Is it possible to "re-date" someone?

[eastcoastgirl88]

Last January (so, a year and a half ago) I met a man I'll call Ryan. From the moment I saw him I thought to myself, "I'm going to marry this guy." He is not conventionally good-looking but there was something about him that intrigued me.

 

Over the next few months Ryan would text/call me every week or so (he is an athlete) to keep in touch from his home in another state. When he would come into town for whatever reason, we'd hang out and have amazing conversation and connection. I DEFINITELY assumed we'd start dating for real when he got back.

 

When he got back in town for the season he started inviting me to games but because his schedule was no crazy there was no regularity to our dates. I had no idea when I would hear from him. When I would we'd spend the entire day/night together, then he'd be back on the road for a week, then back in town for a few days, then back out of town...

 

We started sleeping together around June or July. I was starting to really fall for him. I was also starting to feel worse and worse about the situation because despite our amazing connection/conversation/times together I was fully aware I wasn't his girlfriend.

 

Soon I couldn't think about anything BUT him. When he'd leave my place I'd spend the entire rest of the day sleeping and crying because the situation stressed me out so much. I was losing myself and starting to not act myself around him because I was so nervous about the precarious status of our relationship.

 

Things came to a head in August when I saw him out with a random girl at a bar. I acted like it was no big deal (said hi, went on with my friends) but ended up leaving, going home and sobbing all night. It was horrible.

 

You'd think I'd forget him, right? Nope. After a short vow of "I'll never speak with him again," I was right back there when he wanted to see me. I started texting HIM first, initiating things.

 

End of the season I got drunk at his game and ended up spilling many of these feelings to him via text message, telling him he made me nervous, telling him how much I valued his intellect and wished things weren't going the way they were going...his responses surprised me because I didn't think he cared that much at all. He admitted he hadn't been the "most consistent" person but that he valued me, considered me "different" than other "dumb" girls he is usually surrounded with, thought I was very deep, considered us "very similar" in a lot of ways, basically trying to make me feel better. I can't remember everything exactly since it was last summer but I remember ending the conversation feeling relieved I had been honest about my feelings.

 

Things got better for awhile after that but since I still wasn't his "girlfriend" I found myself protecting my feelings, referring to him as a "friend" (even to him), joking about the fact that he was sleeping with so many people...all trying to make myself appear "cool" with what was going on. I basically didn't want him to think I was completely out of control with my feelings.

 

Then at the end of the season he left town again. When he came back for a few days he called me and we got together. Again I joked about our relationship, the other girls, etc. I was so nervous being with him I was practically sweating. Because it was the first time I'd seen him in awhile it all felt so "important." He mentioned getting together next time he was in town but that was the last time I saw him.

 

I texted him on New Year's Day, no response, then once again a few weeks later seeing if he wanted to hang out. No response. A few weeks after that I found out from one of my best friends that he was dating and LIVING WITH some girl she knew from another city, and that the girl had moved to where he was.

 

I was devestated but not surprised. She's exactly the kind of girl this guy would be entranced with before realizing she was bad news in a party girl kind of way.

 

Anyway, I've since heard they've broken up for the reasons I listed above. And I want another chance with this guy.

 

When I met him, I was immature, unsure of my career, and clearly too insecure for the type of relationship I thought I could handle with him. I feel like I met him at COMPLETELY the wrong time. I also believe it was a bad time for HIM--he went from relative nobody to major somebody from when we met to when we stopped talking.

 

Now I feel in control of my emotions and life and direction I'm going in. I feel ready for a relationship.

 

If you were me how would you go about re-establishing contact? I want a NEW relationship with him, not to continue what we had going before. I want to put it all the in the past and start fresh.

[BradJacobs]

Just to make certain I'm clear on things ... what kind of relationship are you wanting to start with him? Sex only? Committed?

 

Would like to know before I weigh in on what I'd do in your shoes.

[thefooloftheyear]

If he never contacted you during that down time, then the chances are good that he doesnt think that much for you at all...Quite frankly, it was pretty clear from your original post that you werent much more than a random piece of ass to him...Sorry, I know that comes off as crude and maybe I am missing something,,,

 

TFY

[eastcoastgirl88]

I DEFINITELY want a committed, real relationship with him.

 

That's what I wanted the first time around but things got so messed up that I ended up being someone he could call when he was bored or wanted sex.

 

I don't, however, believe I was ever a "piece of ass" to him. Our relationship was much, much deeper than your standard "booty call." I didn't actually sleep with him until June or July anyway, so maybe 6-7 months after we initially met and started hanging out.

 

If you need more info please ask. I really want some opinions on this.

[thefooloftheyear]

Last January (so, a year and a half ago) I met a man I'll call Ryan. From the moment I saw him I thought to myself, "I'm going to marry this guy." He is not conventionally good-looking but there was something about him that intrigued me.

