hppr Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Not all men or even most men ( especially at your age ) are attractive enough/have enough game to have had double digit partners. It's not just attraction. Most guys/gals just don't go for that kind of stuff for reasons of morality or character. I mean there's reality and then there's the internet, just have to learn how to separate the two of them.
hppr Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I'd like to know what some of the reasons are? I don't really want to say anything it's just a feeling I get reading your posts, honestly I probably went too far with just that little comment about "focus on school". It is your life to live you have to make your own decisions and live with them.
NoMoreJerks Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 As long as he is not having one night stands while you are together, I don't see why it's a problem? If you are concerned about STDs, ask him to get tested. Now, IMO, a guy who has had plenty of ONS, is usually not the kind of guy who will want to stop doing it and turn it down when the opportunity presents itself. Being in a relationship never stops people who are into ONS, from doing it. So I'd be careful about this one, if I were you. I've been cheated on, and maybe that makes me hypersensitive but I'd keep my eyes open. Also, I've seen way too many married men and women picking up women/men, so it's not unthinkable. I think maybe that is what is bothering you-- and not retroactive jealousy as someone mentioned here.
ASG Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 As long as he is not having one night stands while you are together, I don't see why it's a problem? If you are concerned about STDs, ask him to get tested. Now, IMO, a guy who has had plenty of ONS, is usually not the kind of guy who will want to stop doing it and turn it down when the opportunity presents itself. Being in a relationship never stops people who are into ONS, from doing it. So I'd be careful about this one, if I were you. I've been cheated on, and maybe that makes me hypersensitive but I'd keep my eyes open. Also, I've seen way too many married men and women picking up women/men, so it's not unthinkable. I think maybe that is what is bothering you-- and not retroactive jealousy as someone mentioned here. Please provide PROOF of what you're saying. You are making assumptions and judgement of character based on absolutely nothing but a perception. When I was 17 I dated this guy. I was his 3rd sexual partner. He was my 10th. His previous sexual partners were both long time girlfriends. He had cheated on both of them. I have no proof he cheated on me, but he started dating his next GF straight away after we broke up (which rings all sorts of alarms in my head). I know for a fact he cheated on her. On the other hand, he was my 10th. Of those, 8 had been casual flings and ONS. I never cheated on my first boyfriend nor did I cheat on him (and we were together for 2,5 years). So, which one of us is more likely to cheat?!
KungFuJoe Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I agree with ASG...and it's been my experience as well. My first gf was 22 and had been with ONE guy before me..a guy she was with for years and loved dearly. Well...long story short, I have good reason to believe that she cheated on me in the middle of our 4 year relationship (never got solid proof, but common sense tells me that something happened) and at the tail end, she was sleeping with me and another guy at the same time (with neither of us knowing). When I found out and threatened to tell the other guy, she decided to be "faithful" to only the other guy...but still gave me blow jobs (because that wasn't cheating). He eventually found out (or rather, I told him) and he eventually bailed. Only after he was gone did she actually show any true remorse....but not from what she did...but because she couldn't have her cake and eat it too.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 If I were 21 and it were between 5 and 10, I'd at least know exactly how many. That's not a lot to count, especially when you're just finding your sex legs. That lack of a definite number sounds suspect. Perhaps it's 23, or perhaps it was all in one night in an orgy when he was drunk and lost count. In any event it's a stupid thing to tell anyone you're really interested in--especially some sketchy "approximation". Perhaps it's a wonder if your his first, but TMI otherwise. (Perhaps also he is padding his numbers because he thinks it will impress you that he's a desired cocksman and how fortunate you are. If so, it's backfiring.) 1
oldshirt Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 A couple different issues taking place here. -For starters, this guy is a bit of a player and knows what to say and how to look and how to act to get you into bed. Even though he is able to push the right buttons to get into your drawers, that doesn't mean that he is the actual kind of person that makes a good BF/partner. - What is also very significant here is even if you do like each other and have fun together, you both have very differing views and values on sexuality and roles of sexuality in a relationship. You value sexuality as something to be saved for the confines of a serious, exclusive relationship where as he is very casual and enjoys purely recreational sex without any kind of relationship at all. This is a big deal because it will carry over into other areas of your relationship as well. - While being a playa' and someone who picks up drunk chicks in bars and has ONSs doesn't automatically make him a cheater per se, what it does do is makes him have a very casual and lassie