daddy87 Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 My ex told me the other day that she will never have that feeling for me again. We broke up a year ago and she said she have tried. I was with her for 3 and half years and we got a child together. But i personally think she going through the grass isnt greener syndrome because we did get back once and she was always unsure what she wanted, maybe becaause i keep asking her if she would get back thats why she gave me that answer? And when someone have lost the love feelings for you does that mean it will never come back?
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 You meant "grass is greener" syndrome, right? Some people are able to find that feeling again, but in your case, it's hard to say. In those 3 1/2 years you were together, how often did she pull away from you? Either emotionally, physically, or both? Did she leave you before your break-up, a year ago? How much contact have you guys had since the break-up, and has the contact been solely for the child? (As in figuring out what days you have the child, and she has the child, and taking care of the kid's needs, etc).
Author daddy87 Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 You meant "grass is greener" syndrome, right? Some people are able to find that feeling again, but in your case, it's hard to say. In those 3 1/2 years you were together, how often did she pull away from you? Either emotionally, physically, or both? Did she leave you before your break-up, a year ago? How much contact have you guys had since the break-up, and has the contact been solely for the child? (As in figuring out what days you have the child, and she has the child, and taking care of the kid's needs, etc). Yeah that's what i meant. she never pulled away when we were together, had a few little arguments like normal couples would but nothing major i say, and at first when we broke up we had like LC we only really spoke when it was to do with our child but also i knew she had a fling with this guy aswell at the time but she never admit it but was obvious. Then after awhile she stopped mention about that guy she was seeing alot and started to make effort with me, also not long after i found out that guy got a gf now. We kinda got back together after like 6months but we never did anything sexual as she said she didnt feel right but i never let it bother me at first until it started to take to long and nothing still changed so i guess she knew i was get abit angry which i did and i we decided to leave it from then. But even after she still rang or spoke to me like we were together but we wernt so i asked a few times if she wanted to work out again as i didn't want to spend time with her like a couple but we wasn't and she wouldn't feel bad either if she did anything with anyone else. Dealing days with the child have been fine with us i usually get more time with my child as my ex always working and when she does get free time she will spend to see her friends first or do things what she wants before which kinda piss me off.
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Yeah that's what i meant. she never pulled away when we were together, had a few little arguments like normal couples would but nothing major i say, and at first when we broke up we had like LC we only really spoke when it was to do with our child but also i knew she had a fling with this guy aswell at the time but she never admit it but was obvious. Then after awhile she stopped mention about that guy she was seeing alot and started to make effort with me, also not long after i found out that guy got a gf now. We kinda got back together after like 6months but we never did anything sexual as she said she didnt feel right but i never let it bother me at first until it started to take to long and nothing still changed so i guess she knew i was get abit angry which i did and i we decided to leave it from then. But even after she still rang or spoke to me like we were together but we wernt so i asked a few times if she wanted to work out again as i didn't want to spend time with her like a couple but we wasn't and she wouldn't feel bad either if she did anything with anyone else. Dealing days with the child have been fine with us i usually get more time with my child as my ex always working and when she does get free time she will spend to see her friends first or do things what she wants before which kinda piss me off. It sounds like, even though she's not physically or emotionally invested in the relationship, she's having a hard time letting go of you; it sounds like you're sort of a safety net, but one she makes no commitment to. I understand her need to unwind after work, but she should be spending more time with her child than that. Seeing her friends should be on a limited basis, not seeing her child. :/ It doesn't sound like it will work out with you guys, in the long run. I suggest you have a serious discussion with her, work out a better custody schedule with the child (if she wants to be worthy of the title "mother", she needs to step up to the plate more), and definitely keep it LC. How old is your son/daughter? Do they seem negatively affected by what's going on? Does your ex make sure to put as much money into the child as possible, since you seem to be the primary parent, at this time?
