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New here...looking for support while trying to accept recent breakup!

LostInLove79

By LostInLove79
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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LostInLove79 Member

LostInLove79

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Hello to all of you! I have been reading the posts on this site for a while now, as I have been trying to get over a recent break up. I finally have the confidence to post!

 

I won't bore you all with too many details, but he broke up with me 2 months ago (we were together for 9 months). It felt very out of the blue to me...he cried and cried as he told me he did not want to break up, but felt that he HAD to. He mentioned hoping he would regret the decision later, and also possible fear of commitment. He explained that he was not leaving for another woman (he is still single), but he needed to find his happy self again, and he felt that he wasn't able to give me what I deserve in the relationship due to his other commitments. He is 37, never married and no kids...I am 34 and the same.

 

I have since committed all of the classic "dumpee mistakes." I pushed him even further away as I tried to salvage the relationship. I have read all about No Contact as a way of moving on, but I cannot seem to make it past two weeks! My heart and mind are playing tug-o-war...I know I need to move on and let him go, but I can't stop wondering if I will ever hear from him again? We have had very limited contact since the break up. All contact has been a result of my initiating it...for the most part he continues to ignore all of my attempts to speak, including my request for him to repay some money he owes me, as well as return some of my belongings.

 

I am seeking support and words of wisdom! The questions I ask myself: I am a beautiful, professional woman, own my home, etc..Why did he leave? Will I ever hear from him again? Is there a chance if I just stop trying to contact him that he will at least speak with me one day? How can I get my mind and heart on the same page and move on??? I want so badly to wake up on day an not think about him. Thank you in advance for any support!!

aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

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Sorry to hear you're still struggling with the ending of that relationship. From what you wrote, he's moved on and considers the relationship DEAD. He's not contacting you what-so-ever. I know how flipping hard it is to be in your positions but your only option is to follow the NC FOR YOUR sanity to allow you to heal and move forward. If you keep having contact with him, it just keeps the wound open.

 

I've been no contact now for 3 1/2 weeks. It's REALLY helped me to review the relationship in a fresh manner and realize I was in a toxic relationship with a toxic woman. Even with that said, there's still things I miss about her (her kids being one) but it makes it easier as well. Time does heal all wounds.

 

Keep posting here and reading other threads. It does help.

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LostInLove79 Member

LostInLove79

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Thank you! It's very hard when you have to face the realization that the person you met is not the person they truly are. I know that it will get better...I just wish I had a fast forward button to speed up the healing process!!! I need to realize that it IS his loss, and there is nothing I can do to change the situation.

 

Maybe he did me a favor? He may have just opened the door for me to meet Mr. Wonderful??

StrongLass Established Member

StrongLass

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Sounds to me like he's completely pulled away due to HIS OWN personal issues while you're trying to find reasons why you were be the problem (you're not, stop it! :laugh: ) He even said so himself.

 

I'd send him an email/text with instructions on how you want your stuff dropped off/mailed. If he ignores that well...you could try having a friend drop by to get all of it. As for the money....if it's a small amount I'd let it go, if it isn't you could take legal action :sick: unpleasant though that is.

 

For what it's worth I'm on day 54 of NC myself from a 3 year relationship, so just know that it's doable even though it seems impossible now. :cool:

hellischrome Established Member

hellischrome

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Hi LostinLove - that's the right way to think about it. You needed space for that new someone you are going to meet soon - no worries, he will come :-)

 

Actually I am impressed cause what your BF told to you it's exactly what my current BF said to me yesterday... I went through the worst steps - being angry, then begging, then playing cool - to make him change his mind and eventually he did change his mind and didn't leave me, but I know I am under observation now and it's hard...

 

You've been through this before me as I am living it now, suggestions...?

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LostInLove79 Member

LostInLove79

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Hi LostinLove - that's the right way to think about it. You needed space for that new someone you are going to meet soon - no worries, he will come :-)

 

Actually I am impressed cause what your BF told to you it's exactly what my current BF said to me yesterday... I went through the worst steps - being angry, then begging, then playing cool - to make him change his mind and eventually he did change his mind and didn't leave me, but I know I am under observation now and it's hard...

