KatZee Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Our sex life is in accordance with when she wants it. When we have discussed this topic she has basically made me out to be needy and whingeing. Instead of taking a real stand I have just sucked it up and put up with it thinking its just the way it is and have learned to bottle up my frustration and resentment. Some people on these forums talk about their partners having a low libido and being asexual and I think that maybe she is one of those people who can just take it or leave it. Maybe this is why she's so uninterested in you. Passive guys are kind of a turn off. You just bend over backwards and go with whatever she wants. Have you ever just gone all dominant and taken her? Passionately? You're in a marriage, it's not all about her and what she wants and needs and it's not all about her schedule. You're a party of this marriage too. 2
Author Blueknight01 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Thank you everybody for your replies as blunt as some of them were. Sorry its been a while since I have replied but I had a small argument with a circular saw which I lost, which ended up with me winding up in an operating theatre to have a severed tendon in my finger re-stitched. I am now in a plaster cast and bandaged so my typing is not the best. Anyway, since I last posted I accessed the Dr Phil website and found some great questionnaires relating to a relationship health profile test, chemistry test, relationship communication and partner awareness test. My wife is going away for a few days with my daughter for a sports carnival so I started asking her about how much spare time would she have etc. She asked, 'Why?' and so I told her about the first two questionnaires which I think give a pretty good snapshot on how things are really going in a relationship if answered honestly by both partners. She was immediately defensive and said, 'Well obviously you think its miserable and want to leave. The relationship is obviously s**t in your eyes,' etc etc. I said doing this could be good so both of us can become aware of our deficiencies to become stronger as a couple etc and she became even worse making out that nothing will ever make me happy etc. WTF???? Her attitude was, 'Well I thought we were going better because we haven't been fighting as much.' I agreed with this but said, 'I want us to be there for each other and for our relationship to grow. I want sex a lot more than twice per month and I want us to do things for each other, showing affirmation, love and affection, going out together etc. She just basically said, 'Oh yeah on top of all the other things. I have so much time' or words to that effect. She has packed it anyway but whether she actually gets anything out of it is debatable. I am thinking more and more that I am flogging a dead horse. She either thinks everything is rosy, she is in complete denial that there are problems or she just thinks I am just a total whinger who is never happy.
Author Blueknight01 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Why did you marry a woman who told you directly that she'd had enough sex??? Easy answer. I was very lonely and on the rebound when I met her. She was in the same boat and I thought she was just basically saying she was sick of being mucked around by players and looking for someone who wants a relationship like her. I thought that like with many other previous relationships that I have been in once she gained my trust and we grew as a couple things would develop naturally and our sex life would be good. Obviously I was very wrong on that note.
secretjourney Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I think the other posters who are saying that she's only after you as a "meal ticket" and saying that your marriage can't be saved are providing some very dangerous "advice". Please don't listen to anyone on a message board who tells you that your marriage is over. They don't know you or your wife and the truth is that anyone on this board is only hearing your side of the story. Even if it is a cliché it's true that there are two sides to every story. I myself resisted counseling with my husband - not because I was not invested in our relationship, but because my previous experiences with counseling weren't helpful. Don't take her refusal to go to counseling as proof that she doesn't care about your marriage. It could be that she has her own preconceived ideas about counseling. I do think, however, that you need to make it clear to her how serious this has become for you. She may be somewhat depressed herself and living in a fog where she doesn't recognize your frustration. Without threatening her, you need to make it clear that things need to change. Someone else said that the key is that she has to realize that you mean it, and I think that's true. Not that you're packed and ready to leave, but that you will consider leaving if things don't change. From my reading of your relationship, I think there's hope that things could work out. I'd be willing to bet that your wife is unhappy too and would like things to change. The hard part is getting her to talk honestly about it and then you both have to do something about it. Good luck.
pteromom Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 She can get rid of those nasty periods via hysterectomy. Has anyone suggested it? Keeping the ovaries, if they aren't too horribly cystic, will prevent instant menopause. Or there is hormone replacement therapy. Best decision I ever made. Probably won't kindle an interest in sex on her part, as someone else said, she made it clear up front she was done with that. Did you think things would improve? For me, this killed what was left of my sex drive. It was good for me for other reasons, but killed off my libido. OP, I do not prioritize sex. I don't know what is going on with your wife, but I do know how difficult it is to try to make yourself want sex when you don't want sex. And how "abnormal" it feels when you don't have a normal libido or desire sex. And how gross it feels when you have no interest. And how horrible it feels to know you are disappointing your spouse. Again. I try really hard to have regular sex in my marriage, but it can be difficult at times. I would not just give up on your wife... assuming you love her and want to be with her. You will likely never get your dream-sex relationship, but I think you can make things better. Three kids can wear someone out. Make sure you are helping her. Do nice things for her (with no expectations). There is a poster here, James, who turned his marriage around. I haven't seen him recently but I am sure you can find his threads in this forum and see what worked for him.
Author Blueknight01 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 Another update: Both my wife and I completed the mentioned Dr Phil Relationship Health Profile Test and we both came up with a rating of 27. At the bottom of the quiz which is 62 questions long it says of the results, 'If your total score is between 20 and 32, then your relationship is seriously troubled and you may be living an "emotional divorce."' Its frustrating to think that my wife obviously has been less than content but has never conveyed her feelings to me as to what she is unhappy about. Her score could have even been worse than it was considering that she did not even answer 3 of the questions. I suggested that we need to further discuss our relationship and what we both answered in the quiz, but she has so far refused to do so. Her response was, 'Well I'm just stupid for doing the test. I won't be doing that next time.' I find her 'head in the sand attitude' to be mind boggling to say the least. Interestingly enough, each time I say something she has been generally happier, friendlier and more intimate but it obviously does not last. I have since reminded her that we have to discuss these important matters within these current 2 weeks of school holidays so she can be sure that I mean what I am saying and I won't allow it to be brushed under the carpet any more. If she point blank refuses to do so, I am moving out of the room to sleep elsewhere in order to show that I am serious. I have been helping around the house as much as possible in order to do my bit so to speak. Fingers crossed....
Author Blueknight01 Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 Another update re my sad, sad situation: Basically, despite all the questionnaires, talks etc between my wife and I, things have not improved and I have finally moved out of the marital bed and have taken up residence in the office on a sofa bed. I have had enough of all the crap and am now looking forward to exiting stage left. Thanks again for everyone's advice.
Recommended Posts