faire attitude towards sexuality and commitment and the role of sexuality in a relationship. He actually explained this best himself to you right out of his own mouth. The second things turn south or you have a bump in the road in your relationship he is going to be banging another chick before the dust clears from him driving out of the driveway. This is very critical because YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE BUMPS IN THE ROAD. You are going to have fights, you are going to have periods where you aren't hitting it off so well and you are going to have times that aren't exciting and fun and roses. The moment you have one of those times, he has told you himself that he will have other women's legs over his shoulders. It is very common for people your age to "break up" after a big fight or disagreement only to reconnect and get back together a few days later when the dust has settled. He will take license to screw other chicks during that break period. He may not be a bad person and he may not be true cheater per se but he is hardly serious relationship material for someone who values commitment and sexual faithfulness. He may not technically "cheat" on you while the good times are rolling, but his shoes will be under other women's beds the second things get a little rough. Hardly a wise investment for someone who values commitment and sexual exclusivity. 3
oldshirt Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 He actually explained this best himself to you right out of his own mouth. The second things turn south or you have a bump in the road in your relationship he is going to be banging another chick before the dust clears from him driving out of the driveway. "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." - Maya Deangelo He has told you where he stands and where you stand. As long as things are hunky-dory, there is no reason to automatically assume he'll cheat more than any other guy. But he has told you the moment things aren't so good between you he is going to be picking up whoever will spread their legs. So you have to ask yourself if this is the kind of person that you want to place your heart in their hands.
thecrucible Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I don't think his number is particularly high. His number seems pretty normal for most his age, as far as I'm aware. Most of my friends have a number between 5 and 10 and I am 23 years old (just 2 years older than your guy). However, depending on the context, it might be alarming that he said he'd sleep around again if things didn't work out with you. Is this something you directly asked him? To men who are genuinely relationship-minded, anything less won't do. I know guys who've slept around a lot and because they want a relationship now, they feel that the days of sowing their wild oats are over. I do find it odd that he would have said something like that to you, if he cares about and this remark was not a response to something you said. It's like he's talking about the end of the relationship before it has happened, and giving you the head's up that he might stray easily. If that's the case, then definitely a bad sign.
BradJacobs Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 A couple different issues taking place here. -For starters, this guy is a bit of a player and knows what to say and how to look and how to act to get you into bed. Even though he is able to push the right buttons to get into your drawers, that doesn't mean that he is the actual kind of person that makes a good BF/partner. - What is also very significant here is even if you do like each other and have fun together, you both have very differing views and values on sexuality and roles of sexuality in a relationship. You value sexuality as something to be saved for the confines of a serious, exclusive relationship where as he is very casual and enjoys purely recreational sex without any kind of relationship at all. This is a big deal because it will carry over into other areas of your relationship as well. - While being a playa' and someone who picks up drunk chicks in bars and has ONSs doesn't automatically make him a cheater per se, what it does do is makes him have a very casual and lassie faire attitude towards sexuality and commitment and the role of sexuality in a relationship. He actually explained this best himself to you right out of his own mouth. The second things turn south or you have a bump in the road in your relationship he is going to be banging another chick before the dust clears from him driving out of the driveway. This is very critical because YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE BUMPS IN THE ROAD. You are going to have fights, you are going to have periods where you aren't hitting it off so well and you are going to have times that aren't exciting and fun and roses. The moment you have one of those times, he has told you himself that he will have other women's legs over his shoulders. It is very common for people your age to "break up" after a big fight or disagreement only to reconnect and get back together a few days later when the dust has settled. He will take license to screw other chicks during that break period. He may not be a bad person and he may not be true cheater per se but he is hardly serious relationship material for someone who values commitment and sexual faithfulness. He may not technically "cheat" on you while the good times are rolling, but his shoes will be under other women's beds the second things get a little rough. Hardly a wise investment for someone who values commitment and sexual exclusivity. Congratulations on jumping to the most conclusions in this thread in one post!
