natxnatx Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Hi everyone, I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. We're both 21. I have only been with 2 guys sexually (including my current boyfriend). He never really told me the exact number of partners he's had in the past, but I know he's been with a lot more people than I have (probably 5-10). He told me he had one night stands, and that he lost his virginity when he was only 13. He also said that if we are to break up one day, he will start looking for one night stands again. I'm not sure how normal it is for guys to have one night stands, but it's clearly bothering me that my boyfriend is capable of having sex with people that he doesn't even know. I have been cheated on in the past, by the person whom I lost my virginity to. I am just so overwhelmed by the fear that I will be cheated on again, especially whenever I think about how my boyfriend is willing to have sex with random people. These thoughts have been killing me, and recently I started bugging my boyfriend with questions such as: 'Why are you so sure you won't be looking for one night stands while you're with me? Don't you think it's dirty and inappropriate to have sex with people you don't even know?' I've even gone so far as to become angry at him for having one night stands in the past. I know the fear/anger that I have is somewhat irrational...or is it? What should I do? Please help me.
sillyanswer Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Your and his current views on sex/intimacy might be different, which might indicate some sort of incompatibility. You'll have to work that one out. However, your issue with his past sexual activity might be a case of retroactive jealousy. Google that phrase if you're not familiar with it.
TaraMaiden Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 One: You're both very young and much as I hate to be the bearer of negative tidings, it's highly unlikely this relationship is your 'last a life-time' experience. Two: You're still in your formative stages so everything is going to appear knee-jerk, magnified and extreme. You both need to get through this stage, because as it stands, you're neither of you mentally equipped for permanence. Three: Guys and ladies view sex differently. Generalising hugely, and making what seems to be a sweeping statement, women connect sex with togetherness and emotional connection; men can separate the emotional from the physical. Men are far more able to have sex without emotional attachment, and just as a sexually-motivated release. Those women meant nothing to him. You do. There's the difference. Quit badgering him. Or he'll be an ex- sooner than you think. 3
white Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I mostly agree with Taramaiden. It is very important you not bother him about it, even if you feel like it. Decide on your own if you can deal with it for the sake of being with him (you probably can, because you already are doing) and if you don't feel it makes him untrustworthy (this doesn't mean spying on him) and react accordingly. Most likely how you feel right now will mostly go away in a short time, because as long as he chooses to be with you now it doesn't matter what he did before. Maybe you will feel that pang of insecurity sometimes, but you'll always find that with everyone about something, their looks, intelligence, friends, their great holidays, whatever.
RedRobin Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 (edited) OP, it is perfectly reasonable to want to be with a man who shares your values. This person doesn't. It is not something you need to 'get over' or cope with. Don't listen to people who say all men do this or all men are this way or that way... I'm a lot older than you, and I wouldn't knowingly date a man who has a history of lots of ONS, casual sex, and FWB.... and if I found out later, I'd break up with him. Edited June 23, 2013 by RedRobin 4
thatone Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 And thus the lesson, "his mistake was telling you". 3
Author natxnatx Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 OP, it is perfectly reasonable to want to be with a man who shares your values. This person doesn't. It is not something you need to 'get over' or cope with. Don't listen to people who say all men do this or all men are this way or that way... I'm a lot older than you, and I wouldn't knowingly date a man who has a history of lots of ONS, casual sex, and FWB.... and if I found out later, I'd break up with him. People have been saying to me things along the lines of 'it's perfectly normal for guys to have ONS while they're single'. And he's been saying that to me as well. Is that really so? And is it my problem that I find it hard to accept this statement?
ChessPieceFace Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 5-10 partners before 21 is kind of mind boggling for the circle of people I am most associated with. You're right to be concerned. Your boyfriend's past is a strong indicator that he is sexually loose, and much less likely to be loyal. He obviously has "game" and is willing to use it. To be blunt, you're likely going after a player, and if he cheats, you more or less deserve it for going after a player, and for ignoring the great guys who are less sexually loose and more loyal.