Author daddy87 Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 It sounds like, even though she's not physically or emotionally invested in the relationship, she's having a hard time letting go of you; it sounds like you're sort of a safety net, but one she makes no commitment to. I understand her need to unwind after work, but she should be spending more time with her child than that. Seeing her friends should be on a limited basis, not seeing her child. :/ It doesn't sound like it will work out with you guys, in the long run. I suggest you have a serious discussion with her, work out a better custody schedule with the child (if she wants to be worthy of the title "mother", she needs to step up to the plate more), and definitely keep it LC. How old is your son/daughter? Do they seem negatively affected by what's going on? Does your ex make sure to put as much money into the child as possible, since you seem to be the primary parent, at this time? Yeah thats how im feeling a safety net, i mean we already had a discussion about our situation and she already said that she don't feel that way for me anymore but she will always love me because im the childs dad which is fair enough but i told her that we cant be friends but i will keep civil with her when is comes to our child. That's what it gets me angry i mean if she doesnt want to make any effort with me thats fine but atleast pay more attention to our daughter, she rather spend time doing what she wants first then our daughter after plus she only spend 1 day a week with her. I guess because she had her when she was young thats why she feels like shes missing out but thats not an excuse. And plus she knows im quite soft so shes taking advantage of that my daughter is 2 and half years old, luckily she hasnt picked up whats going on yet but still upsets me when she asks where her mummy is and i sometimes have to lie and say shes working when the truth is she just gone out with friends. Maybe your right in the long run things might change, but how long?! because ive been waiting to reconcil with her for so long and she left me hanging im not sure how much longer i can wait
marqueemoon4 Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Yep, my exW who I have a son with said "I'll never feel the same way about you again" a few weeks after leaving. And she pretty much meant it. I can't relate because I don't see things in such a black/white way. Things can always change imho.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 She's been stringing you along for a year dude. It's not going to happen, so stop waiting for it. Focus on your child first (which you seem to be doing, unlike her) and look to meet others. Your ex seems extremely selfish and seems to want to keep you there as a fallback but not give you any benefits. And for some reason you aren't strong enough to stop this. The only reason you should be talking to your ex right now is in terms of your daughter. Besides that, you should go NC with her. I mean, how much time are you going to continue to waste on this? It's obvious your approach of staying close and waiting and doing whatever your ex wants isn't working, so stop doing it. 3
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Yeah thats how im feeling a safety net, i mean we already had a discussion about our situation and she already said that she don't feel that way for me anymore but she will always love me because im the childs dad which is fair enough but i told her that we cant be friends but i will keep civil with her when is comes to our child. Seems a fair condition to me. I can understand her viewpoint as well, which at least means she'll never talk negatively about you in front of your daughter. Or at least shouldn't, in theory. That's what it gets me angry i mean if she doesnt want to make any effort with me thats fine but atleast pay more attention to our daughter, she rather spend time doing what she wants first then our daughter after plus she only spend 1 day a week with her. That's ridiculous. I couldn't spend that much time away from my child; if work was the reason, or long distance? Sure. But she doesn't have a good reason for that. I guess because she had her when she was young thats why she feels like shes missing out but thats not an excuse. And plus she knows im quite soft so shes taking advantage of that Yes, it's still despicable. It doesn't matter how old she was; she had choices, when it came to pregnancy and child birth. She opted to have and keep said child. How old is she? I get that it's important for her to still maintain a sense of self-parents of all age need that-but she's being completely negligent. My advice? Stop being so soft. Put your foot down; if not for you (after all, being a single full-time parent is exhausting-especially to a toddler!) for your daughter. my daughter is 2 and half years old, luckily she hasnt picked up whats going on yet but still upsets me when she asks where her mummy is and i sometimes have to lie and say shes working when the truth is she just gone out with friends. Which brings me to my last point. Even if she isn't fully processing it, she has achieved a certain level of emotional maturity, and misses her mom. Let your ex know about this; if she cares for her daughter at all, she will make the sacrifices that all real parents make. She doesn't have to fully give up her personal time, but she needs to balance it with her parental responsibilities better than she has been. Maybe your right in the long run things might change, but how long?! because ive been waiting to reconcil with her for so long and she left me hanging im not sure how much longer i can wait Your mixed feelings are understandable. I suggest having a serious talk with her. If she doesn't make any effort, than I would say that it's time to let go. It will hurt, I know...but you need to do what's best for you and your daughter. 1
