NW12 Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I don't even know where to start with the many issues we are having. We have been married for less than a year but been together for 4 years. He's been married before but that marriage didn't last long at all. I love my husband but he has always been a selfish man. Yes I had hope he would change his attitude but never thought he could get this bad. He is very emotionally abusive and always says nasty things to me. Don't get me wrong, I have also give him a fair share of mean words. He likes to tell me I am a burden because I lost my job and really can't help with the bills. He tells me his ex was a better wife than I am. He calls me evil and manipulative and tells me he doesn't like to spend time with me. He spends a whole lot of time with his guy friends and goes fishing out all night and won't come home until 6 am. This usually doesn't bother me, but now I am also pregnant, I thought he could at least try to show concern. He never asks about the baby nor shows any love towards it. He has never been to any appointment and absolutely refuses to provide health insurance for me. He has a child from his previous marriage and I have one too. However, I sense favoritism on his part and I fear he will resent my child and not love our as much as he loves his child with his ex. Please be aware he doesn't get along with his ex at all but uses her to demean me and make me feel unworthy of anything. I am just in a place in my life I am wondering why he is so hateful to me. we went down hill pretty soon after marriage. we live in his house and these are such sour spots. I love my husband very much and he knows this, but I am so afraid I said yes to man who hates me and probably still wants his ex even though she doesn't, and he will never respect or love me the way I deserve. I am no diva... I am simple woman asking for love an appreciation. He won't even talk to me on a social level. he barely has sex with me and when we do, it lasts like 5 minutes and it's the same position all the time and he has no sense of foreplay. I just don't know what else to do to please my husband. I just need to talk to someone to allow me to release. I don't want to lose my husband or cheat on him, I just want to believe there is a good man in him. even if that good man is not for me, let him come out. I don't want divorce as an option but most times I worry that is where we will be if he doesn't even show love to our unborn child.
MissBee Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 (edited) *sigh* Many women waste years of their life and self-esteem hoping there is good in some man who has proven over and over that he is unsuitable. My mom has done it, several women on LS are doing it and so are you. It's easier to wish for spontaneous change in a person than actually making decisions yourself. I don't think your husband is going to just up and become different. His behavior is absolutely DEPLORABLE! It's not as though he is doing a few unkind things but is seriously emotionally abusive, doesn't care for his unborn child, won't allow you health care, stays out util 6 am...you've got to be kidding me! I would show a man like that the door on less charges, furthermore these absolutely despicable ones. You have to also realize that you ALLOW your husband to treat you poorly because you love him and are hoping for change. Unfortunately though, he's not going to simply say "You know what NW12 is so patient. I'll be better now." I would lay down what I require, also lay down the need for counseling and be prepared to WALK if he doesn't oblige. It's waaay easier for us to decide what we want or don't want and make those changes than it is to wait for/get someone else to change. A baby doesn't need to be brought into this mess. Edited June 23, 2013 by MissBee
Author NW12 Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 MissBee, I don't deny I am also at fault for having condoned his actions for so long. We are going through marriage counseling right now. I don't expect miracles, but I also don't want rush leaving. He needs help, I don't deny that and so do I. I just don't get how quickly he became this way. It makes me so sad and I am borderline depressed. If you don't mind my asking, are you yourself married? If yes, how do you cope with these horrible moments while trying to figure out what's best. I don't want to man bash, I do believe we need help desperately.