ASG Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 People have been saying to me things along the lines of 'it's perfectly normal for guys to have ONS while they're single'. And he's been saying that to me as well. Is that really so? And is it my problem that I find it hard to accept this statement? Well... is IS perfectly normal. For guys AND girls to have ONS/FWB, whatever when they're single. But, on the other hand, you don't have to accept it if you don't want to. So the question here is, are you willing to let it go to invest in this relationship or do you think it's too much? In that case, you need to break up with him, now. He is not more likely to cheat because he has had casual sex. The two are not necessarily correlated! 1
RedRobin Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 People have been saying to me things along the lines of 'it's perfectly normal for guys to have ONS while they're single'. And he's been saying that to me as well. Is that really so? And is it my problem that I find it hard to accept this statement? Which people have been saying this? It isn't true. No men in my family acted this way ever. None of my close friends (male or female) did either. There are lots of guys who don't believe in this and take their sexuality more seriously... and ARE relationship focused. You don't have to tolerate this... and no, it is not your problem. You two have incompatible values. Noone is to blame really... you just need to find someone whose values are compatible with yours. Here is something you might find informative... You might want to ask him if he'd date someone who had HIS history... do it in person and watch the look on his face. See what he says... even more risky than dating a man with this history is dating one who has double standards...
ASG Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 5-10 partners before 21 is kind of mind boggling for the circle of people I am most associated with. You're right to be concerned. Your boyfriend's past is a strong indicator that he is sexually loose, and much less likely to be loyal. He obviously has "game" and is willing to use it. To be blunt, you're likely going after a player, and if he cheats, you more or less deserve it for going after a player, and for ignoring the great guys who are less sexually loose and more loyal. Why is he less likely to be loyal?!?! Has he cheated before? I'd had 10 partners by the time I was 17. I have NEVER cheated! EVER! And I don't ever plan on doing it. I don't think I'd be able to, even if I had the urge! So don't plant stupid ideas in someone's mind. He is not more likely to do anything, unless he has a proven track record of cheating. 1
Author natxnatx Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 Not all men can do this. What do you mean?
Author natxnatx Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 Why is he less likely to be loyal?!?! Has he cheated before? I'd had 10 partners by the time I was 17. I have NEVER cheated! EVER! And I don't ever plan on doing it. I don't think I'd be able to, even if I had the urge! So don't plant stupid ideas in someone's mind. He is not more likely to do anything, unless he has a proven track record of cheating. My boyfriend's been telling me this as well: he has never cheated, and will never want to. As I've said, I've been cheated on before and I have this huge fear that this will happen to me again. I know I'm being kind of insecure...but I can't help it. Can you explain to me why a man who may be somewhat sexually loose while he's single would not think about having casual sex when he's in a relationship?
white Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Define normal. Some men who can, will. Not all men can, for one reason or another. Many don't want to. I don't know anyone who would, and I wouldn't myself, but I don't exactly live a cosmopolitan life. Hit the clubs in Soho on a Saturday night and you'll have a hard time finding anyone who isn't there just to hook up. I wouldn't call it normal myself. It's something some men do just as it is something some women do. You don't do it, you wouldn't do it, and you know why you feel that way. He's different. This is starting to seem like a problem of both youth and values. There is no reason at your age why you should be in such torment over a relationship, they're supposed to be fun. You have no reason to suspect him of cheating. What counts is whether he's invested in your relationship now. 2
KatZee Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 5-10 partners before 21 is kind of mind boggling for the circle of people I am most associated with. You're right to be concerned. Your boyfriend's past is a strong indicator that he is sexually loose, and much less likely to be loyal. He obviously has "game" and is willing to use it. To be blunt, you're likely going after a player, and if he cheats, you more or less deserve it for going after a player, and for ignoring the great guys who are less sexually loose and more loyal. 5-10 partners by 21 is mind boggling to you??? 25 would be mind boggling, 5-10 is honestly tame. By 21 I was at 5 and I am in no way "loose" or a player or someone that has "game." I lost my virginity at 17 and that equates to about 1 person per year. If this guy was banging a new girl every other weekend, that would be cause for concern. Not here. 2
ASG Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 My boyfriend's been telling me this as well: he has never cheated, and will never want to. As I've said, I've been cheated on before and I have this huge fear that this will happen to me again. I know I'm being kind of insecure...but I can't help it. Can you explain to me why a man who may be somewhat sexually loose while he's single would not think about having casual sex when he's in a relationship? For me, casual sex is just that. I can get it whenever I want it and if I put a bit of effort into finding it. It's a great release. But, as great as casual sex is, sex within a loving relationship is even better! Because not only do you have the physical part, you also have the emotional part! I can only speak for myself (and I'm not a guy), but when I'm in a relationship, I become blind to any other guy around me. You feel exactly the same as someone who isn't "sexually loose". Who would you rather date? The one who has had casual sex and has 10 partners behind him but has never cheated, or the one with 3 partners, 2 to of whom he cheated on? (like in a serial monogamy type thing.... start one relationship up before breaking up the one before)
white Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 My old girlfriend, when we were 21, had slept with 22 guys and at least one woman by the time I tried shacking up with her. She was proud of it, proud she'd exceeded her age. I found it intimidating, for sure, especially since I'd known her well for years and never suspected. She was only my second as well. It didn't stop me loving her. Unfortunately it was symptomatic of a wider problem including drugs and alcohol, a self destructive impulsive nature and inability to be self sufficient that made me leave her after a lot of heartache long ago. But I have no solid indication she cheated on me at least.