Author daddy87 Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 Seems a fair condition to me. I can understand her viewpoint as well, which at least means she'll never talk negatively about you in front of your daughter. Or at least shouldn't, in theory. That's ridiculous. I couldn't spend that much time away from my child; if work was the reason, or long distance? Sure. But she doesn't have a good reason for that. Yes, it's still despicable. It doesn't matter how old she was; she had choices, when it came to pregnancy and child birth. She opted to have and keep said child. How old is she? I get that it's important for her to still maintain a sense of self-parents of all age need that-but she's being completely negligent. My advice? Stop being so soft. Put your foot down; if not for you (after all, being a single full-time parent is exhausting-especially to a toddler!) for your daughter. Which brings me to my last point. Even if she isn't fully processing it, she has achieved a certain level of emotional maturity, and misses her mom. Let your ex know about this; if she cares for her daughter at all, she will make the sacrifices that all real parents make. She doesn't have to fully give up her personal time, but she needs to balance it with her parental responsibilities better than she has been. Your mixed feelings are understandable. I suggest having a serious talk with her. If she doesn't make any effort, than I would say that it's time to let go. It will hurt, I know...but you need to do what's best for you and your daughter. i was with her when she was 17-18 got pregnant before shes 19 and now shes 22. I knew this would happen when she got pregnant not saying i would change anything for having my daughter plus she wanted to keep it so i stuck by it. I have mentioned a lot to her about my daughter been asking her or want to see her, yeah she said she will make more effort but after a few weeks she just turns back to normal. It was my ex birthday not long ago and she didnt even see our daughter for the whole day, she went work then straight out for a birthday meal then stayed at her friends, what kinda mother is that?
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 i was with her when she was 17-18 got pregnant before shes 19 and now shes 22. I knew this would happen when she got pregnant not saying i would change anything for having my daughter plus she wanted to keep it so i stuck by it. I have mentioned a lot to her about my daughter been asking her or want to see her, yeah she said she will make more effort but after a few weeks she just turns back to normal. It was my ex birthday not long ago and she didnt even see our daughter for the whole day, she went work then straight out for a birthday meal then stayed at her friends, what kinda mother is that? No mother at all, in my opinion. She chose to have your daughter; she needs to take responsibility. If she doesn't step up, she may very well find she loses all contact with her daughter. Maybe by your choice, maybe by your daughter's choice, as she gets older. She needs a serious wake-up call. It's time to make some changes, daddy87. Put your foot down with her; otherwise, you're just enabling her to continue on this path. If she isn't putting any money toward her daughter, and barely spending any time with her? She doesn't deserve the privilege of being called a mother. And with that title disappearing, so too does the privilege to have custody. 1
Author daddy87 Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 No mother at all, in my opinion. She chose to have your daughter; she needs to take responsibility. If she doesn't step up, she may very well find she loses all contact with her daughter. Maybe by your choice, maybe by your daughter's choice, as she gets older. She needs a serious wake-up call. It's time to make some changes, daddy87. Put your foot down with her; otherwise, you're just enabling her to continue on this path. If she isn't putting any money toward her daughter, and barely spending any time with her? She doesn't deserve the privilege of being called a mother. And with that title disappearing, so too does the privilege to have custody. Thanks Rebel!! I have spoken to my close friends and they said pretty much same as you so im gonna do it. I'm not even hoping to get back with my ex as shes kinda changed after the pregnancy, i know if i met her now i wouldn't have liked her, think i just miss the old her thats why ive been letting her stringing me along. Guess the way she is with my daughter have put me off with her abit aswell. She also said to me the other day that if i do meet someone she dont want me to introduce her to my daughter straight away as she want me to be in a stable relationship first which is fair enough but she also said that she would want to meet my new girlfriend first before she meets my daughter... is that abit weird? 