guest Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 I have been married for four years, since I was 18. My husband is six years older than me. I think I have reached the end of our relationship. I have run out of energy. This will be long sorry and thank you to everyone who reads it. Where to start??? I am in a relationship with a man who can not compromise and can be insensative. Here a few examples: He said he will always care for his brothers more then me, sometimes they disrespect me and he does not interviene. He has on several occasion not bought me a birthday card, when I asked him why he said he was to busy. He does things to destroy my trust then tells me we should not be together if I do not trust him. I feel like I can't tell him how I feel because I am afraid that he will get angry. He uses anger to control me, when I am upset or angry with him he is 10X more angry with me and I end of aplogizing. This has destoryed my self-esteem. He tells me that my insecurities will destroy the relationship but I am insesure because of the things he does. The things he knows hurts me but will not change. I have come to the point where I usually accept, understand anf forgive. He relizes this and knows that he can get away with a lot. He does not feel guilty about the things he does that hurts me and damages our relationship, if he did he would tell me about them so I would forgive him and he would feel better. Yesterday he told me that he would never be able to find someone as understanding as me. I told him that I was naive not understanding and he said if I was navie then he would be taking advantage of me but he was not. Now I feel that he is taking advantage of the fact that I will forgive and understand him. I often think about getting out of the relationship but I don't want to give up, I don't want to be a quiter. I understand that I can not change him and he will not change because he does not want to. He is comfortable with his situation and it is my fault. I cook dinner for him, do most of the chores so he does not have to, I work a full time job in which I support my self and no matter what he does I always understand and forgive. Why would he want his situation in life to be any different. He can continue his destructive behavior and I will keep holding our relationship together by understanding and forgiving. I feel like I have run out of energy. I have a low self-esteem. How can I make things work. If I give him an ultamatium which I was condisering of: him putting in the energy of changing his habits that hurt me or I will leave. Our relationship feel slike a cozy blanket, something familiar and comfortable, but sometimes more, I do really love him. Any advice would be great. Sorry this message was so long.
Weird Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 What an azzhole! My advice is that you two try to get some councelling and if he doesn't go with it or doesn't change then tell him you are leaving the marriage. It is possible he sees that you will put up wiht his ****e and will keep abusing you that way so if you tell him you are leaving and stand by your guns he may change his tune. No person, especially one who is married, deserves to be treated like a doormat and blatantly used like he is using you. I am sorry to hear about your situation:(
guest Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 I do feel like a doormat. I don't know what to do. I know that it would be better for me to leave. I doubt that he would put up much of a fight. I found a picture he used to keep of me in his wallet that has been put in his nightstand drawer. Maybe he to feels that it is better for him to leave. I wonder if he is cheating and puts it there when he goes to see the other women so she won't know, then outs it back so I won't know. I get these huge surges of emotion I can feel it through my whole body then my eyes swell with tears and I have to take a deep breath and let all that emotion out. I came home yesterday and he wanted to have sex so we did, towards the end I started to cry, I had to control myself from sobbing. He did not notice and I won't tell him. I have put together a list of things I would like to say to him, they are: I should know that I am the #1 person in the life of the #1 person to me. You have destoryed our relationship and I have been trying to stay afloat to keep it alive. You are right, I don't trust you, I don't even know who you are. I feel that it would be only a matter of time before you did something that would destory us and more so me. You do these horrible things and see how much it hurts me but the next day or a week later you are at it again. You either have no self control or are selfish, maybe both. I have no more energy to put up with you. I have no more patience, understanding or forgiveness, you have used them all up. I have a new clairty of what is important and that should be me. (once we got dinner and brought it home, he dropped his on the floor so I isaid that he eat mine and I would make dinner. So I did that and even made some extra for him. He would never do something like that, he often takes the last of everything. We were at a party and he was getting food (while I went to the restroom) and someone asked me if I was going to eat and if he, my husband, was being a gentlman and get some food for me. Well he comes back, and no he did not, which I new, then when I asked if I could share, he said okay but you should get yor own, then I asked if I could have the last of his encillada, he said okay, so I cut it in to two small pieces and ate the first, then when I went to eat the second he had ate it.) I know that is a small example, but something very typical in our everyday life. Like him getting ice cream and not asking if I would like some to, just small things like that. Sorry for rabbling. I am not saying that you have not been wonderful in some aspects of our relationship, and I know I could have been better on somethings. I am just saying that I feel like you have failed me where it mattered most. Sorry to ramble but it helps to write down what I want to say and then read over it. I am going to start seeing a counselor and not tell him about it. Then when I have some thing better mapped out, I am leaving. I think the only emotion he will feel is rejection. Any advice would be very helpful.
Weird Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 I think that is good advice. Go see someone and get your confidence back and then tell this guy all the stuff you have said right here. If he does not see that he is being a prick and does not wish to change his ways then you need ot leave him because he does not deserve having someone around like you.
Guest Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 I just needed to vent somemore. A few weeks ago we were apartmnt hunting and hat stopped at this shopping center to take a break. I was sitting outside a stor emy husband was shopping in, talking to his brother on the phone. He came out and said lets go, I said hold on a second I am talking to your brother. Yes, I could have gone at that moment, but I was relaxing. He just suddenly blew up at me. We got in the car and at the top of his lungs he just stated yelling at me, "YOU CAN TALK AND WALK AT THE SAME TIME." I told him I was sorry that he was upset and he just continued to yell at me, I eventually started to cry and then we arrived home, he parked and I got out, then he drove off and was gone for an hour. Later on another day he snapped at me, I was telling him aout something I learned in class, when I was done, I said I thought it was interesting, he snapped and said, "I didn't say it wasn't", so the next morning I asked him why he kept yelling at me. He said I was having a frustrating day, I can understand that. I told him I was hurt that he would react that way. Again, no apology for yelling at me, just the, I was having a frustrating day remark. He could have said, I am sorry to take my frustrations out on you. I once asked my husband, what don't you like about your self and he said, nothing, I try not to think about my self in any negative way. And he is does that, that is why he could not apologize to me that is why he won't change his behaviour. He sees nothing wrong with the way he acts and treats me. He called me a little while ago to talk. I was quiet and he kept asking me why. Well, it is because I am unhappy, I did not say that. I just told him I was listeing to him and that was all. It's funny how he can act like everything is okay, that he can hurt my feelings yet wonder why I am so distant.
Artifact Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 This sounds like an abusive relationship. I am not a professional, but please do seek some kind of help. Counseling seems like a good idea- but it's not like you need me to tell you this! Just remember to take care of yourself. And, even though divorce is nasty, and something most people try to avoid, if he keeps putting you down, making you feel miserable, etc., you have to get out. Is there a chance he could be physically abusive?
Guest Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 I made an appointment to see a counselor, just for me so I can get things together and become a stonger person. I did tell my husband that I made an appointment, he rolled his eyes and just sighed. No, he has never hit me, he has never evan called a bad name. I called him this morning and told him I was thinking about us, he said he needed to call me back. When he did, he did not even ask me again what I was thinking. If I was to never bring up the subject again, he would never ask and we would go on pretending that everything is okay. I am going to have a real heart to heart discussion with him tonight. Either we will solve our problems or we will have to work on getting rid of our baggage and get closure so we can move on. Thanks for the advice and reply.
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