 

You've been through this before me as I am living it now, suggestions...?

 

I feel like I am the worst person to give advice on the subject. I know I did all of the wrong things! I pushed him away by not giving him the space that he requested. All I wanted was to hang onto the relationship, and it pushed him further and further away! Give him space if it seems like he's needing some. My emotions also got the best of me, and I acted out of character and ended up saying things I did not mean. That only made things worse!

 

I envy the fact that yours stayed to work things out...what I would give for a second chance...

 

I'm in the stage of anger right now, and just praying everyday that I can forget about him...

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aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

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Maybe he did me a favor? He may have just opened the door for me to meet Mr. Wonderful??

 

That's exactly the way you need to view it. Most broken relationships don't last long term. My ex and I broke up and got back together was too many times. It wasn't cause we "were meant to be", it was because we were lonely, hurting and it was a quick cure to end the break up pain. Each reconciliation was shorter and shorter in time. It was just a disaster, plain and simple. All it did was cause me to have to suffer breakup pain repeatedly vs. enduring it once and moving on.

 

They say the relationship is broken up because it broke. I know LOTS of people who do not believe in a second chance. I clearly know why now.

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LostInLove79 Member

LostInLove79

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Sounds to me like he's completely pulled away due to HIS OWN personal issues while you're trying to find reasons why you were be the problem (you're not, stop it! :laugh: ) He even said so himself.

 

I'd send him an email/text with instructions on how you want your stuff dropped off/mailed. If he ignores that well...you could try having a friend drop by to get all of it. As for the money....if it's a small amount I'd let it go, if it isn't you could take legal action :sick: unpleasant though that is.

 

For what it's worth I'm on day 54 of NC myself from a 3 year relationship, so just know that it's doable even though it seems impossible now. :cool:

 

 

Thank you! I have tried to give him instructions and accommodate him as much as possible to get my belongings (and give him his), but he just ignores me! Being ignored is the worst feeling in the world! It feels so terrible when a person who confessed their love to you everyday now treats you as if you don't exist! I've thought of just letting the money go...it's about $1000. It might not break the bank, but it's the principle of the matter...it makes me so angry! I guess if the shoe was on the other foot, and I left him, I would've paid him back immediately for a clean break. At this point I feel like he's ignoring me and not paying me back just to be a jerk.

 

I know I need to let it go, but I am so disappointed with myself for even caring about this guy! If I could make it to 54 days, I would throw myself a party! :laugh: Has your ex tried to contact you at all during this time?

aisuru Established Member

aisuru

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Welcome to the rejected hearts club. Like you, I am a professional independent woman in my mid 30s who has never married or had kids. My breakup was out of the blue (but a little not?) about 3 months ago.

 

I understand your urge and desire to contact him as I tried, very minimally, to do the same. Mind you, I had never been the initiator of calls, texts, or emails before or during our dating time. In fact, he had asked me to move in with him. So who knows...

 

I can tell you that though hard, it gets easier.

 

Time to write a list of short term goals, or things, you can do for yourself right now. Eventually, you will realize, hopefully, that all things happen for a reason.

 

I miss my ex too. I understand.

 

I can tell you it gets easier to get through the coming days. Easier to go minutes or hours without thinking of them. Easier to remain no contact. Easier to imagine a life without them.

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LostInLove79 Member

LostInLove79

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They say the relationship is broken up because it broke. I know LOTS of people who do not believe in a second chance. I clearly know why now.

 

I see this posted a lot on here. I agree for the most part, but I have seen some successful reconciliations. I think it's definitely not the norm, though. I think the hard part is when you are the one who is dumped, and you don't necessarily see what is "broken" at first. I am still trying to figure it out! In my situation, we argued about petty things, but otherwise it was a very healthy relationship. Deep down I truly know him leaving had more to do with his issues and not mine, but the rejection is tough and leaves me with feelings of worthlessness.

