thecrucible Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I took a break from dating for about 2 years. Now I'm finally ready for a relationship and have been on a date with someone from online. I really quite like him although I was initially put off by the fact that he has had no long term relationships. I am 23 and have 2 long-term relationships (one lasting 1 year, the other lasting 3). The number of men I've slept with since I started dating at 16 is 8. He is 24 and has had no long-term relationships but I do not make any assumptions as to how much experience he has, although he doesn't seem like the type to engage in casual sex (However I have). I am glad I did not rule him out for stupid reasons because I very much genuinely enjoyed his company on that date, and am looking forward to seeing him again. The reason I was put off initially was because I dated a guy in the past who wasn't very experienced, and I felt like he wanted the relationship more than he wanted me. It was like getting a relationship was some box he wanted to tick, and I conveniently filled it. At the same time, he made hardly any effort in the relationship and didn't seem to realise that long term relationships don't just fall into your lap - that they actually take consistent effort and understanding. I felt uncomfortable because it was more about him proving himself than about him wanting me. I also felt that he was judging me because I had a past and expected me to be some kind of Madonna - more like a doll than a fully-embodied woman. He actually said to me, "I have too much respect for you to have sex with you". I had to leave him because I wanted someone who wanted to make love to me. This was very upsetting to me. How do I ensure this does not happen again with someone else? How do I find out whether this guy could end up like my ex if I was to take things further with him? I do think that there are certain things that you don't really appreciate until you know what it's like to have loved and lost, and to experience the challenges of a long-term relationship. I don't want to judge this guy on not having had one but I still want to assess whether he has a mature enough attitude to relationships. This is all to do with my past experiences, and nothing he has said yet. It's just getting to me a little. Can you help?
Author thecrucible Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 Oh I forgot to add something. I am not thinking of this in terms of giving this guy a chance. I genuinely think of him as a catch, and want to impress him as much as he seems interested in impressing me. Perhaps if I let it go further it is all about the risk that's entailed. I do not want to judge a man for what he is on paper. I really like this guy because he is smart, a gentleman and respectful of women. This makes me embarrassed about my past. I dated a man who physically hurt me, a guy who was emotionally abusive, have been assaulted before etc. I certainly don't play the victim card and I think it's a normal part of my past because I was very vulnerable and had confidence problems when I was younger. I don't know what any respectful man would think about that. I am a different person now and have worked through my issues. For a while I felt like damaged goods though. I guess I have made some progress however because of the fact I'm actually a little bit into a good guy, whereas before I'd be turned off by good guys and keep choosing the nasties. I accept responsibility for my role in choosing those men, but don't blame myself for what they were like.
white Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 You said it yourself - he's done nothing wrong. The previous man you mentioned had an insurmountable problem. That was because of him and his personality, a character flaw. Not because of having had no long terms before. This new man does not have to share the same flaw just for also having had no long term relationships. He may handle it completely differently. You may find the experience of becoming his first serious partner bonding and powerful. Alternatively he might also be a cold fish or a big child, or he may realise he's gay, or he may evolve into a space peacock and fly away. It won't be to do with his inexperience whatever happens. Everyone has to start everything somewhere.
Author thecrucible Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 You may find the experience of becoming his first serious partner bonding and powerful. Alternatively he might also be a cold fish or a big child, or he may realise he's gay, or he may evolve into a space peacock and fly away. It won't be to do with his inexperience whatever happens. Everyone has to start everything somewhere. Yes you are right! I am scolding myself for even considering that it might put me off before. I am so glad I had a turnaround, and a genuine one at that. I will still hold back a bit and take my time working him out. Maybe something will come up that will put me off but I'm certainly not looking for a reason to reject him. ha He might be put off by me anyway. I just want to work out what sort of stuff to ask him, not to compare him to my ex, but to check that he doesn't have any of those kind of issues, although it doesn't seem like it. Maybe it's normal to be a little cautious.
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