Bcomplex Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Is it normal to have regrets after separation? My wife and I have been separated for 11 months after being married for 13 years. We have two beautiful kids who we both love dearly. I believe that was the main reason we stayed together as long as we did. She left me back in 2006 (always arguing), but came back after we attended marriage counseling for a few months. However, the happiness was short-lived. It was my decision to leave the marriage as we could not get along and argued constantly about anything and everything... I mean everything. I didn't want the kids to think marriage should be like that and I also wanted to find happiness one day... not just getting by... Lately I have questioned my decision. I am not sure if it's because I am lonely (rarely have dated) or if there is some other reason. When I think about my "family" I miss it. However, when I think exclusively about my relationship with my wife, I don't miss it. I sometimes feel like I made the wrong decision, but have no idea why. I don't have many friends as many of "our friends" took her side. Most people think a guy cannot leave a woman unless there is "another woman." So, I spend most of my time either with my kids or alone... which is a bad place to be... Any constructive advice would be appreciated. I just want to be happy again. Thanks for taking the time to read this...
oldshirt Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 No matter how bad a marriage is there will have been some good times and there are always lots of initial dreams and plans etc etc. When that comes to an end there is going to be a morning phase over the loss. You always morn losses even when there is no wrong doing and no mistakes were made. I can't know all of the ins and outs of your marriage but I assume your decision to divorce was the correct one and the best for everyone involved. That doesn't mean that you won't morn the loss of something that was likely very important to you. You miss the good times and morn the loss of the dreams and expectations you had. You will go through the morning process over the loss a marriage just as you would over the loss of love one and go through those Kubler-Ross greiving phases such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and ultimately acceptance. Acceptance means that you accept what happens and are able to move past it and move forward and live a good life. It doesn't mean that you will ever by happy about it. It's just like you can accept and move forward after the loss of a parent or sibling or spouse or child or something but you will never happy and pleased that they are gone.
oldshirt Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 As far as advice on moving some grief counseling would help. Now this doesn't mean you are crazy or having any major problems or means that you are dysfunctional or anything. A grief counselor would help explain the grief process to you so you could see that you are perfectly normal and natural and that person would also help advise what steps and actions to take to help you get through that process and move on. The Cliff Notes of that process would likely involve recognizing and accepting that you have experienced a loss even though it was the right thing to do at the time. Then understanding the stages of grief that you will go through. And then what steps you can take to help get through it all. Those will be things like eating right, exercising, sleeping and taking care of yourself. Getting out and pursuing some hobbies and passions. Reconnecting with old friends and making some new ones. Getting out and doing fun things with fun people. They will basically tell you those things but will charge you $100/hr for it LOL People here will tell you the same things for free but it really does help to hear from someone face to face that has a degree hanging on the wall.
oldshirt Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Is it normal to have regrets after separation? Oh and to actually answer the question posed, Yes it is 100% normal and natural to mourn a loss. It would be abnormal, unnatural and unhealthy not to. Now what I think you need to do is search your feelings just a little more and determine if it is actually "regrets" that you are feeling? or if it is actually morning and sadness over the loss. Regret is something that you feel you did wrong or inadequate. Mourning is sadness over a loss and missing some of things that loss represents.
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