Sammyj Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 (edited) So, first post on here. Long story short; Girlfriend and first real love of 6 months ended it with me just over a month ago. (She's 17, I'm soon to be 19) Said she didn't feel the same anymore and that she basically cared for me a lot (she stated I was one of the most important people in her life), but couldn't continue to have a romantic relationship with me. When I asked her, she sweared that she had not met anyone else, and she wouldn't lie straight in my face. I was shocked and completely heartbroken, since this came out of the blue. She offered me friendship, I simply stated that I could not deal with that decision at that exact time, since she had litterally just finished it. When we had the talk and she broke up with me, I was quiet and rather annoyed and confused and I have never begged her back or been on my knees for her to regret her decision. Instead I went immediate NC, and have stayed this way ever since, only checking her FB profile 2 times a week or so. Now I feel a lot better, although it is a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I'm completely depressed, telling myself that I'm useless etc. The next day (usually after workout or meeting new people/hanging with friends) I feel extremely confident and sure of a bright future without her. Now, here's my problem... There's a large party in 10 days from now, wherw I know she'll attend. I will not under any cirqumstances ruin my own social life in order to avoid my ex, but the feeling of seeing her again might kill me inside. Especially if she hooks up with another guy. She is very outgoing and talks alot, so I suspect her to come over and say hi. How do I approach this if she does? What do I do to stop taking constant notice of her location or what she's doing? How do I forget her and have a great time? Just needed to vent and maybe recieve a few comments. Being rather alone with this is tough as hell. Edited June 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
theonlyjuan Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 If she comes over keep it short. No need to talk much. Just concentrate on having a good time with your friends. Be happy, show her you can cope. If she's in close range just move somewhere else or go to the bar, if your'e scared of seeing her with another guy. If she has any respect for you, she won't do anything while you are around.
Author Sammyj Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 (edited) Also, drinking in my country is legal at age 16, so there will be alcohol at the party. Somehow I think it will make he chance of her making out with a guy even bigger... she has not tried to contact me ever since the breakup, making her statement about me being "one of the most important" seem like total bs. I know I care too much about it and I should just let go, but it's difficult as **** considering she was the only thing on my mind for half a year. Edited June 23, 2013 by Sammyj wanted to add more details
theonlyjuan Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I know what it's like. I just tell myself to accept it. If it happens it happens. I'm not going to worry about it until I see her out on that day
Author Sammyj Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Thanks man... Good to know I'm not alone when it comes to this. I have accepted the fact that we are not together anymore, and I am using NC to heal and get on with it, rather than try to win her back. It would just still kill me inside and bring all the emotions back if I already see her with someone else. I'm very good at picturing the worst possible scenario and then fear for that to happen. Annoying quality to have, to be honest...
frostythesnowman Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Thanks man... Good to know I'm not alone when it comes to this. I have accepted the fact that we are not together anymore, and I am using NC to heal and get on with it, rather than try to win her back. It would just still kill me inside and bring all the emotions back if I already see her with someone else. I'm very good at picturing the worst possible scenario and then fear for that to happen. Annoying quality to have, to be honest... Your ex sounds really similar to mine. She said the same thing about how important I am to her, really outgoing, I know what you mean about thinking she will talk to you at the party. You are making the right decision by trying to move on with your life and not win her back... Trust me, I tried to win my ex back for over two years and it never completely worked out (obviously, or I wouldn't be posting here). My advice is to be as happy as possible and to not worry about what she is doing at all times during the party. Have a good time, don't drink too much. I will be in your same position pretty soon; my friend will be having a big party that I wanna go to and she will most likely be there. Keep us updated you'll be fine
Author Sammyj Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 I'll definetly keep you updated. Thanks for the reply. Yeah, my ex is very outgoing and she seems to be able to put all her worries aside and still have a good time. It used to bother me a lot that she seemed to have a great time without me, while I was finding it extremely hard to even get through the first week of NC. I have never really felt the urge to contact her, yet I am puzzled why she hasn't even thrown me a single breadcrumb... I was "one of the most important people in her life", no? Why doesn't she seem to worry about me in any way? Is her ego more important? It just doesn't look like something she would do... Dangit, I'm just confused, that's all...
landshark Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 You are exhibiting the symptoms of early stage NC...it's natural. Keep your interaction with her as brief as possible...
Chi townD Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Now, here's my problem... There's a large party in 10 days from now, wherw I know she'll attend. I will not under any cirqumstances ruin my own social life in order to avoid my ex, but the feeling of seeing her again might kill me inside. Uh huh...dude, you are an alcoholic. At least that's how you need to treat this situation. An Alcoholic gets out of rehab and is serious about his or her sobriety isn't going to a welcome home party at a bar. Now, later in life, they may be able to go into a bar and not fall in temptation because they're strong enough, but not until they're ready. Dude, screw your social life, worry more about your sanity. If being around her is going to be a problem, THEN DON'T BE THERE! There's going to be more parties in the future and when you're stronger and farther along in your healing.
