Need to know what's what

[jussie]

My boyfriend and I started dating in February, and after 3 months he dumped me for the following reasons: 1) He is moving to Bulgaria in November for 1 year and he wouldn't tell me whether we were going to stay together through that (i.e. he couldn't tell me how committed he was to me), which made me very anxious and I applied pressure, which pissed him off, 2) I like to plan our dates ahead of time because I like to go out, but he doesn't like to plan and is fine with staying in and just watching a movie or TV most of the time, 3) he used to text me all the time and was good about returning phone calls, but after a month of dating it dropped off and I became very concerned about his feelings about me; 4) he said the problems we were having with each other would take a long time to fix, and he felt we didn't have enough time to fix them before he leaves for Bulgaria. Overall, it was very clear that I was more into him and more committed to him than he was to me. For example, when my mom was in town (2 months after we started dating), he didn't want to meet her bc it was "too soon," which actually meant that he wasn't serious enough about me to start meeting parents. Likewise, when his mom was in town, he didn't want me to meet her, even though she wanted to meet me. He also didn't want to be Facebook friends, but claims he's not hiding anything from me and isn't hiding me from anyone. He doesn't really have any friends in this town and claims that he doesn't really keep in touch with old friends, so the only person he told about me is his mom.

 

Only 10 days after we broke up he was back on OkCupid (where we met). I was already devastated by the dumping, and seeing him back on so soon was insult to injury. I tried NC, but was very unsuccessful. He never initiated contact, but would always reply kindly when I did, which seem like mixed signals to me. I had said I wanted to stay friends and still do things with him, but then I realized he agreed to that only bc he was lonely, and I offered only bc I wanted to get back together with him.

 

A month after breaking up, he wanted to get back together. He said he would be better about communication and he wanted to try harder this time around. He admitted that last time he got lazy about the relationship and just gave up prematurely. We still never resolved the issue about his commitment though - I still don't know whether we will stay together while he is in Bulgaria - but I took him back anyways. He said, "I want this to work out, but I can't guarantee anything." On top of that, his daughter is in town for 2 weeks (so we can only see each other for lunch, but he doesn't want to do it everyday), and later this summer he will be in California for one week, so we have very little time together before he leaves for Bulgaria. After only one week of getting back together, we ran into communication problems and lack of planning things again. I am unhappy with the relationship, and feel that he is being lazy like before. He prefers text to calling, but he barely texts me during the day, and when I call, he calls back saying, "Just returning your call," and not, "I wanted to talk to you too," like it a f'g chore to talk to his girlfriend. He has told me before that he doesn't need to talk to his SO everyday, but I need that, and it's what we used to do when we first started dating, so I don't understand why he can't do that now. His attitude toward me now is so different from the beginning - I don't understand why he wanted to get back together in the first place.

 

All my friends have said that I should give up on him and break up, that I'm forcing something that isn't meant to be. But I feel that he is a great guy in every other respect. I don't understand why he can't commit to me, why he is so hesitant about doing long-distance (maybe because he is traumatized by his divorce, which happened while he was deployed overseas?), and why he isn't as into me as before. What was the point of getting back together?

 

He has said that he is very busy getting ready for Bulgaria, and also with applying for grad school and taking the GRE, so he just doesn't really have the time for a relationship. He is concerned that because we don't have much time together (due to his being out of town, his daughter being here, and all the stuff he has to do), that we won't have enough time to build the relationship to where it needs to be in order to last through long-distance. Perhaps this makes me a desperate doormat, but I told him that I still wanted to see if we could make it work by making the best out of the time we do have together.

 

I'm posting all this here because I don't know whether my expectations for a relationship are reasonable or not. Am I too needy/clingy, or is he being a horrible boyfriend? Everything was going great in the beginning - we texted all day long with each other and we saw each other most days of the week, including sleepovers. I think things started falling apart after a month, when I asked him to meet my mom and he didn't want to - that's when I found out that we might be on different pages, that he isn't as serious about me as I am about him. This led to all our arguing and problems, as I became very insecure about myself and our relationship, which led him to become annoyed with my distrust of him. Now that we're back together, i don't want to give up on this. But when I tell him about my concerns about the relationship, he gets very annoyed and doesn't want to talk about our problems and try to resolve them.

 

Maybe I should just end the relationship, but I really don't want to give up and I can stand the thought of him being with someone else in the future. I do love him, and feel we make a great team in the long-run, so i want him for myself.

Edited June 23, 2013 by jussie
Typo

[LinkWorshiper]

Sounds like he has a bit of a destructive cycle. My man has that problem too, and every time it rears its head, it usually takes me having to put my foot down to shake him out of it (though on this particular go-around, it remains to be seen if it will work). Anyway, that stuff isn't a deal breaker for me because I have my own stuff that I deal with too. I guess the question you have to ask yourself is what you're willing to put up with and what you're not. If the good outweighs the bad, then there's your answer. If not... well, that's also your answer!