perfect, but I feel so much healthier and happier in a way I can't describe. There is no longer a dark cloud over my head and I actually like myself now.

 

Now I have started to take an interest in this guy who knows people from my past. I am trying not to get too ahead of myself but I kinda like him. Thing is because he knows those people, he may ask about me. I feel a bit paranoid and wonder what he might know about me that he's heard from others. I am not the person I was in the past and I don't know what those people will say. I want to be able to tell my side of the story before anyone else does. I know that he at least likes me a little, and I don't want my past to unsettle him.

 

I don't regret my past because it taught me how to be happy. But of course, people will think that a leopard never changes its spots.

 

Guys, what would you think if a girl had a troubled past but you enjoyed her as she is now? Would you still think about her past? When is the right time to tell someone about the past? How do you do this without coming across as too full on/intense?

 

Most men aren't in the habit of taking relationship advice from others. Not nearly as much as women do, anyway.

 

Quite simply, if he likes you he won't care what others say or don't say about you.

 

You should not voluntarily tell him any of this stuff. There is no reason to justify your past to someone who wasn't present in your past. If you are still affected by the same tendencies it will come out. If not, then things will go fine. Ever way shamefully trying to explain yourself to someone you're dating is a bad idea.

Edited June 24, 2013 by thatone

[Ninjainpajamas]

Your past is your own to justify for yourself and only you will fully understand that because you were the one going through it, so unless you meet someone of similar history or circumstances/issues or great understanding, you may only know why and how come (hopefully) and that is progressive, to be able to relate and reflect on many things and actually move on from them...that is not something all people achieve even after attempting to for years.

 

My biggest worry with you would be the issues and problems you still harbor, while at 23 you may have moved on in many ways however I'm certain there still are some deep-seeded issues that come from that...our experiences shape and form us for better or worse and typically affect us in some shape or form that resonate from childhood experiences especially such as yours that have played a role in how you to acted out...now you may be more self-aware and be able to prevent certain circumstances from reoccurring yet there is still more to learn....you are now harboring the guilt and seeking validation through confirmation of your past.

 

For your age I wouldn't worry too deeply about these things though, these are things you'll learn throughout your life, you'll understand yourself much better late 20's 30's than you do even now. I would also refrain from sharing and expressing these things with men unless you're in a committed and trusting relationship, many guys may not react properly or maturely to this information or realize how to respond to it.

 

If he has any concern about your past he will get back to you, and if he's just going to drop you like a rock then he's not right for you. I know you'd want a hand and changing or manipulating that to your liking but if the guy is going to go completely based on rumors without confronting you then he doesn't deserve an explanation anyway and if he does come to you after this information is found then you can essentially explain what you did here...it's up to him whether to accept that or not, not your decision. If he feels for any reason that isn't to his standards or liking or what not then let him go, don't try and force a guy to accept something he cannot or will not.

 

Let the chips fall how they may...if you start a conversation with him about his out of the blue he might get really concerned about what is out there, so much that you need to actually make a preemptive strike to soften the blow of what he "might" hear from others...and at this time I don't really think he needs an explanation regardless, if someone else shares that information that's bad on them and people you shouldn't associate with anyway....that might be a sign to get out of your circle and date people that aren't connected to your past.

 

I know your gut reaction is to fix this before it's broken because you don't want to lose the guy or whatever, but you'll learn that the chips fall where they do for a reason and it's much easier letting things go naturally on their own course than trying to manipulate everything and control it...I really doubt you're going to prevent or make anything easier on yourself in the end...all in all It's not even worth it.

 

IMO go date someone else, you're just starting to "gain an interest in this guy, be smart and fish outside the local pond. Plus I question the people you hang out with if they're from the same past you've supposedly moved on from...I don't get why the same social circle would be involved in that at face value.

[RedRobin]

I'd recommend taking a bit more time to feel really solid with yourself before trying dating again.

 

I'll also second the advice from another poster and find a new circle of friends who can support your movement towards positive growth.

