DeProfundis Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Hey, this is my first post. Intense and overwhelming emotional pain has brought me here. As well as guilt and a substantial amount of self-hatred. I have a hard time expressing how I feel because I experience my feelings so intensely and impulsively that by the time I even get the opportunity to talk it out, it's gone. I hurt the person I love and lost him in the process. I don't know why I did it. I don't ever know why I hurt the ones closest to me. Maybe it's fear. Insecurity. Maybe I am so terrified of getting hurt that I do it first. What a cliche, right? Maybe I'm just bad. Maybe I enjoy hurting others because it makes me feel powerful. It makes me feel like I have control when I spend the rest of my time feeling helpless. I was happy. Happier than I've ever been with anyone. He completed me. Balanced me out. Brought me back down to Earth while still keeping my heart elevated in some kind of emotional paradise. He's good. A good, honest, kind person. A sweet and loving man. He's beautiful, inside and out. He gave me something no one has ever given me. He made me feel safe. For a while, at least. Until my own insecurities clouded my judgement and destroyed everything. I said things to him no one should ever say, I looked at him with such cold eyes . I hurt him. I could see the pain in his face. I could feel his heart breaking but I couldn't stop. There was a voice in my head telling me to shut up. Telling me that I don't mean any of the things I am saying and that I am going to lose him if I don't stop. But I kept going. I kept destroying what we had, one sentence at a time, one perfectly crafted insult after another. I walked away from him but I had no desire to do it. I told him it was over and I was leaving him but there wasn't a single honest part of me that truly wanted that. I tried to take it back. I told him that I am a sick person. That I hurt those around me from time to time and I can't stop myself. I told him that even though I said what I said, he means more to me than I could ever possibly express. I told him that I love him and I want to be there for him, be there to support him and make him happy, be there to experience life as it comes together, and that I wanted to be better for him. I told him I wanted to change, I wanted to be the best version of myself I could ever become for him. But it was too late. He couldn't even look at me. He flinched when I tried to touch him as though I was holding a weapon threatening his life. He remained silent and pained and told me that there's no going back after what I said, after I tried to walk away from him, after I hurt him that much. He said he didn't know how he felt anymore. He didn't make eye contact with me once. I've felt broken since. Waiting to hear from him, hoping that with time he will forgive me. Hoping that maybe he is the one who can accept me with all my flaws and evil tendencies. Maybe his love for me can inspire a level of forgiveness that should almost be unnatural. But I have gotten nothing but silence. Uncertainty. Pain. Heartbreak. Hatred. Hatred for myself. Why do I do this? Why do I push them away? Why have I always done this? I can't cry. I haven't cried in years. I feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable and anxious and angry and like I am constantly on the verge of a breakdown that never really comes. I feel things building up inside of me every minute but I never get a release. I really love him. But my actions don't show that and words are cheap when it comes to matters of the heart. I can't seem to find any escape from how I feel right now. I just sit and smoke and each cigarette takes away the pain and brings it right back as I inhale and exhale. I sit and I drink and every sip takes me further into the darkness of my mind. I go out and try to distract myself but every word anyone else has to offer me just can't penetrate this wall inside of me. I can't sleep because I am haunted by thoughts of him. Thoughts of how happy I was. How happy he was. Thoughts of our plans. Thoughts of our silly moments together. And thoughts of how I ruined it.
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Firstly, I'm sorry about your situation. I can't say I know what it's like, but I can imagine it. Have you ever gone to counselling of any sort? Perhaps a therapist can help you define what this is, and help you to overcome it. It sounds very complex, emotionally. When you say the terrible things you say, are you sober at the time, or are you drinking? If the latter, perhaps it's something that stems from that. I really think therapy might be the best course of action for you; if you can figure out why you do these things, perhaps you can learn to control it, or reach the heart of the problem, thus eradicating it. Be patient with yourself. No one changes overnight. As long as you put forth the effort, I'm sure things will improve.
Author DeProfundis Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 I've had therapists my whole life. Not only that, I am in the process of getting a Ph.D in psychology! I thought I had worked through my problems, my anger, my resentment, my insecurities and trust issues, all stemming from my childhood. And yet I still push people away. I still get so terrified of someone leaving me or not loving me anymore or doing anything to hurt me that I do it first and then I am left alone and heartbroken and it is my fault. I don't even know how you're supposed to deal with heartbreak if you're the one who caused it? I can't be angry with him or hurt that he betrayed me in some way, I can't hate him or say I am better off without him. Those are all the typical things people say to each other to help right? What can be said to help me? Do I even deserve to be helped?
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I've had therapists my whole life. Have they touched on what the problem is? Not only that, I am in the process of getting a Ph.D in psychology! So you have a good understanding of the human psyche, then. In that event, have you compared any of your characteristics to the ones you've learned about? It's also something I've begun thinking of looking into. Ultimately, I'd like to be a writer, but I also am interested in psychology. I'm taking looking into schooling for it, provided I'm still interested when I can afford it. I thought I had worked through my problems, my anger, my resentment, my insecurities and trust issues, all stemming from my childhood. And yet I still push people away. I still get so terrified of someone leaving me or not loving me anymore or doing anything to hurt me that I do it first and then I am left alone and heartbroken and it is my fault. They say recognizing and admitting the problem is the first step. You know your feelings stem from anxiety, and fear of abandonment. With this knowledge, perhaps you can begin to re-route your way of thinking. When you feel the impulse to lash out based on fear, take a deep breath, and stop yourself. It's going to take time, and you may need to take baby steps...but I think you can do it, as long as you try to remain conscious and self-aware of it. I don't even know how you're supposed to deal with heartbreak if you're the one who caused it? It's actually fairly common for even the person who initiated the break up to still grieve. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Perhaps with time, the man you hurt will have it in him to forgive you, and hear what you have to say. Was he aware of any of your issues with anxiety and abandonment? If not, perhaps he'll understand, once he's cooled down. I can't be angry with him or hurt that he betrayed me in some way, I can't hate him or say I am better off without him. Those are all the typical things people say to each other to help right? What can be said to help me? Do I even deserve to be helped? Yes, you do deserve to be helped. You may have said horrible things to him, but you feel deep remorse for it. You have demons to slay-as does everyone, to some degree or other-but you do deserve to be happy, and to feel loved, comforted, and happy. I'm not sure what to say. I wish I could tell you everything will be alright...but, the change has to come from within you. I think you want to make those changes, and since you do, you will be able to. Try to think in positive terms. Each experience, good or bad, serves to be a life lesson. You can either become stronger, or it breaks you. Try to take the good from it, and you will begin your healing process. 1
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