VintageWallFlower Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 It's not a problem that you feel this way; I think it is great that you are sticking to your values and what you want in a partner. It is simply a signal you that you guys may be incompatible. Not all men engage in ONS, and I understand your concerns with the chance of infidelity. Contrary to popular belief, there has been research conducted that has shown that people with a higher number of sexual partners may be more likely to cheat and have a higher chance of divorce. This is my first post and I am not sure if I am allowed to post links, but I would suggest going to hookingupsmart and searching for the post "16 Things You Always Wanted to Know About Promiscuity" Here are few excerpts from that post " 'Half of the men and women in the top (withinsex) quintiles of sociosexuality had been sexually unfaithful to a steady partner; this was more than a tenfold increase over the corresponding rate for people in the bottom quintiles.' " " 'Sociosexually unrestricted individuals are far more likely to experience divorce than sociosexually restricted individuals because they are more likely to engage in extramarital affairs' " IMO, there is nothing wrong with wanting to know a partner's sexual history, would you buy a car without a carfax report or a house without a thorough inspection? People do change, but if I had a choice between someone who has demonstrated discipline in that respect and someone who has been around the block and is now ready to settle down, I would go with the former. My ex was like the guy you were dating, and the sad thing is with all of the women he had been with he was very selfish in bed and didn't realize it. Since he had no emotional attachment to those women, these women were not given a chance to offer any true feedback because they had been placed into the "booty call" box; they had no true communication outside of the bedroom. I would say proceed with caution, and go after what you TRULY want. 1
bellabella Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I have been quite promiscuous in the past and, while not many ONS, I have had a few casual partners. My husband has only slept with three women before me (I have worked out from what he's told me though we have never actually told one another!). I may have a more casual attitude to sex, but with strong emotion and love involved, I would never have any desire for anyone else (and have never cheated in the past either). We are mid thirties so plenty of time being adults before we met!
miss_jaclynrae Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I'll make this simple. It is perfectly ok that you think ONS are dirty. It is perfectly ok that he has had ONS. It is YOUR problem if you are not comfortable with his past. Him saying he would go back to ONS of you guys were to break up was a stupid comment, even if it was true. That would worry me more than the ONS or previous partners. Him having ONS does not mean he will have a problem being in a relationship or he will cheat on you. I know, I have slept with far more people than him,a large amount being ONS, and I am happily in a relationship. I never think of us breaking up or sleeping with anyone else ever. 3
kaylan Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Not all men or even most men ( especially at your age ) are attractive enough/have enough game to have had double digit partners. College makes this very doable in my experience. I could easily have double the amount of sex partners I do now if I was more reckless during college. Im not super attractive either. Im average imo.