TaraMaiden Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 .....I don't deny I am also at fault for having condoned his actions for so long. We are going through marriage counseling right now. I don't expect miracles, but I also don't want rush leaving. He needs help, I don't deny that and so do I. I just don't get how quickly he became this way. It makes me so sad and I am borderline depressed..... One: Is he completely agreeable to Counselling? Does he see there's a serious issue that needs addressing? Two: You know however much he needs help - you can't 'fix' him? He has to do that himself, but first he has to not only acknowledge the problem, but also agree that it needs working on, he has to do the work, and he has to really want it to succeed.... A Relationship is a 50/50 responsibility thing, and both partners are 100% responsible for the care, maintenance, polishing and upkeep of their part. There is no imbalance here, just as there cannot be only one member in a relationship of two. It's clean down the middle... Please note: 'Responsibility' is different to 'blame'.....Blame can be massively disproportional. You have to establish effective communication to discuss what exactly broke the relationship. You both have to own your parts, and you both have to take responsibility, and you both have to work damn hard to modify and repair and make good whatever went wrong. Remember: "Finding" the problem isn't the hard work. Fixing the problem, once you've found it - is when the hard work begins. And you have to both want to work equally hard. you have to both want this relationship to succeed, to the same level. If you're in it 100% of your 50% - but he is only in at 60%... you can't make up the 40% shortfall on their half. That's not co-operation on both your parts - that's desperation on yours alone. You need to do some straight talking and both accept responsibility for the failure. You have to establish that you're both 'in it to win it' to the same degree. because if you're not - then you need to stop. Right here. 1
Author NW12 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 TaraMaiden and MissBee, I honestly appreciate the advice and opinions. The counselor has also stated the same. We both have to want this. Sometimes I get the feeling he goes to counseling to save face with his family. His family recommended we do this because I hit rock bottom right before I found out we are expecting and I even moved out. I will try to talk to him, but he keeps telling me he doesn't like spending time with me or being around me. He will make time to be with his boys and even sits out on our steps with one of his friends who is our neighbor until 2-3 am. I don't like to fight so I just turn in and pray to GOD for guidance. We have another session coming up and I will surely express myself. Not in a demeaning way, but I will let him know what I want and deserve and also ask him to work on what he has done wrong. The counselor has asked him several time what his wrongs are and he never seems to think he is ever wrong. he always finds a way to make me the reason for his words, actions or lack thereof. I truly am very sad at the moment. I really just want to be happy...
Minnie09 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 It's tough especially with kids. Where do you go? Will there be enough money? Job? Daycare? I know it's awful, but those dark moments when you're petrified and anxious, worried about the future will be there for a while. Get used to them and stand up straight. Make your choice and follow through. Be focused. Make it your goal to have a better life. It's easier when you don't love the person anymore, and even then it's scary. Baby steps.* Your h is a selfish, abusive, cruel pos. this won't change. If you really want to see a change, try a separation. Put your foot down....demand change....follow through if you give him an ultimatum. If x y z don't change....you're done. I doubt that he'll care though. He doesn't sound like he cares much. Good luck.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 TaraMaiden and MissBee, I honestly appreciate the advice and opinions. The counselor has also stated the same. We both have to want this. Sometimes I get the feeling he goes to counseling to save face with his family. His family recommended we do this because I hit rock bottom right before I found out we are expecting and I even moved out. I will try to talk to him, but he keeps telling me he doesn't like spending time with me or being around me. He will make time to be with his boys and even sits out on our steps with one of his friends who is our neighbor until 2-3 am. I don't like to fight so I just turn in and pray to GOD for guidance. We have another session coming up and I will surely express myself. Not in a demeaning way, but I will let him know what I want and deserve and also ask him to work on what he has done wrong. The counselor has asked him several time what his wrongs are and he never seems to think he is ever wrong. he always finds a way to make me the reason for his words, actions or lack thereof. I truly am very sad at the moment. I really just want to be happy... It really sounds like he is angry with you. Any idea why? Sure some guys are just sadistic pricks... but I think you inferred earlier that this is new behavior. I also struggle with the tendency to make everything someone else's fault in a relationship. I typically do this when I feel under attack. It doesn't mean I don't see my own responsibility. If he seems to be committed to building a healthier relationship you have a shot... but it takes 2. That means you must be willing to take the first steps to change... and have the fortitude to leave if he refuses to get better with you. 1
MissBee Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 (edited) MissBee, I don't deny I am also at fault for having condoned his actions for so long. We are going through marriage counseling right now. I don't expect miracles, but I also don't want rush leaving. He needs help, I don't deny that and so do I. I just don't get how quickly he became this way. It makes me so sad and I am borderline depressed. If you don't mind my asking, are you yourself married? If yes, how do you cope with these horrible moments while trying to figure out what's best. I don't want to man bash, I do believe we need help desperately. Hey NW12, No I'm not married. I also don't really think every marriage goes through these particular kinds of horrible moments How is the marriage counseling working? I understand he needs help...I'm just saying that many women (and men) don't know when to throw the towel in and wait forever, making themselves and their children's lives miserable, for people to change, who aren't changing. So please set up some very firm boundaries of what you will and won't allow and stick to it and don't just say "I love him....I have hope things will be better" even without much evidence in that respect. The idea that he is going to counseling to save face, doesn't bode well...and he doesn't seem to at all be trying to treat you any better. I think you should bring that up in counseling. Edited June 24, 2013 by MissBee
Author NW12 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Untouchable Fire, I agree with you about him being angry with me. Hos brother-in-law said the same thing, the counselor and so have I. He denies it but his words and actions are all signs of his anger towards me and I don't know why. I will try to get things addressed and then slowly figure out what is the best thing for us. It's just so heartbreaking though.
