The Studmuffin Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 It's really a simple issue: Jack and Jill are together/dating. Jill is pretty heavily in love with Jack, would move countries and radically change her career to be with him. Jack likes Jill, even loves her, but not in the same way. He actually wouldn't mind that much if the relationship broke up (plenty of other fish in the sea, right?), but then again, being with her is good fun, so why not? What do you think about this? Is it OK for a relationship like this to go on?
SoulJazzBlues Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 So..are you Jack? I cant answer whether it is okay but a relationship would probably end one way or another sooner or later. Mind you, in any given relationship there is always one individual that loves or is more invested in the other. The trick is that this imbalance isnt too great and that the roles are sometimes reversed. But in your case, it sounds like Jill is in for heartbreak. 1
white Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 (edited) Yes. Most relationships feature different levels of investment. Provided the less invested partner continues to behave decently, the more invested one is free to go crazy dreaming of honeymoons until they realise they should scale it back a bit, and if they feel betrayed that it wasn't like a Disney film and leave, it was hardly your fault - you did love them. Just do not start to abuse their devotion, or you become a monster. And be ready for the commitment issue to come up, and don't complain when it does, because you could see it coming ten miles off. Edited June 23, 2013 by white 1
Author The Studmuffin Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 Yes, I'm Jack. And yes, commitment issues are coming up. She's living in different country and the issue has just recently come up that we either start living together or break it off. That's when I hesitate, because I'm not sure I'm in for it, that my love for her is strong enough. But maybe it's OK to not necessarily be totally in love. It's OK to have a good friendship and some attraction and appreciation of each other. Maybe that can grow and become something more, something strong? That's the other argument.
KatZee Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Jack likes Jill, even loves her, but not in the same way. He actually wouldn't mind that much if the relationship broke up (plenty of other fish in the sea, right?), but then again, being with her is good fun, so why not? It's true that two people are on different interest levels throughout the relationship, especially in the beginning, but as time goes on and the closer they get, the relationship should even out and they should both be equally as invested as the other. What you said here really stuck out to me because my ex said something along these lines to me. I was in love with him, I could see engagement and a future and he said, "If we broke up it wouldn't bother me, there are other people out there for me." It just shocked me that he really would basically say if we broke up he wouldn't care at all. I should have really paid attention to that and realize right then and there that his investment to me was practically nil. 1
Author The Studmuffin Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 jack is an arrogant jerk. any questions? He'd certainly be a prick if he weren't seriously asking himself this question.
Titania22 Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I feel really bad for Jill. This can't end well, and the longer it goes on the more hurt she will be. My last relationship was like this. I was Jill, and I was absolutely destroyed when he left. And even though it ended 5.5yrs ago, I haven't had a relationship since. 1
veggirl Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Please don't let this girl uproot her life for you. Please tell her that you are neutral about the relationship. Honestly once you meet someone who you do have that passion for, you will cheat on her or dump her anyway. 1
Author The Studmuffin Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 It's good to read your sobering comments. I shouldn't settle for something that I'm not passionate about, and she should be with somebody who's passionate about her. 4
rocketman122 Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 He'd certainly be a prick if he weren't seriously asking himself this question. no hes still a prick. your, err, jacks attitude sucks. its a crappy feeling when one gives and the other is just coming along for the ride. that jack is a douche and needs to man up and stop acting like a jill. 1
veggirl Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 no hes still a prick. your, err, jacks attitude sucks. its a crappy feeling when one gives and the other is just coming along for the ride. that jack is a douche and needs to man up and stop acting like a jill. Wow dude. I take it you've never been confused in a relationship. Congrats! You are superior to all of us then! 1
Els Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Not okay at all if she's planning to uproot and move to be with you. IMO if you want to stay in it, that's your call, but there needs to be complete and honest disclosure. Which means she needs to know what your feelings about this are. 1
rocketman122 Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Confused? Of course but I never lead them on. I don't want someone playing with my emotions and I don't play with theirs. He knows that hes not serious and she is. So let her know or move on and let her find someone who will love her right. 1
Author The Studmuffin Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 no hes still a prick. your, err, jacks attitude sucks. its a crappy feeling when one gives and the other is just coming along for the ride. that jack is a douche and needs to man up and stop acting like a jill. There's no need to be so drastic. I have feelings for her too, otherwise we wouldn't be together. I respect her immensely and have treated her well. But now when it comes to the question of going serious, moving countries and things like that, I have to take a good look at what the relationship is made of.
