TitanicRose Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Needless to say I have made more than a few bad choices in the last year. My husband confronted me last week and I have kept denying it. He told our children what he thought was the story and now they despise me. I want a divorce although he has now backtracked and said he would be wiling to try to love me again. He keeps going back and forth with whether he is going to call the OM's wife trying to emotionally blackmail me. This isn't the 1st time the OM will be caught so his wife will for sure be giving him the boot. I was planning on divorcing him soon anyways. My husband has phone records that he has all printed out and ready to send to her, and he keeps trying to get me to admit to things he will send them. I am NOT in love with my husband or the other guy, and I am certainly don't want to be married to either of them. I have ended all communication with the OM. Should I just ignore my husband's constant badgering and if he is going to tell the OM wife then he can go ahead. I am leaving as soon as I can financially swing it.
janedoe67 Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 So you are trying to maintain the lies long enough to get away from your husband? What do your children think about all of this, and what kind of relationship to you desire having with them? 1
Author TitanicRose Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 My children are all adults so right now I am just giving them space to figure out their feelings. I am going to divorce my husband no matter what, and its not because I want to be with the OM. I just don't see the point of ruining 2 families if his wife has no idea. I have ended all communication and I don't plan on contacting him after i leave my husband.
Author TitanicRose Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 Yes I work and we are planning on selling our home. He will go his own way. There have been problems in the marriage for the past 10 years.
Trimmer Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 So what is at issue here? Whether you try to maintain active lies to manipulate your husband to influence his actions with respect to the OM's family? If that's what it comes down to, I would suggest that what you are doing is further poisoning your interactions with your husband (you think he doesn't know you're continuing to lie?) to protect your OM (you think your husband doesn't know that's why you're doing it?) at a time when you are moving toward divorce proceedings which might be aided by a more temperate, respectful tone. However, you are further seeding disrespect, mistrust, and anger. You should balance whether the benefit (the dubious act of helping your OM "preserve" the lies at his end, which may come crumbling down anyway) is worth the cost to you: carrying this extra baggage into the divorce process. What if you just dropped all pretense with your husband: Look, I don't want to do this any more, this is what's been going on, let's be honest and end this and move on with our lives. Would it help the divorce process to show SOME kind of neutral respect toward your husband, or are things so totally screwed up that adding more disrespect and mistrust to the pile won't really make things any worse? 6
aliveagain Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Regardless of the state of your marriage the choice to cheat is all yours. If you are leaving your husband regardless, why don't you try and make things right by being truthful. There is nothing worse than someone that trickle truths their family, they have the evidence so why do you continue to deny it? Denial will not make you look any better but the truth will help your situation with your children. People can be weak, people can be selfish but continuing to lie is more damaging to your relationship with your children than your infidelity. You can divorce your husband regardless of your reasons but you can't win back the love and respect of your children by refusing to acknowledge the truth. I think it is too late, you and your affair partner most likely have already ruined two families, besides, this is about your family, your children, how do you save your relationship with them? The best way is to tell the truth because if you leave it to their imagination it will always be worse than the reality. His wife needs to know who she is really married to, stop taking her choice away, she should be the one to make decisions regarding her marriage, you have interfered enough. He risks her health with his cheating. I know, you always used protection just like my ex. How did my now ex have an affair child if that is true? I got to raise him for a year, named him after my deceased father, DNA doesn't lie. I never got the truth from her but at some point the truth doesn't matter as much as getting rid of the cancer. If you want to win back some respect from your children, tell them the truth. Your words mean very little at this time but your actions are the only thing they will believe. Is protecting your lie worth more than protecting your children, wake up, it's almost too late. 5
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Needless to say I have made more than a few bad choices in the last year. My husband confronted me last week and I have kept denying it. He told our children what he thought was the story and now they despise me. Despite your bad choices, this was a very childish thing for your husband to do. No matter what issues come up between partners, neither one should try to pit the children against the other. It's beyond disrespectful; those children aren't just from him, but from you. Anything bad he says in regards to you, he may as well say about them. I want a divorce although he has now backtracked and said he would be wiling to try to love me again. He keeps going back and forth with whether he is going to call the OM's wife trying to emotionally blackmail me. Again, he's being petulant. On one hand, if you both wanted to work things out, that would be fine. But, he needs to stick to his decision, not go back and forth, expecting you to not resent it. I understand that he likely feels very betrayed. What then, exactly, does he think will come from informing the OM's wife? He'll just hurt someone else, the way he's hurting. This isn't the 1st time the OM will be caught so his wife will for sure be giving him the boot. I was planning on divorcing him soon anyways. My husband has phone records that he has all printed out and ready to send to her, and he keeps trying to get me to admit to things he will send them. I am NOT in love with my husband or the other guy, and I am certainly don't want to be married to either of them. It certainly is an ugly situation. But, don't give your H the satisfaction. Yes, you may have betrayed him, but the way he's acting right now is beyond ridiculous. As you don't care for either of them, I say pay neither any heed. Go through with the divorce, because it is clear you're not happy, and staying in a loveless marriage won't make things any better. I have ended all communication with the OM. Should I just ignore my husband's constant badgering and if he is going to tell the OM wife then he can go ahead. I am leaving as soon as I can financially swing it. Yes, I suggest ignoring him. There's no point in buying into his threats. Your OM has been down this road before, and knew full well what the consequences would be. It's not like you're telling his wife. I guarantee you wouldn't be able to stop your H anyway, even if you begged-and at this point, he probably wants that, which is beyond sickening. So no, don't give in. Do what you need to do, because it will be better for all involved.