 

Over the next few months Ryan would text/call me every week or so (he is an athlete) to keep in touch from his home in another state. When he would come into town for whatever reason, we'd hang out and have amazing conversation and connection. I DEFINITELY assumed we'd start dating for real when he got back.

 

When he got back in town for the season he started inviting me to games but because his schedule was no crazy there was no regularity to our dates. I had no idea when I would hear from him. When I would we'd spend the entire day/night together, then he'd be back on the road for a week, then back in town for a few days, then back out of town...

 

We started sleeping together around June or July. I was starting to really fall for him. I was also starting to feel worse and worse about the situation because despite our amazing connection/conversation/times together I was fully aware I wasn't his girlfriend.

 

Soon I couldn't think about anything BUT him. When he'd leave my place I'd spend the entire rest of the day sleeping and crying because the situation stressed me out so much. I was losing myself and starting to not act myself around him because I was so nervous about the precarious status of our relationship.

 

Things came to a head in August when I saw him out with a random girl at a bar. I acted like it was no big deal (said hi, went on with my friends) but ended up leaving, going home and sobbing all night. It was horrible.

 

You'd think I'd forget him, right? Nope. After a short vow of "I'll never speak with him again," I was right back there when he wanted to see me. I started texting HIM first, initiating things.

 

End of the season I got drunk at his game and ended up spilling many of these feelings to him via text message, telling him he made me nervous, telling him how much I valued his intellect and wished things weren't going the way they were going...his responses surprised me because I didn't think he cared that much at all. He admitted he hadn't been the "most consistent" person but that he valued me, considered me "different" than other "dumb" girls he is usually surrounded with, thought I was very deep, considered us "very similar" in a lot of ways, basically trying to make me feel better. I can't remember everything exactly since it was last summer but I remember ending the conversation feeling relieved I had been honest about my feelings.

 

Things got better for awhile after that but since I still wasn't his "girlfriend" I found myself protecting my feelings, referring to him as a "friend" (even to him), joking about the fact that he was sleeping with so many people...all trying to make myself appear "cool" with what was going on. I basically didn't want him to think I was completely out of control with my feelings.

 

Then at the end of the season he left town again. When he came back for a few days he called me and we got together. Again I joked about our relationship, the other girls, etc. I was so nervous being with him I was practically sweating. Because it was the first time I'd seen him in awhile it all felt so "important." He mentioned getting together next time he was in town but that was the last time I saw him.

 

I texted him on New Year's Day, no response, then once again a few weeks later seeing if he wanted to hang out. No response. A few weeks after that I found out from one of my best friends that he was dating and LIVING WITH some girl she knew from another city, and that the girl had moved to where he was.

 

I was devestated but not surprised. She's exactly the kind of girl this guy would be entranced with before realizing she was bad news in a party girl kind of way.

 

Anyway, I've since heard they've broken up for the reasons I listed above. And I want another chance with this guy.

 

When I met him, I was immature, unsure of my career, and clearly too insecure for the type of relationship I thought I could handle with him. I feel like I met him at COMPLETELY the wrong time. I also believe it was a bad time for HIM--he went from relative nobody to major somebody from when we met to when we stopped talking.

 

Now I feel in control of my emotions and life and direction I'm going in. I feel ready for a relationship.

 

If you were me how would you go about re-establishing contact? I want a NEW relationship with him, not to continue what we had going before. I want to put it all the in the past and start fresh.

 

Think about this...Even if he was with someone else, do you not get the feeling that he wasnt into you, if he never even responded to your text?

 

And if he is now broken off with the new girl, why isnt he beating your door down?

 

So, OK maybe he decides that you reach out to him now, hes unattached and he says, "eh, what the hell, I got nothing else going at the moment"..so the game is on again..Do you want to be the fallback option?

 

All I am saying is that as a guy, if you were that important to me, the moment I was free of my relationship I would be reaching out to you. And I wouldnt have ignored your texts either..I would have replied in a polite manner.

 

What have you got to lose? Give it a shot... I just dont see that hes all that crazy about you..Sorry.

 

TFY

[BradJacobs]

I DEFINITELY want a committed, real relationship with him.

 

That's what I wanted the first time around but things got so messed up that I ended up being someone he could call when he was bored or wanted sex.

Being perfectly honest I think you'd have a better time starting a FWB/BC relationship again than asking him to commit to you and you alone.

 

But as someone else asked, what do you have to lose? If he says no then you're in no worse shape than you are right now. If he says yes then it could be the start of something brilliant.

 

I'm not certain I would tell him that you found out his gf and he broke up ... that may come off a bit stalkerish.

 

Good luck.

[avelonia2013]

I was in a situation where things got messed up in the beginning and thought about what "starting over" would be like too. The other person has to want it too though and if they did they would come forward and tell you. If he's not on the sae page as you then it's likely it won't happen.

 

Hey, if you decide to go for it and it works out post an update. I'm would be inerested in hearing how it going with yu and whether or not things improved.

 

Good luck!

[eastcoastgirl88]

Oh, I would NEVER mention anything about the ex!!!