 

I would be shocked if I ever heard from the guy again!

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LostInLove79 Member

LostInLove79

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Welcome to the rejected hearts club. Like you, I am a professional independent woman in my mid 30s who has never married or had kids. My breakup was out of the blue (but a little not?) about 3 months ago.

 

I understand your urge and desire to contact him as I tried, very minimally, to do the same. Mind you, I had never been the initiator of calls, texts, or emails before or during our dating time. In fact, he had asked me to move in with him. So who knows...

 

I can tell you that though hard, it gets easier.

 

Time to write a list of short term goals, or things, you can do for yourself right now. Eventually, you will realize, hopefully, that all things happen for a reason.

 

I miss my ex too. I understand.

 

I can tell you it gets easier to get through the coming days. Easier to go minutes or hours without thinking of them. Easier to remain no contact. Easier to imagine a life without them.

 

Did you do anything in particular that helped you accept it? How long did it take before it got easier for you?

 

I've been through break ups before...for some reason this one really hurts...

aisuru Established Member

aisuru

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Did you do anything in particular that helped you accept it? How long did it take before it got easier for you?

 

I've been through break ups before...for some reason this one really hurts...

 

I haven't accepted it 100%, but I have accepted he has the right to end it. There is a difference.

 

I flip around between anger and depression right now. More depression with minimized burst of anger.

 

But I have some other things to work on anyway, reasons that we shouldn't have dated to begin with. Things that I wish I had worked out before I met him because I think in another time, we might have been better aligned in our life paths.

 

I just know it will be better some day. I regret I wasn't working more on myself before and after I met him to avoid this heartbreak. I also acknowledge I had some of my own reservations about the relationship and where it was going.

 

I still hurt. I still regret. I still miss him.

 

It just takes time and determination.

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LostInLove79 Member

LostInLove79

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I haven't accepted it 100%, but I have accepted he has the right to end it. There is a difference.

 

I flip around between anger and depression right now. More depression with minimized burst of anger.

 

But I have some other things to work on anyway, reasons that we shouldn't have dated to begin with. Things that I wish I had worked out before I met him because I think in another time, we might have been better aligned in our life paths.

 

I just know it will be better some day. I regret I wasn't working more on myself before and after I met him to avoid this heartbreak. I also acknowledge I had some of my own reservations about the relationship and where it was going.

 

I still hurt. I still regret. I still miss him.

 

It just takes time and determination.

 

Wow...You seem so strong!!!!

 

I feel stuck between anger and depression. I am trying very hard to find acceptance in the situation. I feel like it was a timing issue for him and I. I know that it will get easier, and that I just need to find the strength to walk away with my head held high.

 

I can't lie though...a part of me wishes I would one day get the satisfaction of hearing him say he made a mistake, but I know that I shouldn't expect that or hang onto that thought. It is not realistic...

hellischrome Established Member

hellischrome

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LostinLove79 thanks for your reply.

I dont think that we are not the right persons to give out advice on things we have done wrong - infact it's the opposite as we are well aware of our mistakes.

 

And you seem pretty aware, and awareness is another step towards being happy again! I am sure it will take a while, but after that you will be alright... it's sad to say this, but time passes, and people pass too...

hoping2heal Established Member

hoping2heal

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It felt very out of the blue to me...he cried and cried as he told me he did not want to break up, but felt that he HAD to. He mentioned hoping he would regret the decision later, and also possible fear of commitment.

 

Doesn't want to break up but then hoping he'll later regret doing it? That makes no sense.

 

I have read all about No Contact as a way of moving on, but I cannot seem to make it past two weeks!

 

You are capable of it, you just don't want to do it. It's painful, it hurts, it's no fun. I've been there but cutting contact really is very helpful. You just have to do it. Yes, it will make you feel like crap for awhile. Loss isn't fun, it's very painful and crappy but there's nothing in your power you can do to get this relationship back.