[thecrucible]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I will go along with doing what I was going to anyway. I won't bring it up with him, not least because I'm not close enough to him and it'll seem like there's more to it if I bring it up. I also don't perceive my past to be part of me now, and see no need to put a dampener on the situation.

 

This guy I am interested in, did not know the controlling boyfriends of my past. I even mentioned their names and he does not know who they are. The old boyfriends were not in that social circle, except by association with me. And although the people in my old circle know my ex, they do not know that he was abusive towards me. I have shared that information with very few people. The people in that circle probably only know what he might have mentioned, if he sought to mention it. I should note that I am not part of that circle now. These are people I knew at university.

 

And I agree with what you said about the fact that anyone who's mature enough, will understand that everyone has a past. It's not about what happened, but how it has been dealt with. I'm aware that I may have some of the same tendencies but it's not the same as it was. I no longer find controlling men attractive, am better at spotting them, and can stand up for myself in general. The thing is though, I can't wait forever to date. I will never be a perfect person and I can only know what I know and grow through real life experiences. That's why I've been on a few dates with people and am seeing how it goes. I will do what you mentioned though and consider other options. I have turned some men down recently who I knew weren't right for me, so I know for a fact that I am not desperate for any guy's attention.

 

As I said above, I have a diagnosed mental health condition. It is not something that'll just disappear but I've learnt to deal with it a hell of a lot better. I no longer have panic attacks, I get less nervous and am better at nipping it in the bud if I know that I am about to experience a bad mood.

 

work on your self esteem,read self help books, get consuling,do sports.

get some self defence classes.

etc.

things that can help you grow etc

 

I am doing all of those. I go for runs everyday. I now look after my appearance better and take a certain pride in how I look.

 

and once you are really stable you should also start asking around

about the dudes you are interested into.

before going any further.

so you can know how they are known.

 

Yes I am doing that with this guy, although I'll have to ask people closer to him.

 

dont be blind for the red flags.

and know how to recognize signs of a abuser or controlling person.

when you feel this is wrong.get out.

dont stay for some more hour.etc.or daya or years.

 

Yeah I know that now. With my abuser, he relied on the fact that I wouldn't share much about the relationship with my friends. Now I have them to confide in as well as my mother and so I think the chances of me falling into that again, are lesser. But yes I am aware that some abuse is covert and hopefully I will pick up on it. I have read all about it, I have acknowledged my role, I have understood the signs. Now it's just getting out there and looking. I definitely do not take people at face value anyway. And I regularly read a blog called baggagereclaim which helps to cement those ideas in my head. Recently I called out a guy's behaviour as controlling so my best friend will not get involved with him now. Think my head is screwed on tighter now.

 

and take time to know people.

dont jump into it fast.

 

Don't worry. I am taking time for personal growth. For the first time ever, I'm not in too deep with this guy, just waiting to see how it goes. I'm aware about moving fast because this is part of the reason I got involved with the men of my past. Now I know not to move too fast, I instantly go off people who do. I just do not want to go into that again. I also know how to spot negative people who'll suck me dry.

[thecrucible]

I'd recommend taking a bit more time to feel really solid with yourself before trying dating again.

 

How much time do you think I need? Have taken a couple of years, and I'm aware that it takes time to heal. I can be patient with myself. And I can see what you're getting at.

 

I'll also second the advice from another poster and find a new circle of friends who can support your movement towards positive growth.

 

Yeah I'm getting better at this too. I have made some more friends, friends I would not have before. I am distancing myself from people who are manipulative. Some of my friends had similar issues to me and I realise that this is how I ended up being friends with them. Making new friends is harder but it's something I'm actively doing for once. I love meeting new people and getting to know them. Currently I'm on the job search too, so I'm sure this is a good incentive as well. Actually that is probably a reason to be cautious about dating - the fact that I'm not fully settled yet. With that in mind, I'm going to see what happens with this guy. If I remain single, I will opt out from the dating process. But I know I will be fairly local for at least another year.

[RedRobin]

How much time do you think I need? Have taken a couple of years, and I'm aware that it takes time to heal. I can be patient with myself. And I can see what you're getting at.