 

Was actually thinking of "accidentally on purpose" running into him somewhere...that would eliminate the need for me to call or text and thus eliminate any embarrassing rejection.

 

I'm so MAD I met him when I did and not know when I'm feeling good about myself.

[BC1980]

For a guy, it usually reeks of low self esteem that you are willing to sleep with him with no commitment. You messed up way back at that point. It's going to be difficult for him to see you as girlfriend material. Take this as a lesson, and move forward. The lesson being that it is usually impossible for a FWB situation to be totally mutual. One party always wants more, and it's usually the woman.

 

Your post makes it so painfully clear to everyone but yourself that this guy has no want to commit to you.

 

However, I guess there is nothing to lose by asking at this point. I'm really sorry. You deserve better though.

[Star Gazer]

If you were me how would you go about re-establishing contact?

 

I wouldn't. Leopards don't lose their spots. He wasn't into you then, why would he be into you now?

 

You wanna be his roll in the way when he strolls into town? Really?

[eastcoastgirl88]

He WAS into me the first few months we were hanging out. It's when I started acting "desperate" and initiating contact out of insecurity that he backed off.

[BC1980]

So he wants to pull the strings here? And by that, I mean use you when it's convenient. Once you initiated contact, he could tell you were more interested. Hence, he backed off because he doesn't want that. He's a waste of time. You can do better.

[Star Gazer]

He WAS into me the first few months we were hanging out. It's when I started acting "desperate" and initiating contact out of insecurity that he backed off.

 

After a few months of dating, initiating contact is expected, not a bad thing.

 

After a few months of dating, you shouldn't have seen him on a date with another woman.

 

After a few months of dating, he'd have made his intentions clear - *if* he was into you.

Edited June 24, 2013 by Star Gazer
Funniest typo ever!

[Million.to.1]

 

I was fully aware I wasn't his girlfriend.

 

I was so nervous about the precarious status of our relationship.

 

I acted like it was no big deal but ended up leaving, going home and sobbing all night. It was horrible.

 

After a short vow of "I'll never speak with him again," I was right back there when he wanted to see me. I started texting HIM first, initiating things.

 

Things got better for awhile after that but since I still wasn't his "girlfriend" I found myself protecting my feelings, referring to him as a "friend" (even to him), joking about the fact that he was sleeping with so many people...all trying to make myself appear "cool" with what was going on.

 

Because it was the first time I'd seen him in awhile it all felt so "important." He mentioned getting together next time he was in town but that was the last time I saw him.

 

I texted him on New Year's Day, no response, then once again a few weeks later seeing if he wanted to hang out. No response.

 

I was devestated but not surprised.

 

He clearly did not want a relationship with you.

You accepted him dating/seeing other people at the same time. You knew that if you gave him the ultimatum of a monogamous relationship or you'd disappear, he'd let you disappear, plain and simple.

 

 

 

When I met him, I was immature, unsure of my career, and clearly too insecure for the type of relationship I thought I could handle with him. I feel like I met him at COMPLETELY the wrong time. I also believe it was a bad time for HIM--he went from relative nobody to major somebody from when we met to when we stopped talking.

 

Now I feel in control of my emotions and life and direction I'm going in. I feel ready for a relationship.

 

If you were me how would you go about re-establishing contact? I want a NEW relationship with him, not to continue what we had going before. I want to put it all the in the past and start fresh.

 

It was never about you, or what you wanted or what you were going through. You don't have to change to be worthy of a relationship with him. He has to change. He has to WANT a relationship with you, and I'm sorry, but he doesn't.

[hoping2heal]

I can't see you getting what you want. The reason being, he dated and had someone move in with him. If he wanted that from you, he would have asked for it. I don't think he saw you as only sex, but it's pretty clear he saw you as a friend to have sex with and not a girlfriend. I realize it doesn't make sense that he'd see you as a friend, enjoy sex with you, and so therefore how could he NOT want you as a girlfriend? But, the writing on the wall is pretty clear.

[Imajerk17]

I realize that I am somewhat late to this thread....

 

My answer is to not get ahead of yourself. Your only goal at this point is to restart a conversation with him. THEN if that happens, then you can talk about what you are up to now. And THEN if the two of you meet up and he is interested in seeing you again, can you talk about what you are hoping for. But those are later steps for a later time. If he isn't curious about you and how you are doing (which starts with him replying to your text) then all that stuff you mentioned about how you matured won't matter.

 

AND if he isn't curious about you, then it is probably something going on at his end. It's perfectly normal to be at loose ends at 23 or 24.

 

EDIT: It sounds to me that you are taking the responsibility for that so that the changes you made means that he MIGHT want to date you seriously this time (i.e., "He didn't want to date me seriously because I didn't have my life together before but now I do so he will want to date me seriously"). That doesn't make you delusional or weak by any means, I think we've all done that. He really might be curious and interested in dating you seriously too. BUT he might not.

Edited June 25, 2013 by Imajerk17