I am trying to do damage control.

[JustAReformedGirl]

well, if her H is anything like me...he's not pitting her kids against her...He is out of his mind with the deception and his mind, heart and world are exploding as he tries to understand why she lied to him for so long.

 

It was MY children who asked him, WTH didn't you just tell MOM the truth? Separate and go to counseling while you explored feelings for another?

 

Out of the mouths of babes.....

 

I understand the point you're making, I really do. When we're grieving, sometimes we say or do things we ordinarily wouldn't-like shout to the heavens for all to hear that our spouse has betrayed us.

 

By that same token, though? The OP made a bad choice, and continued to make a bad choice (by refusing to tell her husband the truth), which also was brought on by an emotional extreme.

 

I'm just wondering; why is it when her husband is out of his mind with grief, it's alright for him to temporarily lose control of himself, but not for the OP to do the same, when the sheer ugliness of it all came up?

 

I'm not excusing her actions; I'm merely saying that if her husband's error in judgment can be forgiven (I'm sorry, but in regards to kids-no matter what age, it's never fair to do that), why not hers? As long as she comes to realize her reaction was a poor choice (on top of the already poor choice of having an affair) and makes the effort to repair it from there, I think it's fair to say they both made grievous errors.

 

She wasn't a good wife for what she did, but she may have been a good mother. I definitely agree that, in order to regain any trust or respect from them, she needs to be honest, and own up to her actions.

 

My mother was an AP to a married man. I am here for that reason. She will put more of the blame on him than herself, for the affair. Because of that, I have little respect for her, in that regard, so I see what you're saying. But, despite that, I do respect the parent she was. She wasn't perfect, she took my step-dad's side more than mine (he was abusive beyond belief) in order to retain her relationship with him, and though some of that still irritates me, she also did a lot of good as a mother-as a human being.

 

So, basically that's the point I'm getting at. her children are justified in their protective nature to their father, and their disdain for what she's done-she does need to work on her relationship with them, so that they realize despite her errors, she is still their mother, and still has her good points.

[Confused48]

So Happy, I am not a betrayed spouse and I think your advice is extremely destructive. The OP got herself in this mess by acting selfishly and the last thing she needs to do is surround herself with needy people that are just looking for justification for their actions.

 

OP, you have the wrong outlook on this and you need to see how hurtful your actions are. If your marriage was suffering than get a divorce but do not emasculate your husband by having an affair and then cover it up by lying to his face. He knows something happened but he needs to know the truth and you are denying him that. Image how bad that must feel. So far all of your actions have been dishonest and look where it has gotten you. You are in a crappy marriage and your children won't speak to you.

 

You may not realize this but you have a responsibility to your family and you're not taking it seriously.

 

I like all of this. Especially the bold part. It occurs to me that the children may be so angry with the OP not bc she cheated and not bc she wants a divorce. Those things can be forgiven much easier than on going deception. The kids and H understand she is hiding the affair .... for selfish damage control reasons. That is ongoing torture of the H and the kids are going to resent that until it stops.

 

OP be honest with your H about what you did. Own it. Only then will the children respect you again.

[BetrayedH]

Your lies and deception have dropped a nuke on your family. There is no damage control to be done and thinking that your BH is going to do it for you while you lie and divorce him is utterly ridiculous thinking.

 

Your choice now is to either keep up the lies and deception or to start digging yourself out of this hole. Living an honest and authentic life and owning your mistakes will mark the start of your healing. The longer you lie, deny, minimize, and blameshift, the further you go into the rabbit hole and the longer you delay healing for everyone in the scenario. The longer is takes for you to come clean and start owning what you've done, the less chance that your children will ever have any sympathy for you. Did you really expect your betrayed husband to protect you and your affair partner, even while you continue to lie and protect yourself from the consequences of your actions? Telling your children that you had an affair isn't what hurt them; the fact that it is the truth is what hurt them. The fact that you continue to lie to them and everyone else just cements your ongoing guilt.

 

I suggest you start coming clean now before they NEVER speak with you again. Your only other choice is to keep up the nonsense that got you into this mess in the first place.

[2sunny]

My children are all adults so right now I am just giving them space to figure out their feelings. I am going to divorce my husband no matter what, and its not because I want to be with the OM. I just don't see the point of ruining 2 families if his wife has no idea. I have ended all communication and I don't plan on contacting him after i leave my husband.

 

So you've lied by omission - and what "feelings" do you expect your H and kids to "figure out"?