SoleMate Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Refuses to provide health insurance for you? REFUSES TO PROVIDE HEALTH INSURANCE FOR YOU!! TO H-E-double hockey sticks with him! You are in this marriage alone, may as well leave. Unbelievable. Get a family lawyer to demand and assure health insurance for you and your unborn child, ASAP.
Lauriebell82 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Its not you, its him. He is extremely insecure And hates himself, therefore projecting it onto you. I know this because my husband is the same way, although not as nasty to me as your husband. I have tried several strategies to cope. Getting angry makes the situation worse. I am guessing your reactions arent the best and add fuel to the fire. I know mine do. Anyway, recently I have been trying to empower myself and kill him with kindness. If he tells me what to do I say "yeah def sweetheart!" He looks at me like I am nuts! Low and behold the behavior is less severe. If he starts being condecending I stand up for myself, but in a confident and direct manner. "please dont speak to me that way honey." and he stops. I have found that if I dont let him bother me and give him the opposite reaction then he is trying to get.
thegirlwhowaited Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I don't even know where to start with the many issues we are having. We have been married for less than a year but been together for 4 years. He's been married before but that marriage didn't last long at all. I love my husband but he has always been a selfish man. Yes I had hope he would change his attitude but never thought he could get this bad. He is very emotionally abusive and always says nasty things to me. Don't get me wrong, I have also give him a fair share of mean words. He likes to tell me I am a burden because I lost my job and really can't help with the bills. He tells me his ex was a better wife than I am. He calls me evil and manipulative and tells me he doesn't like to spend time with me. He spends a whole lot of time with his guy friends and goes fishing out all night and won't come home until 6 am. This usually doesn't bother me, but now I am also pregnant, I thought he could at least try to show concern. He never asks about the baby nor shows any love towards it. He has never been to any appointment and absolutely refuses to provide health insurance for me. He has a child from his previous marriage and I have one too. However, I sense favoritism on his part and I fear he will resent my child and not love our as much as he loves his child with his ex. Please be aware he doesn't get along with his ex at all but uses her to demean me and make me feel unworthy of anything. I am just in a place in my life I am wondering why he is so hateful to me. we went down hill pretty soon after marriage. we live in his house and these are such sour spots. I love my husband very much and he knows this, but I am so afraid I said yes to man who hates me and probably still wants his ex even though she doesn't, and he will never respect or love me the way I deserve. I am no diva... I am simple woman asking for love an appreciation. He won't even talk to me on a social level. he barely has sex with me and when we do, it lasts like 5 minutes and it's the same position all the time and he has no sense of foreplay. I just don't know what else to do to please my husband. I just need to talk to someone to allow me to release. I don't want to lose my husband or cheat on him, I just want to believe there is a good man in him. even if that good man is not for me, let him come out. I don't want divorce as an option but most times I worry that is where we will be if he doesn't even show love to our unborn child. You have kids to think about, doll. You may love him but are you sure he loves you? He sounds like an absolute douche.bag, so my advice to you is GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT! Marriage is supposed to be filled with love and happiness. This pos is giving you nothing but hell, so get yourself a really good lawyer, get your health insurance and get you and your kids out of that hole! You deserve so much better than you think you do. Good luck!
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