adelia Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Nothing ever seems to be one or the other and especially in relationships. I'm having such a hard time. I've been involved with someone who has been so wonderful kind and loving but yet has another side where he likes to hurt me and thinks it's a joke. He knows my weaknesses and tells me what I want to hear and at the time it seems so genuine but it's always laced with what I've felt is sarcasm. I've turned a blind eye to a lot of it for months now kidding myself that it would "go away". It hasn't and it never will. Being with this person means losing my self respect and looking like a joke because he knows I know and I have been a joke. After a lot of reflection I realize I looked to the wrong things to fill the void of unhappiness in my life always looking for the next "fix" and usually it's a person. That person has to be me. It's so hard though dealing with change. Change has always been my biggest fear in life. I'm struggling with this break up and trying to move on. My dignity is the only tiny shred I have at the moment. The loneliness and depression are the worst of it and it feels it will never pass. I keep trying to think of the positives and remember why it has to be this way. It's so easy to gloss over and glamorize the negatives but they are still there under the false veneer. It hurts so much to miss someone you know you can't be with. So easy to turn your back on the reasons that led up to it. Keeping busy seems the only thing that helps but it's the quiet times that are the hardest when you revisit things in your mind and play back and forth. It's torture. I really hope it gets easier with time.
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 It sounds like you were in a very toxic relationship. I haven't been in one, but I've had a few close friends that were. They had very low self-esteem at the time, and it worsened, the longer they stayed with their verbally/physically abusive partners. A couple of them finally got out of their toxic relationships, but due to their lack of self-esteem, and all the time they'd invested in the relationship (one had been with her boyfriend for 4 years, which was long for her age at the time), they too felt the way you do now. The good news? You will get passed this period of your life. They did; it took a bit longer for one than the other (the third never got out of it), but once they did, they changed. It wasn't immediate, and it took some serious soul-searching, but they wound up feeling much better about themselves, and entered much more meaningful relationships, later on. So, persevere, okay? You can do this.
aloneinaz Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I also concur that it was a toxic relationship with what sounds like an emotionally abusive partner. Not fun at all. The good news is; you out of the relationship. The bad news is it's going to take some time to process all the pain and hurt but it will happen. Use the time to continue to learn about yourself and fix your self esteem. You can find happiness with another partner.
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