Author TitanicRose Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Right now my number one concern is the relationship with my children. They aren't speaking to me right now so it's kind of out of my hands. I have tried to talk to them but they are freezing me out right now. I understand their feelings 100%. In regards to my husband telling the OM wife- Its is up to him whether or not he is going to go through with it but he is keeping his finger on the trigger of that situation and keeps letting me know that if I don't play things his way (financially) he will pull it. All he has are phone records so i don't even know if she will think that that is "proof" of an affair.
ComingInHot Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 titanicrose, as much as I disagree w/your H's reaction by giving the children the detail, it was Your action/s that caused this mess w/Your Family. It may take years to repair. I feel awful about & for your children. Proceed w/the D and as quickly as possible. Unless you are Protecting MM (which would mean your further betraying your children & spouse), Let H tell BW. Good for to know the truth no matter how painful. Question, Why didn't you just D your H? Why the A, betrayal of your children & cheating & lying to those a part of your family and life? Was it worth it? 5
aliveagain Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 The only two people that know the truth about this tragedy are you and your affair partner, you control how this plays out. Why do you still choose OM over your own family? Time to choose your family, if your own children won't speak to you what does that say about the damage your affair has caused? You didn't just cheat on your spouse, you cheated on your children. IT IS REAL, THEY ARE HURTING regardless of how they found out. What kind of a mother allows her own children to walk away without fighting for them, come on, this doesn't have to be your life. Your putting yourself in this position, why? How much worse than loosing your children can it get? I know couples that have lost a child through illness and through a car accident, do you know what they would give to have just one more day with them? Get real lady, the dirt bag you cheated with isn't worth it. 4
Spark1111 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 So write your children a heartfelt letter that you are so sorry for lobbing this grenade into their lives and beg for forgiveness. Do not disparage their father one whit or justify your poor actions. Tell your H the complete, unequivocal TRUTH of your affair and do not blame him one bit for your poor choices. Apologize for hurting him in such a cowardly way. Support him if he so chooses to send proof to the OM's spouse. She too deserves to know the truth of her reality, no? Make it clear to all you have no desire to have any future contact or relationship with OM. Speak to a divorce attorney. it is doubtful, in most states, that you will receive less than half of all marital assets. If you choose to divorce your H or reconcile, always treat him with respect, EVEN as he rages against you. He has been blindsided and deceived and that is crazy-making. Scary stuff acting like a grown-up having to be accountable for one's actions, no? BUT the high road is the only road to take here IF you hope to maintain ANY relationship with your children, AND FOR THEIR sake, their father. 6
Artie Lang Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 i think your husband did an excellent job in exposing you to your children. being that they are adults, they have every right to know why the marriage has ended. you might say the marriage was "on the rocks" for some time now, but it was your affair that brought it to a close. that is all on you! your husband should definitely "out" this OM to his wife. being that he's done this before, it seems like you were just another notch in his belt; congratulations on that notable accomplishment. 6
SmokeRat Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Oh look, another WS complaining about exposure and consequences of bad action. *face palm* 7
So happy together Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 TitanicRose, You are getting responses from betrayed spouses. You may want to go to the OM/OW forum and ask for responses JUST from the other OM/OW using the forum. You'll get a little more support and a little less scrutiny.