 

 

 

Yeah I'm getting better at this too. I have made some more friends, friends I would not have before. I am distancing myself from people who are manipulative. Some of my friends had similar issues to me and I realise that this is how I ended up being friends with them. Making new friends is harder but it's something I'm actively doing for once. I love meeting new people and getting to know them. Currently I'm on the job search too, so I'm sure this is a good incentive as well. Actually that is probably a reason to be cautious about dating - the fact that I'm not fully settled yet. With that in mind, I'm going to see what happens with this guy. If I remain single, I will opt out from the dating process. But I know I will be fairly local for at least another year.

 

I was glad to read your earlier post. It sounds like you have developed some healthy new habits... I especially liked to hear you started running... I've been a runner and active my entire adult life... has seen me through many major crisis.

 

How much time before dating? I wish I could tell you that.

 

You do seem to have a lot of irons in the fire right now. If this guy can be truly supportive of the healthy things you are doing for yourself, then yes, give it a shot. But focus on your future.

[therhythm]

My advise is not to worry too much about your past, if you give it a great importance other people will do that too.

If in a given moment the guy shows interest on you be honest about who you are and if he is the right guy he will accept you and love you for who you are today regardless how you got there

 

Good luck and you have my admiration and respect for fighting for yourself and getting to improve your life!

[Phantom888]

I dated a woman with a troubled past. She was raped, had casual sex, drugs, alcohol and everything. She did it when she was much older than you (28 - 38), and when I met her she was already 46. She was honest about her past, and though it bothered me she slept with so many strangers in the past, I was willing to move past that and have a relationship with her. I only broke up with her because I found out she was having internet webcam sex with 20-year old boys right before I met her, and to me that is sick behavior. Those boys were younger than her daughter... so I assumed she had deep seeded issues that really did not improve, even though she assured me she was recovered.

 

I think you need to go to a professional, and get a clean bill of health before you move forward to a new relationship. It's very important to understand and love yourself before you can love someone else. I wish you best of luck.

[thecrucible]

I think you need to go to a professional, and get a clean bill of health before you move forward to a new relationship. It's very important to understand and love yourself before you can love someone else. I wish you best of luck.

 

I agree. I feel so much more confident now and I did see a professional and get lots of therapy which helped a lot (saw him for about a year). I am open to seeing a therapist again if I need to. I think the most important thing I've learnt is to take responsibility for my own problems, realise my weaknesses and not lean on others excessively for help. It's a process I think and I feel that I've already gone past the biggest hump. Now feeling positive about better things on the horizon but not forgetting to help myself.

 

I completely see what posters here have been getting at. Now that I'm a lot better, I have to keep going in same direction and not lose my identity in a relationship again, focus on learning more about myself. Well at the very least I don't feel like a lonely single. I don't even feel single. I feel like me and that life is going well currently. Will take the advice about thinking about my future, not let myself get carried away with anything fleeting.

[thecrucible]

I was glad to read your earlier post. It sounds like you have developed some healthy new habits... I especially liked to hear you started running... I've been a runner and active my entire adult life... has seen me through many major crisis.

 

Yeah I will take your suggestion and be cautious. Not so nervous about dating now because I feel more in control and more confident, feel that I can opt out of a situation which doesn't make me happy and give me what I want. I'll take my life to focus on myself, and if I feel that I'm devoting energy in one area excessively, whether that be dating or something else, I'll cut back. I like going on dates but I'm in no rush to settle down.

 

Oh I love running - gives me great peace of mind, and I'm glad to be doing something healthy. I feel better knowing that I'm taking care of myself. Sometimes I feel really anxious or stressed out and it makes me a whole lot calmer.

[shexy]

Hmmm, I could have written your original post 18 years ago.... I have a very similar past.

 

I've spent all the years since keeping most of that time in my life a secret quite honestly. I"ve not really trusted any man enough to tell him the whole story :-\ NOT good.

[TheGuard13]

I question whether a man needs to know all that. Not many of them will be able to handle those kinds of disclosures, to be honest. That's not to say there aren't those who will. The girl I'm seeing told me she was raped and had an affair when we first started dating, and I pretty much took it in stride.