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Thanks Rebel!! I have spoken to my close friends and they said pretty much same as you so im gonna do it. I'm not even hoping to get back with my ex as shes kinda changed after the pregnancy, i know if i met her now i wouldn't have liked her, think i just miss the old her thats why ive been letting her stringing me along. Guess the way she is with my daughter have put me off with her abit aswell. She also said to me the other day that if i do meet someone she dont want me to introduce her to my daughter straight away as she want me to be in a stable relationship first which is fair enough but she also said that she would want to meet my new girlfriend first before she meets my daughter... is that abit weird? Missing the her you remember is probably a big part of why you've put up with this for as long as you have. And of course for your daughter's sake, as well. Your ex's first request (about your daughter) is reasonable, but her second request is not. So while I'll say honour the first request (not for her, but for the sake of your daughter), you don't owe her the second request. What reason could she possibly have to meet your "new GF", when that happens? She's your ex; she has no right to expect anything, at this point. I wish you the best of luck, and you're welcome. Talking to other people (especially on this site) has definitely help put some perspective, when we're too close to our situations. 1
Author daddy87 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Missing the her you remember is probably a big part of why you've put up with this for as long as you have. And of course for your daughter's sake, as well. Your ex's first request (about your daughter) is reasonable, but her second request is not. So while I'll say honour the first request (not for her, but for the sake of your daughter), you don't owe her the second request. What reason could she possibly have to meet your "new GF", when that happens? She's your ex; she has no right to expect anything, at this point. I wish you the best of luck, and you're welcome. Talking to other people (especially on this site) has definitely help put some perspective, when we're too close to our situations. yeah very true...so what would you do if you were me?? sorry if im asking to much but its just my mind is every where at the moment so i dont know where to start. Coming to this website have defo helped me alot:)
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 yeah very true...so what would you do if you were me?? sorry if im asking to much but its just my mind is every where at the moment so i dont know where to start. Coming to this website have defo helped me alot:) No trouble at all. If I were in your shoes? Well, I'd have a serious discussion with her. Put all the cards out on the table-especially when it comes to your daughter-and make it clear that if she doesn't start fulfilling her duties as a mother, she'll lose the privilege of having anything to do with her. She may have gone through the pregnancy, and pushed her out after a possibly arduous labour...but at this point, she is not being a mother. I'd also make it clear that anything that's to do with the two of you is over-the only contact will involve the child, and that will me limited at best. Of course, if she doesn't shape up as a mother, you can take it to court. If they rule in favour of you having full custody (with limited to no visitation rights for your ex), then she has brought it on herself. Also, I would make it clear to her your dating and social life, from that point on, is none of her concern. She doesn't need to meet anyone you date, and if things get serious between you and your potential GF, she's going to have to accept that your daughter is eventually going to meet her. Right now, that's pretty much all I got. I hope it helps. 2
Author daddy87 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Thank you for all the advice u gave me Rebel Feeling alot more positive today and actually looking forward to move on now, my ex picked my daughter up earlier and we didnt really speak but the best thing is i dont feel like i miss her afterwards when she left so guess im getting better. Didnt speak about the days about my daughter as we not long had an argument so gonna wait until shes abit more calm down. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 No trouble at all. You've started taking the steps, and that's what's important. Baby steps, right? Rome wasn't built in a day, as the old cliché goes. 1
Author daddy87 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 No trouble at all. You've started taking the steps, and that's what's important. Baby steps, right? Rome wasn't built in a day, as the old cliché goes. Yeah only baby step at the moment but i just wanna try my best to go forward now. Time to time i do find it difficult not to contact or think about her, its just really hard...
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