 

 

including my request for him to repay some money he owes me, as well as return some of my belongings.

 

Did the guy actually owe you money? Breaking up is one thing, but if there was an understanding between the two of you that money would be repaid (should have been handled at the time of break up) that just doesn't bode well for his character. Was it just a one-off? You mentioned being a professional. How about this guy? Have his own stable and gainful employment, place to live, etc. ?

 

I am seeking support and words of wisdom! The questions I ask myself: I am a beautiful, professional woman, own my home, etc..Why did he leave?

 

Why he left isn't important, except it tells you that this man couldn't offer what you both need and deserve.

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LostInLove79 Member

LostInLove79

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Doesn't want to break up but then hoping he'll later regret doing it? That makes no sense.

 

It doesn't make any sense, I know!! At the time he felt very conflicted. He even walked told me he loved me as he walked out the door, hugged me, and said "we will work this out." Completely crazy, mixed signals, but now that I have pushed him to the point of no return, I am getting the silent treatment. This is why I am here! To gain support as I try move forward with my life!

 

You are capable of it, you just don't want to do it. It's painful, it hurts, it's no fun. I've been there but cutting contact really is very helpful. You just have to do it. Yes, it will make you feel like crap for awhile. Loss isn't fun, it's very painful and crappy but there's nothing in your power you can do to get this relationship back.

 

Thank you. I agree. I am doing my best to cut contact. Unfriended him on FB, no more calls or texts. No expectations that I will ever hear from him again. As painful as it truly is, I am doing my best to survive!

 

 

Did the guy actually owe you money? Breaking up is one thing, but if there was an understanding between the two of you that money would be repaid (should have been handled at the time of break up) that just doesn't bode well for his character. Was it just a one-off? You mentioned being a professional. How about this guy? Have his own stable and gainful employment, place to live, etc. ?

 

Yes. There is money owed to me and that is why I am stuck in the angry phase. I feel that he should have handled that the minute he walked away, rather that leave me to chase him down for it. My feeling is that if he wants nothing to do with me, then cut all ties! It has caused me unnecessary stress, on top of the pain I already feel. It does show his true character, which hurts even more...he is not the man I thought I met, obviously. He does have a job, works 14 hour days, which was one of his excuses as to why he felt he couldn't invest more into the relationship. At the time he was planning a move to a new place. I make quite a bit more money that he does...I asked him once if that was an issue. He told me it doesn't bother him at all, but I gather it probably did to a point.

 

 

Why he left isn't important, except it tells you that this man couldn't offer what you both need and deserve.

 

You are probably right!! I am learning to accept that I deserve more. Thank you so much for these words! Sometimes you need to hear others same them, even if you know the truth already deep down inside ;)

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StrongLass Established Member

StrongLass

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Thank you! I have tried to give him instructions and accommodate him as much as possible to get my belongings (and give him his), but he just ignores me! Being ignored is the worst feeling in the world! It feels so terrible when a person who confessed their love to you everyday now treats you as if you don't exist! I've thought of just letting the money go...it's about $1000. It might not break the bank, but it's the principle of the matter...it makes me so angry! I guess if the shoe was on the other foot, and I left him, I would've paid him back immediately for a clean break. At this point I feel like he's ignoring me and not paying me back just to be a jerk.

 

Possibly. Oh well :laugh:

 

I know I need to let it go, but I am so disappointed with myself for even caring about this guy! If I could make it to 54 days, I would throw myself a party! :laugh:Has your ex tried to contact you at all during this time?

 

Ohh he has. :laugh: Multiple times through text, email, and most recently voice mail.

 

He left me for another woman to "See how this goes" while we were in a time period of long distance.(I had definite plans & a set date to be back)

 

So I haven't responded to anything :p 'Not my problem that he threw 3 years away & hasn't dealt with his personal issues AT ALL. Plus he wanted to be go back to being "just friends" like we were 3 years back as if nothing had happened (I don't think so!! :laugh: )

 

With willpower, self respect & determination you can make it happen :cool:

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