 

When your truth is revealed - their "feelings" are sure to be anger pointed at you - and rightly so. You have cheated and lied and covered up.

 

Work on getting honest so they know what's real. Until then - they can't trust anything about what you do or say - because you are the liar.

 

Think about who you really are - is this who you intend to be? Your actions and words define you.

 

I hope you will work on yourself and get authentic. You think you've been fooling your family - I think they view you as not believable. It takes a lot of time being completely honest to "earn" trust back. You will have a long road to invoke change.

[KathyM]

My children are all adults so right now I am just giving them space to figure out their feelings. I am going to divorce my husband no matter what, and its not because I want to be with the OM. I just don't see the point of ruining 2 families if his wife has no idea. I have ended all communication and I don't plan on contacting him after i leave my husband.

You've already ruined two families by cheating on your husband with a married man. Telling his wife is only going to give her back her choices that were taken away from her. It boggles my mind that people think that cheating is not what ruins families, but yet they claim honesty is what ruins families. A cheater's rationale for keeping the spouse in the dark. It is only self serving. Maintaining the lie is not doing the betrayed spouse any favors. It is taking away their choices over their own life.

[ComingInHot]

Titanic,

I'm trying not to be distracted by some of the "not so nice" comments recently regarding your stitch. Of I'm distracted, I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling.

 

So for a moment, put aside ALL the advice you've received this far by total LS strangers and think, of you could speak your heart and soul to a person You Know has Your best interest at heart and whose opinion you value and whom you Love & respect, what would They say to you?!?

Would they advise you to continue lying & gaslighting and betraying your family?

Would they say go talk to OW/OM just like you (cause they aren't)?

Would they acknowledge your screw up but support you in D and R w/your kids?

[janedoe67]

You say you do not want to have the OM as a part of your life anymore. So he is out

 

You say you are going to divorce anyway as soon as you don't need his financial support anymore. So he is not really a consideration.

 

The only people really left are your kids. So the question is: What kind of woman do you want your kids to see what they see their mom? What are your expectations of them? Do you want them to see a woman who at least owned her choices and was honest with them, or do you expect them to get over it and grow up so you can do what you like?

[Spark1111]

I understand the point you're making, I really do. When we're grieving, sometimes we say or do things we ordinarily wouldn't-like shout to the heavens for all to hear that our spouse has betrayed us.

 

By that same token, though? The OP made a bad choice, and continued to make a bad choice (by refusing to tell her husband the truth), which also was brought on by an emotional extreme.

 

I'm just wondering; why is it when her husband is out of his mind with grief, it's alright for him to temporarily lose control of himself, but not for the OP to do the same, when the sheer ugliness of it all came up?

 

I'm not excusing her actions; I'm merely saying that if her husband's error in judgment can be forgiven (I'm sorry, but in regards to kids-no matter what age, it's never fair to do that), why not hers? As long as she comes to realize her reaction was a poor choice (on top of the already poor choice of having an affair) and makes the effort to repair it from there, I think it's fair to say they both made grievous errors.

 

She wasn't a good wife for what she did, but she may have been a good mother. I definitely agree that, in order to regain any trust or respect from them, she needs to be honest, and own up to her actions.

 

My mother was an AP to a married man. I am here for that reason. She will put more of the blame on him than herself, for the affair. Because of that, I have little respect for her, in that regard, so I see what you're saying. But, despite that, I do respect the parent she was. She wasn't perfect, she took my step-dad's side more than mine (he was abusive beyond belief) in order to retain her relationship with him, and though some of that still irritates me, she also did a lot of good as a mother-as a human being.

 

So, basically that's the point I'm getting at. her children are justified in their protective nature to their father, and their disdain for what she's done-she does need to work on her relationship with them, so that they realize despite her errors, she is still their mother, and still has her good points.

 

What he did is in reaction to discovering he'd been betrayed. Temporary insanity does se in. I've lived it and my children did forgive me.

 

An affair is so calculated and planned to be kept a secret, whether the participants admit that or not, it is harder to forgive it's pre-meditation.

 

Is that the error in judgement on the OP's part that you are alluding to, or is it still protecting the OM over the feelings of her BS you are alluding to?

 

Both will be viewed poorly by her children. She has picked a man and a stance to defend with her continued silence, and it is NOT DADDY.

[JustAReformedGirl]

What he did is in reaction to discovering he'd been betrayed. Temporary insanity does se in. I've lived it and my children did forgive me.