Author Sammyj Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Dude, screw your social life, worry more about your sanity. If being around her is going to be a problem, THEN DON'T BE THERE! There's going to be more parties in the future and when you're stronger and farther along in your healing. Sorry, but I don't think this is a good idea. Won't staying home just make me look weak? Shouldn't I just show up, have a good time, ignore her, and take as little notice of her as possible just to show her, that I actually have a life too? I think it will strengthen me further and adapt to the feeling of me being around her, although we are not together anymore. We are on the same education at the moment, so getting a glimpse of her almost every day will be inevitable...
frostythesnowman Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Sorry, but I don't think this is a good idea. Won't staying home just make me look weak? Shouldn't I just show up, have a good time, ignore her, and take as little notice of her as possible just to show her, that I actually have a life too? I think it will strengthen me further and adapt to the feeling of me being around her, although we are not together anymore. We are on the same education at the moment, so getting a glimpse of her almost every day will be inevitable... Chi town made a good point. If it isn't all that important that you go, maybe make plans to do something else? It's only a party. Not too long ago I went to a party and saw my ex there, it really screwed me up, especially since I had been drinking.
Chi townD Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Sorry, but I don't think this is a good idea. Won't staying home just make me look weak? Shouldn't I just show up, have a good time, ignore her, and take as little notice of her as possible just to show her, that I actually have a life too? I think it will strengthen me further and adapt to the feeling of me being around her, although we are not together anymore. We are on the same education at the moment, so getting a glimpse of her almost every day will be inevitable... Sorry, but I think that you're using the party and your defiance as a cop out to get the opportunity to see her. Do you have a life too? Of course! But your entire LIFE doesn't revolve around this party. You THINK it's gonna strengthen you. But, you'll probably come back on here and tell us that the party sucked and it was a horrible experience. If you were further along in your healing, I would be the first to tell you to go and have a great time, but I don't think that you're there yet. Look, you're gonna do what you wanna do. I'm just saying that it's a bad idea right now. 2
Author Sammyj Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Alright... I'll give it a second opinion. Just to clarify everything, I don't want to use the party, or any other event for that matter, to get to see her again. I have never really felt an urge to contact her or see her like I see many other posters on here have towards their exes. I really want to go and have a great time, deep down inside I feel an urge to show her, that I'm strong and that I can be capable of having the upper hand. Terrible to say it, but I do. I don't want to seem like a weak coward in front of all my friends and my ex. If I get through this, I will definetly feel a lot stronger. But yet again. It could backfire in a serious way. I'll think this through and give you a conclusion in the nearest future. Please, do continue to deliver your inputs... They help.
Chi townD Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Okay...now we're getting somewhere! I understand your desire to show the Ex that your fine without her. That your life is great and you don't need her. That she's a non-issue. And I also understand your desire to seem strong. But! you have to answer yourself these next few questions that you've even asked yourself. How strong can you be if she brings a guy with her? How strong will you be then? If you see this guy slip his arm around her waist and she returns the favor by giving him a quick kiss. Are you gonna be indifferent? What if this guy pulls her into his lap and she giggles for him, the way she giggled for you? Are you going to be okay with that? And what if she doesn't bring anyone with her, but she's avoids you like the plague? What if she's laughing and carrying on as if weren't even there to begin with? That your presences doesn't even matter. Like, you were a gnat that needs to be smacked away and any attempt to say "hi" by you is written off as an annoyance from her? How are you gonna take that? Until you can get to a feeling of indifference towards her, I don't think it would be wise. 1
Author Sammyj Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 How strong can you be if she brings a guy with her? How strong will you be then? If you see this guy slip his arm around her waist and she returns the favor by giving him a quick kiss. Are you gonna be indifferent? What if this guy pulls her into his lap and she giggles for him, the way she giggled for you? Are you going to be okay with that? Oh god, you sure are good at portraying my worst nightmare Either way, I would be devastated to witness something like that, but I think she has way to much respect for me to do a such thing a month post BU. I know her, and she is by no means cold and heartless, and is very observant of other people and how they feel. I wouldn't be sad if she was just flat out ignoring me, that wouldn't even strike my mind, as long as I wasn't with my mates and sitting all alone in a corner. As long as I am with my friends, her absence won't really haunt me. I will definetly take what you've said into serious concern. I'll see how I feel about it in a 7 days time, and will keep you guys updated along here. Thanks. And hurray for this forum!