StanMusial Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 The whole "numbers" topic comes up on this forum again and again. Which is fascinating to me because it seriously has never came up between me and my gf or any ex gf I have ever had. Why anyone feels it is necessary to discuss someone's sexual past in such detail with someone they are romantically involved with, I will never understand. 2
pcplod Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 (edited) I know the fear/anger that I have is somewhat irrational...or is it? What should I do? Please help me. Would it put you at ease if virtually everyone told you that it was rational, even if you have already admitted to yourself that it is actually irrational? Personally, I don't know how that is supposed to work (to your advantage). It would appear that he is simply more at ease having sex with someone else who is at ease at just having sex with someone else. That, for probably all sorts of reasons, is simply not something you even contemplate, never mind entertain actually doing. He is capable of flexible thinking and rationalisation in a given situation, which you are simply not. Whatever his foibles and weaknesses my money is on him finding it easier to survive life than you. So what should matter to you; what he does, or what you are incapable of accommodating within your emotional framework? He is more experienced sexually than you. That might be an advantage, though not necessarily so. He certainly has been precocious for a typical 13 year old, but he is now 21. Is he a precocious 21 year old? The irony is that if he leaves you, particularly in the near future, it probably wont be over him cheating, or even over sex, but because of you irrationally and incessantly nagging him, even though you point out to yourself that this is plain nuts, to paraphrase you, Should I give you my congratulations in advance? You know, if in the aftermath the topic of conversation comes up, "Was it him or me?" I think it is a fairly safe bet that all your friends will demur to give you a straight answer because under the circumstances that is the best they will be able to do as friends are supposed to do without flat-out lying. The problem is that you are insecure about yourself and his past undermines and reinforces that insecurity and there is precious little you can do to change that. About the only practical answer is for you to leave him and take up with a man as insecure as you, although I can't imagine you would find that a particularly satisfying relationship. You are working ever so bloody hard at defeating yourself because you have decided that he will in all probability cheat on you, which in all probability is going to be a self-fulfilling prophesy. Don't you think that is more than a bit crazy? Put it another way, let's say you both end up spitting up with one another over him cheating or something else, don't you think it would just be better for yourself to be able to deal with it, if and when it does happen? Statistically alone, the probability is that your relationship won't last the distance. Why not just phlegmatically and philosophically accept that for what it is and otherwise take a positive outlook on things and at least try to make it work, rather than self-flagellate? Edited June 23, 2013 by pcplod
Els Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I really doubt he'd have any greater risk of 'cheating' on you, per se, than any other man, all other things being equal. That being said, I don't see why you need to 'get over' it. Everyone has preferences. Do you see other people saying, "Gosh, I've been called shallow for not wanting an obese partner. I should get over it and accept him/her. It's all on me." ? Your R is fairly young, both in terms of duration and age. You're finding out new things about yourself and each other all the time. That's what the dating stage is for. Good luck, whatever you choose to do. 3
Babolat Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 45 male here, never had a one night stand, and I feel and need emotion related to sex, and crave it. I also want to satisfy my partner, even before I am. 3 LTRs (over 12 months), probably 10 - 15 partners where there was at least an exclusive relationship of some kind established prior to sex. Not all men want one night stands...if that is a value to you, you may want to walk away from this one. 4
hppr Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 If you want my 2 cents this guy doesn't sound right for you. I can think of lots of reasons but I'm betting that you're going with him because he's confident and talks the talk rather than lots of common interests and similar life goals. But then you're 21, really you should be thinking more about college than worrying about how many holes your idiot boyfriend has stuck his dick in.
Author natxnatx Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 If you want my 2 cents this guy doesn't sound right for you. I can think of lots of reasons but I'm betting that you're going with him because he's confident and talks the talk rather than lots of common interests and similar life goals. I'd like to know what some of the reasons are?
Revolver Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 In 2013, if we're going to eliminate people who have had one night stands no one would date 1
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