NJtoDC Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Is it OK for a relationship like this to go on? How long have you two been together? Do you see each other face to face often?
Author The Studmuffin Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 We've known each other for two years, but for most of the time it's been casual + long distance.
NJtoDC Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 We've known each other for two years, but for most of the time it's been casual + long distance. If you feel like you know her well enough and have been in a relationship long enough to have a good grasp on who she is and how you two are together do you think the extent of your feelings for her have reached their peak? Is a deeper desire to progress the relationship going to come for you? Do you think you will desire more given more time? How long have you been dating seriously, if at all? What are you looking for in a relationship? What is she looking for?
rocketman122 Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 There's no need to be so drastic. I have feelings for her too, otherwise we wouldn't be together. I respect her immensely and have treated her well. But now when it comes to the question of going serious, moving countries and things like that, I have to take a good look at what the relationship is made of. Don't be upset when people don't see your side. I've been in the position she's in although minus the moving to a new country. But definitely the one who puts in more effort and invests more so I feel empathy for her. You have to accept that people will not agree with you. What? Did you expect everyone to say oh you're a great guy ur doing the right thing kinda comments? Be honest with her and see how quick she disappears. U know this too. Ur just looking for pity comments.
Author The Studmuffin Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 If you feel like you know her well enough and have been in a relationship long enough to have a good grasp on who she is and how you two are together do you think the extent of your feelings for her have reached their peak? Is a deeper desire to progress the relationship going to come for you? Do you think you will desire more given more time? How long have you been dating seriously, if at all? What are you looking for in a relationship? What is she looking for? Interesting questions... dating seriously - not long, if at all. It started out quite casually and than she moved back to her country. A few months, I would say. I think that even if I saw some possibility of my feelings growing deeper with time (which they certainly would, anyway), I don't think it is the right base for a serious relationship. Especially, since she's making a big decision to come to me. I think she deserves someone who can love her sincerely and passionately. That's also something I want to feel, and that you can't fake. With her it would always remain a low-key, friendly kind of relationship, I feel. Thanks for your comments guys, which were, for the most part, useful and constructive. I've drafted an e-mail that I'm sending her tomorrow (after sleeping on it).
Ripnet Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Don't be upset when people don't see your side. I've been in the position she's in although minus the moving to a new country. But definitely the one who puts in more effort and invests more so I feel empathy for her. You have to accept that people will not agree with you. What? Did you expect everyone to say oh you're a great guy ur doing the right thing kinda comments? Be honest with her and see how quick she disappears. U know this too. Ur just looking for pity comments. First of all it seems he isn't looking for pity, he seems to be looking for validation or guidance. Also maybe he think it maybe not fair for her to move to his country. If things don't work out then she can be stuck there. What he should do is like her go. When you love someone truly you shouldn't have doubts.
rocketman122 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I think that even if I saw some possibility of my feelings growing deeper with time (which they certainly would, anyway), I don't think it is the right base for a serious relationship. Especially, since she's making a big decision to come to me. I think she deserves someone who can love her sincerely and passionately. That's also something I want to feel, and that you can't fake. With her it would always remain a low-key, friendly kind of relationship, I feel. Thanks for your comments guys, which were, for the most part, useful and constructive. I've drafted an e-mail that I'm sending her tomorrow (after sleeping on it). you dont have strong enough feeling to make it successful. First of all it seems he isn't looking for pity, he seems to be looking for validation or guidance. What he should do is like her go. When you love someone truly you shouldn't have doubts. yes I meant validation. I didnt know the word. sometimes I use thesaurus to find the right word. yes absolutely. well said.
Recommended Posts