Author Sammyj Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Alright everyone... i ended up going to the party anyway, and something truly unexpected happened. I am feeling amazing today and have felt so in quite some time now. Here's the story: So before the party, I had invited a couple of my best friends home for some nice burgers and beer, to warm up before the night. It was good times, but I still thought about my ex and was quite nervous to bump into her. My good friend, "J", had talked to me about it all, and supported me in every way. His girlfriend is one of my ex's best friends, and hanging out with him, his girlfriend and our mutual friends had got to involve me and my ex seeing eachother. When we were ready to go to this large party with 300+ people, we were already quite drunk and in a good mood, ready for a good night. When we entered the place, I quickly spotted my ex in the crowd. I'm not gonna lie, I was looking for her, curious to see what she was up to. She looked amazing, and my guts felt like they were gonna explode out of sheer nerves and emotions. I quickly found someone to talk to in order for her to leave my mind. Going to and from the bar, we passed her and some girls twice. She said a quick "hi" to me both times, but I ignored her, acting as if I was laughing and talking to my friends, which I were. The music was loud too, so I guess she didn't take it as me ignoring her. I went down to the group of me and J's friends and quickly fell into a conversation. Then suddenly, Bam! There she was with J's girlfriend. My heart jumped, but I kept on going with the conversations. I was the center of attention, throwing funny stories and talking to everyone. She was looking auite sad, clinging to her friend's hand. I kept going, my heart was racing, but I had her attention and I was not gonna let her take control. I had the upper hand now. I talked to everyone, made people laugh, enjoyed good conversations, felt on top again. And this was right in front of her!!! I decided that I wanted to be the strong one of us, so when she at one point stood right beside me, i reached out for her hand, grinned and said: "Hi, my name's Sammy, what's yours?" with a wide, sarcastic smile on my face. She seemed to be in total shock. She didn't expect that, at all, and I knew it. She shook my hand very weakly and mumbled something with a weird look on her face, making a grimace. I told her I was only joking (she has no humor, which I really want in a gf). She asked me how I was, and I said I was great. She said she was fine, smiling in a weird way. Suddenly all my nerves had disappeared. She was the weak one now. We were interrupted by two pretty good looking girls who tucked my shirt and asked if my name was Thomas. I told them it wasn't, smiling at them and asking them why they were asking. One of them said that their super hot friend had just made out with this Thomas, and I looked alot like him. I said that wasn't me. The other said asked me if I was sure, since I looked completely like him. I adked if tht was a good thing. They said yeah, cause he's super hot too, while they giggled. I wished them a good night, and turned back towards J and thr others. They laughed, so did I. what a huge confidence booster! And right in front of my ex! Later that night I ended up on the dancefloor with one of the two girls who had confronted me. I saw my ex dancing with some other guy, but didn't care too much. She had a good time laughing, but so did I! I was dancing pretty close with some hot chick who clearly digged me. I ended up kissing her outside (not in front of my ex, I'm not an *******), before i went to collect my jacket. In there, I saw her sitting in a corner with J's girlfriend's arm around her, speaking to her. She looked quite down. I didn't care, and went home. I felt great. Finally i had the upper hand, and I had no worries anymore. Stramge that everything could just change like that, but I don't know why. I just feel great at the moment. Completely back in control. I am good enough, I can be great socially, people care about me, and my confidence is back. There's finally a big fat light at the end of the tunnel. On one of the following days, J told me, that my ex didn't want to kiss the guy who was clearly going for her, and rejected him, because she saw me on the dancefloor. Whether it was because she didn't want to hurt me, or because she was having second thoughts, I don't know. Frankly I don't care. I feel great, and accept that it's over. Maybe I was lucky or just played my cards well... but boy am I glad that i went and didn't stay home. I'd probably still feel miserable.
Chi townD Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Okay...I'm glad that you had a great time and I don't mean to bring you down, you had a very good evening. But, if you re-read your post. It sounded like you were making the whole thing a competition between the two of you. Okay...you won this one. What happens at the next one?
Chi townD Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Again, I'm not trying to take away from the good time that you had. I'm happy that things went well for you and the timing of the two hot chicks was good....perphaps TOO good. (has me wondering if your friends sent them over when they saw you talking with your Ex). Regardless, I'm glad you came out all in one piece.
Author Sammyj Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Yeah, I see your point. But I think it was more of a personal challenge against myself and a realization I had. I didn't want to be the one who came out of there absolutely gutted. See, I wanted to try out whether or not I could be happy without her, while standing right beside her. And I could! And the girls... none of us knew them... so perfect timing... luck.
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