kaylan Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 (edited) 5-10 partners by 21 is mind boggling to you??? 25 would be mind boggling, 5-10 is honestly tame. By 21 I was at 5 and I am in no way "loose" or a player or someone that has "game." I lost my virginity at 17 and that equates to about 1 person per year. If this guy was banging a new girl every other weekend, that would be cause for concern. Not here. I agree with this OP. I have a pretty average number myself, and some of those girls were casual flings. And yes, one was an one night stand. That being said I have never cheated, never will cheat, but have been cheated on when I was younger. That experience of pain always cemented in me the idea that I will never hurt someone in that way. Im super loyal once Ive pegged a girl as someone I want to be with. Ive been where you are though, where I had trouble getting over a girls sexual past. If you cant deal with it, then move on and find someone with similar values. As Ive gotten older Ive become more relaxed in terms of these preferences. I realized that I couldnt expect girls to feel the exact way I do about some things. So you can either focus on how he treats you, and the fact that hes always been loyal to you and others, or you can walk away because of a difference in sexual values you guys have when youre single. His sexual past isnt really extreme at all. Edited June 23, 2013 by kaylan
oldshirt Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 The whole "numbers" topic comes up on this forum again and again. Which is fascinating to me because it seriously has never came up between me and my gf or any ex gf I have ever had. Why anyone feels it is necessary to discuss someone's sexual past in such detail with someone they are romantically involved with, I will never understand. The actual numbers mean nothing. What is significant is the underlying beliefs, attitudes, values and personal mores. The OP and her boyfriend have much different sexual mores and a completely different set of values and how they value sexuality within their own lives. The OP's boyfriend is not an automatic cheater just because he has a higher count. She may be just as likely to cheat on him depending on the circumstances. They will probably get along fine as long as everything is hunky dory between them. Where this will manifest it'self is when the inevitable problems and issues arise. Once they have a big fight or some kind of separation he will either be picking up other chicks (which he was forthright in explaining) or she will be assuming he is even if he isn't. Either of those things can result in some pretty severe relationship stress. 1
oldshirt Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Congratulations on jumping to the most conclusions in this thread in one post! Guilty. I do jump to conclusions based on the information I am given. If I walk into a bank and see a man in a mask holding a gun with one hand and stuff bundles of cash into a bag with the other, I jump to the conclusion he is robbing the bank.
oldshirt Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Kind of a sidebar news flash here. Someone saying they wouldn't cheat, would never cheat and aren't the kind of person to cheat means absolutely nothing. Those are completely empty and hollow words that have no true meaning. The only thing all cheaters have in common is all of say they would never cheat and not a one of them thinks they are the type of person who cheats. All cheaters say they wouldn't cheat while they are in a relationship with someone and they are usually sincere at the time they are saying it. It's when they are feeling a bit bored or disenchanted with the relationship and a golden opportunity comes along that is the moment of truth. Even serial cheaters will downplay their cheating and will blame it on the victim or on the circumstances and not on their decision. They all justify it and make it sound like it was an aberration. When someone says they won't cheat it's like someone saying they are going to go on a diet on New Years day. They all mean at the time and they may even do it for awhile until they are really hungry and come across some homemade chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven. Someone saying they won't cheat is just words coming out of their mouth. When the relationship is fresh and good is not the test and not the bar by which one is judged. It's when the relationship is in the $h!tter and someone hot is giving them the nudge-nudge-wink-wink that determines when the pants hit the floor or not. Someone who has a casual attitude about sexuality and has more experience with casual sex and sex outside of relationships is going to be a lot more prone to drop their drawers when given the green light by a 3rd party and when the relationship is rocky. Yes that is judgemental and jumping to conclusions. It is also true. 1
ChessPieceFace Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 5-10 partners by 21 is mind boggling to you??? In terms of anyone with moral integrity, yes. First off, as someone else pointed out, 5-10 is a small enough number to know the number exactly. Why so vague? Did he get amnesia? Obviously he knows an exact number. he had one night stands, and he lost his virginity when he was only 13. He also said that if we are to break up one day, he will start looking for one night stands again. This is what I'm talking about. No moral integrity. I never said "he WILL cheat." I said it's likely. I stand by that statement. You can't just turn "sleaze" on and off with a flick of a switch. He's into ONS, he's already planning for the day when he'll look for them again. Why wait?
