He is doing it AGAIN!

[Lilibet1968]

Hello, and I am so glad I found this terrific website. So many people needing answers and I want to send a virtual hug to all of us. My boyfriend and I have known eachother of 13 years. I will be upfront and straight out! The first 7 was not good. We are (or were) soulmates. For the first 7 years he was an alcoholic and dealing with so many issues regarding his separation.

 

I was always there for him, in love and support; and too much tolerance. He was not a physical abuser, but at times he took it out on me emotionally and mentally. Even called me his wife's name when he was drunk and was confused. To make a long story short, I am a single mother of three terrific children (now grown, and I will be a grandmother at the age of 44! I am so excited!!!)

 

A year after we started dating, he moved out of his home in which she and he were cohabitating, and moved in with me for afew weeks. He is a kind, and patient person, I also have bi-polarII and suffer from manic depression and anxiety; but I do NOT have a bad temper nor lash out on people, when I feel like an 'episode' is coming on I just want to be left alone, doing my garndening or shutting myself in my room. That is how I handle it!

 

Anyways, his wife blackmailed him into the matrimonial home out of 35,000 and because of that, he said he did some 'moneycrunching' and told me he and I couldn't afford the house that we were getting. She found out, and in her manipulating ways (she cheated throughout the marriage) won! I ended up losing my rental and he was convinved that living close to my parents and hour and a half away was best for me. It wasn't. It made me go into a deeper depression and my poor kids were very upset having to leave their school and friends. All because of him being weak to his ex. After six weeks of my new life in a new town; he bought a townhouse big enough where we couldn't shared with the kids. He said it was 'an investment'.

 

So for 7 turbulent years of his drinking, his wife causing trouble, me practically raising his son because he didn't want to be with his mom, I became very tired, fed up and tired of him telling me he was going to sell the townhouse and buy us a house in my new town. It didn't happen. I broke up with him, and it did kill me, I still loved him but I had to love me first and be alone with my children. We were separated for 4 years. I had a couple of b/f's during that course of time, but decided I was better off ALONE. Than one night he called, and we spoke. Something inside happened.

 

He was sober for three years and sounded great! Still, he wasn't divorced. We met and got back together. It was great and he was terrific sober and remains to this day. Very proud of him. He is better with my kids and with me. He is kind hearted. BUT STILL HE IS MARRIED AFTER 13 YEARS! As time went on he is practically common law with me now, and has practically tak'in over my house; which I rent. Its a big house and I love it.

 

I also love my space and became a 'private' person. I matured! He has, bit by bit, tak'in over my whole basement with his stuff (not from his townhouse) but things he has bought, made that into a workspace with so much junk, took over my garage, put up on of those tent garages on the side of my house and took over my fireplace room; my favourtie room! HE STILL HAS HIS TOWNHOUSE AND IS STILL MARRIED! We have been back together for three years and as time went on, I have had enough. He helps pays for my cable/internet/phone bill, he pays for my insurance (he uses my beat up car because I have a 'ball' on it so he can tow his boat that is taking up my driveway, and buys groceries. Am I wrong or is all of this 'self serving?'

 

I finally blew up (so not like me) and told him I was thankful for his help, but he has to help me pay rent. After all he has most of the house. He keeps telling me he is selling his townhouse, hasn't happened and he hasn't made ANY attempt to clean it out (its a pigpen full of crap) and made no attempt to divorce. It would cost money. She in return hasn't made any attempt either after 13 years. I have slowly lost respect for him, and losing interest. After all its been 13 years minus the three we were separated and still no improvements. He is a firefighter, and makes over 100,000 a year (does NOT pay alimony because she is rich, long story) and my family and friends are questioning me about why doesn't he buy me a decent car (mine is falling apart), take me on vacations and why the 'hell' hasn't he sold his house and get a divorce?

 

Since my daughter and her husband has announced they are expecting, and my 20 yr old son has moved out and my other son is going soon to the Armed Forces, I will be an empty nester...the strangest thing has happened to me...I want to be alone in MY house, and focus on my future with my kids and my future grandchild ALONE. Am I being mean, a shrew, selfish, right, and on and on. I seriously want to be ALONE! Whats your answers or guidance.

 

Sorry for the long letter...thanks! xoxoxox

Edited June 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs added

[GilianaK]

First off, getting this man out of your house and life is way, way, way overdue!

 

This is not a good man. He is using you and you have been letting him. You need to take personal responsibility for allowing this abusive relationship to go on for 13 long years.

 

The only way to get your self respect back is to kick this man to the curb immediately. You owe him nothing. You owe yourself everything!

[hoping2heal]

You aren't being mean or a shrew. It sounds like you put your faith in this man and it's finally starting to hit you that all of that good faith in him was for nothing. It should have set off warning bells when all that time had gone by and there was no divorce but it's too late now to cry over spilled milk. Just be aware of your tendency to do this for future relationships so you don't end up on a poor return from betting all your good faith on the wrong horse.