janedoe67 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Do not disparage their father one whit or justify your poor actions. This ^^^ And for the record, I have had more than one affair sadly. I have been a serial cheater, and I can see past my own ego and OWN the fact that my actions were despicable. Going somewhere will you will get patted on the head for blowing up a family and betraying one's children is not the answer. The way to feel better honestly is to BE better. 4
aliveagain Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Titanic Rose, So Happy Together is right, if you want replies from others that have similar issues OM/OW is where you should go. If you want to know what your betrayed husband and children are feeling, this is the better place for you, both OM/OW are free to join in. Keep in mind that in OM/OW there are many there that are still deep in their fantasy, they have not confessed their affair or have yet to be caught so everything is still rainbows and fluffy clouds. As a betrayed spouse that has had to deal with divorce, I will give you the same advice I would give to a betrayed spouse just finding out, protect your children, talk to a lawyer because you need to know your rights, see a doctor, sometimes you need help sleeping and dealing with the stress associated with discovery. 4
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 While I agree that Titanic Rose should come fully clean to her husband, I do not agree with what her husband did. Granted, her children are grown up, but to pit them against her in no way makes the situation better. I also agree that the OM/OW forum is probably a better place to go, but at the same time, due to this thread being about infidelity, it also belongs here. Even here, you'll get mixed responses, because some of us do happen to travel around the forum. Even in the OM/OW forum, you will still find BS's posting there. Those ones will be brutally honest with you about how the situation should be handled, but they will be fair. I've talked to a few of them, and despite them being on the opposite side of the spectrum, they do give sound feedback.
So happy together Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I was OW. Six months ago there was a d-day for my boyfriend. He left a marriage of 28 years and has filed for divorce. So, while these BS's may say you'll get fluffy clouds and rainbows, I disagree. I think OW may have some insight as to what went on with their MM after the d-day and how to proceed, what the pitfalls were. Anything I post will automatically be picked apart. Some BS's hate my attitude of simply being happy that my relationship is going beautifully.
janedoe67 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I was thinking about doing damage control....and wondering specifically what kind. I assume the bottom line is controlling the damage to one's self and not to one's marriage or children. Because typically those in the throes of cheating on or cheating with are first and foremost concerned about themselves - I know I was. 3
aliveagain Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I think Janedoe67 is right, what kind of damage control are you wanting to do? I think two of your priorities should be establishing a relationship with your children and getting independent help for yourself with someone that specializes with infidelity. You need to dig deep to understand the real "why's" that got you into this situation because even if your marriage doesn't work out you don't want this happening again in a future relationship. 1
Spark1111 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Well, OP post where you like. BS have also lived this scenario and our hearts broke for our children too! Running and dodging and keeping your AP's secrets will NOT endear nor repair your relationship with either your H or your children whether you D or reconcile. It just makes you look cowardly. And as your H is the victim here of your betrayal, your kids.....FOR NOW....have rallied around your H and his heartache and have judged you as the one who hurt him, which you did. IF you continue to run away from the mess you created, you will have a relationship with your kids eventually, but it WILL make it hard for them to respect you. own your actions, be truthful and apologetic, ask for forgiveness and generally, act like an adult. they still need you, especially now. 7
Spark1111 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 While I agree that Titanic Rose should come fully clean to her husband, I do not agree with what her husband did. Granted, her children are grown up, but to pit them against her in no way makes the situation better. I also agree that the OM/OW forum is probably a better place to go, but at the same time, due to this thread being about infidelity, it also belongs here. Even here, you'll get mixed responses, because some of us do happen to travel around the forum. Even in the OM/OW forum, you will still find BS's posting there. Those ones will be brutally honest with you about how the situation should be handled, but they will be fair. I've talked to a few of them, and despite them being on the opposite side of the spectrum, they do give sound feedback. well, if her H is anything like me...he's not pitting her kids against her...He is out of his mind with the deception and his mind, heart and world are exploding as he tries to understand why she lied to him for so long. It was MY children who asked him, WTH didn't you just tell MOM the truth? Separate and go to counseling while you explored feelings for another? Out of the mouths of babes.....
Owl Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I think that your path is clear...and simple...if not easy. Tell your H the truth. What happened, the fact that you don't want to remain married to him, and that he's welcome to tell OM's wife or not as he likes. Take action to seperate from him, physically and financially. Pursue the divorce as quickly as possible. I think the letter to your kids might be something to consider, but the odds are they're not going to be willing to see your side of things for a long time. You may just have to accept that your actions have alienated your relationship with them, and hope that eventually come around. This path means that there are no more lies, it's all out in the open, there's no 'leverage' for blackmail on anyone's part, and it all gets resolved as quickly and fairly as possible. I don't see a better solution. 7
underwater2010 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 You have not option for damage control. What is done is done. And if he truly wants to out your MOM...he will. Whether or not you confess to further info or not. My question is...now that the affair is over and has been brought to light, why can you not have the common decency to give your BH all the information. You are leaving anyways, why would you care what he thinks. He cannot hold it against in court. 3
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