 

An affair is so calculated and planned to be kept a secret, whether the participants admit that or not, it is harder to forgive it's pre-meditation.

 

Is that the error in judgement on the OP's part that you are alluding to, or is it still protecting the OM over the feelings of her BS you are alluding to?

 

Both will be viewed poorly by her children. She has picked a man and a stance to defend with her continued silence, and it is NOT DADDY.

 

Both, actually. Of course, your point does weigh in more heavily than mine. Though I don't recall the OP saying anything about it being pre-meditated. She didn't give much info, at least not in the first post.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Damage control by doing more of the worst thing possible: LYING

 

The lying is the worst thing you could possibly do.

 

If you want advice on how to lie better, talk to other unremorseful WS and OW.

 

Honesty is the only path to true understanding and healing even if it hurts at first. Lies can be silent/benign at first but they are what truly wreak havok in relationships.

 

Disclosure: You sound EXACTLY like my ex and it sets of triggers all over the place for me

[BetrayedH]

Disclosure: You sound EXACTLY like my ex and it sets of triggers all over the place for me

 

No kidding.

[Zenstudent]

I understand the point you're making, I really do. When we're grieving, sometimes we say or do things we ordinarily wouldn't-like shout to the heavens for all to hear that our spouse has betrayed us.

 

By that same token, though? The OP made a bad choice, and continued to make a bad choice (by refusing to tell her husband the truth), which also was brought on by an emotional extreme.

 

I'm just wondering; why is it when her husband is out of his mind with grief, it's alright for him to temporarily lose control of himself, but not for the OP to do the same, when the sheer ugliness of it all came up?

 

I'm not excusing her actions; I'm merely saying that if her husband's error in judgment can be forgiven (I'm sorry, but in regards to kids-no matter what age, it's never fair to do that), why not hers? As long as she comes to realize her reaction was a poor choice (on top of the already poor choice of having an affair) and makes the effort to repair it from there, I think it's fair to say they both made grievous errors.

 

She wasn't a good wife for what she did, but she may have been a good mother. I definitely agree that, in order to regain any trust or respect from them, she needs to be honest, and own up to her actions.

 

My mother was an AP to a married man. I am here for that reason. She will put more of the blame on him than herself, for the affair. Because of that, I have little respect for her, in that regard, so I see what you're saying. But, despite that, I do respect the parent she was. She wasn't perfect, she took my step-dad's side more than mine (he was abusive beyond belief) in order to retain her relationship with him, and though some of that still irritates me, she also did a lot of good as a mother-as a human being.

 

So, basically that's the point I'm getting at. her children are justified in their protective nature to their father, and their disdain for what she's done-she does need to work on her relationship with them, so that they realize despite her errors, she is still their mother, and still has her good points.

I try to be an honest person in speach and action myself, but to some extend I can understand the wish to protect one self by lying - the truth can be terrifying, and you fear other peoples judgement of you.

 

What I can't wrap my head around though, is how on earth you can expect the husband to lie in order to protect OP? Why would he risk his relationship with his kids by lying to them - in order to protect the one person who betrayed him??

[Imported]

My children are all adults so right now I am just giving them space to figure out their feelings. I am going to divorce my husband no matter what, and its not because I want to be with the OM. I just don't see the point of ruining 2 families if his wife has no idea. I have ended all communication and I don't plan on contacting him after i leave my husband.

 

 

What were you thinking before you two started ****ing around? Because that is when the two families actually got ruined. This is just fallout now that came from your choice to **** around. Your husband should let the other guys wife know all about it. I think she deserves to know the truth and make her own choices on what to do. Your husband telling the truth is not what will ruin two families. You ****ing around and cheating like a common whore is what ruined two families.

 

You are just trying to blame shift away what you did with lies and covering up the truth. But no. It is you. You did this. You ruined two families.

Edited June 25, 2013 by Imported

[Jonah]

In chess, there is a move called "Un-pin". One cannot move into check so a piece can be pinned thus unable to move. This is where you are and you need to un-pin yourself.

 

Simply tell your exOM's W yourself. Spill all the beans, even those your H doesn't know about. Then next time he lays the blackmail threats on you, well that won't work so well anymore!

 

Download that Paul Simon toon, "50 ways to leave your lover". Listen to that a-lot. What are you waiting for woman? Get yourself free!

[BeholdtheMan]

I am leaving as soon as I can financially swing it.

Well I'm glad you're leaving. I think you'll be doing your husband a favour