kaylan Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 In terms of anyone with moral integrity, yes. First off, as someone else pointed out, 5-10 is a small enough number to know the number exactly. Why so vague? Did he get amnesia? Obviously he knows an exact number. This is what I'm talking about. No moral integrity. I never said "he WILL cheat." I said it's likely. I stand by that statement. You can't just turn "sleaze" on and off with a flick of a switch. He's into ONS, he's already planning for the day when he'll look for them again. Why wait? Such bullcrap. You clearly missed my post. I myself have had a ONS before as well as other flings. I myself have never cheated and am extremely loyal. In which case, what someone does when they are single (within reason) doesnt say much about what they do when they are in a relationship. I dont cheat, and I dont help others cheat. But flings with people Im attracted to and trust? Sure. This all being said, my ONS was during a time I was super torn up about a recent break up with a girl who betrayed my loyalty and trust. And I pretty much was trying to force myself to get over her.
shexy Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I think a lot of people have had a lot of one night stands....it's not just unique to men, women do it too. I really don't worry much about someone else's sexual history.....you can't really hold things against them they did before they ever even knew you. If you don't trust him, that's another issue in and of itself, but if you have no reason to believe he's not trustworthy, don't let his past ruin your present.
miss_jaclynrae Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 In terms of anyone with moral integrity, yes. First off, as someone else pointed out, 5-10 is a small enough number to know the number exactly. Why so vague? Did he get amnesia? Obviously he knows an exact number. This is what I'm talking about. No moral integrity. I never said "he WILL cheat." I said it's likely. I stand by that statement. You can't just turn "sleaze" on and off with a flick of a switch. He's into ONS, he's already planning for the day when he'll look for them again. Why wait? Maybe he doesn't feel he should have to disclose his actual number. Which he doesn't. And you are so wrong btw. It's baffling. If what you said was true, I would have the lowest morals ever. It's isn't so black and white. At 21 my number was double his... I have no problems at all. I was married too before, loved having one man, hes the one that ended it. I guess that makes me a walking contradiction eh?
thatone Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Kind of a sidebar news flash here. Someone saying they wouldn't cheat, would never cheat and aren't the kind of person to cheat means absolutely nothing. Those are completely empty and hollow words that have no true meaning. The only thing all cheaters have in common is all of say they would never cheat and not a one of them thinks they are the type of person who cheats. All cheaters say they wouldn't cheat while they are in a relationship with someone and they are usually sincere at the time they are saying it. It's when they are feeling a bit bored or disenchanted with the relationship and a golden opportunity comes along that is the moment of truth. Even serial cheaters will downplay their cheating and will blame it on the victim or on the circumstances and not on their decision. They all justify it and make it sound like it was an aberration. When someone says they won't cheat it's like someone saying they are going to go on a diet on New Years day. They all mean at the time and they may even do it for awhile until they are really hungry and come across some homemade chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven. Someone saying they won't cheat is just words coming out of their mouth. When the relationship is fresh and good is not the test and not the bar by which one is judged. It's when the relationship is in the $h!tter and someone hot is giving them the nudge-nudge-wink-wink that determines when the pants hit the floor or not. Someone who has a casual attitude about sexuality and has more experience with casual sex and sex outside of relationships is going to be a lot more prone to drop their drawers when given the green light by a 3rd party and when the relationship is rocky. Yes that is judgemental and jumping to conclusions. It is also true. No it isn't true. It is not the nature of the human animal to be monogamous. Scientifically, people are genetically disposed to seek the best specimen to reproduce with. That's why women have an endless supply of Channing Tatum movies thrown at them and men have an endless supply of Megan Fox advertisements thrown at them. People CHOOSE to be monogamous for reasons other than sexual, it has nothing to do with sex, honestly. I choose to be monogamous with my long term partner because we like each other. If we didn't have things in common and a reason to be together other than sex, there would be no reason to stay monogamous, I could have random sex with other women I have little/nothing in common with and be just as well off as I was with someone I didn't care to be around, other than naked. Sex is not a drug one can abstain from and avoid addiction to. The desire for it is hard wired in every person from birth. Absent a person someone chooses to be monogamous with, that person will not stop desiring sex. That person may have enough societal pressure, guilt, fear, or other such negative assumptions and prejudices to deny themselves sex, but they will not stop desiring it, it is ever present. With all of these facts in mind, sex cannot be the cause of infidelity. Logically the infidelity must stem from a dislike of the person you're with, to the point that you don't care about them enough to be monogamous with them, whatever the reason may be. The idea that guilt and shame can make people into something that they are not is a grand failure. Religion has been trying to accomplish this for thousands of years, and has never succeeded. You cannot make someone choose something, if you do, it isn't a choice anymore. Your assumption that ignorance of sex can make people not desire it is ridiculous.
oldshirt Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 No it isn't true. It is not the nature of the human animal to be monogamous. Scientifically, people are genetically disposed to seek the best specimen to reproduce with. That's why women have an endless supply of Channing Tatum movies thrown at them and men have an endless supply of Megan Fox advertisements thrown at them. People CHOOSE to be monogamous for reasons other than sexual, it has nothing to do with sex, honestly. I choose to be monogamous with my long term partner because we like each other. If we didn't have things in common and a reason to be together other than sex, there would be no reason to stay monogamous, I could have random sex with other women I have little/nothing in common with and be just as well off as I was with someone I didn't care to be around, other than naked. Sex is not a drug one can abstain from and avoid addiction to. The desire for it is hard wired in every person from birth. Absent a person someone chooses to be monogamous with, that person will not stop desiring sex. That person may have enough societal pressure, guilt, fear, or other such negative assumptions and prejudices to deny themselves sex, but they will not stop desiring it, it is ever present. With all of these facts in mind, sex cannot be the cause of infidelity. Logically the infidelity must stem from a dislike of the person you're with, to the point that you don't care about them enough to be monogamous with them, whatever the reason may be. The idea that guilt and shame can make people into something that they are not is a grand failure. Religion has been trying to accomplish this for thousands of years, and has never succeeded. You cannot make someone choose something, if you do, it isn't a choice anymore. Your assumption that ignorance of sex can make people not desire it is ridiculous. Not sure why you are saying that my post is untrue because you are actually supporting a lot of what I said. You are correct, we are not monogamous by nature. The nature of men is to try to pass off their genes to as many healthy, fertile females as they can. Women try to pass off their genes by getting impregnated to the healthiest, most vigorous and most powerful man they can.... FOR EACH ADDITIONAL CHILD. (meaning once she's raised one child that old enough to survive on it's own without nursing, she will start to look for an upgrade to father the next child) So neither the nature of men nor women is to be monogamous for life, the concept of lifelong monogamy comes from religious and societal forces, not from Mother Nature herself. So you are correct, monogamy is choice. People consciously choose to be monogamous while their instincts tell men to get all they can get and tells women to get the best they can get. My point is when people are entering into a relationship and are having that rush of hormones they feel as if they will be monogamous and faithful and are sincere when they say they won't cheat. It's after the hormones have faded and the rush as gone away and they are starting to get bogged down in bills and dirty laundry that things get challenging. Then if there are any actual relationship issues, things will get real hairy real fast. Noone thinks they will cheat when things are going great and everything feels good. The temptations and opportunities begin when things get stagnant or dissatisfying. HERE'S THE PUNCHLINE - -A person who has a solid character trait of self-control and restraint and has strong beliefs on sexual restraint and values sexuality only within exclusive serious relationships/marriage will be more apt to try to preserve the relationship and more likely to not engage in outside sexual activity. That person will be less likely to be unfaithful as long as the relationship has some kind of breath of life in it and will be more likely to show sexual restraint until the relationship has been formally concluded. A person who does not have such beliefs and values will be more inclined to view the relationship as over or as "rocky" before it is formally terminated and will be likely to resume in outside sexual activity before the formal conclusion of the relationship. A person with a more lax and casual attitude towards sexuality will be more likely to be receptive to sex with other people as the relationship declines in excitement or experiences relationship stress. 2
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